hi reddit. I’m 18F and 2 years ago, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life, and sometimes I feel like i’m being haunted by it.

since 2019, my mom had liver failure. she was a heavt alcoholic, and had been for many years. a huge factor to her alcoholism was my dad being incredibly abusive toward her and my siblings.

when they separated, she got worse, and I started to despise her. I reflect on these moments where I could have given her one last hug, or opened up to her, begged her to stop drinking, but I didn’t. her alcoholism got so bad, she was in the hospital for months on end and I was so disappointed. I knew I could never rely on her again.

I still remember her face the last time she went to the hospital. I didn’t know she was going to die. I would have hugged her, but I didn’t.

she got transferred to the ICU on a ventilator. I didn’t get to say goodbye, she was in a medically induced coma. I had the decision when the doctors realize she was deteriorating, despite being on multiple machines and medicines.

I made the decision. she died, and it felt as if her entire life was in my hands.

I never felt this way until recently. It keeps me up at night.

I am destroyed, my cat was only 12.5 years old, she came from a feral litter that was born on my property, I’ve literally had her since the day she was born. She was healthy up until about two weeks ago when she suddenly started losing a lot of weight, then she started having balance issues. I brought her to the vet for an exam yesterday and they said they thought they felt a tumor. I brought her back in today and they did x rays and testing and confirmed she had a tumor and it wasn’t removable and was likely cancerous. 5 minutes after I returned home with her from the vet she tried to jump on my bureau and fell and got really hurt. I rushed her to the emergency vet and there was nothing they could do.

I was given the news about the tumor at 3pm and by 5pm she was dead. I don’t understand how it happened so fast, she was herself this morning. It doesn’t feel real.

I feel so guilty she spent 6 hours at the vet today and then 5 minutes after she came home she had to go back. She didn’t even get to have a good last day. I thought I could have up to a couple months before I had to make the call to put her to sleep, I wanted to give her a good last day where she got lots of treats but instead she didn’t even get to eat today because of the x rays and testing…

This cat got me through middle school and all of the worst times in my life, she was so unbelievably important to me. It hurts more than it has hurt to lose some of my human loved ones. She just crossed the threshold into being considered a senior cat, she should’ve had more time. I knew one day she would pass but I didn’t think it would be so soon. I am crushed, she has a biological sister who is so bonded to her too and I am so incredibly sad for her as well. I’ve been there for multiple animal’s last breaths but none of them felt the way this one does. It’s scary how quickly a day can change everything. I don’t even know what to say, I just need to say things right now :(

This summer I went back home to my parents for the month of august, but before I left I had noticed one of my best friends was acting a bit aloof, not replying to texts or being a bit cold in person. I let it slide for awhile because I was trying to understand if I was imagining it. The day before I left we met up with our other mutual friend, to whom I had spoken beforehand about my suspicions, and we wanted to gently ask her if everything was all right, but when she arrived she said she had just gotten her period and was not feeling well mentally, so I decided to postpone our little investigation.

A few days after I left, the mutual friend invited her and her brothers to an event. There, she finally asked her what was wrong and she responded her uncle had passed away and didn't want to talk about it and wanted to stay off messaging apps. Which is completely fine, if not for the fact that I learned all of this from the other friend unbeknownst to her.

During the summer she still went out and had her vacation, and I'm happy for her that she was able to do nice things.

I'm now back in the city and tentatively reached out in our groupchat saying I had missed them and wanted to meet up. The message still sits unread by her. Which I can understand, but now she has been no contact with me for almost two months. And for all she knows, I don't even know what has happened to her. And of course everybody grieves differently, but the fact that she did things with other people and is unresponsive when I ask to meet up makes me feel weird inside (messaging is still the only way I know how to reach her instead of pounding on her door).

I just want to be able to help her and if helping her means keeping my distance for awhile, I'd do so, but she hasn't let me know and I don't know what I am supposed to do! And the little devil on my shoulder is suggesting it has something to do with me too.

My ex and I had a very on and off relationship for over 4 years. It’s been really hard and unrewarding at times but somehow whenever we would breakup one of us would initiate the makeup. I called him drunk recently and he told me that he met someone. They had hung out 3 times and he drives an hour away to see her. They’ve gone to the movies and to the bar with her friends. I made the mistake of asking if they did anything and he told me that they made out and he was feeling on her. I’m so hurt I seriously didn’t think I’d feel this bad considering that I have usually been the one to move on first. I feel like I lost this breakup.

In the brain it feels like I'm going insane or like living with heavy baggage with no help, it's too crazy to live everyday life. Many relatives knew that my little sister (22 years) was going to die because of her terminal illness, but I can't cry with anyone. In the last 15 years I haven't had anyone who really listens and supports me. I haven't felt a good feeling after I've shared something heavy with someone. I told my oldest "close" friend that my sister died, we were sitting in a car and I told her that I've been a bit quiet because something really sad has happened, and then I told her that. She has sisters (and is super close with her family) so I thought she would be shocked. But she was smiling like she always is, just said something like "Aww that's okay... We can chill and watch movies whenever you want." I was a bit disgusted and haven't talked to her since. And she hasn't sent me any messages either. So yeah grieving alone feels super weird, awful, stressful and empty in "end of it all" way.

My dad is only 67. He has worked in the medical field and taken care of others for over 30 years. He has always taken care of his health but a few years back he was diagnosed with small bowel cancer. After years of surgeries to remove surgeries from his colon and three times being “all clear” then being diagnosed again shortly after, he has another tumor that they fear is inoperable. They are doing a scan tomorrow after this most recent chemo started (first scan after three treatments completed) to determine if treatment is doing anything or not.

I Was there when they told us that most surgeons wouldn’t suggest operating because of placement, but one who is willing to do everything possible since he has such a longstanding career with him.

I fear that this scan tomorrow will tell us the worst; the chemo isn’t working or the tumor is growing rapidly and all that is left is this risky surgery.

They said if they don’t operate and chemo doesn’t work, it’s likely just seeing how much time is left for him.

I know I am not unique when I say that my dad means the world to me. As someone who has struggled with a variety of mental struggles in my life, this man has been my sounding board, my blunt truth teller and the person who always understood me. The person who helped me hold out hope

I keep looking for a fix but there isn’t one. I just don’t know I I’ll survive without him. He’s just my person

Any advice or suggestions for coping?
I’m already unraveling and feel like I’m failing my kids and work on top of already grieving this

What does this mean?

I have caught myself shedding tears over Dolly. I have grown up with knowing who she is and her music but now that she is gone, I feel emotional when I think of her.. I have also been listening to her audiobook of Songteller.

I know this is a weird post or sounds made up.

I would like to know if someone has ever felt this way over someone they have never personally met?

Hi! I'm 21. I'm someone that was deeply neglected as a child, I saw domestic violence throughout my whole infancy, mum was a drug and sex addict it seems, she would date any man and bribe me with toys and candy in order to be able to leave the house for days in a row. I was victim of child SA too. My parents got divorced when I was 5, I was left living with her and my grandpa.

My gramps even though he was violent and not really child-experienced -heavily traumatized my mum and my uncle, his son- he did everything he could to keep me alive while my dad was away. For six years he made me food, took me to school and pay for it, got me home safely at night, helped me studying math and german, and a lot more.

I left the house at 11. I started living with my dad in another city because otherwise I would have been taken to foster care. I thought my life was going to be a lot better but my dad partner's turned out to be an abusive, narccisistic and crazy bitch, and my dad has never really do anything about her because it is her house.

Gramps never really known this, he loves her deeply, he doesn't know how unhappy and sad I am. My partner, SIL and MIL are the ones holding me right now. It is the only "thank you" gift I can give to him. Return the love. Returning the favor. I'm trying to hold everything together because I need him to have a peaceful death and that he never feels bad for handing me to them.

He's 86, has an untreated skin cancer that has been with him for more than 40 years. There's no way in hell he does something about it. He lives alone with his +10 years old Dachshound. My dad is staying with him for a few weeks, he's having heavily bloody stools, and he has been taking his own poop with his hand for a while now because he gets heavily constipated and doesn't have enough strength to push it out. Also since my dad arrived he has been just having diahrroea and a lot of accidents daily. Dad tells me he is going to die soon.

Nursing homes are not an option nor in-home care with a doctor or nurse. He doesn't want to live with anyone else or go to another house. He wants his life to end his way and in his house.

I don't know what to do, we are more than 1200 kilometers apart, travelling is an expense of more than $300 that I don't have since I'm still a student and going to that home kills me inside, even though I'm willing to do anything for him. I haven't lost anyone in my life, but losing him it's going to be like losing a mum. I don't know life without him on it.

Can you prepare for heavy grief? Like, I don't really know, I'm so scared of him dying even though I know he's old and fragile. I don't know what is going to happen to me when the moment comes. How to cope.

Sorry for the broken english, I usually write a lot better but I am so sad right now.

My little girl, innocent and pure. She lived only twelve days. We miss her every day.

It hurts.

My wife is suffering more than she ever has before.

My son asks me when he can see his sister again.

A part of us has died.

Why does He allow this? It’s simply not possible.

I'll give you the short story.

My grandfather passed away last week (dads father), he was put in hopsital and had heart issues which they sorted, he then refused to eat for 3 weeks and died.

My parents since the beginning of this year have been getting a divorce because my dad was seeing another woman behind my mums back. He has been nasty to me and my sibling when holding him accountable, refused to move out of the home, causing a lot of pain and suffering for my mum, and being nasty to her. I have a 1 year old son, and my dad has chosen to prioritise this woman and her 2 younger kids over his own grandson.

Since then, I told him I want nothing to do with him or see him till he moves out and gives my mum and my brother space. He has moved out eventually.

I wasn't that close with my grandfather either but had some memories. I know I should attend for the support of my dad. But with everything going on, I feel im more worried about having be fake with my dad, his family who also judge me and I feel uncomfortable presence with anyway, let alone with the divorce going on, as my dad as blamed my mum on his story side. I would rather go to work as I love my job and just grieve my grandad is my own way.

Is this selfish, is it okay to not attend? I dont want drama, I dont want fakeness, I want to have to pretend.

my mom passed away out of nowhere about 4 years ago while i was still in high school. she was the only parent in my life since my dad was not in the picture(for certain reasons). anyways obviously at times i still grieve her especially as she was no longer there for my milestones such as graduation, getting into college etc. i’m coming up on my senior year now and just the other week i had a dream where she was in it. it was a familiar place that was comforting; it was a mix of my childhood home and where i now live for college. she talked about going on vacation and taking a plane there to make up for her absence, but then when i was ready and she was supposed to pick me up to leave, she left without answering my texts or calls because she got on the plane herself. i was stuck alone at home with stuff packed. i’ve been stuck on this dream ever since and i don’t know how to feel. and since i never got to say goodbye or see her face one last time before the funeral ive been debating on contacting the coroner’s office to ask to see the picture of just her face so i can say goodbye. would that be weird? i’m at a complete lost and feel like i lost her again since that dream.

My best friend died a year ago today. He was the officiant of my wedding and one of the best people that will ever walk this earth. I was in a bad place place when I met Scott. No path, drinking too much, no hope for a future. He took me in and mentored me to get to a better place in my life where I’m thriving. He died a year ago today in a small plane crash in Utah. Had just flown cross country from NC to the playa for burning man, one of his last bucket list items because he lived hard and fast and if there was something he wanted to do he did it. . He only made it about 1/4 of the way back, they made a turn up a canyon that they weren’t able to make it out of. Gone, just like that. No more golf together, no more phone calls when I need advice, no more infectious laugh, no more visits for my dogs with uncle Scott who they may have loved more than me. I still expect him to walk back through my door someday. Expect a call where I can tell him about how much I love him and appreciate everything he ever did for me. Not sure it’ll ever feel real.

My mom originally married Ed in 1998. This was during my blurriest years. I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. We all adored our dad, who was mine along with my brother and younger sister’s biological dad. As did my older sisters. None of us really ever accepted the concept of step anything, sister, father or otherwise.

My mom had been divorced for 8 years at this point. Ed comes into picture and 18 year old me immediately rejected him. He had a heavy Boston accent, smoked kools and drank Paul Mason. He was obsessed with Picssso and recreated a lot of his work. He was actually a pretty good painter. My mom was absolutely smitten. I eventually got my shit together and moved out. My youngest sister remained in the house with my younger brother.

We all eventually moved out and on with our lives. I stayed somewhat local and would see mom regularly over the years. They divorced in 2004. They then reconnected and remarried in 2009.

Over the years, I grew to appreciate Ed. He stuck around, loved my mom dearly and loved our family even though we weren’t always welcoming. He was addicted to buying watches online, telling stories from Boston, listening to jazz music and painting. He did all of this classy activity from the couch wearing penny loafers. He smelled like booze and cigarettes. He spoke bluntly and was always genuinely concerned about how you were doing.

He eventually got too cozy on a drunken night with my mom’s sister. My mom told him to leave, he did. I haven’t seen him since 2016ish.

I found out he died today. I’m not sure exactly where he was living. I heard he drank and smoke up till the very end. He had a huge influence on an old friend of my brothers and I. We grew up skateboarding well into adulthood and quoting the movie Glengarry, Glen Ross.Ed reminded us of that movie in general. Specifically the guy Blake is talking to when he says “ it takes brass balls to sell real estate “.

Long story short, Ed and my mom never formally divorced. My mom found out she will be getting his social security checks ..I knew Ed always wanted to leave something behind when he was gone and he did. Rip Ed. You were a good man.

my grandmother died 19 days ago with me at her bedside. it was expected, she had dementia and other issues, i’d been her 24/7 caregiver for months.

the aftermath has left me more depressed and wanting to unalive more than ever.

my grandma was in a horrible accident when she was 13, survived a 30+ day coma, had lifelong issues due to her tbi, became a widow at 49, never remarried or did anything but work until us grandkids came along. then lived alone for 20+ years until i moved in earlier this year. everyone keeps telling me “she lived a great life” but it feels like everything was for nothing.

we give away her belongings, throw away her hoards of trash, everything she spent 87 years loving and collecting means nothing to the rest of us.

i’ve always had mental health issues but it feels like i can’t find anything that would make living 50+ more years worth it. i’m 24 and i feel so tired already. i’ve already gone through my fair share of childhood SA and emotional abuse.

i have a wonderful fiancee who helped care for my grandmother and has been my everything for almost 6 years and 6 wonderful kitties who i love to death. but i don’t know how to crawl out of this hole.

i’ve been in therapy consistently for 2 years and my therapist is very worried but it just feels like there’s nothing that can be done. i just want to be with my grandma and not somewhere where i’ll continue to struggle.

I am almost 30 - mom to a two year old and an almost fourth month old. In early August, four days after my daughter turned three months old, my father passed away unexpectedly.

This has been the hardest time of my life.

I woke up one morning to my mom on the phone hysterical with my husband. It’s almost like I can’t remember what life was like before then. It all just feels like grief. It’s been the longest month of my life.
It was my first week back to work too.

My mom said she doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it. Sometimes she will tell me she thinks he’s watching over her. She says she’s fine. I’m so worried about being strong for her I haven’t told her that I’m not doing good.

English isn’t her first language and she’s depending on me to handle all of the admin things and take over her finances (my dad handled everything). I wrote his obituary. I called to let friends know. I planned with the funeral home. I’m responding to sympathy cards. She doesn’t know how to access their shared bank account or pay off the credit card. I’ve spent so much time on customer service lines trying to hold it together while I explain my dad died I need help getting my mom access to this account. I need to go to social security with her to figure out how she can get survivor benefits. I need to bring an affidavit to a bank because he had an account with no beneficiary.
It’s all a headache and I’m not sleeping through the night. I wake up 2-3 times to nurse. My reading comprehension is so low.

It used to be that every drive or shower was a break for me. Now I’m scared because that is prime think about dad and cry time. When i do bedtime with my toddler, I look at a book and realize it’s the last one he will ever get from my dad. He doesn’t know that yet. I haven’t even thought about how do I explain grandpa passed away? How do I explain death?

I feel it’s so cruel that I’m three months postpartum and my dad died. My kids won’t get to know him. I have so much life to live and he’ll be gone. I won’t ever get to talk to him again. If I ever have another baby, he will never meet them. The one person I want to talk to, the one person who I know would be in my corner, he’s gone.

I didn’t get to say goodbye. Having a toddler and a baby is a busy season of life and now any downtime is spent grieving. When will things get better? I feel like I have no time to rest and recover. My kids aren’t getting the best version of their mom. I have no time for self care. I can’t concentrate at work. I have a hard time being present. It feels like there’s no time in the day and when there is I’m just sad. How do I help myself?

Just one of those days where it hits a little harder than usual. Just wish i can have one more long and genuine conversation with my mom, to laugh with her, hug her kiss her. But, I can’t and I gotta accept it, and I have been accepting it, but it’s this unexplainable uneasy feeling in my gut about it… I haven’t really cried, maybe shedded light tears but no emotional outburst. Every day I just wish this wasn’t reality.. but it makes me kinda at ease knowing I’m not the only one who maybe feels this way. I just miss my mom heavily, this isn’t fair, she left too soon, but I gotta keep progressing

Thanks for reading!

I (29F) am having a bit of a crisis. Its been 4 years since my mom has passed.

Context: It really hit each member differently in the family, but I think it hit me the hardest as we were the closest. I quit my job and didnt work for a year bc I could not go 5 minutes without crying. Family dynamics and everything - I did not have anyone to rely on. Most of the my family got to a place of surpression and moving on as a coping mechanism and harshly judged me for falling a part. I've gotten to an okay place - I have a great job, in a healthy relationship, etc but my family and I rarely talk about her bc of how differently we all grieved and look back at the trauma. It just ends in everyone upset.

Issue: A year ago, my dad wanted to get rid of all her things specificially her clothes. Space is not an issue here bc the house is not small. He emptied her closet and moved some of his personal sporty items into it. He put all her clothes in boxes and told my sister and I to go through them and donate the items we dont want to keep. My mother was fashion forward - loved a good deal, shopping, and designing her clothes however she was small. 4'10 on a good day so all her clothes dont really fit either of us as she would hem things to fit her specifically. She loved clothes and her legacy can be seen in seems she sowed on every other garment. I was really offended at first, but I realized again that ppl grieve in different ways so I took as many clothes as I could fit - the ones that were her favorites and the ones that I was there when she bought, the ones that she loved (my sister didnt want any either). And the rest I donated to her favorite women's shelter that she would volunteer with. We made a compromise with my dad that we could put one closet in a room (he doesnt even go in) for her things that we didn't have room to take. He agreed but now a year later he wants to get rid of it all again.

I was fuming. We spent so much time going through and organizing. My sister and I confronted him about trying to erase her but he said he didnt need anything else to worry about in the house. Mind you - the closet full of her clothes is tiny. I would take them but I dont have any room - about 30% of my apartment closet is already her clothes from a year ago that I cant even wear.

I dont know what to do here. Should I be donating the clothes? Am I the only holding on too tight? I just dont understand why a closet he doesnt even have to think about is still too much. Im trying not to feel some sort of way but its putting me in that isolated mindset when this first happened as I seem to be the only one that wants her things. Do I need to let ago? Bc I really dont want to and it hurts being the only one that cares.

I feel like I’m being gaslit that my dad was perfect, but I need to refuse to believe that.

There were great times with my dad, far far more than bad times. But there was physical/verbal/emotional abuse as well. He died a month ago, and all anyone has said is how great he was. Nothing bad, only good. As if he was perfect. If he was perfect, then he made no mistakes. That would mean hitting me wasn’t a mistake. That would mean I deserved it. But I didn’t.

He was only 48. He was diagnosed with colon cancer two years ago and placed on hospice 2 months ago. It was something we all knew was going to happen. I dragged my feet all of Saturday (which was yesterday to make the two hour drive to see him) and left it better for Sunday (which is today). I could have seen him both days but I was feeling tired from a long week. I saw him today and told him how much he meant to me and how many wonderful memories I have with him. He was always a presence floating in the ether for me and appearing when I most needed him. I told him how proud I was of him for going out on his own and building his business from scratch, really pulling himself and his family out of poverty and raising his two boys with all the love he was never given. I told him him how much I didn’t understand him growing up and how it took me reaching adulthood and facing deep disappointments and difficulties of my own to gain the perspective necessary to understand so much of what he was experiencing. I see now where so much of his frustration and anger was coming from now and perhaps I share my grief for the hardship we all faced. Coming from a difficult upbringing for vastly different reasons, I feel lucky that at this point, however fruitless it feels, I can understand a tiny part of what it was that for so long felt like he was pushing me away. In seeing him slowly wither away until he was a shadow of his former self I prayed that he could be spared from more suffering and he find some grace to leave his life, his young family at the young age of 48 years old. There was so much that I wish could have happened differently for him and for all of my family but had it been any other way he wouldn’t have made such a wonderful life for himself and his kids. I hope he feels that he is seen with compassion, with care and with love and he’s missed. He was always loved despite all of the silly issues we had with each other or our family had collectively with any other family member. Its not easy to see him suffer through such a painful death but i hope he lives a liberated existence now free from all of the things that hurt him deeply. The loss of a mother, the neglect, the fight to live in deep poverty, the people who took advantage of him and harmed him unnecessarily and undeservedly. He deserved so much more and with the little he was given he forged a path for himself and his boys. I want to remember him in his most jovial moments full of energy and boundless happiness. The way I remember he was as a child. The way that I felt moments of bliss as a toddler and young child seeing all of my family together and expressing pure joy through all of life difficulties.

My Nan passed away in 2017, and at the time, I was around 12.

I think it was due to my age, but also my dad's troubled relationship with her that I never felt like I had fully processed what had happened as my emotions were often suppressed.

She was Irish, and I'm beginning to look into Irish history, and the further I get, the more upsetting it's becoming.

As I felt like I never grieved closer to the time, could my sadness be grieving 9 years after? Or is that too long?

If anyone could offer advice, or let me know if they've had something similar, then that would be amazing, thank you.

*Title meant to say grieve

My father passed away on Friday August 16th at 10 pm. He had been in and out of the hospital since March and we all thought this would be another few days fixing things. Friday night I get the text from mom, “dad can’t breathe and I’m freaking out. I need someone here” my brother and boyfriend jumped in the car speeding to get to the hospital. Half way there we get the text, “his heart stopped.” Complete panic set in, the next thing I know we are rounding the corner in the hospital to see my mom crying with the chaplain. Over 30 people were in the room trying to get his heart started.

Minutes later the doctor comes out of his room and says, “we have been unable to get a pulse for over 25 minutes and at this time, we recommend stopping life saving measures because his brain has been without oxygen for so long”

My world shattered. I laid my head on his chest and cried so hard. My dad, my protector, the person who knows me better than anyone. How can this be REAL.

Over the past six months he has been through hell trying to get better for his family. So many surgeries, over 80 days in the hospital fighting so hard. Now he’s just gone.

My mother is just crushed. They are high school sweethearts. Together since 1978 and it’s just over. I’m not ready for this, how is it even possible that I will never get to talk to my dad again. Never get to fish or play guitar with him. This is just unreal. All after losing my absolute soul cat of 17 years two weeks ago to the day. I’m so beyond stricken with grief. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I keep literally blacking out and falling over from the pain. Like my heart is just tearing out of my chest.

This is a pain I could never even wish on my worst enemies. I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just can’t even deal.

Please. I posted yesterday about losing my husband who was only 29 years old to a motorcycle wreck. It’s only been 24 hours and I can’t be here anymore. I can’t do it. I cannot live this life without him.

I have been staying with my mom and sister. I got up in the middle of the night and walked 3 miles across town to get to mine and my husband’s home because I made a decision for myself that I was just going to go peacefully and be with him. I need to be with him.

I don’t remember a lot of it, but I work at a police department, and one of my coworkers spotted me while patrolling and called in to the others on duty to stop me. I never made it home. If I could just have made it there, I could have finally been with him.

I’m so sorry for the heavy venting. I just can’t handle this. I’m not strong enough for this. He was my absolute world. He was my everything. We were best friends. We were glued together at the hip. We couldn’t even go get coffee or pick up food for dinner unless we went together. I will never be able to make it without him. It’s only been 24 hours now and this is how I feel and I know it’s only going to get worse.

I lost my brother in April unexpectedly to "natural causes" in his sleep. Losing him has made me realise how fickle life can be and I have so much anxiety going to bed at night thinking what if I don't wake up? I'm struggling to make plans in advance and I suddenly have this dread and realisation that I could also pass away at any moment. Does anyone have any experience with this and some guidance? It's affecting me physically which doesn't help the intrusive thoughts.

Has anyone felt as if they're detached, numb? I have waves of sadness, but I feel like I should be catatonic. He passed in March. I took care of him up until his passing because he had a terminal illness. Even when he took his last breath, I stared at the wall and no tears came out. Maybe I was exhausted, and it didn't really feel real. I didn't cry for another two weeks.

I did a lot of crying while taking care of him though. It's just weird how I didn't when he was "officially" gone.

I'm just trying to relate to how others might have reacted.

My best friend and I were caught in the middle of a shooting last October. Just wrong place wrong time. He lost his life that night and I’ve been so last since. He was everything to me and the guilt of his death weighs on me heavily. He didn’t even want to go out that night and I begged him. I’m drowning in my grief and really have no idea what to do. I know I need therapy but that’s scary. I hate leaving my house, I barely sleep. I’m scared it will kill me one day