r/confession • u/psnben1567 • 1d ago
The truth of what I did, and my regret, and how it ended my relationship.
The truth of what I did, and my regret. I caused the end of my relationship. I did so by doing some bad shit. I'm struggling with the guilt of it, so I am admitting it all here. I will preface it by saying i am now in therapy to help with these issues. And I have been fully honest with my therapist.
I went on her phone, on multiple occasions. The first time I discovered she was sexting another guy, this was a month into our dating. We hadn't agreed exclusivity, or rather just phyiscal exclusivity. We split but got back together. But that only led to the rest, and I carried on. Now fueled by the fear of what I had found the first time. Over the course of the 7 months I went through her phone on multiple occasions. Checking for infidelity, never found any.
At the end I took it one step too far. I found on her phone some random guys that she spoke to on the past were messaging her. Harassing her, trying to slide in her DMs etc. She hadn't even read the messages, or spoke to them.
So I blocked them, blocked each and every one. I just got so worried that they were better than me. That I would be replaced by them. Naturally she found out and ended things, and obviously i broke what minimal trust she had left for me.
I feel totally and utterly ashamed by my actions. I wish i hadn't of done it, not only because it ended my relationship. But because it was wrong. Deeply wrong. And I am racked with the guilt ever since.
Edit: Wanted to add that my trust issues run deeper. My previous long term relationship ended after she ran off with another woman. And my parents relationship ended because my Mum cheated too.
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u/Fine_Call_6037 1d ago
Good that you broke up.. if there was no trust then what’s the point
She made a mistake in the beginning.. either there was genuine remorse or smartness in covering up the tracks
What was wrong in your part is blocking those guys without talking to her .. she might be needing help to handle those abusive ppl but you made it worse .. she would have been angry for right reasons that you snooped thru .. you decided to play a losing game
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u/kelllllllfree 1d ago
I think both sides made mistakes, but once trust is gone the relationship becomes exhausting for everyone
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u/dorotttttthyluv 1d ago
Yeah, once trust was gone the relationship was basically doomed, but communicating first definitely would’ve handled things much better
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
I never felt like I could communicate. Every time I tried I felt like i was just hassling her about something. Or proving I couldn't move on. Which I couldn't.
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u/bethhhhhhhbby 1d ago
Yeah, once you’re secretly checking messages and making decisions behind each other’s backs, the relationship is already in a really bad place
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u/tansynnnnnnluv 17h ago
Trust was already broken, but snooping and blocking people without talking made things worse
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
Not sure about that, she was tougher than me. And she told me she unblocked them all anyway.
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u/Head-Change-5857 7h ago
She unblocked them because she feeds on the attention
She did you a favor by leaving you-1
u/Extension-Ruin-1722 1d ago edited 1d ago
Exactly. Nice to see the male commentators fully in agreement that it's all her fault - and no to say she's the angel, I don't know that - but he proved to her repeatedly that:
- he can't be trusted (with or without miscommunication)
- he will not adress his suspicions but will have knee jerk reactions that can turn a nuissance into an actual problem.
It's like all of a sudden men don't understand how petty and vindictive some men get when they blocked 🤔
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
Hey, they may defend it but im not. Im defending her still in a lot of these comments. I take full accountability for my actions, they were wrong.
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u/Extension-Ruin-1722 1d ago
And you are right. Again, I'm not saying she is or would have been an angel. I don't know.
But it is wrong to search your partner's phone repeatedly and impersonate them online. Don't listen to losers who make excuses for you that cost them nothing when this behaviour will cost you PLENTY in the future.
You seem like a great guy with major trust issues. But those are fixable. Hang in there and be based in the knowledge that no relationship is ever risk free.1
u/psnben1567 1d ago
Impersonating? Where did you get that part? I just read messages. I never pretended to be her.
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u/Extension-Ruin-1722 1d ago edited 1d ago
Well since she found out and then unblocked them I thought you blocked them from her account. You blocked them from yours??
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
No it was from hers. I didnt really see that as impersonating. But I suppse technically it is.
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u/StrawberryBandit92 1d ago
Idk man it’s not right you invaded her privacy but ultimately she was the one that planted that seed in your head.
It’s also telling that she chose not to block those guys in the first place.
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u/Extension-Ruin-1722 1d ago
Lol, no it's not.
You obvs don't realise how many coworkers, colleagues, bosses, nice guys etc shoot low effort (somewhat plausible deniability or not really) shots on the daily. You need to save your blocks for the crazies - cause if you block them all of course you're the crazy one.1
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u/claudies1 1d ago
They hadn’t agreed to exclusivity and he went through her phone. She didn’t plant any seeds, it was him. Maybe it’s best you guys don’t see each other anymore.
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
We had agreed phyiscal exclusivity, so not dating or sleeping with anyone else.
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u/claudies1 1d ago
Ah, I missed that. Not to say that she was right if physical exclusivity was agreed upon. Regardless you shouldn’t have gone through her phone if you guys hadn’t made it official
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u/Expert-Number-1044 1d ago
Yeah that is fair. The privacy part was still wrong but I can understand where the suspicion came from.
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u/Forward-Low964 1d ago
Wait how is it her fault that dudes on the internet are hitting on her? Internet people are so delusional these days…
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u/ServikonIV 1d ago
She was a cheater. You should of just left the first time now she got you crazy
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
Nah i wouldnt go that far. We hadnt agreed to be exclusive at that time.
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u/Head-Change-5857 7h ago
So what was the point of physical exclusivity? Not sure I understand the difference
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u/BorderSpecial7935 1d ago
It’s hard to be in a relationship if you are 1. The jealous type and 2. Have a low self esteem. Both kind of bleed into each other. Learn from this. Obviously she liked you enough to be with you. If she didn’t show signs of cheating then why go through her personal stuff? This can get out of control fast. You need to learn how to talk to a partner instead of breaking their trust. You will drive yourself crazy if you spend the whole relationship wondering if your partner is cheating
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u/OhMyJoosh 1d ago
You definitely crossed a line by going through her phone and blocking people without her permission. But it sounds like those actions came from deep trust issues, not because you wanted to hurt her. Your past experiences explain the fear, but they don't excuse what you did.
The fact that you're taking responsibility and working on it in therapy is a good sign. You can't change what happened, but you can learn from it and make sure you don't repeat it in your next relationship.
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u/VanillaRushes 1d ago
You screwed up but you admit it and get help. Use guilt to change not punish yourself forever
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
What's the point? I already lost her and she wants nothing to do with me anymore.
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u/AccomplishedWatch161 16h ago
I dont see why the end of a relationship is a big problem, cause no relationship is worth your life and no life is worth your happiness.
If you feel the relationship was unsuccessful because of your inability to trust, that's fine.
But don't forget if you did not see all this things you could have invested further into it and maybe gotten your heart broken again 😔.
You're a lovely person and still deserve my respect though but learn to love yourself more, if you feel you're still unable to trust people maybe you should step back from relationships for a while until you can trust yourself to be happy around people. Cause nobody is to be trusted and nobody is worth that stress you put yourself through.
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u/Radiant-Ad-3038 15h ago
If you break someone’s trust, you are too immature and selfish to be in a relationship. Dating an insecure person is the most draining shit ever. Glad you are in therapy.
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u/Chemical_Shirt7837 7h ago
You didnt break trust she did. How badly has she got into your head. Your better off without an attention seeker whore like her.
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u/Football-Man-1889 14m ago
Your ability to trust a partner is very low but she obviously didn’t give you any sense of trust which compounded the situation.
Until you can allow yourself to trust someone, maybe you should avoid entering into a relationships.
It’s tough to take when someone cheats on you.
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u/steamerofhams 1d ago
Your future wife doesn’t meet you and still want to be with other guys. Learn from it and move on.
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u/Dragonboy8888 1d ago
Don't feel guilty at all. Your relationship was doomed from the start. There was no trust from you or her. She cheated on you from the start, multiple times with multiple men. You were never hers. You invaded her privacy. You obviously didn't trust her anyway because of what you did.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Move on from her.
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
Hold on a second. Multiple times with multiple men? It was just one guy after she had been talking to before me. I expressed exclusivity, but she hadnt agreed to it.
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
I carried in trust issues from my previous relationship which ended because my ex cheated for months.
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u/Unfair_Machine_7031 1d ago
I personally think the whole invasion of privacy thing isnt as big of a deal as most people on the internet do. They make it sound like THE cardinal sin. I really think people get so up in smoke about it because they are either cheating themselves or they personally dont want to know. Which do you but once suspicions start, the investigation does too.
The downside is that if youre wrong, you pretty much have to accept the fact that the ball is in your partners' court and youre gonna have to take it on the chin and accept the hand that they deal you. On the flip side of that same coin, you preserve a lot of valuable resources if youre right (Time, money, sanity, etc)
In your specific case, you were right. Where you really fucked up was going back.
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u/Extension-Ruin-1722 1d ago
Tbat's a nice way of rationalizing not respecting boundaries. And does it matter how big of a deal it is online? Op didn't get dumped online
Going trough the phone of someone you've met a month ago is crazy behavior.No offense OP, it's great that you're working on it in therapy.
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u/Unfair_Machine_7031 1d ago
Largely, I stand by most of what I said. But after reading your "met a month ago" I had to go back and reread and I missed a pretty important line of dialogue when I read it the first time. A month on and no agreed exclusivity puts OP squarely in the wrong (which blocking the guys was a pretty odd, desperate move anyway but). I know it wasnt neccessarily your intent but thanks for pointing that out. That one line kind of changes whose fault I lay this on.
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
Well, having read all your individual comments it is getting harder to not take offence.
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u/Extension-Ruin-1722 1d ago
Apologies. Let me rephrase: do YOURSELF a big favor and don't search the phones of people you've met a month ago. Time shouldn't be a factor here, but let's be real, it is.
Anyways, I'm outta here, not looking to cause offense or anything.
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u/ateottbafql 1d ago
I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. At the end of the day it’s best that you aren’t together bc she clearly isn’t ready for a committed relationship. Seriously, if she was she wouldn’t be sexting and she would’ve blocked other guys. I think she enjoys multiple men giving her attention and sadly you would never be enough. You deserve a woman that wants you and only you!!
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u/somebodysvillain 1d ago
Sexting is infidelity unless communicated otherwise at the beginning of a relationship. I would mark that as the beginning of the end, not you going through her phone. Is it cool to go through someone's phone without their knowledge and permission? Absolutely not, that's a huge breach of trust. But so is what she did, a worse offense by my standards. So, in my opinion, you had a pretty good reason not to trust her. However, what would have been smarter is to end a relationship with somebody who you either can't trust because of your issues or who isn't trustworthy. Nobody's smart when they're in love, and we all make mistakes in relationships, so I wouldn't beat myself up if I were you, but I would change my approach in the future. If infidelity happens again, first try to figure out with yourself if that's something you can live with, if you could ever trust that person again. And then act accordingly. Obviously, one conversation can't fix a damage like that and it's completely normal to want to open that conversation again and again, but it's better to talk it out for the hundredth time then go through someone's phone.
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
We had agreed to date exclusively, which in my mind meant that that you wouldn't so much as entertain the thought of others until that dating was over.
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u/Blazdnconfuzd 1d ago
Damn dawg she fucked you up and you developed chronic distrust. That shits rough but aye, you should've known who you were "entangling" yourself with. Some people show you outright, others lie and lie. But it's on you to distinguish between them before making certain decisions. It will take some time but know that if you can't trust yourself or someone else. You shouldn't be in or pursue any relationship.
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u/Extension-Ruin-1722 1d ago edited 1d ago
He already had chronic distrust. His story starts with him going through her phone for no reason - or none that he states anyway.
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u/psnben1567 1d ago
I think that was moreso my previous relationship. That was a 4 year one where my partner actually cheated.
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u/confessor-mod 1d ago
TL;DR: The author admits to repeatedly invading their partner's privacy by checking their phone and blocking their contacts, which ultimately led to the end of their relationship.
A reminder from the mods: keep comments civil. Harassment and personal attacks will not be tolerated.
Do not accuse others of faking confessions — if you think a post breaks the rules, report it instead of commenting.