will things get better?

[u/Inevitable_Bowl1347]

I’m deep in the newborn trenches and was recently diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety. I’ve started medication, and I’m writing this because I desperately need to hear that things will get better. I delivered my twins at 32 weeks after a very complicated pregnancy and severe preeclampsia. We’ve had a month-plus NICU stay. One baby is now home, while the other is still in the NICU working on feeding. We’re hopeful he’ll come home soon, but having one baby at home and another in the hospital has been incredibly difficult. My husband works away from home, and even when he is here, his job takes up most of his day- unfortunately we own our business and one of us has to work. He also cannot safely manage nighttime care, I’ve seen him fall asleep while feeding the baby or while holding him on his chest, so the nights fall entirely on me. Neither of us has family nearby who can help. I’ve hired a night nurse for the weekdays, which I’m grateful for, but I’m still alone with the baby during the day and often on weekends. I feel like I have no village. I’m already struggling with one baby at home, and I’m terrified about what will happen when both babies are here. How will I manage two when caring for one is already kicking my ass? He's a good baby, but with all the newborn noises/wails, I can't even get a shut eye.

I’m also not working right now, and the expenses keep piling up. If I’m completely honest, I’m feeling an immense amount of regret. I had a good life before this. I truly thought I wanted to be a mother, but somehow I ended up with twins, a traumatic pregnancy and delivery, a NICU experience, and far less support than I ever imagined. Right now, I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I haven't even left the house with him yet. And we live in NYC, so I'm not even sure how I'll get the courage to take an uber to his appointments with our carseats and other equipment. Our apartment is a cluttered mess and I feel like I'm suffocating. Please be kind. I’m really struggling and hoping someone who has been through something similar can reassure me that there is light ahead.

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[u/MangoSorbet695]

Congrats on the birth of your babies. Sorry you’re in the thick of it right now.

I also had preeclampsia and delivered early (33 weeks). Baby B did 2 weeks NICU and baby A did 6 weeks in the NICU.

Let me start by telling you that the absolute hardest days of my entire life, my entire life, were those four weeks when I had one baby at home and one in the NICU. It’s nearly impossible to recover from pregnancy and childbirth while taking care of one baby at home and trying to visit the other in the NICU. It’s just logistically and emotionally exhausting.

So, the good news is, once you get both babies home, things start getting better day by day. It’s still hard with the sleep and feeding two babies at the same time, but it sure beats the situation of one at home and one in the NICU.

I will take you at your word that husband can’t help with nights. Good for you for hiring the night nurse. I did the same and it was a huge help. But if your husband isn’t helping with nights, I hope you have a plan for him to take some off your plate during the day - dishes, laundry, washing bottles, taking the trash out, etc. Please have him doing as much as he can during breaks from work to set you up for success.

My husband works 11 hours per day out of the house. But before the babies were sleeping through the night, he would always unload the dishwasher before leaving for the day, and he would cook dinner when he got home at night.

I’m sitting here feeding my 7 month old twins. They are happy as can be. They just woke up from a 60 minute nap. They share a room and take naps on the same schedule. I got to sip my coffee and watch a movie while they napped. They both sleep at least an 8 hour stretch at night.

Yes - things get so so much better than where you are right now! Please just hang on, because 6 months from now, you’ll be enjoying baby snuggles and laughs and marveling at your babies starting to roll over and crawl.

[u/hRutherford]

I also felt so much regret, anxiety, and intense sadness early on with my twins. They are 12 weeks actual now (7 weeks adjusted) and like everyone told me it would, things have gotten so much more manageable. Just yesterday I told my husband how I finally appreciate that there's two of them because when I ogle over one's cuteness, I realize I have another who's just as cute. Before this and still now at times, I wished I only had one. I would fantasize what a life with one would be like, how much easier it would be. It's a possibility I had to mourn.

Can you and your husband figure out a shift schedule that helps him stay alert? My husband also gets super drowsy so he sleeps first and wakes up for the early morning shift. I get that your husband is working full time, but so will I again in a month and we still plan to continue our shifts, except I'll be awake first then go to sleep before work.

My husband and I also don't have a village. We can't afford childcare. My husband had to quit his job to be a stay at home dad full time because his salary couldn't cover the cost of two. It feels so isolating at times and I remember thinking everyone had no clue what they were talking about when they said there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But there really is..it may be so hard to believe in or see right now, but I promise you there is a glimmer of relief and hope someday soon. When they start smiling at you, when their chunky rolls start coming in, when they stare at you, when you've found a routine that works. It'll come.

Wishing you the best of luck. You got this!!!

[u/VivianDiane]

There is light ahead. You are in survival mode. This is temporary.

[u/MammothTea1478]

This is NOT your new forever. This is a phase, and before you know it, it’s going to be a memory of a dark time. Just hang on, friend! It’s going to get so much better 🙏🏼💕

[u/YouthInternational14]

It gets better. Try to take it one hour at a time. You will find the courage, because you have to, and you'll surprise yourself with how much your capacity expands. It's very hard, and you're doing amazing.

[u/Fragrant-Life-4173]

My experience was very different from yours but I did struggle a lot when my babies were born. I had to start taking medication because I got PPD/PPA.

The first month was seriously awful, even with having my husband on paternity leave and my mom staying with us. I cried all the time and didn’t even want to handle my own children most days. I will say, for me, the medication and getting more sleep definitely helped. Also when they started interacting with us instead of just being angry screaming potatoes. That was a big shift for me. I believe it was around 7-8 weeks. Then there was a good month there until the 4 month sleep regression hit. I won’t lie, that totally kicked my ass and I went back to crying and feeling overwhelmed. Unfortunately ours lasted pretty long.

However, once that passed, it has been so wonderful. My boys smile and coo and laugh with us all the time. They’re just so sweet and funny and it finally feels like such a blessing. I feel like the more you start getting something back from them the more it feels like things are getting better. I worked with children for 15 years before this and I swear this has been the most humbling experience for me, but it does get better! And I know there will be other periods of time that are hard, of course, but there really is nothing like loving these littles and feeling them love you right back. Just hold on and really try to get as much rest as you can, cause that definitely makes a huge difference!

[u/gabkatth]

You are at the hardest point! Solidarity! Having one baby in the NICU is prob worse than two at home.. try to give yourself grace the next two months. It will be immensely hard. I am at 7-8 weeks now and just started to get better. They have woken up, smiling and not fussy messes. It is so hard those first 6-8 weeks ( adjusted). Before they hit their due date and a bit after, enjoy it as they will be sleepy. There is frequent feeding but they are fairly chill. At around 2 weeks to 6-7 ish is when it got a harder for me. Yes I has times when I cried in the bathroom, screamed at my husband etc. it is pure survival. That is how you should approach those weeks. Focus only on feeding them, yourself, drink water and get as much sleep as you are able to. I am a control freak and it was hard to let go on that around the house.

There are practical ways to help make it easier. Order groceries, better yet just order food. Most days I was too tired or overstimulated to cut up some strawberries. Just order the prepared meals or tv dinners you can put into the microwave.

Breastfeeding is a personal decision I really wanted to but I am sooo glad I stopped. I would have lost it, so don’t feel bad one bit if you decide to not even try. Twins are a different ball game.

And remember, survival survival survival. Take it one single day at a time. And remember, it won’t stay the same always even though it seems like it will.

[u/gabkatth → u/gabkatth]

Oh and prepare formula ahead of time in a pitcher. We also had a fridge in the bedroom to have the bottles in there so I can just grab at night. At night I start with one baby, get a bit of feed, then start the other and burp the first one while the second baby is eating. Then continue feeding the first and same thing second. You will have to figure out systems that work for you and save time. Feeding them
One by one took an insane amount of time. So that was a no for me.