I’m always counting
Counting the songs that I sing
Counting the things that I do
What will happen if I don’t?
Nothing, nothing, nothing
But
What if? What if? What if?
What if you die? What if I die? What if everything goes wrong?
Except it won’t
And I know that
I know that you know that I know that
But what will happen if I don’t?
You use it as an adjective
Because it makes you feel prickly
If you don’t
But what will happen if you don’t?
How many people are going to die?
How long will you keep your fingers crossed, while playing Car Park Roulette?
How many nights will you spend hot and uncomfortable, because you don’t want to breathe their air?
I want to breathe
I want to breathe and I want it to feel like it’s good for me
I want to breathe and I want it to hurt with cold
I want to breathe and I want it to sting like a song of safety
I want the type of air that feels glacial
Like the oxygen itself is historical
Not school air that I protect myself against with the sleeve of my blazer
Not school air that matts your hair because it’s wet and there isn’t enough circulation
I have to count, because if I don’t, if I don’t, if I don’t
One time is safe, and normal, and good
Two times is an accident, but it’s safe, and normal, and good
Three times is lucky, third times a charm
Three times is Hellfire and evil and far, from the safety that comes from...
Four times, is where you stop, if you can, and if you can’t, you stop at...
Ten times, is too much, no coincidence, no luck, and by...
Thirteen times, you know that you’re stuck
If you continue, who knows when you’ll stop
When you’re trapped in a cycle of repeat, repeat, repeat
So that’s why I count, because if I don’t bad things will happen, but if I do
I don’t know if I’ll stop