r/nudism • u/Dismal_Bet_1545 • 2d ago
DISCUSSION Conflicted
I honestly didn't know if I was gonna post this, or if it belongs here. But this is something that's been on my mind for a while. It's probably gonna be long, or maybe it'll be shorter than I thought.
I've been sort of an on and off nudist since late 2023ish. I was semiactive on here (under a different username) and other nudist subreddits, joined a discord server, and tried to spend as much time as I could embracing that side of me. Come late 2024, I met my girlfriend. I should also mention that we're both currently in college and are in a long distance relationship.
When we first started dating, I told her that I was a nudist. At the time she didn't seem to mind that much. Granted, she seemed to be under the impression that I only did it on my own, which was technically true; any social nudism I did do was strictly online. Later on, I told her that I had an online friend who was also a nudist. Aside from some small questioning about how we met, she didn't seem to mind this that much.
Then about a month before my birthday, this friend offered to let me join them and some others on a trip to a beach over labor day weekend. I said I would love to, and I would tell my gf about it. Unfortunately, I procrastinated out of fear of how she would react. After she returned home from a trip to see me on my birthday and the day before I returned to school for my junior year, I told her about the trip. She got upset that I didn't tell her that I wanted to go, and she essentially told me that she didn't want me to do it. I got upset, and to be fair was kind of mean to her about it which is something I still regret deeply. We were able to reconcile and she said that after some time she might be more open to me doing some trip like that at some point.
At some point later, she told me that she watched a video about a young woman who was raised by "nudists" (I put that in quotes because they were clearly predatory and unsafe people) and who had some bad experiences at a nudist resort. When she told me about this, she said that she would never go to a place like that because they have kids there. And while I don't remember her saying outright, I got the sense she doesn't want me going to any resorts either. I tried to explain that most resorts have very strict policies regarding inappropriate behavior and make their guests pass background checks before they can go, but she stood her ground on her stance.
During this time, I left the discord server I was part of, and tried to put my nudist side behind me. Earlier this summer, I briefly joined another server, who consisted of some of my friends I had before. Around this time, I told her I might want to return to discord since I missed the people I was friends with through it. She dismissed it outright. She had heard some horror stories surrounding discord (which to be fair did sound horrible) and didn't want me to risk that. She also brought up how the fight we had had almost a year prior left a deep wound on us, especially her and it almost destroyed our relationship. She also brought up her disgust at the idea of nudist resorts that allow children. After that, I dropped the issue and both left the server and deleted my discord account.
It's been almost 3 months since this most recent incident, and I still think about it from time to time. I miss the friends that I met and really enjoyed talking to. At the same time I feel guilty about it because I didn't want to sacrifice my relationship for friendships with people I hadn't, and probably would never, met in person.
I need to clarify that I really love my girlfriend and there are lots of other things that we have in common outside of this. Before, I thought I could both have a relationship with her and embrace my nudist side. But now it's become clear to me that I have to prioritize her. I should also mention that she's gone through some fairly serious and traumatic experiences that I won't share here for the sake of her privacy. I want to be careful with how I approach those things moving forward because I dropped the ball on it so hard during our first fight I mentioned above. I don't want to leave her by any means, out of fear I'll be leaving her in a really bad position (without going into too much detail, her home life isn't the best and I'm basically her only relief from the stuff she goes through). I've also told her many times how much I love her and that I won't leave and I would hate myself forever if I did that to her.
I try not to think about this as I know it would ruin our relationship even more. I know I can't talk to her more about this, because we'll come right back to the fights that almost ruined our relationship.
TLDR: I feel like I have to give up on nudism because me and my gf got into disagreements over it that almost ruined our relationship.
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u/ejp1082 Geriatric Millennial 1d ago
I feel like I have to give up on nudism because me and my gf got into disagreements over it that almost ruined our relationship.
This might very well be a dealbreaker. She sounds like she's made her position pretty clear. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who engages in social nudity. That's a valid boundary on her part.
The question for you is if you want to be in a relationship with someone who has that boundary. If you can abide by it, that's all well and good. Just respect her boundary.
If it's more of a need or must-have and something critical to your happiness and well-being such that you'll be deeply unhappy without - well then, you're only left with the option of parting ways as amicably as you can so you're both free to find people you're more compatible with.
Although that said -
I know I can't talk to her more about this, because we'll come right back to the fights that almost ruined our relationship.
That is not good communication or a healthy relationship. One of you isn't listening to the other on this topic.
In light of that I would strongly suggest seeking out relationship counseling so you can each learn to express your needs without fighting.
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u/Magic-Mellow1987 1d ago edited 1d ago
She took a few bad situations and is now basically using that to paint a picture on all of nudism. She might as well say that we should never go to church or to a school because some priest or teacher inappropriately touched a kid so we must never go to any church’s and schools again. If she doesn’t want to go to a nudist thing ever, that’s fine. But you have to decide if it’s worth you never going again to satisfy her.
You have to do what’s best for you. But if I were in your shoes, it sounds like awful for a relationship. It’s one thing to set boundaries, but it’s another thing to shun out someone you are for someone else.
I’ve had the relationship before where my gf knew I was a nudist and she tried to label me as going to nudist resorts and beaches as some sort of perverted orgy fest and tried to ban me from ever going. She is now my ex. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to be with someone. I’m not saying I need to be naked 24/7, but I am a nudist and it’s something that I love about myself, and a big part of my life and I’m not changing that for anyone else. Anybody I date, I let it known early that this is a part of me. But it’s not just the nudism, it’s anything that I like and enjoy like hiking, fishing, etc. Saying that she isn’t cool with nudism just evolves into her discouraging you from other things that you like but that she doesn’t; it creates a slippery slope. But like I said, you have to do what’s best for you. If she is more important than being a nudist, you have your answer.
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u/Eastern-Eye5945 18h ago
People tend to generalize specific events when it fits their preexisting worldview. The OP indicated that she was already hot and cold about nudism when they met, and she was basically looking for any “evidence” to confirm her biases.
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u/FLedun TNSF TCN Beach Goer 1d ago
You have to do what makes you happy, if that is your girlfriend, then you know the answer already. On the other hand, I don't know you or your girlfriend, but it seems to me that this is just one problem and indication of other things going on in this relationship. What happens if you break up after a year? Are you going to be ok that you missed that year of Nudism in your life? Only you can decide what you want to do. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
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u/CleanEnd5930 Social Nudist 1d ago
Some good advice here already. I would just caution that there are plenty of posts here from people frustrated at not being able to be their true selves, hiding their nudist activities or seeking ways to persuade their partner to be open to it.
Today you might be fine putting that part of you in a box, but in 10, 20, 30 years time will you feel the same? Maybe. But you are already finding it hard enough that you have posted looking for advice.
There might be a compromise of sorts, such as saying that if she spends the day at a nudist resort to see what it’s actually like, if she still feels that way then you’ll consider dropping it. But that does risk her feeling forced into trying it. Or she might just go having already made her mind up so she gets her way. You know her better than us on these points.
Good luck with whatever you decide mate
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u/Magic-Mellow1987 1d ago
Yep. That’s the consensus I get too. Especially when he said he missed his friends. You don’t want to completely miss out on something because of one person and regret it 30 years from now. It’s never good to live a life of regret.
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u/lesserbessser 1d ago
You need to be you. If others can’t or won’t accept that, you can change who you are or change who you have around you.
To me nudism is a powerful thing, I’m grateful for an accepting partner. I’m not sharing nudism with my kids (adults at home) and am currently willing to work around that.
This may not be the person for you if they’re pushing you to give up part of yourself to be with them. It’s not black and white, but there’s a flag and it’s certainly red.
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u/Effective-Donkey133 AANR 1d ago
Don’t change who you are to please anybody. This is part of you - if someone has a problem with that it’s their problem- not yours. Since you are in college I’m assuming you are relatively young - far too young to compromise something important to you to please someone else.
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u/atlwake43 1d ago
Love is kind.
Clearly you are being kind to her in situation of need right now (some say too kind). You have to ask yourself is she being kind to your strong interests. There is clearly education that has to happen to understand what nudism/naturism is, and what it isn’t. Learners need to be genuinely curious, not dismissive (i.e. looking for evidence that supports their base position- which is so easy to find on this subject). Tell her to be kind and lean into the sides of it that you do. She doesn’t have to become one, but dismissing something that you are passionate on is dismissing a part of you.
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u/sop7718 1d ago
A lot of good advice here and I agree with most, if not all, of it. I see two issues here but the flashing red flag for me is the communication issue. That is so core to a successful, healthy relationship that I really feel you need to look at that, nudism aside.
My story has some similarities. My wife's history makes her extremely uncomfortable with the idea of social nudity when kids are around. The difference is that we've talked at great lengths about her feelings and where they come from. I don't agree with her position and have visited family-oriented resorts in the past with exes. But I also understand that is where her head is at the moment. I can resist, I can argue, I can "stand up for myself" and insist, I can ignore this is a huge part of who I am, or we can work together to find a compromise that let's us be nudists in a way we are both comfortable with. And that's exactly what we've done.
Today we are naked as much of the time at home as we can be. And while we don't promote it within our family, we both are comfortable being naked in our home when our adult kids or my brother- and sister-in-law stay with us. We go to nude beaches but avoid the ones popular with families. The resorts and AirBnBs we've gone to have been adult-only.
Have we stopped discussing it and working thru her issues to maintain a good balance with what I'd like? No, those conversation still go on. In fact, we were just looking into nude cruises and charters when she asked if they were adult-only or not so we discussed it again and adjusted our research accordingly.
So my message is to focus on the communication gap. If you can't get over that, any future you may have will be tumultuous to say the least. If you can find a way to talk open and honestly about it, be vulnerable and open to compromise. The statement that finally got my wife to open herself up was simply explaining why being a nudist meant so much to me and how much I wanted her to be a part of that part of me and my life. But my willingness to respect her feelings and meet her in the middle is why we already have a trip planned to visit a nude beach together again in the not-to-distant future.
I love being a nudist and absolutely adore my wife. I do not want to give up either. And, fortunately, because we are able to communicate, I don't have to.
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u/jetwildcat 1d ago
My advice would be to put nudism on the back burner and have it as something to work out if you’re still together in a few years, basically if you’re going to get married.
Even if you end up moving past nudism, this seems like a heavy enough issue for her that you may need to show how there’s nothing deviant about it.
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u/ljkthf 1d ago
Man, as the other commenter said, don’t let her manipulate you like that.
In the recent past, I was heavily involved with a girl that I loved. She did not love me back. She did however have a personality disorder and used me as an emotional punching bag that lead to this “maybe she does maybe she doesn’t” situation. I can tell you right now, that while your gf might not have a personality disorder, she is trying to gaslight you and control you. For example, you know the benefits of nudism and you had friends that you WERE going to meet despite you saying later that you probably wouldn’t ever meet them. It wasn’t until she saw a video(which I think I know which one it is and it was talked about on here) and read something about “the dangers of discord” that you changed your mind about it. Come on dude… YOU need to stand your ground. You know that there are perfectly safe resorts and YOU know that there was nothing wrong with your Discord groups. YOU are the one that’s done extensive research on this.
Now to that last part, that statement is a very big red flag, man. You cannot allow yourself in any relationship, to think that you have to stay for someone else’s benefit; out of fear that you’ll be leaving her in a bad position. That was a mistake that I made with that girl. That is emotional abuse 101. She’s probably aware that you won’t leave and she’s going to use that to her advantage. It does not matter if you dropped the ball before, you need to, again, stand your ground and live your life how you want to. Let go of that guilt.
You need to ask yourself the pros and cons of this relationship. You need to ask yourself if you love living as a nudist and if you want to explore it more and reconnect with those friends. If you love the nudist life then you SHOW her the benefits, don’t let her show you the downsides from some quick google search or a onetime event that she saw scrolling through Facebook. She can choose whether or not she wants to join, not whether or not she’ll allow you to participate.