r/nottheonion • u/Acceptable_Staff • Jul 28 '25

Sex offender arrested after sniffing woman’s buttocks at store, police say

https://www.kptv.com/2025/07/28/sex-offender-arrested-after-sniffing-womans-buttocks-store-police-say/
478 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

82 comments sorted by

113

u/5050Clown Jul 28 '25

What a day to be literate

5

u/Flipppyy Jul 29 '25

Yeah... yeah..

7

u/CheckYourStats Jul 29 '25

But he looks like such a nice guy……

10

u/Flipppyy Jul 29 '25

He's got them shrek ogre ears lol

2

u/MaddoxX_1996 Jul 29 '25

This one is tame. "Sex offender arrested for an alleged sexual offence." is not a very out-of-the-world news.

2

u/5050Clown Jul 29 '25

It's the butt sniffing.

51

u/heedongq Jul 28 '25

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08bCU-ErZmI
He's a serial butt sniffer

5

u/De_Oscillator Jul 30 '25

There's obviously something innately fucked with this guy, either he can't process punishment or his will to sniff sniff one somehow overrides everything else.

Something isn't clicking, and even the woman says he probably needs rehabilitative punishment, because just locking him up isn't teaching him anything. I don't think just putting him in prison and letting him out is the answer to fix the problem.

I know some idiot is going to respond with "DURR PUT A BULLET IN HIM THAT'LL FIX HIM" please save me the fucking IQ points and don't respond with something like that. Killing poeple over stupid shit like this is not the solution.

4

u/BildoWarrior Jul 28 '25

He sniffed Snap, Crackle, and Pop?

2

u/VirtuallyTellurian Jul 30 '25

He might be more into crap, snackle, and PAP

17

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '25

I’m sending my MIL in undercover. This walking gas machine will bring him to his knees.

68

u/[deleted] Jul 28 '25

Wonder why this sex offender was so easily arrested compared to, say, any of the many republican politicians.

-73

u/thoughtclimax Jul 28 '25

Give it a rest everything doesn't need to be tied back to politics jesus

24

u/Risin Jul 29 '25

You're in not the onion. This sub is literally  85% politics lmao

23

u/Putrefied_Goblin Jul 29 '25

Trump is a pedophile, historically Republicans get arrested for abusing children more. Republicans are protecting their pedo president.

42

u/Putrefied_Goblin Jul 28 '25

My dog did this to a woman at the dog park. My dog and I are lucky she didn't press charges.

For real, though, lock this guy in a fart room and don't let him out until he has a conditioned fear response to going near butts.

37

u/5050Clown Jul 28 '25

Based on his current activity, I think he's going to enjoy that.

1

u/Putrefied_Goblin Jul 29 '25

He won't after years of non-stop intense acrid farts.

12

u/pezcore350 Jul 29 '25 edited Jul 29 '25

Oh you want to try cigarettes huh kid? Here, smoke this whole pack!

2

u/Existing-Victory3994 Jul 29 '25

lol definitely a HOLE pack!

1

u/pezcore350 Jul 29 '25

Man I been making crazy spelling mistakes lately! 🤦🏻‍♂️

2

u/Existing-Victory3994 Jul 29 '25

I was thinking you were making a pun! Because he is a butt sniffer! Roll with it! 😀

6

u/weirdgroovynerd Jul 28 '25

Put him in one of those inflatable costumes, and fart into the air intake.

Taps own temple smugly

2

u/Putrefied_Goblin Jul 29 '25

Good idea, save money on farts

2

u/Sburban_Player Jul 29 '25

I think Stanley Kubrick made a movie about that

7

u/After_Dirt_513 Jul 28 '25

He’s a reincarnated scent hound

24

u/JackBeefus Jul 28 '25

His ears look like weird mushrooms.

27

u/[deleted] Jul 28 '25

He has the shrek ears

5

u/milk4all Jul 28 '25

Shreks ears look like weird mushrooms

2

u/babypho Jul 28 '25

Ogres are like onions

6

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '25

Oh, we arresting sex offenders again? Cool, cool, cool, cool. There’s a list of the most vile. Let’s start with them?

3

u/MaddoxX_1996 Jul 29 '25

MF out here, build like a Boy of Silence

6

u/oIIIIIIlo Jul 28 '25

I would imagine that since he's doing that in the middle of the summer, he must be looking for musty and ripe.

6

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '25

Right. Why go through all that trouble, if it smells like roses?

6

u/Rasnark Jul 29 '25

Surprisingly he didn’t flap his ears and fly away

7

u/LouBarlowsDisease Jul 28 '25

Dude has some alien ears

4

u/weirdgroovynerd Jul 28 '25

Thank you to all the people who helped to..

...crack this case!

2

u/wizardrous Jul 28 '25

Did he try to argue in court that it’s a normal greeting for wood elves?

4

u/Vansiff Jul 29 '25

Repost again?

I guess I'll repost too.

This dudes ears so big he uses echo location to locate booty based on the claps as they walk.

1

u/Discombobulated1977 Jul 28 '25

What if dude is half dog? Fine then?

1

u/Fit-Contract6162 Jul 28 '25

K-9 Officer said they lacked Reasonable Suspicion or Probable Cause... as he joined in.

1

u/StaxShack Jul 29 '25

What the fuck? Lock this literal golden retriever up.

1

u/Savings-Toe-2310 Jul 29 '25

He gave into those dark thoughts.

One less predator to worry about.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '25

If you showed me this guys picture and said he was the 2008 NBA 6th man of the year, I’d believe you.

1

u/Capraccino Jul 29 '25

idk what is worse, non-consensual butt sniffing, or Shrek (pbuh) doing black face?

1

u/FirstClassUpgrade Jul 29 '25

Because … California.

1

u/IceCoughy Jul 29 '25

I'm innocent I tell you!

2

u/DrSeussFreak Jul 29 '25

And she needs more fiber in her diet

1

u/MaoTseTrump Jul 29 '25

When one sense is weak, the other ones get bigger. Imagine how he has gone through life never feeling any sensation on his skin whatsover, and to have never tasted food.

1

u/KariKHat Jul 29 '25

My husband came home from visiting his friend who has an engine shop out in the San Fernando valley and all the friend could talk about was the “Burbank Butt Sniffer”.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '25

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1

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1

u/Tha_Watcher Jul 29 '25

Those ears are like handlebars!

1

u/CarFreak777 Jul 29 '25

Now he's required to do the Sex Offender Shuffle.

1

u/STARSBarry Jul 29 '25

He looks like a combination of Laurence Fishburne and Shrek

1

u/PhotoBN1 Jul 29 '25

There was a "little person" who was doing this too. Makes me on edge whenever I bend over in a supermarket lol

1

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '25

Police Detective: How deep does the rabbit hole go? This case stinks!

1

u/Economy_Mousse7941 Jul 29 '25

Why does he have shrek ears?

1

u/MrYummy05 Jul 29 '25

Soon to be member of Trump’s cabinet

1

u/TsT2244 Jul 30 '25

Not the first second third or fourth time he’s been arrested for this

1

u/HeightAlarming4259 Jul 30 '25

Did they grab him by the ears?

1

u/[deleted] Dec 15 '25

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1

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1

u/papawam Jul 28 '25

Does the police report say how her butt smelled? Asking for a friend.

0

u/EntireDevelopment413 Jul 28 '25

Doesn't California have hospitals for people like this, this isn't his first time doing this.

0

u/shroomigator Jul 28 '25

I feel like this guy's story could be a blockbuster broadway musical