Hi ladies

I'm a single female at 34 and I'm deeply longing for a partner to build a family with, but the datingmarket is just absolutely brutal, and I fear I might end up alone after several years trying to find love.

Can you please share your stories on how you've found love later in life to give me some hope that time isn't running out for me? What worked for you?

Lots of love

Marriage used to be a life goal of mine. Hell, I was even engaged at one point and ended it because I knew I wasn’t happy and my needs weren’t being met. Now the thought of LEGALLY binding myself to a man makes me want to vomit. The juice just doesn’t seem worth the squeeze. Curious if other ladies feel the same.

I am going to my first mammogram in about 2 hours. Is it appropriate to go without a bra?

Edit: I have come to the conclusion that I can free my tits in any situation I want, so no bra it is!! I am planning on showering before I go, but I will not put any deodorant or lotions on until after my appt. I did not even think of that, so thank you! :)

Edit 2: I went sans bra and it was pretty easy! The positions are slightly awkward, but nothing horrible. It felt like my boobs were being plated for a fine dining meal. lol. I don't know why I was nervous about the bra thing, but thank you to all the wonderful ladies who commented. <3

Anyone else enjoy working? I see a lot of posts on social media, and just in general about hating their job, or just hating work.

I’ve had my fair share of terrible jobs but I actively enjoy going to work and getting a paycheck at the end of the week. For a time I was a stay at home mom when I was married and couldn’t work, while that’s a lot of work in and of itself it’s repetitive, thankless and isolating.

I like adult conversations, I like feeling needed, I really like getting out of the house. There’s only so much you can cook, clean and work out. Plus there’s no better feeling than generating your own income and feeling accomplished at the end of the day. Sure I wish I made more, or had more paid time off but overall I enjoy work.

TW: possible pregnancy loss/abortion

I am currently in limbo of knowing if our baby has T13.

I am religious and notoriously have been very pro-life for myself, although I do not condemn anyone for taking their own path in life. It is not my judgement to call on. We got the screening that our baby is high risk for trisomy 13 with a 68% chance.

T13 is extremely fatal and I feel so much guilt about the possibility of deciding to terminate. But what is worse? The pain of the baby’s short life? Is it selfish to continue a pregnancy that isn’t viable? What if my baby survives and they are left with years of pain and suffering?

I have tried to turn to God for answers. I am getting an amniocentesis and have no idea what this next chapter looks like. My partner is also religious and emphasized that it was my choice, and he also is questioning our route as he mentioned “I don’t even know if keeping a baby who has this much pain is worth it”.

We are both young. I am 22, he is 25. We are healthy. This feels incredibly unfair. Even if it is a false positive, I feel like my pregnancy has become tarnished by this newfound fear.

Part of me is struggling in faith and myself and my morals for even considering such a path. I feel like I am faced with an impossible decision and feel so much empathy towards this child and the possibility of the pain they will endure.

In Asia, it’s very acceptable to use professional matchmaking services to help people find long term partners. However, it seems like people in the West treat such services with disdain.

Why is that?

So I made friends with this woman through my work around two-three months ago. I work in a community center that she brings her daughter to several times a week. We ended up talking and have a lot in common and get along really well. Conversation was easy and we bonded over similar interests and our shared experiences with ADHD.

After about a month she came up suggested in my friends on social media. We live in a relatively small community and had a few mutual friends so I sent her a friend request not thinking anything of it. We then started talking through the app. Totally normal.

A few weeks ago though, she’s taken a casual friendship 0 to 100 so fast and I don’t know how to handle it. It’s gone from her sending me a few funny messages, memes, and craft ideas to sending me messages constantly. She’s also sent me several things talking about how I’m “her person” and how I “get” her. Lots of memes of “I’ll always be there for you” and stuff like that. Things you would send to someone you’ve been friends with for years not a couple of months. also, if I don’t reply to her when she expects me to I get “Are you ok?” messages. I’m a busy person and don’t always have my phone or want to check my app. She also keeps trying to get me to hang out with her on my days off and as a hardcore introvert, I need my days off to myself to recharge.

The thing is, I get it. She’s a single mom in her 40s. It’s hard to make friends as an adult and more so when you have a child always with you. It just feels as if she’s latched onto me with an intensity I don’t know how to handle.

I’m worried saying something to her directly will be taken the wrong way and am worried about confronting her in that way. I’ve tried to be subtle about saying how I’m busy and replying to her on my terms. Trying to subtly set boundaries.

I feel like our expectations of friendship just don’t align. I just don’t know what to do or say.

Did anyone else experience a midlife crisis in your early 30s? How did you get a grip/what was the outcome?

I feel like I’m at a super uncomfortable crossroads. I’m feeling pressure to start a family while I feel like I haven’t seen enough of the world to truly be okay with settling down. (And before you tell me you can travel with kids.. please don’t lol) All my friends are starting families and I’m not even convinced I’ll ever be ready to have kids. Unfortunately for me, my husband was ready to start a family yesterday and although I’m not opposed to having 1 kid to start, I don’t feel anymore ready than I did 10 years ago when we first met and the idea of having less freedom is terrifying to me. I wish I could either just be ready and accept that that’ll be my life or I wish at had 10 more years of me time to travel more before I have to make a decision.

For context, my wife is autistic and was diagnosed about halfway through our relationship. I mention this solely with regard to unmasking.

I (36F) have been with my wife (33) for 3 years and married for 2. We were friends before we got together and so we had a decent idea of who we were as individuals before making the plunge. When we met and throughout our friendship my wife was very driven, conversational, outgoing, etc. These are things I greatly admired about her and I wanted in general in a partner. As we progress through our relationship we have become safe spaces for each other which is such a cool thing to say but has simultaneously caused my wife to “unmask” and lose some of those qualities I mentioned. For example, the conversation aspect, it has slowly come out that she isn’t much of a conversationalist and often times wants silence. I am a certified yapper and while I know I am at the top of the chatty threshold, talking with my wife is a huge form of connection for me. As she gets more comfortable with me, my wife talks less because she is relieved she doesn’t have to put up the “front” of making conversation. It is difficult to navigate because I want to respect my wife’s needs and comfort but I miss the talks we used to have. Just shooting the shit or asking her opinion on things is tough because it doesn’t evolve into a chat, she just answers the question and the conversation dies most of the time.

When we met and into our friendship, my wife was very driven and had high career aspirations. She went on to get several degrees and was trending in the direction she told me she wanted to go. This was admittedly a friction point because I think your career is important. but not a primary focus of happiness. Eventually my wife put down her walls about pushing to be a huge achiever and now works a job she likes that has a good work life balance but doesn’t want to progress beyond where she is. I’m thrilled for her to have taken this weight off of her shoulders, but admittedly the release of that pressure on herself seemed to cascade into other aspects of her life. She doesn’t follow through on goals she sets and is more laxed overall with respect to following through on things. I am a big stickler on doing what you say you’re going to do, so this is causing some inner debate.

Let it be known I love my wife, and I know people don’t usually stay the same as they move through life, but the qualities I listed are examples of things she used to have that I admired but are no longer visible. So I guess I’m just stuck on how to process those feelings especially when I know they come from a place of providing her with the security to let her guard down. I don’t expect my wife to go back to who she was, but I’m feeling weird about how to handle it overall and would appreciate any input.

I’m 30 and have been attempting to find my person for the last 3-years. I’ve literally only had one real relationship. I was shy early on and a late bloomer, but my ex fell in love hard and long story short, I just didn’t see the relationship long-term.

I’ve lived in two cities since. Granted, they are both smaller cities. I went on several dates via online dating. Never really came across anyone that was very much my type, but I’ve only come across that twice in my area. All my friends moved away and I’m having a difficult time finding new ones. Might be my area as a friend that moved away said that was partially why she won’t move back. Anyways, it’s been a string of unsuccessful dates. No one that I’ve felt a connection with.

I did go on a date with one guy who lives 5-hours away. He’s not 100% my type, but we have so much in common and I actually felt good about him. However, he is starting a busy program and I work all the time. Our communication has slowed down and I see it failing. I haven’t found anyone else on the apps I’m interested in, except one guy who divorced last year but hasn’t really asked me on a date so I’m going to assume he doesn’t want to despite chatting.

I feel at a loss. It’s kind of holding up my life. I want to make some changes and I’m holding off because I feel like I might need to move or something to make this happen if it does at all :( I don’t have siblings or extended family and I really wanted a partner to share life with.

Not only that, but I feel I’m treated differently by other girls because of my single status. Even these girls I recently met were talking about how they keep single friends at a distance. People at work asked if I was gay… I can’t help but feel I’m looked down on for being single even though it’s my choice to wait until I find a partner I’m happy with. Is this just going to be it for me? Am I considered over the mountain by men because I’m a measly 30 or something now?

I know i should know better at my age (35f), but i cannot help but feel envious of some of my friends or people around me.

I feel as if they have more breathing room to make mistakes or take it easy in their life or career as they have a safety net in the form of a spouse or family money.

I have neither. I send money to family (they don’t ask, but it’s my way of giving back because I know they need it somehow).

I was talking to my friend earlier, and she said she felt so single when her car tire blew, but at least she called her dad who immediately drove to where she was at. I wanted to cry when she said that. I too am single but i can’t even call my dad for that as we are no contact and he was never a good father figure for me growing up. The rest of my family live so far from me. I thought, my god, what if that happened to me? Then I had another talk with a friend (she’s 38!) who said she was thinking of resigning from her stressful job to teach and mooch off her parents for a while. Holy hell. Not an option at all for me. I’m constantly on survival, how do i make more money mode. Even my best friend (i love her to bits, she’s amazing) doesn’t understand why i’m so cheap even though I make 4x than her. She lives in a condo owned by her parents in a HCOL city, so she doesn’t pay rent, and they have a family business that she can always decide to run if she wants to one day. She never has to worry about missing rent. She never has to worry about having nothing one day.

I know you should go through life without relying on others. But i can’t help but feel envious. How do i overcome these feelings of insecurity and envy?

I’m 34, community and intentional friendships have always been very important to me. I’ve noticed that in the past 1-2 years things have shifted in several of my friendships and I’m struggling to navigate it.

Genuinely, I feel like things have added up. Some people have had babies and are rightfully so focused on that, some friends have relocated and struggle to stay in touch, other friends seem to just have shifted their priorities.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel grateful for the close friendships I have and I’ve also gotten closer with two newer friends over the last year who mean a lot to me. But it has been hard experiencing multiple previously close friendships becoming more distant. Two friends I’ve actually addressed it with vulnerably - both expressed it had nothing to do with me but that life had gotten busy and staying in touch had been feeling harder. It’s all valid and I understand their lives don’t revolve around me but it all adds up and is getting to me. I don’t expect close pals to talk to me all day every day, but reciprocity feels important. I’m tired of frequently being the one suggesting plans and reaching out.

I know that I put a lot of effort into my friendships, actively check in and reliably show up and yet I frequently feel taken for granted. I don’t care about performative expressions of affection, I’d rather not be in any group chats where we keep each other posted superficially. I care about intentional and authentic friendships.

I have a lovely partner, several passions and hobbies that take up time and yet I feel like I don’t have the village I so long for. I moved away from my home country 10 years ago and still have maintained close with my three closest and long term best friends. These days I often ask myself why I’m choosing to be so far from them and my family.

All that said, what have your experiences been with friendships in your 30s? How have you navigated friendships fading or just feeling less consistent?

Hello everyone! I recently started talking to a guy I was connected with, and it’s been about two weeks now. So far, our conversations have been really good! We haven’t talked too much about relationships yet because we’re planning to have most of those conversations in person sometime soon.
Anyway, here’s where I need some advice: I feel like I’m already getting a little carried away. I find myself constantly checking my phone to see if he has texted or called. For example, I haven’t heard from him at all today, and my mind is already going crazy thinking that maybe he changed his mind or lost interest. I really don’t want to get into that mindset.
Honestly, I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t always help it. It’s exciting because I haven’t genuinely been excited about someone in a long time!
At the same time, I don’t want to come across as too available or “too easy.” My dating pool is already pretty small, and I’m the type of person who, if I like you, I LIKE you.I really don’t want to play the long game or pretend I’m not interested when I am.
So please give me some advice: How do I take my mind off of him? I don’t want to come across as desperate or overly available, but I also want him to know that I’m interested and open to getting to know him. Most importantly, I don’t want to spend my days waiting for his texts or calls or feeling disappointed when I don’t hear from him.
And I know this probably sounds a little ridiculous because we’ve literally only been talking for TWO WEEKS! But I’m genuinely trying to keep myself grounded because I don’t want my excitement to turn into anxiety or overthinking.
What do I do? 😭

Have a friend group that I have gotten close with over the past 5 years and that I adore. We play lots of recreational sports together and board game nights and even do a yearly cabin trip. They are incredible.

In the friend group are Sally and Sean who are married. They met through our friends and we were all friends with them individually before they got together. It has been such a cool experience being friends with both of them and watching their relationship grow and see them get married.

However, Sally has become increasingly a mean girl ever since dating Sean. She constantly makes backhanded comments towards me, critiquing any event I host, or making snide comments about our condo not being a "real home". She never asks about me even makes small talk anymore so I just gray wall and focus my attention on my other friends.

For example I ask is she is excited for an upcoming event we are both going to, and she responds I have SO many other things going on in my life to even think about that now. And just ends the conversation there.

I could go on about so many things. Sean is completely the opposite and super sweet and engages with everyone in the group. However what usually happens when they both attend something, is Sean will start out at his normal self socializing with everyone, and then Sally will go sit by herself and not engage with anyone, and Sean will see this and go by her and so also not engage with anyone. And if we do an activity like play a board game or a sport, Sean constantly hypes up Sally's ability to the group. She gets upset easily if she messes up or doesn't win so he kind of caters to that if that makes sense. Was a bit annoyed, but thought qhatever relationships make things different so wasn't too concerned, until Sally started being more unkind and mean.

They have been married for one year. And lately it has taken a turn where Sean has not stopped socializing even if Sally has one of her moods where she goes off by herself, or doesn't hype her up after she has an episode of being frustrated after messing up during a game. And Sally has also started complaining about Sean to the friend group behind his back, how he constantly works and doesn't help with the dog. And while sympathetic it makes us all uncomfortable because we are also friends with Sean and feel like these are things them two should discuss.

Also whenever someone invites a mutual friend that we all don't really know or a new significant other, Sally will be all over socializing with them. Which is sweet, make them feel comfortable and included. But it is a little over bearing, and one significant other brought up to her partner it was little strange she gave her a big hug when she just met her and Sally doesn't hug anyone else so its not like that is just how she is.

Anyways just strange and odd and I find myself getting upset and resentful towards Sally. But I am not sure how to handle it since we are entangled in the group, and Sean is also my friend.

Why does she behave this way, is it purely insecurities that can change someone so drastically?

I struggle accepting favors from people and especially people outside my inner circle.

Like many of us, I've had to just figure everything out by myself for the majority of my life. It's made me resourceful and handy, but there are still the things that happen that are outside of my wheelhouse or are just stressful.

It's these instances where, as luck will have it, a person is plopped in front of me who is willing to help. Which sounds awesome, but it makes me feel so awkward and uncomfortable.

For example, my A/C unit bit the dust a couple summers ago (our summers can get to 120 F). I was looking at a $20k replacement unit. My friend sent her husband over who did it at cost and saved me $12k.

I have a car that has been sitting in my garage for years because the clutch went out. I got one outrageous quote from a shop, but the car has just been sitting. I'd have to tow it from shop to shop for quotes. So instead it sits and keeps me up at night stressing.

At a house party last weekend, was talking to the host who mentions restoring cars and having a lot of mechanic friends. Figured I'd ask if he knows a mobile mechanic to try and get my mess sorted out. That turned into this guy coming by to tow my car himself and put the new clutch in. Said he's bored. Literally never met the guy before that day.

Why is it so hard to accept things like this? In the case of the A/C, I gave my friend's husband an extra grand for his time and effort, but even years later, I stress and wonder if it was enough? Should I have given more? With my car, it's just hard to imagine someone wanting to help a stranger out of the goodness of their heart. Like is there some secret code for how much extra I should pay this guy? I stressed that I would prefer to pay him for labor costs, and he declined. Is it that he's hoping for something else in exchange?

Having someone come in and just "save the day" is such a foreign concept to me, and it honestly freaks me out. So, Women Over 30, what say you? Have you struggled with this too? What has helped you to make peace with people just wanting to help you?

A quick edit, since I seem to be giving off an unintended vibe. To be clear, I am very grateful for the help. I'm just so...not used to it, so it almost makes me skeptical? This is obviously my own thing to work through, which is why I've come here (I guess to be downvoted lol). Also to be clear, I also give. I do lots of volunteer work, and I'm usually the go-to when friends and family need help. Again, it's reconciling feeling like I don't deserve help in return.

Maybe I'm alone in this feeling 🤷🏼‍♀️

Hi everyone,

Last December I (30, F) ended a 4.5 year relationship. The relationship was very up and down and looking back I think I already knew a few months in that he wasn’t the right person for me. By the end of the relationship I was an anxious shell of a person - isolated from friends, depressed, constant anxiety and basically spending my life wondering whether my partner actually liked me or not. Eventually I ended things, moved out of our shared home, moved countries, experienced an enormous heartbreak and came out feeling much stronger and infinitely happier.

About 5 months ago I met someone on Hinge, I’ll call him Gary (31, M). Our first date lasted almost three days and since then we’ve basically spent every weekend together. Gary is great, I have no doubt that he likes me. He’s travelled to another country to see me where I was hosting at an event. He’s met my friends and spent time with them. He’s emotionally available and makes time for me. Sexually he’s always focused on my pleasure, consistently. He’s happy to do things I want to do and I’ve never felt like I have to fight for his attention or affection. I feel completely myself around him. I don’t feel like I need to perform a version of myself to make him like me. For the first time in a romantic connection I feel like I can finally just exist. I’ve also told him recently all about my previous relationship and explained that I’m not sure I’m ready yet for another serious relationship, to which he said that he could completely understand, but he was just happy to spend time with me in whatever regard.

With my ex I was constantly desperate for evidence that he liked me. In this relationship I don’t have to look for that evidence at all. But it’s just got me wondering - do I actually like him enough? I don’t have butterflies or nerves when I see Gary. I’m not obsessively checking my phone. I’m not wondering when he’s going to text or call again. I’m just calm.

I do really like Gary. I enjoy spending time with him. I like him as a person, I’m attracted to his face, we have fun together and I always look forward to seeing him.
But if we stopped seeing each other tomorrow I honestly don’t think I’d be devastated. And that makes me wonder whether I’m wasting his time or stringing him along.
There’s also a physical attraction question. He’s quite a bit skinnier than my ex (who was a big, strong guy) and I’m finding that difference harder to get used to than I expected. Gary is handsome but I’m not experiencing the same crazy electric attraction I had previously.

I also don’t know what “normal” is supposed to feel like after five months. Am I supposed to know by now that someone is potentially my forever person? Or is five months actually nothing and I’m overthinking this because my previous relationship trained my nervous system to link anxiety with love? I’m also unfortunately not someone who can casually date multiple people while figuring it out. So it feels like I have two options right now:
keep seeing Gary and let things develop naturally or end it because I’m not feeling some enormous, cinematic certainty that he’s “The One”.

Has anyone experienced something like this after leaving an unhealthy relationship? Is this what safe, health attraction feels like or is my heart just still closed off? If you were in this situation would you keep dating him and see where things go or take the lack of butterflies as a sign to end things?

I appreciate each and every piece of advice! Thanks a lot :)

Hi everyone,

I recently turned 30 and I’m seriously rethinking my marriage. As I think about my 30s I just feel like this marriage is holding me back in the worst way and I’m close to leaving.

My husband(31M) lost his job 1.5 years ago, a month after we married. He initially planned to job search, but pivoted to entrepreneurship — first an 8-month content creation stint that I opposed, then a sip-and-paint business running Sunday events since June with decent seasonal profit. Please note that he never asked if I was okay with supporting indefinitely whilst he pursued his dreams- he simply checked whether my paycheck would cover the expenses and proceeded despite my concerns and disagreement.

I’ve always believed in equal financial partnership, especially in a HCOL city with goals of buying a home and having kids. I told him I’d have preferred he job search or work part-time while building the business; he went all-in anyway. I work a very well paying corporate job that I clawed my way to get to. We are immigrants and I single handedly applied and secured our Permanent Residency last year as the principal applicant. My income covers us but not our bigger goals, and relying on one income makes me anxious.

**Where things stand:**

*He’s said he won’t return to full-time work, period. He’s somewhat open to part-time but wants to focus on the business.
*He won’t set a timeline or stop-gap — says he’d only seek work if I got pregnant or lost my job.
*He hasn’t touched the profit tracker I built him since his busiest season started in June. He only tracks if I beg him and nag him. When asked why: “what’s the point of tracking.” Now he wants me to do all his tracking since I’m “better at it.”
*He resists registering the business or paying taxes on earnings.
*He hasn’t applied to any grants I’ve sent him.
*The business is weather-dependent — profitable maybe 4 of 12 months — which is why I think he needs a job for the rest of the year.
*He says he’s up until 2am “working” but gets defensive when I ask what specifically.
*He sleeps until noon most days, does some social posts, and preps closer to event day.
*When I raise concerns, he calls me “too negative” or says I “don’t support him.”
*He does all the cooking/dishes some cleaning (he’s taken on most of the household chores) and uses this as a reason I shouldn’t worry about finances — which doesn’t feel fair to me.
*When I said a job might be necessary, he said working would make him resent me and unable to show up emotionally/domestically like he does now. He says I should have faith in his business, and that he’d only avoid resentment if he got a job \*and\* I helped with his slow-season strategy and expense tracking — which feels like extra work for me.
*I’ve told him I don’t think I can have kids in this dynamic with me as sole earner.
*he’s repeatedly called me selfish, unsupportive and negative each time I try to raise how this has affected me mentally. He says that I only care about money and shouldn’t worry since he shows up domestically.

We’re trying marriage counseling before I decide anything. Frankly I’m exhausted and could be living an entirely stress free life.

Okay, so. Here goes... I'm 36 and haven't felt this way in a long time. Been single for 9 years, the last time I fell in love was six years ago and it hurt like hell. But honestly, I think it's a good sign I'm even allowing for these feelings. Please enjoy my happy rant...

He's TAAALL, like 6'3 or so (I'm 6ft), has light and eyes and brown hair like me (am I attracted to him bc we look similar? lol) and he also has ADHD. He's my physical therapist. I knew him from around, we both sometimes attend some game days with friends but we've never really spoken one on one. The first session was already really funny, we just vibe and get along so well. I have to mention I dislike a lot of men. I like this man. Just to preface this: he's being very respectful and not crossing boundaries. If I sensed a whiff of that, I would be outta there. We had this inside joke since session 1 because we talked about the human anatomy and he said "humans are like onions" and when I left I said "bye, onion".

Yesterday was the third session at 9 in the morning. I got to the front desk and he came around the corner smiling and asked "do you want a coffee" and made me a coffee...like, what? How sweet. He might do that for all clients in the morning, what do I know. Then he said something like "I asked myself last week if had made another appointment. You sometimes I think about patients just throughout the week" and I felt cuteness aggression I wanted to punch him. He didn't say it slimy, he just mentioned it.

After I had to show him a new exercise I'm doing, he told me to lay on my back and stared into the distance with an empty brained look. I laughed and said "did you forget what you want to do next?" And he cracked up and said "yes" and then did the next mobilization thing. Like, I can't. He's so out of iiiit.

When I left, I had my empty cup in my right hand and he put out his right hand to shake mine and I was so flustered I gave him the cup and said "you want this back?" and then shook his hands. We were like two awkward seals flopping around. Uuuugh I like hiiiim. I don't want toooo. But I feel calm, comfortable, safe and excited like when do you ever feel all of that around a man? Like I left giddy yesterday and then immediately SO sad. I feel like it scared the living daylights out of me that I could feel like this about a guy. So quickly, too.

Ok, so here's where I need help. Do I switch therapists and tell him (which I think is cute af) "I'm sorry, I have to switch therapists because I can't focus on our professional client therapist relationship. I'd love to get to know you more but totally ok if you're not up for it"

When I was younger, I truly thought people “grew” out of acne? Idk but my sister (32) both still breakout. I work with a dermatologist so please don’t suggest that. I’m just shocked this is the 30s!

I feel like the older I get, the less patience I have for things I probably would’ve made excuses for years ago - mixed signals, inconsistency, poor communication, constantly rearranging dates, not making an effort etc.

I don’t think my standards have necessarily got higher, I just think I’m much quicker to recognise when something isn’t going to work and walk away rather than trying to force it.

What’s something you used to tolerate in dating that you absolutely wouldn’t now?

I have found myself in a very middle school situation, but we’re full-ass adults, and I’m looking for advice on how to navigate it. I have a very close friend who I’ve known for many years, and long story short I just learned she’s been speaking not super kindly about me to others. I don’t love that but can kind of understand needing to vent about friends. I’m more bothered that I also just learned that she told a group of new friends, unbeknownst to me, that she wanted to keep that group of friendships separate from me. But we met the new friends together, so it feels kinda shitty knowing she deliberately kept me at an arm’s length with this group. And I’ve been telling her how excluded I sometimes feel by the group, and she sort of shoves the blame off onto another friend. I’ve made countless efforts to include her in most social things I do, and it’s a bummer to get this in return. I know it’s about her own insecurity and not me blah blah, but I don’t really see how to come back from this? But it’s pretty devastating to think about losing this friend? My question, I guess, is this: at what point do you have to walk away from a friendship, and how do you do it? I know everyone will feel a little differently, but I don’t know man! WE ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS

I (37F) am an immigrant who has been living in the US for the last 15 years. I have a stable career, but the rest of my life feels like a trap. I got married six years ago, we have one child, and my husband is dependent on my visa. He does not have a job, making ends meet is a constant struggle, and things have been going downhill almost since day one.
I grew up with traditional values the "till death do us part" mindset. I’ve had past relationships, but I have never dealt with someone like this. He constantly disrespects me, devalues me, and I find myself jumping through hoops just to prove I am a "good wife," despite carrying the entire family on my shoulders.
To paint a realistic picture: I bought the house, I pay the mortgage, I cover all medical expenses, car payments, everything for our child, and everything for myself even when I am sick. I am completely exhausted.
Beyond finances, I am starved of basic respect, affection, and emotional support. He doesn’t understand (or care) that I have emotional or physical needs, to the point where I've just stopped expecting anything. Instead, I get verbal abuse. He has spoken to me with vulgar, aggressive language right in front of our child, and he used the exact same tone and language with my mom when she came to visit and help after my delivery.
We’ve had countless conversations over the last six years trying to fix this. Recently, things escalated involving our families. His family, who are just as insecure, tried to intimidate us and said they were ready to end the relationship. Even after that horrendous episode, I tried once more to talk to him with love, asking for the bare minimum: respect, proper language, patience, and a genuine effort to find a job.
His response? He told me to talk to him nicely and bow down, and then he might consider speaking to me.
He knows his status is tied to me, but when pushed, he shrugs and says things like, "Go ahead and deport me, I don't care," choosing his fragile male ego over building a life or saving his marriage. Now his ego has gotten so out of hand that he even used disrespectful tone with my dad, which finally opened my dad's eyes to the fact that this man will never change.
My biggest dilemma and what is keeping me up at night:

1. My child: Our child absolutely loves him as a father, and the thought of breaking up our home or having my child grow up without a dad in this country tears me apart.
2. Feeling trappe

d:

1. I’ve given this marriage six years of patience, love, and immense financial/emotional labor, and I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall.

2. I am emotionally drained. For those who have been through something similar, or who have navigated divorcing a visa-dependent spouse while protecting their children: What should my next steps be? How do I even begin to untangle myself from this?

I’m one week into a fresh breakup and I’m trying to see the positives:

- I get my time back and I can pour it into me.
- I don’t have to deal with the anxiety and stress that dating this guy was bringing up for me.
- I have more time for my friends and hobbies.
- I was asked to be small, and I refused to - I chose myself, and I get to carry that self-confidence and care with me.
- I’ve made space in my romantic life that could be filled by someone else, someone who fits better.

Sigh. But I’m sad. There was a lot of good. So I’d love to hear about the good you noticed post-breakup :)