r/fifthworldproblems • u/lel9000 • 10d ago

Visiting Hell, any good spots?

Hey! I'm going to Hell! It's my first time out of the Realm, and I decided to go to Hell since I heard Heaven took some cuts to their budget. Anyways, does anyone have any good recommendations for hellfire pits? Hotels? Restaurants? Torture galleries? I'm visiting with my wife and -3 children and I want to make sure we can have the best vacation we possibly can!

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13

u/SnooBooks007 10d ago

The Ninth Circle Cinema is screening a Pauly Shore marathon for the next century. No intermissions.

9

u/SmutLovinGirlFailure 9d ago

The only truly "real" experience in the top ring is Samael's Shake Shack, everything else is touristy schlock. But, like, if you appreciate GOOD touristy schlock hit up "I will not Bao". It's Asian fusion so take that how you will.

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u/sirdollface 9d ago

At Bao, you gotta try the Beelzebubble Tea.

6

u/Demoniac_smile 10d ago

Check out Lucifuge Rofocale’s Antiques, Curios, and Talents they have way better deals than Mephistopheles’ Emporium. Lilith’s Family Bordello is an absolute must! Beelzebub’s Hell’s Kitchen is worth a stop in, as long as you can handle the flies. The local’s will tell you the Pits of Lord Belial is overrated, don’t listen because they’re just trying to keep the crowds out. You know what is overrated though? Most of the Ninth Circle. Unless you really want to talk to Judas or Marcus Brutus. Nobody wants to talk to Cassius, he’s such a goddamned whiner.

5

u/sirdollface 9d ago

Don't forget to hit up the lake of fire. Last time i was there, they had canoe rentals right at the front gate.... beware of the dog, though.

5

u/Bitter_Surprise_8058 9d ago

There's a great tour you can get where they take you to see the souls of people you wouldn't have expected to be damned to eternal torment, and watch their ironic tortures. 

2

u/Demoniac_smile 9d ago

Watching Mother Theresa get eaten by leprosy will never get old.

5

u/AdvancedStudio9978 9d ago

Safe time on travel and just go to Miami😀

3

u/Entire_Resolution_36 9d ago edited 9d ago

Check out the peep shows in Old Town Lust. Definitely a look but don't touch situation but the girls are scary hot. Order the Hellfire martinis or if you're feeling adventurous the boiling beer. Don't ask what's floating in it.

For something safe to take the kids, The Bait Shop over on the corner of Manslaughter and Larceny, is, despite the name, actually a candy and snack bar. Cinnamin-tapedes on a stick, Beelzejuice soaked cake pops, sugar teeth, and jelly candies made from questionable gelatin are a favorite.

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u/lel9000 9d ago

I'll be sure to check it out! Thanks!

3

u/PrestigiousSmile4098 8d ago

Ever since Christopher Nolan's new film came out, all anyone wants to do is visit the Eighth Circle and talk to Odysseus. There are massive lines, and then when you finally get to the front of the line all he does is lie to you, it totally sucks.

2

u/Otherwise-One7653 9d ago

I used to work there, but on my somethingth cycle I ended up getting banned :( (ooc: i am actually banned from hell)

2

u/mysteryrouge Void Anarchist 10d ago

Near the Heaven Portal is fun if only to terrorize the angels.

1

u/CunningStuntsAround 8d ago edited 8d ago

Wait, you didn't try Valhalla or the Elysium Fields while on the north side?

Do you know anyone who was a Roman centurion run through with broadsword in cisalpine Gaul or any Norse guys hacked down at Stamford Bridge?

That's all that's needed to get in - They're pretty loose with their admittance policy like that.

1

u/TheTrophyWife_Life 6d ago

Make sure you take the kids to see The Red Lagoon! It rains fire and brimstone. The pyrotechnics are not to be missed. I heard Lindsey Graham made an unannounced visit there last week.