I'm rewatching OITNB for the first time since it originally aired. I stopped somewhere around season 4 or 5, and holy shit am I seeing a lot of this differently at 40 than I did at 27.
One of the biggest differences is how I see the COs. After my first watch, I got heavily involved in public sector union work and met and organized alongside a bunch of actual correctional officers (in Canada where all of our prisons are public... for now).
That absolutely did NOT convince me that COs are secretly the good guys. If anything, I came away more convinced of how profoundly fucked up our prison system is, and I definitely met people who should never have had that kind of power over other human beings.
But I also met a lot of completely ordinary, decent people trying to provide for their families while working a job that exposed them to an incredible amount of stress, violence and vicarious trauma. I saw what that did to people.
Meanwhile, I spent my own career in a completely different part of the public service, in a job that was supposedly about helping vulnerable people. In reality, I was an agent of a dystopian bureaucracy that often made actually helping anyone incredibly difficult. It's obviously not the same as being a CO, but I understand now what spending years working inside a fucked up institution can do to you. And how the people you're supposed to help can somehow become the people you're irritated at for needing help.
Then tonight I got to Susan Fischer's introduction and... fuck.
When I started my career, I was Fischer. I cared SO MUCH. I thought if I treated people like human beings, advocated where I could and did my job well, I could make a shitty system a little less shitty for the people stuck dealing with it.
I've been on sick leave for a bit now, and some part of me has still been thinking "well, maybe I could eventually go back."
But fuck... I'm Healy now. Not the racism, sexism or homophobia, I promise. But the bitterness? Cynicism? Compassion fatigue? Being irritated by people for needing the help that it is literally your job to provide? Yeah.
I can't go back.
Some part of me keeps thinking quitting will mean I failed. But watching this tonight I'm suddenly thinking "are you crazy? Going back would be the failure!"
It would be the wrong thing for me, but also the wrong thing for the people I'm supposed to help. If I'm so burned out that I'm unintentionally hurting people instead of helping them, I need to remember why I cared so fucking much in the first place and get out.
The plan was just to rewatch a fun Netflix show from my 20s. Now Susan fucking Fischer just convinced me to quit my career.
Anyway. That's my Saturday night. How's everyone else doing?