r/limerence • u/ChiefsHat • 1d ago
Here To Vent She blocked me
There's a woman who used to work with me who has become my limerence object. What fueled this was a few interactions we had that she initiated. I'm not entirely used to women I find attractive talking to me, so I barely understood why she was being so nice to me sometimes. It started to really bother me, and one possibility that arose was that maybe she was into me. I guess I hyperfocused on that one, because none of the others really made sense. She's just being nice to me? Please, people aren't nice to me unless they want something. That's what I think anyway. I found these feelings intense and confusing, more so after I found out she's in a happy relationship and they wouldn't leave. Whenever I've had feelings for a woman before, being turned down usually ends whatever attraction I have to them - but for some reason, it stung when I found it, and these feelings persist. I started feeling guilty, thinking I'd crossed a line by asking about her personal life. I still think I did.
I tried adding her on LinkedIn, she accepted, and I asked if we could talk on it more. She's an easy person to talk to, and that's something I really appreciate it. The answer she sent me... started a long spiral of guilt and neediness, desiring her approval. What did she say to me?
That of course we can talk. But it had a few spelling mistakes on it, and well... that, uh... I thought she'd used an AI to write it. That made me get the complete opposite message from it; that she wanted nothing to do with me and I need to leave her alone. Except part of me knew that's not what she meant, but couldn't accept it. The more I learned about her life, the more I began to envy her. She's learning four languages. She's studying in college. She's in a happy relationship. She's not stuck bussing between two cities. She was able to attend her older sister's wedding. She has loving parents. I want that kind of life. I'd give almost anything for it. I still think she's cool and better than me, so I still craved her approval. I've only just now realized it, but I really craved her approval. Not her love; her approval. I did and still do harbor strong feelings for her, but I feel I could live with them going unfulfilled. Not having her approval feels worse than that.
This led to a spiral of me trying to reach out, then feeling guilty and pulling back, thinking I was respecting her boundaries, and sending her a message apologizing. Well... she left one day to study at grad school, and it got really bad. Flash forward to now. She's blocked me on TikTok and Instagram. I'm... feeling guilty about this. I feel like I hurt her. That I really did violate her boundaries and scared her. Now I feel desperate to apologize and make it right.
But I don't know how to go about it.
So... a combination of an intense guilt complex, rejection sensitivity, craving approval, timidity, and anxiety, all mixed together with envy, created this mess. Got no one to blame but myself. I hope she can forgive me one day, if only so she can move on. As for me? I think I still have some lingering feelings for her, but there fading. I still want her approval though.
Funny thing is, what I saw on TikTok helped shatter the illusion I'd been building of her. Not that she's a bad person- far from it- but it helped me realize the person I'd been developing feelings for wasn't her. Kind of wish I could still see it to accelerate that destruction.
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u/Sanasanaculitoderana 1d ago
Limerence really does make us crazy; try to be compassionate about that. Whatever you do, DO NOT REACH OUT TO THIS PERSON. If you truly care about her and yourself, you will leave her alone.
In my 12 step group, we can make amends to ppl we have hurt without contacting them (ie writing letters and burning them). Im certain an internet search would give you many ideas.
Again, the only way to make this right and to stay NO CONTACT.
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u/ChiefsHat 1d ago
I… can’t see that. I don’t know. I guess the way my brain is wired has made me believe I need to make sure the person I hurt knows how sorry I am.
Wanna know something ironic? I now really want to reach out to her boyfriend because I learned he was, uh… he volunteered for a suicide prevention hotline. I… I need to know from… someone like that… I need to know what I could have done differently. I just need to.
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u/EMDepressedFish 1d ago
You don't need to "see it". You just need to listen. Your brain is not everyone's reality- you made her uncomfortable and if you are truly sorry you'd listen to the advice people are giving you and leave her alone to heal.
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u/ChiefsHat 1d ago
That’s the thing, I am truly sorry, but as I said, it’s been drilled over and over into my head that when I do something wrong, I need to apologize to the person so they can hear it and know it. It’s hard to break out of that mindset when it’s been engrained into you.
In this case, I suppose I can make an effort. I did say I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I’ll talk with him then.
You wanna know something else? Talking about this all has actually shifted my feelings on her. A lot more. Just finally putting it out there, acknowledging it for what it is, has helped me change my perspective. I guess repressing it for so long just made it worse.
As for her boyfriend… I don’t know, I know I shouldn’t contact him, but knowing he has a background in suicide prevention, I just need to hear it from him or someone with that background about what I should have done.
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u/No_Veterinarian849 1d ago edited 1d ago
Do not contact her boyfriend. You’re going to get hit with a restraining order if you keep this up. You need to talk with your therapist tomorrow about your need to apologize but please leave both her and her significant other alone.
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u/ChiefsHat 1d ago
It’s not about apologizing to him, alright?! Are people missing that I keep saying that I failed in the worst way possible? That someone is dead because I failed to be there for them? I desperately need to know what I could have done, and he might be able to tell me. I… I need to know how I could have stopped it. If not him, I’m going to find someone else who worked in suicide prevention to talk to and figure out what I should have done.
I guess I should talk with my therapist about it. I just… I really feel like I need to know.
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u/No_Veterinarian849 1d ago edited 1d ago
It should not under any circumstances be her boyfriend that you go to. He probably knows about you and I’m not sure you can restrain yourself enough to stay anonymous. Which would surely result in a restraining order.
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u/EMDepressedFish 1d ago edited 1d ago
Nobody is missing what you are saying, we are responding to what you physically will be doing. It doesn't matter your reasoning. It's not good and you should listen to the advice of everyone. Definitely talk to your therapist instead of traumatizing your LO even more because of your inner monologue. If you need to talk to someone about your struggles around the loss and what happened I would call a hotline or talk to a close friend. Do not reach out to her or her family on any way.
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u/Hardistacks 1d ago
Respectfully, knock it off. Yeah, limerence sucks, but she’s drawn a boundary and you’d be grossly violating it by insisting on “apologizing.” Regardless of how you rationalize it, making another effort at communicating is about your feelings, not hers. You would not be making her feel better, you’d be making her more uncomfortable and probably scared (since you’ve withheld information about what you did that made her block you).
And this crap about contacting her boyfriend? You’re going way beyond limerence and engaging in truly irrational stalking behavior.
Be grateful that she is out of your environment. Leave her alone. Stop looking at her socials. Work on yourself.
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u/ChiefsHat 1d ago
I feel I need to explain something that gives context. It's been drilled into me, repeatedly, that when I do something wrong, I must make amends. That's what I've come to fully believe. To me, the first step is to apologize. Always to apologize. It's to the point I believe not making amends with someone I feel I have wronged is morally wrong and a failing. That, more than anything, is what's driving me to seek to apologize to her. I also view it as unspeakably rude to just cut contact with someone you know completely. There are good friends I have lost contact with that I bitterly regret. I feel I need to make that right.
You are right that I'd probably be making her uncomfortable. Hopefully, I can make sure that takes precedence over my strong feelings of making things right.
But as for her boyfriend... well uh... I know you're right. I truly do. But after what happened, I just... I need to know, from someone who worked in the field, from anyone who worked in the field, what I could have done differently. I just- I need to.
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u/Hardistacks 1d ago
You: “me me me me me me I I I me me”
You’re rationalizing doing something that will make you feel better by making someone else scared. That’s incredibly selfish. Leave the girl alone.
And WTF is this “someone who’s worked in the field” crap? It’s her boyfriend.
Seriously. Seek therapy immediately.
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u/ChiefsHat 1d ago
I do have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I also mentioned that I think I might be able to override my bizarre sense of making amends by putting her comfort first.
And by someone who worked in the field, who has experience, I… it’s… I could have prevented a suicide, and failed. Someone I love died… because of me. Because I wasn’t there when they needed me, because I thought everything was fine even though I knew it wasn’t. I just need to know from someone who’s done suicide prevention what I should have done differently, I need to, I can’t live with this anymore. If not him, I’m going to look for someone else, anyone else, I just need to know.
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u/jennafleur_ 1d ago
As an LO... Don't do this. I just notified the police about the person who was feeling that way about me. It was truly frightening.
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u/ChiefsHat 15h ago
Great, the idea I made her frightened is only feeding my own guilt and need to apologize and punish myself for it. But that would just make things worse. Shit this guilt complex is horrific. It’s the biggest reason I booked a therapy appointment today.
I actually don’t have anymore feelings for her now. I think repressing them is what drove this more than anything. Finally admitting what this was is letting it leave.
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u/Difficult-Field3054 1d ago
You need to be respectful and stop thinking about yourself.
She doesn't want to talk to you. She doesn't give a shit, and won't give you any answers.
She is a person and you're treating her as some puzzle upon your psyche to unpack.
You fumbled. Move on, and get some therapy.
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u/ChiefsHat 15h ago
You’re right. As I have said previously, talking about this is actually helping to erase my limerence for her. It’s weird, but a little cathartic.
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u/Difficult-Field3054 14h ago
That's wonderful to hear.
I really identify with the jungian/origin story approach to attraction and infatuation.
It really has little to do with the other person when it's one sided. It's different when it's mutual and develops and you end up on different pages...
It has sometimes to do with childhood trauma or neglect, sometimes OCD or a brain processing disorder like ADHD or AuADHD can cause self reinforced thought loops.
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u/ChiefsHat 13h ago
Just did a good therapy session about it. We went over everything and why I ended up feeling this way. Best course of action moving forward is to just cut contact.
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u/HunterOk6141 1d ago
Understand that your reason for reaching out is completely self serving and inconsiderate to those people. It's selfish and not right.
People have a right to withdraw contact from you and it's not your right to bypass that decision and reach out to the people around them.
Regardless of what situation you are dealing w about another suicidal person - you have to realize this is another selfish excuse you are utilizing to make you feel better about being selfish and reaching out to anyone around the other person so you get your "chance to apologize " all the while further disrespecting this person's boundaries.
If this person ever unblocks you in the future or reaches out - sure send out an brief apology completely absent of any self pity/loathing you may have about the situation.
I have been in situations like this and the other person reaching out to people around me was a huge violation of boundaries no matter the circumstance.
Leave them both alone for thier sake and quit prioritizing your sake. No one cares if you feel bad you didn't get to apologize. If she blocked u that's it - it's final. Respect it or you don't respect her as a person.
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u/ChiefsHat 17h ago
You’re right about everything.
I just… have a new problem now. A need to find out what I might have done differently to save someone’s life. Now I’m going to be constantly on the lookout for someone who can tell me. Again, I just… want to know.
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u/ChiefsHat 15h ago
Okay, actually, this is going to sound weird, but something I want to explain is that I feel contacting them to apologize would be putting their sake before my own. I know there could be consequences, and feel like I deserve them, that being hit with them would make them feel better.
Oh hell. I really need to talk with my therapist now.
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u/TeacherExit 15h ago
You need to be arrested for stalking.
0
u/ChiefsHat 15h ago
I want to say you’re right, but that’d just be the guilt complex talking. I’ve actually started blocking her on social media platforms now. Feel bad about it but I think it’s for the best. Trying to limit contact with her.
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u/Meredith_Amos 1d ago
The best thing to do is simple : leave her alone. She or her boyfriend will probably call the police if you try to stalk them. She’s been clear she doesn’t want you in her life so move on. It’s hard to hear but it’s the truth. You have a life to live so focus on yourself, you’re well being and one day you will find real love.
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u/Miserable_Taro_9318 1d ago
What did you say to her?
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u/ChiefsHat 17h ago edited 15h ago
Many long winded apologies saying I know she doesn’t like me, that I understand, and will leave her alone. Then I’d delete those, because I felt it was a violation of her privacy. Then I’d feel guilty and realize I did need to apologize all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I actually felt guilty having feelings for her. That was driving it more than anything.
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