I had a falling-out with a senior black belt at my gym after we were messing around during training. He was goofing around with me, controlling my hands and lightly punching/tapping at my face, and I made a comment/joke back that offended him. I wasn’t trying to disrespect him, but he took it badly. I apologized afterward and thought it would blow over, but it kept carrying into the Saturdays after that.
The first Saturday after the argument, he rolled with me way more aggressively than usual. I apologized and tried to de-escalate it, but it felt like he was trying to punish me physically. I tapped a few times and felt like he didn’t immediately honor the taps because he was still focused on getting to a submission. I can’t know exactly what his intent was, but the intensity and emotion felt completely different from how we normally trained before.
The next Saturday, I was rolling with someone else and ended up close to where he was on the mat. When I got near his area, he kicked me. Given the tension between us, I didn’t take that as normal joking or accidental training contact.
The following Saturday, he got another teammate involved and they were both making fun of me in front of people, saying stuff about him being a black belt and how much he was “holding back” on me. The other teammate is a much bigger guy who I already don’t really like rolling with because of the size difference. Even before all of this, he had sometimes guilt-tripped me or publicly called me out when I didn’t want to roll with him, so having the black belt repeatedly pull him into the situation made it feel even more like I was being ganged up on.
That same Saturday, I had brought my gi belt even though we were doing no-gi. The black belt took my belt, loudly told people to watch, and strapped/pressed it across my face. While the belt was across my face, I tapped around 3–4 times before it stopped. He seemed very excited and amused while I was reacting to the discomfort, which made it feel more like public humiliation than normal messing around.
The Saturday after that, he publicly confronted me about something he said two teammates told him I had said about how hard he rolls with me. I honestly don’t remember recently saying it. He got the same big teammate involved again, and it felt like they were taking turns roasting and humiliating me in front of everyone.
And honestly, it hasn’t just been one roll. Pretty much every roll with him since the original disagreement has felt much more aggressive, emotional, and physical than before. He already uses hard elbows, knees, and frames as part of his game, but after the conflict those same things felt way more forceful and personal. There’s also been a lot more shit-talking during the rolls. I can’t say he was intentionally trying to injure me, but it often felt less like normal training and more like he was trying to prove something physically.
I let a lot of it slide because I know BJJ gyms have roasting, ego, hard rounds, roughhousing, etc., and I didn’t want to label every uncomfortable interaction as bullying. But when it keeps happening Saturday after Saturday, with public shaming, repeatedly getting another teammate involved, aggressive rolls, physical incidents, and taps not being immediately respected, it starts feeling like a pattern rather than normal gym beef.
The head coach is also the owner. He was around for some of this and mostly just stood or sat there without saying anything. To be fair, I believe he was away on vacation for two of the Saturdays after the original incident, so he didn’t personally see everything. His wife finally got involved after seeing the latest incident and told me to give her about a week because she wants to make some calls.
I already submitted my membership cancellation, so I’m leaving regardless.
For people who have trained a long time: how bad does this sound on a 1–10 scale? Have you seen teammate conflict drag on for around five Saturdays like this? Does this sound like normal BJJ beef that got out of hand, or more like repeated bullying / a legitimate safety issue? And how much responsibility does the owner/head coach have if he witnesses some of it and doesn’t step in?
