r/okbuddycinephile • u/J_Hook89 DonCheadleAMA • 3h ago
PUBLIC HEALTH NOTICE: CINEPHILIA
An important message regarding the emerging global health crisis
Over the last two years the World Health Organisation has noticed a significant increase in reported cases of cinephilia, a debilitating condition affecting individuals with an excessive and unhealthy fixation on motion pictures. While the condition has historically been dismissed as a harmless enthusiasm for cinema, recent investigations have confirmed that cinephilia is, in fact, a serious mental disorder capable of profoundly affecting both the afflicted individual and everyone unfortunate enough to be within conversational distance of them.
The name itself should have been the first warning. Cinephilia. We have been asking ourselves for years why anyone would voluntarily describe their relationship with movies in such terms. The answer, as it turns out, is quite troubling.
Our research has also established that the condition originated in France. This should perhaps come as no surprise. The French have historically demonstrated an unusual willingness to turn perfectly ordinary activities into elaborate philosophical exercises. Where a healthy person might say, “That was a good movie,” the cinephile will instead spend forty-five minutes explaining how the director's use of negative space represents the alienation of post-war European society. The disease spread from there.
We must be honest with the public. There is currently no known cure for cinephilia. Once the condition has progressed to the point where an individual voluntarily purchases a Criterion Collection release of a movie they have never watched, recovery becomes particularly difficult.
However, there is hope. The WHO is currently offering support and behavioural management programmes designed to help those afflicted regain control over their lives. Treatment focuses on moderation. In severe cases, patients may even be encouraged to say: “I didn't really like it.” This can be frightening at first. But recovery is possible.
If you believe that you or someone you know may be suffering from cinephilia, please do not panic. There is no shame in seeking help. The condition is manageable, and with appropriate support, patients can return to productive lives. Friends and family are encouraged to remain patient. Do not challenge a cinephile directly.
The World Health Organisation remains committed to supporting individuals affected by this condition and reducing the burden cinephilia places upon families, workplaces and unsuspecting members of the public.
There may be no cure. But there is treatment. And there is hope.
3
2
u/ArticusFarticus 1h ago
How can you even fuck a film anymore?
I get when they were on reels. There was a hole.
But do you screw the hard drive? Do you stick it on a flash drive and shove it up your butt?
6
u/seven_corpse_dinner 3h ago
I don't have a problem! I can quit anytime I want, I just don't want to.
Proceeds to snort a massive line of crushed up Akira Kurosawa blu-rays