I was raped when I was 18 well I think it was rape sometimes I second guess it and I’ve told people online about it and they’ve downplay it. And idk it’s bothering me I’ve had people say some weird shit and urghhh guys I feel like I’m going through a mental breakdown. Therapy right now is not on the table and no one in my real life knows but I feel like I’m overthinking it and just being dramatic.

Maybe NSFW I'm not sure

TW: some description of medical problems associated with SA

This is a throwaway account because I do not want this associated with me in any way. I kind of don't know how to introduce this so I'm just gonna write it straight up. When I was between the ages of 7-9 a "lunch monitor" at my school was grooming me. I know for CERTAIN that he did a lot of low level creepy things like if I was cold he would offer me his jacket, he'd get all of the kids to line up and make fun of things like their appearance and mannerisms one by one but then would say "but [my name] is perfect", he'd let me do whatever I wanted, choose games and movies to watch in after school club, would follow me around at break, had inside jokes with me, let me break the rules etc etc. I guess that isn't really grooming but he wouldn't shut any of my friends down when they joked about him having a crush on me and that just really grossed me out. There is 2 problems with this, the first is if he did anything to me, the second is if I inadvertently caused other people harm.

In terms of him doing anything to me I always told myself he didn't however I have a lot of dissociative amnesia surrounding him. I've had around 3 "flashback loops" where I get a bunch of flashbacks over and over and over about him then forget them all for a few years and then remember them all again (the most recent loop started in november last year). I remembered reading up on SA symptoms and telling myself I didn't have them but as time has passed I realised I have had SA related health problems. When I was 8-11 I struggled with incontinence, I've had recurring nightmares about a blonde man raping me (all I remember about his appearance is that he was bleach blonde and he used to wear a specific headband) who's appearance I forget everytime I wake up for years, I have dissassociative amnesia about him in the first place and when I was 7 years old I developed an addiction to touching myself (which I know can be normal but the weird thing was that when I did it I only ever imagined having sex with adults significantly older than me). I also developed anorexia at 8 years old and BED at 10. I don't want to sound like I'm basically larping as a victim but I really, really don't know and wanted to know if anyone had experienced anything similar.

The other problem is that this year he got convicted of raping 2 kids and producing, distributing and owning CSAM this year. I'm pretty sure it is him as, despite no longer having bleach blonde hair, he has the same name, same age and is in the exact same very small area with the same job. I think I kind of instinctively knew he was a creep as, before he was convicted, I had searched up his name, area and "rapist" once a month for over 2 years. The thing I worry about is that when he was grooming me I knew he was a bit of a creep, in fact I liked when my friends told me he had a crush on me because it just affirmed my feelings not even that he was attracted to me, but just that someone cared about me (I have autism so am pretty social inadept). I just worry that I allowed those victims to suffer because I was preoccupied thinking about how he was nice to me. I just never expected him to do it to someone else because he really did act like I was special. He was horrible to everyone else but he was so nice to me and only me and I didn't think he'd be able to replace me like that, as awful as it sounds. Is it kind of my responsibility? Especially because I searched up his name for years meaning I knew he was a creep yet still didn't report him.

Hey, I’ve been raped by my ex and it has gotten better. But we were only together for about a year and the Break up was a year ago.
I still think about it a lot tho and it feels wrong because wouldnt every normal Person have overcome their ex After that time? Is that normal After sa? Do you think sa makes the time to heal from a Person longer or is that just because I take Long to get over people? Why does it sometimes feel like I miss him? Is it still CSA when I was 15/16 and he was 17/18?

Im talking like a weird discomfort, like something was there, and its this disgusting uncomfortable feeling specificaly in the area you were hurt. Sometimes makes you cry or punch it intensily because of that weird feeling of something you dont want being inside. Is that normal to experience? Well more like is that a common thing to experience, because ofcourse it can be normal everyone has their own symptoms after trauma but is it like a common thing?

I agreed to meet him. I went to his house despite my instincts yelling at me not to. I made him angry. I didn't leave...

I left bleeding and I'm still in pain two years later.

So much I could've done to avoid it...

Backstory:

I was stupid and naive to hang out with a coworker outside of work which lead me to be raped 3 months ago. Before he raped me, he would slowly cross my boundaries that day from trying to hold my hand to groping my breasts. I am very awkward and kinda soft spoken so I have trouble speaking up for myself and he took advantage of that. Before we hanged out he already knew I had a boyfriend and that it was a serious 4 year relationship and he made it seem like he understood. I made it known I wasn't ok with his behavior that day when it was happening before he raped me,but he dismissed it by saying that we are friends or that my boyfriend is not here or that we are not at work. After he raped me he said out of his mouth " I was trying to see if you felt something but now I see you are serious for your man. I see you as a strong woman. Who taught you to become a strong woman?." I told him that we were not friends after that and left. At work he attempted to say hi to me for a day or two after the incident as if nothing happened. Each attempt I ignored him and after that he got the hint he stopped trying to tak to me.I told my boyfriend what happened a few days later since when I told my friends what happened they blamed me for hanging out with the coworker as to why it had happened and not very kind about my situation. As soon as I told him he immediately called the police for me. Long story short nothing was done about it because I didn't go to the hospital on time to get a rape kit done. My job also won't do anything about it since it happened outside of work but I already told them that I don't feel safe and my mental health is declining due to me having to see him when he comes to my department and all they did was send me a work flyer for mental health/counciling.

Wanting to reach out to my rapist:

Basically I've been having a strong urge to talk to my rapist. Ive been thinking about sending him a message saying how I've been feeling and how his actions have impacted me etc even though it's been 3 months since I last talked to him. I think I am wanting to have closure and kinda let go of what happened but I'm not sure if that is a good choice or not.instead of asking you guys if I should reach out to him or not I'm wanting to know your experiences if you guys have reached out to your rapists and I'm just wanting to know what happened to kinda see what I should do. I am also curious why you decided to reach out if you did and if it helped you out or not.

This is a positive vent. I am 25F, and my fiancé is 27M. He is the best thing to ever happen to me.

Most of my life, I felt as if I have lived in fight or flight mode. I experienced severe SA that happened when I was 5, and it didn’t stop until I was 10 I think. It was by the same man, my mothers ex-husbands son. I had to live with him until I was 18. I lived in constant fear, every footstep, every time a door opened. When I would go to the doctors, they almost sent me to a cardiologist because my blood pressure was so high and they couldn’t figure out why, and my periods were always irregular. I also had seizures during the abuse, and I went to multiple neurologists.

My mother and her ex-husband covered up the abuse, and they screamed at me when someone on the outside had heard of it and called CPS.

I finally was able to leave when I was 18, and I got into a relationship that was very abusive. He kicked my face, and he would SA me while I was sleeping. It was hellish, and I was finally able to leave.

After I left him, I basically lived in a blur. I would drink almost every night, and smoke so much weed I could barely stand. I would get off of work, and instantly go and buy alcohol. I was so depressed, I honestly don’t know what made me live. I just kept going day by day, hoping it would get better. I just wanted someone to love me so bad, because I had never had anything like that before.

Then, I met my fiancé and everything changed. When I first met him, I had never met a guy like him. He was quiet, and shy. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me, and he was so soft spoken. But after talking with him, I fell in love with him.

The first time he came over to my apartment to stay the night, he was too scared to even cuddle me or anything. We joke about it now, because he was lying as stiff as a board because he was too scared to touch me.

But, that night I was so scared to go to sleep, because when I was assaulted when I was little, and with my ex, It was always when I was sleeping. Eventually I fell asleep, and I realized that was the first time I had ever been able to sleep with a man without being taken advantage of.

After he got more comfortable, he literally became a cuddle monster, lol. He would cuddle me on the couch all day, in bed he would cuddle me as soon as he woke up and while he was going to sleep.

I know to some this may sound normal, but I have never seen this side to a man ever. This was completely new for me. He made me realize my main love language was physical touch, even though most of my life I had feared it.

He constantly rubs my back, talks in the same, soft voice. (He’s also British, which adds on because I think British accents are hot as hell lmao). He’s never raised his voice, and he’s never gotten frustrated or angry at me. He never hides his phone from me, and he’s leaves everything open for me.

He has never pressured me for sex once, not ever. He doesn’t watch porn, he’s just so perfect. I am in tears writing this, because I love this man so much. I could go on for hours, but I’ll leave it here.

I have never felt more safe with anyone. And I appreciate him so much. I just had to tell someone, because I don’t have really anyone to tell.

I was raped and sexually assaulted in my senior year of high school by a guy I used to see.

My friends (and best friend) started buying vapes from him because he had a fake id so I would hang out with him often. This was about a year after me and this guy had ended things officially. Me and the guy started to see each other again and hook up. One night things got weird and he ended up raping me and sexually assaulting me.

I didn't go to school for a week after the incident because I felt disgusting. I didn't want to see him. I told my best friend and her advice was to text the guy and tell him what he did made me uncomfortable. She said it was most likely a misunderstanding. I did what she said. In response he told the whole school (I am exaggerating it was probably just a majority of his and my grades) that I was a liar and that when I came back to school I would tell everyone that he sexually assaulted me and not to believe me.

I told my best friend to tell my other two close friends because I couldn't bring myself to do so. I later found out she told them in a way that made me out to sound like a liar. I also found out she was secretly hanging out with him. She would see him after school to vape in her car. I would see it on snap maps. It tore me up inside. Despite our differences and many arguments or disagreements I still would have thought she would support me. I would for her. I finally confronted her and she turned the situation around on me saying I had recently been a bad friend towards her. I won't lie and say she was wrong. I had been a bad friend but it's a two way street and she had been too. Our friendship had been growing toxic due to jealousy and despite my many attempts at talking to her about it communication was never her strong suit.

I began skipping class nearly every day to avoid seeing her. I was so hurt by the situation. She barely spoke to me. I never spoke to her.

I got exempt from the classes I had with her and the entire staff knew I was having a mental health crisis. I tried to kill myself multiple times. I had no friends because they all decided to side with her. I wasn't as close with them anyway.

I would take pills. Lots of Benadryl and show up to school hardly able to walk. I OD'd once but refused to tell anyone. I slit my wrists and my mom found me bleeding all over my shag carpet.

I went to the police one day and cried in the arms of a female officer. She cried with me.

Because I never got a rape kit and the photos of the friction burn he had given me were deleted off my phone I had no evidence of the rape. I know. Ironic right? You are probably speculating now if I am just a pathological liar on the internet. I wish I was. Then I wouldn't be up at 4:00 AM writing about my pathetic life on the internet.

Anyway it's been almost two years since the incident and he ended up sexually assaulting one of the girls in my old friend group who defended him. He went on to rape another girl and get dropped by all of his friends that defended him against me.

I am sitting here wishing they weren't so petty and could just apologise to me. But they are so shameful and horrible I know they never will.

I wish I could out them too but that would cause too much legal troubles and I am already struggling financially.

I started writing this looking for advice. How do you cope with not being able to bring your rapist to justice? Or all the people who defended him?

I am not at all happy that one of the girls was assaulted by him too. It's disgusting. I wish she didn't have to experience that because I remember how horrifying it was for me. Yet at the same time I have this feeling of anger. Like why didn't you listen to me??? You idiots.

I don't know how to feel loved after this anymore either. The only person I truly feel loved by is my ex boyfriend who cleaned up my blood on that shag carpet. Who held me through every panic attack. But he also holds so much of my trauma I am scared to be in a relationship with him let alone someone completely new.

I also want justice so bad. I want those people to look me in the eye and apologise for what they did and I want to tell them I will never accept their apology because they deserve to live with that guilt and shame their whole lives just as I have to live with the trauma for the rest of my life.

so basically my boyfriends 19 now, and hes been living with trauma from his past that back then he had got raped, in the woods, this asian guy he was in his teens while doing all of this to him, he would take him to the woods to make this 6 year old kid give him oral, and hide all of his clothes and leave him naked for him to find. i know his name and the guy who did it but my boyfriend needs help. and i want to do something for him and i dont know what to do, the guy was 13-14 while doing these actions.

Hello all,
I(F/20) was raped 4 years ago by my first ex-bf and relationships after have been something I’ve struggled with. I dated one guy since then when I was 18, and we were intimately involved. He knew about my past and was always very careful to not cross lines, but about 50% of the time we would have sex, I would always start crying. This was nothing on his end but eventually we broke up for unrelated reasons. I actively have avoided relationships since then until about a month ago. I decided I wanted to take control of my intimate life back and started talking to a guy. He’s super sweet, but I have not told him about my past out of fear. Everything has been going smoothly, but the two times that I “finished” during intimacy with him I immediately just want to cry. I haven’t cried in front of him, I have always left before it happens. The first time I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had in years/after being raped. The second time was tonight, I just told him I was tired and would head home. I’m stuck on how to move forward. My brain is telling me that I should just ghost him, but I know in my heart that I would deeply regret doing that because it would be done for no apparent reason in his eyes. I don’t know if I should tell him, I don’t know if I should ask to cut off intimacy even though I don’t want to. I think I’m scared that telling him will give him space to do something like that to me. I read way too much into others experiences where they’ve told a guy they were with that they really trusted, and those guys turned it around on them and caused more trauma. I feel like I got “lucky” with my last ex boyfriend and I’m scared to take a chance. I feel so alone in my thoughts.. I just want to ask if there are any other survivors that have dealt with these feelings before?

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I (F25) was assaulted in the sense that I asked to stop and tried to push him off, but he kept going. He also took the condom off before penetration, which I did NOT consent to.

Where it gets blurry is that I did consent to rough and forceful play. He just took it a few steps too far.

It's hard for me to believe he is an evil person. I just think there was serious miscommunication and not enough discussion of hard boundaries. But he hurt me so I sent him a short but polite text about how what he did wasn't okay. I wish him the best but it's best we don't talk anymore. Then I blocked him everywhere. (He does end up sending me a respectful and sincere apology, and respects my space)

Things have been peaceful ever since. But we do train in the same sport and inevitably, I met a group of people who know him. They all don't like him and think he's creepy, but that's beside the point.

I was offered opportunity to train under a coach I really respect, but he only works at the gym my rapist frequents. I'm really torn because I want to protect my peace and avoid him altogether, but I also really want to seize the opportunity to level up in a sport I love.

TLDR; my emotions are a mess because I don't know how to think of my rapist who seems genuinely remorseful + it's messing with a sport that I take seriously.

Should I take the L and stick to "safe" gyms? Or bite the bullet and show up to train, and just ignore my rapist if he shows up.

I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place to ask this I just don’t know where else to go. I (16f) was gang raped by four men two days ago. I suffered a lot of injuries during the attack, which lasted for five hours, and they made me do so many awful things. The worst of which was forcing me to swallow pieces of feces from one of the men.
I already have really extreme OCD and have been unable to shake the feeling that I’m going to get sick from this. I’m seeing visions of myself getting feverish and dying. I’ve been reassured by a doctor and my mother that this isn’t going to happen but I can’t get it out of my head and I’m hoping opinions from here might help. Am I going to die from this? Will the memory ever leave my head?

Starting ADHD medication was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. It made me more productive and focused, but at the same time, I’m realizing how I was treated by everyone. I got bullied my entire life, through college, even. I’m a college junior and I only realized a few days ago because that’s when I started the meds that my friends have been bullying me this whole time. My coworkers and managers have been bullying me this whole time. And if that isn’t bad enough, I always had thoughts abt something that happened to me as a kid. I don’t remember anything, but any time the topic comes up, my body feels so weird. I was forced to wear a bra in the house as a kid and my mom would get mad at me if I didn’t wear certain underwear. I had school underwear and home underwear. I used to pee my pants 24/7 in the 2nd grade. My parents have asked before if I was wearing a bra and underwear. My mom always came into changing rooms with me even as an adult to examine the clothes I was wearing to make sure they fit appropriately on me. When I was 15, I got a UTI from the beach, and she didn’t allow me to put the cream on it myself.

I just feel so disappointed. I don’t even wanna be alive anymore. I just feel like I got the truth about reality and it’s like, what’s the point of even living? I thought everyone liked me, but everyone was just hating me. Everyone has been bullying me my whole life and I didn’t even know it. On top of that, my parents pay for my college and housing and everything rn, so people just think I’m ungrateful. I just feel so broken. I barely have any photos of when I was a kid either. It’s like I don’t even exist. Today’s my 20th bday; I should be happy. This is the most saddest I’ve ever been.

this is kind of a long confusing story but i just need validation in what happened to me and i need to know it gets better. HUGE TW

my ex and i were together for 2 years and i found out around 9 months in he had a porn addiction. this isn’t super relevant but i feel maybe he wouldn’t have done this if it wasn’t for the porn idk maybe i’m coping. anyways, whenever i would say no to him he would say okay and that he doesn’t mind at all and then just kind of start doing things to me..like reach his hand down my pants and finger me kind of things..and i would move his hand and say “no i don’t want to” or whatever but i remember one specific time when this had happened and i kept moving his hand off me, it wasn’t aggressive or anything just pushing it away and saying no, and it got to. point where i felt i had said no so many times i couldn’t anymore and i didn’t know what to do so i just dissociated and stopped answering..maybe that means it’s not rape because i kind of let it happen but we’ll get there. i don’t remember what happened in between me dissociating and this but somehow after that he was having sex with me and i was just staring out the window. after a while he noticed i was just staring off i guess and shoved off me and moved across the car. he sat there kind of in fetal position just apologizing over and over and whenever i asked “why are you sorry?” he would just say “i don’t know i’m sorry” we didn’t talk about it for a while and honestly as soon as it happened i forgot what happened, this happens a lot with my trauma i promise im not lying, until one night before bed it just flashed in my head and that was rough but i brought it up to him and he said “sorry i raped you .” mind you when i brought it you, i said sexual assault..he said rape..when i asked why he said rape and restated that’s not what i said he just said “idk”
forward to now i told my friend about that situation and asked his thoughts on what it was and he said it was rape. i can’t get it out of my head. im not sure how to live life knowing that. is that rape? what do i do? can i do anything?

just trying to get some outside perspective. I was 18 and he was 16 when we were dating. My first time we were fooling around and I told him I did not want him to penetrate me after telling him I had a dream where he raped me. He assured me he wouldn’t, then as things got heated he put his penis near my vagina. I felt like it started to go in, so I asked him “Is it inside?”. I remember he looked like a deer frozen in headlights, but instead of pulling back he “I don’t know”, looked past me, and thrust in all the way.

After that we had sex a couple more times, but each time I would start to say no more. Each time he wore me down, from me giving in easily to him having to beg me to have sex, to the point where if I said I did not want to and he wanted to he would do it anyway.

One week before he broke up with me, he raped me when I went over to his house to see him before I went to college. This time I did say no and tried to throw him off me after we cuddled for a bit, and even attempted to slap and bite him, saying I would scream. He mocked all my attempts as me wanting to have sex, and said if I screamed the neighbors would come over and believe him since I was at his house. So he held me down and raped me, and I begged him to let me go because I didn’t want to remember our last time like this. He did after a while, and sent me home after he was done.

because this was my first relationship and the fact that he said he would marry me I held onto the relationship. The day before he dumped me I asked him “do you love me?” and he got upset and asked how could I ask that? Then he said yes. The next day he broke up with me and I lost my mind. the following month and next five years I would offer myself to him in an attempt to win him back, because he had told me before that no one would ever want me after I had had sex, that I was sloppy seconds. So I wanted to stay with the person who I had sex with first.

After our breakup and through the years he treated me like a sex object, he was not kind or respectful towards me anymore. He acted like I was beneath him for eventually sleeping with other people but yet still wanted me to please him whenever he wanted.

I wanted to know if anyone else has been through something like this. I am no longer in contact with him but in talking to one of his previous victims she had said at the time that he would never cross her boundaries and was respectful when she said no (she was 16 and he was 22 at the time). This was when I tried to warn her, but she thought I was lying. Later on I reached out to her again and it turns out he raped her as well.

Now he has a wife who was warned by her brother that he has raped but she chose to get married to him and acts like the world is out to get him, and seems to be happy and acts like he is the perfect husband/respectful/cares about her as a person.

I wonder if he has changed or just gotten better at manipulating people and hiding his true self.

I(18f) was sexually assaulted a few months ago, before turning 18. I was encouraged to smoke marijuana, way too much, not knowing what was going to happen. As I was laying on my stomach, getting violated, I passed out or fell asleep or dissociated, I'm not sure. But I remember waking up as my younger self, maybe ages 2-5. I was in what looked like my childhood bedroom and the man that was raping me now was my father. The man was mostly a figure of darkness but it felt like my father. I started to come to, realizing the reality of the situation and was crying harder than I've ever cried. I wept silently as the assault started, but when I "woke up" I was crying so hard like a hungry baby, the kind that leaves you with shuddering breathes. In the past I've thought maybe something happened to me as a child but I've no evidence or recollection of anything like that happening. I was a happy and healthy child, so I don't know what gave me this suspicion. I don't have anyone to talk to about this and it's been driving me crazy trying to understand why that happened. Has this happened to anyone else or does anyone have any idea as to why this happened? Words of encouragement, anything, I just feel insane having this cooped up in my head.

All weekend ive been feeling off. Not quite anxious or depressed but definitely moody and I chalked it up to PMS until I looked at todays date and realized ... its been 5 years on Friday since my friend for 15 years assaulted me. I usually take the day off of work for a mental health day, but this year thats not an option. Most of my team is on vacation. One of my coworkers is getting married on Thursday. So I just gotta suck it up and deal and just get through my friday and the entire week without having a mental breakdown. 🙃 ive done a lot of work on myself since everything. I put myself in therapy a year after the incident. But I think its normal for "anniversary dates" to trigger your emotions from that day. I just feel ... alone...

My partner and I have been hitting rock bottom in our relationship, for a while now.

From the moment we met, she was very open to share with me her past relationships. She had been S.A. by her ex partner and other people in her past.

From the first couple of months of us being together she would bring up issues that she had with our sex life.

The first times were about her feeling like her pleasure wasn’t really considered and that she hated the fact that I would be done with sex once I came.

I would listen to her issues, but I wouldn’t do anything concrete to show her that I truly listened. These issues came up, over and over, and I would react the same way each time at the beginning. I would always find an excuse "I’m overwhelmed with work and I feel exhausted", "I didn’t think of doing anything because I’ve been stressed out lately " and many more excuses like these.

Months, a years passes, nothing really changes. She went in trial against her abusive ex and I was with her the whole time she had to testify. This was a retraumatising event for her and yet, I was with her physically and mentally but still didn’t show more consideration afterwards for her mental and sexual needs to heal properly.

The same issues with our sex life came back again, months later, but with much more distress coming from her and I would get defensive directly. I would excuse my behaviour in my head because I would be present and active in other parts of the relationship (chores, food, etc). I know looking back that I shouldn’t have gotten defensive because it minimized the impacts of my attitude / not acting accordingly to make her feel safe in the relationship.

Also important to note, she did basically everything for me in the mean time. She was supportive of me during a burnout that I did, she came with me to my grandma’s funeral, supported me through harder times that I went through. But still nothing more than the bare minimum to show for.

The past 8-9 months have been especially hard for her. Because after a whole year and a half of her waiting for me to take action, I would start taking actions, but what I would do/propose were too little. What I did wouldn’t really adress the current situation/frustrations she had. I basically started doing what was necessary, but from the first issues she brought up in our relationship. The issues and the hurt she had were much bigger now and more hurtful for her as time went on.

What I did for her vs. What she did for me over those years were not equivalent. It is the bare minimum and I needed to do a LOT MORE to even the scales.

I’ve been in this relationship for almost 2 years now, I’ve fucked this relationship, my partner’s mental health and her trust towards me. I genuinely want to make amends, make things right and help her trust me again (I know all of this can only be fixed with actions, consistency and care) but I’m afraid it’s too late. I want to help her for once and especially help her heal from her past traumas, but also the one that I’ve been perpetuating for the past 2 years.

I’ve been reading online, asked for ressources in my city, and trying to learn to be a better partner and being especially more caring and considerate towards her and other people in my life. That’s why I’m here asking complete strangers advice to get an objective and unbiased opinion.
What would you do?

It happened 8 months ago, I found out 2 weeks ago. She was 14, he was supposed to be a school friend. She did not consent. I am livid but feel helpless. She does not want to press charges. Some so called girlfriends have taken his side, she is not a liar- it happened. She just wants it to all go away but there’s a couple of girls who bring it up. She finally went to the school counsellor and told her, who then informed the school. But nothing can be done unless she wants to press charges. Now that’s it’s out (apparently everyone knew before) she’s just so down and doesn’t want to go to school. I don’t blame her. I just want her to be ok first and foremost but man I could hurt this kid for what he’s done to her. He goes to school everyday but she suffers. It makes me sick. I don’t know what to do. Australia.