Help

[u/Yuriz_666]

I (17F) recently was face with an uncomfortable true about myself. And it all started last week.

I‘m on my last year of high school my school is a middle and high school so since I was moved there on 7th grade, I kind of had the same friend group. Those people were already used to my personality so I’ve never thought about too much about it. Until new people started joining the friend group and started cracking innocent jokes about how calm and unreactive I was.

Look. I’ve always knew I was a performer. I know how to be the most charismatic person in the room, I know how to convince anyone of anything. I know I can get out of situations just with my words. I know I look a certain way and it helps me to get out of situations.

Anyways. Since I was a kid I knew that I had to behave a certain way around adults and older people in general, like an little angel, so I could get them to like me. I’ve always liked playing the perfect girl. But with my fellow peers I was an…cruel kid.

I used to mentally torture my little brother (Now 16M). I would grab him by the hair and threatened to stop speaking to him. I used to foment bullying against some of my classmates in my first school while not being blamed because I’ve never engaged in the bullying because I knew that if I did so the image that the adults had of me would change and I liked the thought of being constantly protected and never blamed for anything.

I used to rule that school. I was charismatic, an natural born leader, could convince anyone of anything and I’ve been always been an pathological liar, while being an complete angel.

And then the pandemic happened. I used to refer as a the pandemic as the “best period of my life” because I got to stay home and to do everything I wanted. I didn’t felt guilt of distress over the fact that thousands of people where dying. My dad grab my brother and they went on the farm while my mom stayed behind and I did with her.

My mom got covid and was stuck on the bedroom for days. She says that she thought she was going to die and I didn’t gave a shit. I didn’t felt anything

And, for a long time I thought that people also felt the same lack of feelings as I did.

I only recently found out that the feelings of missing, longing, and how you feel bad for an tragedy that didn’t happen to you, actually existed and weren’t just figures of speech. 

The way I feel certain things like fear and anxiety is also different.
My fear is often related to things I cannot control, and it’s not fear it’s more…like you are bother by the situation because you cannot control it. For a long time I thought I had a dog phobia because I only acted like that way with dogs, what I didn’t knew and only recently I realized is that I don’t feel fear I jut felt that sensation that the best I can describe is of anxiety because it was an unpredictable situation, and I only reacted to those feelings because I knew people reacted to it. But I didn’t knew that reaction was completely instinctive and not voluntary.
My anxiety and guilt is also related to the consequences not the action itself. I won’t feel anxiety because I did something wrong but I will feel it because I don’t want people to found out I did that and their image of me be damaged or because I simply don’t wanna face the consequences so I lie, I manipulate I gaslight the hell out of people. 

Also, I didn’t knew “Love” was a real thing. Like. I thought it was just, again, a figure of speech. I didn’t knew people actually felt different towards some people than others. I feel the same way towards my parents that I feel towards my friends or a stranger. I want their approval, I need them to trust me, But I don’t particular care for them. 

I also had a best friend that I pretty much design her to be my ideal friend when she was emotionally vulnerable and now, that she started becoming annoying I’m seriously considering just discarding her.

I also often feel people like their objects. Like. Logically, I know they are people but I still don’t feel like they are. Like they are a bunch of NPCS  to me.

Not to mention I don’t feel particularly passionate about anything. What I want is money is success but I don’t compromise with anything. I‘m diagnosed with autism and ADHD and an IQ of 139 (probably more because I was tested when I was 11) so all of my life I’ve been good at everything I tried. Piano, singing, school, writing, politics, musical theory, english (not my main language I learned reading an book that didn’t had the translation in my mother tongue), martial arts…everything I’ve been the best.

But I get bored easily and I’m not really compromised in following through everything. When I lose interest in not only things but human beings, I stop wasting my energy so I don’t study for tests but still manage to get 60-70%, sometimes 80% and when I study even for just an hour I get 100%.

Recently I disclose all of that to my psychologist and she told me we should keep having more sessions and talk about those things more. But I still not sure if I’m just faking it or if I really feel this way or not.

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