r/polyamory • u/1fruitylove • 1d ago
Curious/Learning Meta relationship
Hi there, I'm new to the poly lifestyle. I've always been monogamous.
I am dating this guy (Lucas) for few months now. We're getting very close and always have an amazing time together. He has a gf for 9 months (Paula) now. I knew it from the beginning and never had any issues with it. I heard about her from Lucas. I saw her once at a party but I wasn't involved with Lucas then, and we didn't really talk.
I was fine how it was: I am enjoying the relationship I have with Lucas, and they can enjoy their relationship as well.
Now, Paula wants to know me and meet me. That's a new situation for me and I'm not sure what to expect but also what kind of relationship would come out of it?
I think my worry is to know too much? I don't wanna be in the middle of THEIR relationship. How do you find the balance/boundaries? How does it look like for you?
I really hope it goes well and we can be kind of friends. I think it would make everything easier.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Metamours are potential friends just like anyone in your partners life. Maybe you become friends, maybe you don't. No big either way. It's ok to say no, or not now.
Has your partner managed first meets before? Have there been issues between metamours in their life before? How have you discussed managing birthdays and family events and holidays?
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
Yes I do see it like this too. For me I value Paula because Lucas cares about her, so of course I want them both to be good. I told Paula I needed a bit of time.
Idk how it was with Lucas meta or issues to be honest.
Yeah I think that's why Lucas would like us to be on good terms. So we can find ways to make these celebrations work between all 3 of us. But also, we are dating for only few months, idk if it appropriate/time to already discuss these.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
I'm more worried about the idea that holidays are "theirs" and you'll need to "fit in" or "accommodate" what they want.
You really seem to have a great perspective on this and asking fantastic questions. Partner also seems to be doing great to not create pressure.
And remember there's a ton of options between "can't stand the person" and "besties 4 life." Chances are you'll fall somewhere in between. And in a few decades that spot will drift back and forth and back and forth. Like any relationship!
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
To be honest I don't think that's how it is, but it is how I see it. I'm trying not to make waves.
Thanks, I'm trying to understand and navigate this as best as possible. It's also good communication/boundary exercise for me.
That's true, it's not all or nothing, there can be a very comfortable in-between :)
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u/SarcasticSuccubus Greater Seattle Borg Collective 1d ago
To be honest I don't think that's how it is, but it is how I see it. I'm trying not to make waves.
Gently, I would examine this mindset if I was you. Asking for your needs to be met and taking up space isn't a bad thing, and it's in fact your job here to advocate for you. You can respect that there is someone else important in their life, but it's your hinge's job to navigate both these relationships. You aren't making waves. Your hinge chose to date someone else: I highly doubt you Mr. Kool-aid kicked in his front door and ordered him to date you (and even if you had, he still said yes!).
While yes, it's probably good to be mindful that their relationship has existed longer and therefore some things will come up that need negotiating, that doesn't mean that being the newer partner means you always have to accept less and tiptoe around their other relationship. Ask for what you want. You're not making waves, you're ensuring your partner can trust you to be honest about what you need.
People pleasing is bad regardless, but in polyamory, it's really a massive problem. People have to trust you when you say yes things are fine, which means they need to be able to trust you to say when they're not. Making yourself smaller to not rock the boat makes it harder to build that trust, and locks you in to agreements that can be harder to change down the line.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
I think it's also that I'm new to this, so I'm not sure what's normal/expected. And I know it's different for everyone. But to be completely honest, so far I didn't strongly feel like my needs are not fulfilled. I'm happy with what I get at the moment. I do see your point though, I don't wanna end up suffering silently just to make other people happy. Thank you for the nice reminder that my needs are also important even if he has someone else important to him as well.
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u/rosephase 1d ago
Do you want polyamory for yourself? Or are you trying it out to date this person?
Have you talked to your partner about how they want to handle metas meeting each other?
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
I want it for both myself and dating this person. So far I haven't had very strong reactions or feelings, I do see the benefits for my own growth in relating to others, so I feel like it can work.
Lucas told me that Paula wanted me to contact her. The way he described it sounded like she was a bit annoyed or disappointed that I did not contact her. Lucas told me I'm not obligated to do anything, because he thinks that Paula could also contact me.
That's all I know about how their meta works. Paula wanna meet me is all I know. Lucas would appreciate it if we have good contact but doesn't wanna force anything
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u/rosephase 1d ago
What do you want?
I like meeting metas once I know I am actually interested in someone for a long term thing. For me, that's often right away, as a tend to date friends. But if I was dating an internet stranger it could be quite a while before I would know if I want to invest in meeting and getting to know a meta.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
I am fine with meeting Paula, I just don't know what that would entail and where my own boundaries are yet.
I don't do short things, I also prefer long term relationships. I think this is where it is headed with Lucas as well. I notice he spend a lot of time and energy getting to know me in a meaningful way.
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u/rosephase 1d ago
It's okay to take time. You can always say "hey that sounds great, maybe we can meet in a couple of months".
For myself? I like to meet metas in a neutral space and a time limited activity. Like a coffee or a beer. If there is a good or neutral vibe then we can try more involved things and get to know each other. And if I don't like the vibe? I can stick with being acquaintances. I would rather metas be warm acquaintances, then to know exactly why I don't want to be their friend.
I take meta connections very slowly. I want to meet where things are warm and mutual. And that's complex when someone is also dating your partner.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
Oh months, I was thinking a couple of days lol. Why wait so long? For me, I think it's fine. I think I'm quite open to it.
Yes I was also thinking of a drink, but maybe it's also a bit like an interview lol it can make me uncomfortable, maybe a light activity where we can talk can be nice. I need to think about it.
I totally agree better have little good contacts than lots of time together that you hate.
What do you mean by when things are warm and mutual? How do you know if you don't meet them?
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u/_ghostpiss Liaison, Office of Nosey Bitches, Gemini Division, Rat Union 🐀♊ 1d ago
Tell Paula you are not open to talking about your mutual partner and your relationship. Talk about other stuff and get to know each other outside of your mutual connection.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
It feels a bit like the elephant in the room though. But yes, I will try to focus to know her as a person. I'm starting to think maybe a cute girl date can be fun ice breaker and less formal/intimidating for me
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u/rosephase 1d ago
I was talking about past meeting a meta.
Once you've met, what next? What level of contact feels good to each of you. It's something you end up sorting out. I like to do that slowly.
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 1d ago
If you want to meet her, that's great. However, I would come into it with zero expectations; there is no default assumption in poly for what arrangement will come of it if even if you get along. Some metas might want to be actual friends that hang out without the hinge; others just want to meet once to break the ice and then stay parallel. And of course tons of people fall in between.
I'd ask L before meeting her if there is a standard or an expectation for what happens after y'all meet. Like "if we get along, would you wanna hang out together sometimes or still continue dating separately as we have been?" And if you have a preference, I would use that time to state it.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
Interesting, I never thought about hanging out casually with both Lucas and Paula. I wonder what that would look like and feel like. But in this scenario then, I would prefer to be somewhat accustomed to Paula prior to that. I think it would make it easier.
And very good advice, I think it's good to know how it was/is with other meta. So I can know their preferences, and also state mine. But also maybe it's difficult to tell my preference before meeting her? Like, if we get along really well, then probably hanging out with both Paula & Lucas would be nice. If it turns out I don't click with Paula, then probably I don't wanna hang out with her at all, or the very minimum.
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 1d ago
Your last few sentences are a reasonable approach that you can state as-is! BTW, when someone is cool with somewhat regular group hangs or is friends with their metas, it's typically called "kitchen table polyamory" or KTP. Then there's "garden party poly," where metas can mingle but they're not friends. "Parallel poly" is when relationships stay separate and there isn't much crossing of the streams. I'd say it's the least common arrangement, but "lap-sitting poly" is when metas are involved with each other or part of a mutual kink or play group. These arrangements aren't usually set in stone, though; it makes sense to have certain relationships with other people based on whether they naturally get along or not.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
Yeah so then, first I see how is the vibe with Paula, then see if it would be nice to hang out or not.
Oh yeah Lucas did mention KTP! But he said he was not very strict with it, in the sense that there is not regular formal-ish meetings etc. But just that everyone can hang around each other. So I guess it is not the parallel one you described.
Lap sitting can be interesting lol but first starting with friendship!
Thanks for elaborating! It helps a lot
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u/smem80 1d ago
I really enjoyed meeting my meta 1:1 without our hinge. It relieved all the potential issues with PDA, who hinge arrived/left with and who paid. We just had coffee at a neutral location and got to know each other a little bit. We laughed a bit about some surface level annoyances we both had (how easily hinge fell asleep, how many Tums he takes) and parted politely.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
That sounds so cute! Omg I didn't even think of these things! The PDA, arriving/leaving together etc. Yeah I think it's best to meet 1:1. I have no clue what the conversation will be like, because yes, most likely we'll talk about Lucas. But it's so weird and new to me. Also feeling like I'm in a harem lol, two girls falling for the same guy & talking about how great he is lol!
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 20h ago
So neither of you have any other partners?
Has Paula always been monogamous as well and if so, why is your partner dating primarily monogamous people?
I'd be feeling like I'm in a harem too and not in any kind of nice way.
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u/No-Statistician-7604 1d ago
You don't have to meet Paula right now or ever..you get to decide.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
I'm fine with meeting with her, I'm just not sure what that would entail in the end
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u/No-Statistician-7604 1d ago
Talk to your partner about what would be uncomfortable for you and what would be comfortable. Keep it brief and light.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
So I would rely on Lucas to tell Paula my boundaries? Isn't it weird lol shouldn't I just tell Paula directly when I meet her?
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u/No-Statistician-7604 1d ago
You're not in a relationship with Paula. Communicate your boundaries to your partner.
"I'd feel uncomfortable if you made out with Paula infront of me, but I'm okay with a quick hello/goodbye peck" for example
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
But in this situation my boundaries is about what Paula would share with me, not what Lucas would do/not do in a situation where Paula and me are both there.
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u/_ghostpiss Liaison, Office of Nosey Bitches, Gemini Division, Rat Union 🐀♊ 1d ago
How would you set boundaries about not wanting to hear certain topics with a friend? It's the same.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
She might become a friend yes, but now idk her. So how to set a boundary with someone I will just meet
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u/Fox_Flame relationship anarchist 1d ago
You do not need to set these boundaries with her before meeting with her. You'd set them if you meet her and if you feel it's necessary when you do
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u/polycuri 1d ago
You don’t want to be in the middle, but perhaps you may be already?
I am also new to poly and other people will probably give you better advice, but if you aren’t comfortable with meeting her you could also say no and start setting your boundaries there? I mean, you don’t have to meet her and have a KTP if you don’t want to.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
KTP?
I guess I came up in their conversation yes lol He's very transparent so he tells her when we go on date or if I spend the night etc.
I'm okay with meeting her, I think there is a potential that we get along. I'm just not sure what this relationship will involve, or usually involve.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Does he tell you all that? If not, why not? Are you falling into the trap that because she came first she gets more access? Have you looked onto the different types of non monogamy and how they operate differently?
Transparent doesn't mean involved details about your life.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
Yeah he also tells me when he sees her, or their plans etc. He's not hiding things I think. But yeah idk if they had this discussion a long time ago or not.
There is a bit of that yes, but it also makes sense. She was there first they have a longer and deeper relationship. So it makes sense that she is prioritised in a way. I know he wants a nesting partner and Paula doesn't wanna be that, she prefers flat poly, where everyone is equal. Lucas told me he stopped a relationship because Paula wasn't comfortable with that, but after a while he asked her about the nesting thing, she refused. So from then he told her then if I find someone if you like it or not I will pursue it because you don't wanna be nesting partner. So idk if there is friction around that
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
You seem to have had some good discussions. I would worry about the stopping relationships due to her discomfort. That's not on the table for the future, is it? You can't possibly have a friendship with someone if you'll always have to worry they would dispose of you if they ever got uncomfortable..
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
No, it's not a possibility anymore. Lucas told me, he's gonna pursue the relationship he wants since Paula doesn't want to escalate the relationship to nesting partner. It sounds like it was very clear between them, he gave her the chance when he stopped that one relationship. After that, they clarified what they wanted and they just want different things. But yeah otherwise that would be very tricky lol
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hi there, I'm new to the poly lifestyle. I've always been monogamous.
I am dating this guy (L) for few months now. We're getting very close and always have an amazing time together. He has a gf for 9 months (P) now. I knew it from the beginning and never had any issues with it. I heard about her from L. I saw her once at a party but I wasn't involved with L then, and we didn't really talk.
I was fine how it was: I am enjoying the relationship I have with L, and they can enjoy their relationship as well.
Now, P wants to know me and meet me. That's a new situation for me and I'm not sure what to expect but also what kind of relationship would come out of it?
I think my worry is to know too much? I don't wanna be in the middle of THEIR relationship. How do you find the balance/boundaries? How does it look like for you?
I really hope it goes well and we can be kind of friends. I think it would make everything easier.
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 1d ago edited 1d ago
Think of it like meeting a friend of a friend. You might become friends too. You might not. And either way it's okay. As long as no one is pressuring anyone to spend time together who doesn't want to, it's fine. You are not being place in the middle of their relationship. You have your relationship and they have theirs. That's it.
I had a meta that became a platonic life partner (mother of my husband and my child, now 17, and we are still close friends), to metas that were regular friends, to acquaintances I saw now and then with no problem, but don't particularly have anything in common with, to one case, where I really just didn't like him so did not make any effort to spend time with him.
The key is that it is your choice whether or not to spend time with them and how much to hear about them.
So I suggest just seeing how it goes and how you feel. If you like each other, great. If not, your mutual partner can do some good hinging and not try to force you to be together. And neither you nor your meta should try to force anything, either.
Hopefully, everyone can be grown up enough to occasionally spend time in the same space in a friendly way no matter what.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
Yeah Lucas made it clear that, I don't have to do anything I don't want to. He just said that it would be nice, to have at least some contact. And of course ideally we would get along, that's the best case scenario and I agree. I guess I'm also just a bit anxious if we don't click. I wanna have a good relationship with Paula but also indeed don't wanna force it.
And yes it would be good if it is friendly at least. But interesting to know it can be different closeness
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 1d ago
Being able to have some contact is really practical in poly situations. And being friendly is even better! I hope it goes well.
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 1d ago
I'm not sure what to expect but also what kind of relationship would come out of it?
Nobody knows, until you meet her. This is an unknown, and you don't have to have a relationship with your meta. It's up to you. If you don't want to meet, say no. If you're up for meeting, and find out that you're not interested in them as a friend, then you can keep contact distant and polite. Don't participate in relationships you don't want to have. I'd keep expectations low and don't be attached to any sort of outcome from meeting them.
I think my worry is to know too much?
Tell your partner you don't want to know too much about their other relationship.
I don't wanna be in the middle of THEIR relationship.
Why would you be in the middle of their relationship? If you maintain good boundaries and relationship hygiene, you won't.
How do you find the balance/boundaries? How does it look like for you?
Honestly in my 'cule, we only talk good things about each other, and we get excited about each others' wins. We give each other support like friends do. We don't get into each others' relationships and take sides in conflicts and tell each other what to do. We respect each other as individuals and select for kindness.
I think it would make everything easier.
What is hard now? I'd caution against letting your hinge get lazy about managing his own relationships. Eg. you should never have to work out schedules and calendars with your meta, that's hinge's job.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
I'm okay meeting her, I'm a bit curious about her as well. Yes, I think I'm a bit afraid we don't click, then yes, I don't wanna maintain a relationship that doesn't feel good for me. I already have a hard time maintaining relationships with friends and finding friendship that feel good.
So far what Lucas tells me about their relationship is fine by me. I don't know all the details but big lines if I ask or if it can impact me or our plans. It's more that I don't want Paula to tell me too much about their relationship. Idk how to bring it up also. That's where I feel like I would be in the middle of their relationship. If Paula starts to give me details about what's up in their relationship, which would make sense because that's why we will meet, because we have the same person in common lol.
That sounds like a great polycule!! It sounds very healthy and positive.
Oh that's a good point, I was thinking indeed it would make it easier to work out schedule conflicts. I think the hinge has a part in it of course but he cannot split himself so, at some point we may have to have a the-way conversation
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 1d ago
Healthy and positive relationships don't happen by chance - they take conscious effort and intention to achieve.
Don't talk to Paula about your relationships with hinge. Treat her like an individual - she's a whole, independent person outside of her relationship with your hinge. What goes on in their relationship is the least of your interests. What are her hobbies? What music does she like? Are there any personal projects she's working on?
As a hinge myself I negotiate schedules so that my partners never have to deal with it for me. And my partners do the same for me and my meta(s). If I fuck up and double book I own the mistake and apologize and do what I can to fix it. The only time meta and I discuss our hinge is when we're working out things like gifts "hey has hinge read this book?", or "does hinge own this game?", or "I can't remember if it's bananas or avocados that hinge hates in his pie".
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
Yeah good point! And good job!
Oh, I was thinking that would be the main topic of our meet up! That's a bit why we meet in the first place. Also Lucas said, that we have at least him in common so maybe there are other things we can have in common. I think it will make it easier indeed to just get to know her than try to talk about Lucas. I will try to keep this in mind, thank you!!
So far, I also didn't have to accommodate or handle scheduling, which is good. I hope it stays like that. That sounds cute, how can we spoil hinge? It also sounds good that you don't discuss the hinge so much.
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 19h ago
Oh, I was thinking that would be the main topic of our meet up! That's a bit why we meet in the first place.
What is? To discuss scheduling?
Scheduling is the hinge's job, not a job between metas. You negotiate the schedule you have with hinge with the hinge (your partner) and your meta negotiates the schedule she has with the hinge with the hinge. It's your parnter's job to make sure the schedules align and everyone is happy with what they're getting.
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u/1fruitylove 17h ago
No I meant the whole point of meeting is because of Lucas, so my first thought was that Paula ande would talk about Lucas a lot. And I think actually I wouldn't like this too much, because I don't wanna know what's up in their relationship. That's their own. I feel way more at ease knowing her for her and see if we click & can be friends.
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u/Reasonable_Shoe5987 1d ago
This is a response also to your comments. It sounds like you're open and do want to meet. Cool! You really won't know where you stand till that happens. Just go with whatever feels right for you. No expectations. Your hinge seems solid by not pressuring you, that's great.
All of your relationships are young, so theres probably a lot of NRE all around, and it could evolve in many ways, none of them wrong if it's not forced. Once you meet you'll get an idea what feels right. Don't stress about their relationship. If something doesn't work for them, but you're fine, it's on them to communicate that. You don't need to take on that stress. If everyone is on the same page without pressure, there's really no right answer for how much you should interact. I've dated a lot parallel, but I do like to meet and be cordial with metas at least for scheduling or in case life stuff comes up. It should be based first on what you feel is right and fits your needs. Some poly relationships have very minimal contact. On the other end, you may end up liking your meta, become really good friends. You go on buddy trips, do video calls with your mutual partner, and send pics of you being awesome friends. This is my current LTR Meta, but it's because we actually got along and make good friends. We all hang out as friends. There's a lot of convos that need to be done with this dynamic (Kitchen Table Polyamory).
There's no wrong answer as long as all parties are comfortable and within each other's boundaries and needs. TLDR Meet, see what you think. Follow what you want and need. Don't take on the stress of of how you affect their relationship, it's their responsibility to communicate their needs and boundaries to you, and then your responsibility to respect theirs.
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u/1fruitylove 1d ago
Yeah I think part of the worry is, if we don't get along its gonna make things more difficult, which I don't want. But yeah, if there is tension between them, it's not my problem to fix. Lucas needs to figure it out.
I agree I think some contact can be good, at least friendly or cordial. Because we're somehow involved in each other's live indirectly via Lucas.
Honestly I really like the idea of being her friend and doing cute girl date together lol I hope that could be like that. Then yes, I think it would fit great with the KTP dynamic, where we can all hang out in a nice atmosphere.
Thank you for your comment, it's very helpful!
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u/SaffyreNeko71689 15h ago
It sounds like you guys are Parallel currently, and she may want to lean towards Garden Party Poly at least, as long as you guys get along.
As long as you guys can genuinely be friends, this may make your connection easier anyway. I would say my two partners and I are Kitchen Table poly, they are friends with each other and we all see each other regularly at least a few times a week. While they don't discuss their relationship with me with each other, they are considerate of each other's feelings concerning my connections, especially my second partner towards my primary, which is something I'm happy to see. We all do our best to be respectful when the three of us hangout (or if any of our mutual friends hangout with us too) and I make a point to treat them as just friends when I'm around them both, and refrain from touching aside from the occasional goodbye hugs.
You guys have only been dating for a few months, so there is really no rush. But if you want to give being friends a try with your meta, even if you only hangout once in a while, then why not? At worst you'll find that you don't really gel as friends and maybe she will express some form of insecurity or jealousy, but since she's reaching out I doubt she will express that to you. At best you guys can be friends, and sometimes may even want to chill with just the two of you or with other mutual friends. It can't hurt to try, unless you genuinely feel uncomfortable. I hope it goes well for you, metas being friends usually makes things more smooth between everyone, because everyone wants to support each other to some extent and you both want your partner to be happy. Wishing you the best.
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u/1fruitylove 14h ago
I think it was parallel so far because also me dating Lucas is pretty new. But I guess it is starting to be quite serious, so she hears about me, so I understand her being curious about me.
I'm relieved that it seems common not to dig into details about our relationship with the hinge. Because I don't want that.
You guys seem pretty close to hang out multiple times a week all together! And that's also something I need to navigate, if we end up all three together in the same space, what kind of PDA is okay or not.
Yeah I'm definitely open to meet her and see if we can be friends or friendly at least. Honestly I hope we can be friends and also hang out together, it would be ideal situation!
Thank you for your kind words ❤️
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
I’d probably just say “no thanks, that doesn’t sound fun. Maybe in another few months.”
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