I swear everyone I’ve ever met with an ed has been so toxic and just cruel. We’re all struggling and suffering but why does this have to be forced onto other people? The amount of proana shit drives me utterly mad and full of so much rage.

My mind has been corrupted with this disorder for five years now. five years of my life I’ve spent my days either obsessing over losing weight or obsessing over recovering my weight. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the overthinking, the guilt, the slow relapses. I don’t want to still have this mindset ten years from now. I don’t want to end up like those old ladies that still worry about calories in their hospital bed. I’m tired of how pathetic I feel. A lot of people say that you can never get rid of these thoughts but I just don’t believe it. I know it’s possible and I want to achieve it. I want to go back to being carefree, instead of spending the day looking at everyone’s body and comparing it to mine. I want to not care that a skinny epidemic is going on right now, that everyone around me is dieting,going to the gym everyday and criticising everything people eat. I want to see those people and instead of feeling offended to just laugh in their face, because my life will be so much more than those frivolities.
The worst part is that even at my sickest weight, I still didn’t like myself. I did all of that, spent five years, and still wasn’t satisfied. And after all this time I don’t even know what identity to build outside of this disorder, after spending so long with it. The label has always been either “disordered” or “recovering”. What am I outside of that?

My whole existence has been consumed with such useless nonsense, and I’m done with it. I can’t go on thinking like this anymore. I’m probably gonna delete all socials, and anything that has to do with Eds and body images in general. I want to actually find myself instead of letting everyone else decide for me.

Just had this revelation that I’m seriously so done with it. I started intense treatment this week, which is every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, where we eat 1 meal and 1 snack together in a group and do other activities as well. The fact that I can’t have any say in the tasteless food they serve us is enough for me to really kick my EDs butt to get the hell out of there LOL! I wasn’t even allowed to add salt to my butter or add another piece of cheese to my bread like WGAT DO YOU MEAAANNN.
I have to gain weight no matter what so I might as well eat delicious and TASTEFUL foods instead of boring crap.
I will beat this shit and I will get out of there and be put on a less intense treatment plan. Freedooom!

what ‘method’ did you use? Was your experience different from someone who is neurotypical??

i am genuinely becoming distraught about my cravings. i’ve literally spent hours crying over how much im craving this specific pizza from a pizza chain (it’s very large and i’ve eaten the entire thing multiple times these past few weeks) and i really don’t know what to do. i know this is a form of extreme hunger but it cannot be healthy to eat this 2000+ calorie pizza whenever i’m craving it (and i do crave it a lot). it actually becomes debilitating because i can’t bring myself to eat anything or think about anything but this damn pizza. what am i supposed to do? i’ve tried honouring my craving when i get it but it’s not going away and i keep craving it. i feel silly writing this post because it seems so stupid but i’m very upset over this. i’m also embarrassed because the restaurant has delivered to my house so many times in such a short time frame 😭

update: i got the pizza (& 2 sides)

I’m recovering and gaining healthy weight. I feel good and I’ve found joy and freedom in food again. Like most people who have experienced eating disorders, I have good days and I have bad days. Some days I can “exist easily” in my physical body. Some days I feel enslaved to my physical body and my own harsh criticisms. These days are hard for me. No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop fixating on characteristics I have deemed imperfect. Prior to my ED, I never had cellulite. I do now. I have dimples in my skin and I’m having a hard time coping with this physical change. I’m uncomfortable and I know I do not want to relapse. My life has improved so much since I’ve chosen recovery, but moments like these make it so hard to not romanticize the past (days prior to the ED and days during the ED). My value is not dictated by my physical body, size, shape or smoothness. I know this but sometimes it’s just so hard. Has anyone struggled with anything similar?

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My friend has recently relapsed pretty badly with her eating disorder, and I’m honestly not sure how to handle it. I really care about her and I still want to spend time with her because she’s my friend, and I don’t want her to feel like I’m abandoning her because she’s struggling.

At the same time, I’ve noticed that being around her has been triggering me a lot. I’ve dealt with a pretty severe ED myself in the past, and lately I’ve been feeling myself slipping back into some of the thoughts and habits I worked really hard to get away from. I hate that I’m feeling this way because I know her relapse isn’t her fault, and I don’t want to make her feel guilty for struggling.

I also feel guilty for even needing distance. Part of me feels like I should be able to support her without being affected by it, but I’m realizing that I might need to protect my own recovery too.

Has anyone else been in a situation where someone close to them relapsed while they were trying to recover themselves? How did you balance caring about your friend with protecting your own mental health?

I just need to vent for a moment.
For the past 10 months, I’ve been dealing with extreme, relentless physical hunger. I’m obese now, which is something I’ve never been in my entire life. And it’s just not getting better.
It’s incredibly hard when you receive basically no support or validation for what you’re going through. But the worst part is the horrible uncertainty of not knowing when this will end.
Another year? Two years? Even three? I genuinely don’t know.
All the restriction is months behind me. My OCD is surprisingly entirely gone. Mentally, I feel completely recovered. I give my body everything it asks for. I don’t restrict. I eat. I listen to my hunger.
And yet my body seems completely out of whack.
My digestion is totally fucked. I’m physically unable to function. I’m exhausted all the time. I barely move anymore — I’ve been lying on the couch for months because I simply don’t have the energy.
My entire life has fallen apart. My daily routine, my studies, everything.
I can’t study because I’m constantly hungry. It’s constant terror. I can’t concentrate. I can barely think about anything else. It’s a living hell.
And I’m just so tired of not knowing.
How am I supposed to find hope during a time like this? How do I keep enduring this when there’s no clear end in sight?
And then the doubts creep back in:
Will this ever get better?
Am I really going to have to live with this unbearable hunger forever?
I know recovery isn’t linear. I know my body has been through a lot after years of restriction. But knowing that doesn’t make this any easier when you’re the one living through it every single day.
Anyway, thank you for reading. I just really needed to get this off my chest.

Later in September i’m admitting to residential to really get moving in recovery. I’m so nervous! Im telling my family tonight, I think. Im ready to try and take back control of myself.

Those who have been, what are some things to know ahead of time? How much should I pack? WHAT should I pack? Thanks in advance !

I’m 14 months postpartum and stopped breastfeeding about a month ago. I have a history of a very severe eating disorder, which I struggled with from my 20s until 33. I recovered because I wanted to have a child, and I’ve worked very hard to stay in recovery.
During pregnancy and breastfeeding, I tried not to focus too much on my weight, although I did have thoughts about wanting to lose some weight. Now that I’ve stopped breastfeeding, those thoughts have suddenly become much stronger. I’ve become so obsessed with losing weight that I’ve barely eaten for the past two days, which really scares me.
At the same time, I’m experiencing a lot of hair loss. I’ve struggled with hair loss during my ED, recovery, pregnancy and breastfeeding, but right now it feels worse than ever.
I feel completely torn between wanting to lose weight and being terrified that restricting my food will make my hair loss even worse — and, more importantly, that I’ll relapse.
Has anyone else experienced something similar after stopping breastfeeding, especially with a history of an eating disorder? What helped you when those thoughts started becoming obsessive again?
I’d really appreciate any advice or personal experiences. ❤️

i know this is a common feeling with people with EDs but I was wondering if anyone could drop some wisdom on how they got round that feeling?

I’ve come to see that dissociation is actually a huge trigger for my ED. I’ve chronically dissociated my entire life as a coping mechanism(if you can even call it that) from OCD and maybe(?)gender dysphoria and several other issues. When I was 14, I suddenly snapped out of it for a moment and felt bewildered by what my body looked like(as well as who I even was). It was like body horror, and I had to “fix” myself, this took me down a long road of complete self-abandonment, in order to become “perfect”, and “prevent”(avoid) perceived or even real fears. Completely pissed that I had been denying reality my entire life, I shamed and hated myself, which spiraled into a very real ED, and I am only now trying to recover, as an adult. The dissociation is my main trigger at this point, I’m horrified of “forgetting” what I look like, or denying reality again. It makes reality and self-trust extremely difficult. As well as kind of makes the typical ED recovery treatment and tips void, because I can’t simply “cover the mirrors” “don’t look” “avoid [x]”, I have to quite literally do OCD-type exposure to my own face and body, watch compulsions from forming, learn to not hate myself, and make sure that I slowly ween off of the reverse-checking and learn to trust that I won’t dissociate if I don’t check, all at once. If anybody else has experienced this, please leave a comment and tips if you have any, I honestly feel so alone in this issue.

other than weight obviously

I just came back from a 2 weeks trip exploring a country with my best friend, and I’m just feeling so grateful for recovery atm because I can truly say with my full heart that I HAD THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE!!!! It felt as if i flipped a switch within my brain, and although I’ve had handful of times where I was struggling with the thoughts, I surprisingly didn’t feel nearly as guilty or bad despite eating every meal & snack out, every single day!

We had days where we ate parfaits for breakfast, cake for lunch dessert, and not a single day went by without having MULTIPLE sweet treats between meals we ate out:) We walked a lot everyday too as we explored the cities & did sm fun things together, which normally would have made me feel absolutely exhausted & dizzy. But all that good food we had made me feel so full of life & energy, and I not only had the energy to walk so much but also enjoy every minute of everyday!!! This trip reminded me that there is so much more to my life than my ed & looking the tiniest & being the most miserable version of myself. It has confirmed to me that nothing bad actually happens when I truly let go of all the rules and numbers that had been holding me back, and in fact, my life keeps expanding the more I challenge my ed & push myself in recovery<3

Now that I’m back home, I am struggling more with comparison again just like pre-travel days. But I am so determined to keep this momentum going, because I do not want to return back to where I was months ago, so consumed by disordered thoughts in my head & isolating myself from the world.

I hope this post can be a nice reminder for anyone else in recovery, that there are sooo many more beautiful things in life waiting to be experienced, which can only be experienced & fully enjoyed if we keep choosing recovery! Life can be so much more enjoyable when your life isn’t revolved around how much you’ve eaten today or how your body looks, which are things that don’t mean anything at the end of the day. Keep choosing recovery so that you can make so many more precious memories with the people you love, instead of “living” in this isolating & boring bubble. Keep choosing recovery so that you can be full of life again, and return back to your lovely true self again. There is light at the end of the tunnel<3

I thought that weight gain was because of excess energy being converted into fat. But if the body is using that energy to heal itself how come we still gain? I've accepted this is a part of the recovery process; I am just curious how our bodies work!

so i just finished treatment after 4 months away from home. 2 weeks later (yesterday) i moved into college.

my two weeks home before i left i was doing sooo well. i was so motivated and didn’t even think about my ED

well yesterday i moved into college and im already relapsing. bad. like i feel guilt for eating literally fruit. what do i do.

i really don’t want to relapse. i’ve worked so hard.

I have done recovery before but always relapsed or “fallen off“ when I hit quasi recovery

I want to recover FULLY this time

I have recently relapsed and I don’t know how to restart recovery. It feels like I’m starting from scratch and I don’t know what to do.

THIS IS JUST A VENT!

As the title says, I messed up last semester (my second semester) of college very badly because of anorexia. I went through the worst relapse of my life during the second half of the semester. This relapse lasted until 2 months ago when I finally started recovery once more. Now I'm back at college for my sophomore year and I'm left with the consequences of genuinely everything that happened. I'm having to retake the calculus class I took and got dropped from a course because I didn't meet prerequisites. I do not know how to cope with this.

hi guys,

(not officially diagnosed but the doctor has suspicions that i could have an eating disorder as i have been constantly back and forth the doctors for the past two months for another health related issue)

so basically i have accepted that i just need to stop with my restriction and let myself finally be free when it comes to food and my weight. i’m just honestly tired and done with the fear, tracking, having to weigh myself every day, having no period, (sorry this is gross- but literally being incontinent and actually pissing myself) feeling weak, feeling tired, feeling sad, angry and alone in this, not feeling like i have a life. i’m just done. but i have no idea where to start.

i’ve been referred to a dietician BUT i dunno how long that’s going to take and i just need things to change now.

i’ve been eating more over the past few weeks and im aware of this because i’m still tracking calories. i can’t bring myself to stop. i’ve tried a couple of days to do one unlogged meal of what im having. i manage to do it and have the untracked meal but in my head i know the rough quantities of what i ate so i go back and track it anyway so i might as well have just tracked in the first place. and like i just don’t know how much to eat in order to become healthy again. or what to eat? i just don’t know. but..

i just can’t go on like this anymore. it’s exhausting. but i am SO scared to gain weight and see my body change.

Sorry idk if this makes sense!! I've heard a a lot about mental hunger in recovery but I can't tell if I actually have it or not. I feel like thinking about food is normal even for those who have not suffered from and ED so I'm just struggling to decipher wether these are normal thoughts or not. Like I feel like I'm making an excuse to eat food just because I'm "in recovery", even thought it might just be boredom and not mental hunger.

Hello!! I used to post to this sub all the time last fall when I began my recovery and I was struggling. I have been doing so much better and I’ve not updated in a while but I am not here for that

All these names are fake. My friend Alex spoke to me about seeing a notification on our mutual friend Sarah’s phone that was a bit concerning from an anorexia subreddit

This surprised me and I feel guilt that i haven’t noticed her struggling since I was in the same boat as her for years, but looking back I was also very sneaky about my behaviors. The possibility of someone finding out I was disordered was my biggest fear. So with that understanding I’m trying to not feel guilty about not noticing

Alex wants to have a group discussion with a few of our mutual friends (that he also already told about the notification) and Sarah. None of the people in our friend group know about my history with anorexia, and I only opened up to Alex about it literally during this conversation about Sarah. And I told him how I’m concerned that Sarah will feel ganged up on if we have a group talk with her

Im wondering if anyone has any advice. I don’t really know what to do. I think it would be good for me to have a one on one talk with Sarah. We’re close enough for her to hopefully feel comfortable. I don’t know if I should tell her about my eating disorder. I dont want to accidentally trigger her, but I also want her to know that I do understand and maybe make her feel less alone

I'm seriously going insane. I genuinely cannot tell if I am hungry or not. I keep thinking about food but I have eaten so much that I feel full.i can't tell if I'm actually hungry or if I'm just bored yk?
I'm sorry I don't even really know how to explain it 😭

I'm just feeling so demotivated and destroyed by this as the title says. I know everybody's experience of recovery is different, and i know i still need to push forward but i don't know how with the emotional impact of this

, if I'm not mistaken this is a common phenomenon but only since I've (~7-8 weeks) started physical weight restoration from being at a really really terrible point, have i SUDDENLY lost practically 4/5ths of what used to be a full head of SUCH thick, long hair. And now, left with what feels like a few straggly, frizzy, thin ugly pieces of hair left i just feel like a shell of myself and even more insecure and ruined, and i just don't know what to do. does anybody else who's been down this path have any words of assurance or advice to offer?? i really really need it. I'm grieving it so much and feel like even years and years down the line it will never be the same