I wasn’t sure where to post so I thought maybe I could ask here. My husband and I could use some advice navigating this situation.

My husband and I have been married for over a decade. The other day we found out through a relative that my father in law had r*aped his sisters all through their teenage years and into their early 20s. This was 40 years ago. My heart is broken for the victims and I’m so angry omg FIL’s actions.

FIL’s response is “the assaults don’t matter because they were so long ago”, so he’s completely unapologetic and defending his behavior. My mother in law has been bullying the victims for coming forward. She cornered one victim and told her that ”telling people what he did to you is ruining everything” and she asked another victim ”what did you do to make your brother want to touch you?”

I want to go no contact with my in laws. My husband does too, but he’s also still shocked by all this. I don’t care if he hasn’t continued the behavior (although I’m taking his claims with a grain of salt), I don’t want a predator in my hime anymore. Am I off base? How do I support my husband learning these awful things that we had no idea about, while also maintaining my hardline stance that this is unacceptable behavior?

My mom was 4 when she was taken advantage of by her baby sitter's brother who was 15 at the time.

She got cat called at 12 years old and told me when I was 12.

She got groped at 19 years old when she went into a gas station alone and the worker groped her

Her childhood friend who she became friends with in 3rd grade got raped at 13 when she was taking her dog on a walk and 2 men forced her to get into the van and then she bite them and they threw her out of the van.

When my mom was friends with Other Victims of SA as well.

She didn't tell me this until last year when I wanted to have a sleepover at my friend's uncle's house when I was 16

for context growing up I never had sleepovers , went to a friend's house , had a baby sitter, or a tutor or a teacher that was outside of school, and I never have been in any type of after school program

I wasn't able to walk home from school either and always got picked up , and I was never allowed to get in a friends or classmates parents car either especially a male family member of a friend I didn't know personally

I remember on tiktok I made a comment on tiktok and someone said how I was a asshole for complaining that I wasn't able to have a sleepover and talking about my mother being a victim or CSA

And another person said how her own mom was a victim of SA and that she was still able to have sleepovers and how my mom probably had some unresolved trauma

I'm 17 and I feel bad for what happened to my mom but when I have a child I will allow my kids to have sleepovers and have more independence and freedom then I did

And I want her to know I'm growing up

She let me have my first sleepover this month and hangout with my friend from 11 am to 9 pm without her so I think my mom is starting to let me have more independence

And I also wanna mention other SA victims I know

I won't mention their names or initials for privacy reasons so I will refer to them as their favorite colors.

Before I was 11 I assumed I never knew or met a SA Victim in my life and I thought it was a rare thing to happen

In 2020 I won't say my friends name

Me and her was arguing about something off topic

And she mentioned how she was molested at 5 years old by a family member who was 16

She wasn't an online friend she was a irl friend who moved away

And at 11 years old I didn't know how to process that information all I said was " I'm sorry" and that was the first time I ever found out I knew a SA Victim in my life

I will refer to her as Red

Then at 12 years old another friend of mine who was 10

told me when she was 6 she was taken advantaged of by a 8 year old

And this was my second person in my life who was a victim of CSA

I will refer to her as purple

And then at 13 I got into a argument with this girl and she was 15 years old she said she lost her virginity at 13 I said how that isn't a good thing and I didn't know she was raped at 13 and she accused me of slut shaming her for being raped

Even though at the time she didn't mention she was raped until after I made a comment about her losing her virginity now at

17 years old I knew 13 year olds can't consent and regardless it it was by choice or by force she was still a victim of SA and I shouldn't of made assumptions

I will refer to her as yellow

At 14 years old I was friends with this guy who was 11 at the time

I will refer to him as orange

We were in 8th and 6th grade and we were classmates

He is a former friend of mine and I remember during a conversation me and him had on Google meet

I remember I asked him if he was a virgin

And he said it sounded like he was joking that his uncle molested him

And I asked him if he's joking

And he said " why would I joke about that "

At the time I didn't wanna think I misheard something serious is why I asked him that question

He had a dark sense of humor back then but he didn't make rape jokes or offensive jokes until he was older

He joked around with his friends when he was 13 about " don't rape me" and had a dark sense of humor.

And at 15 the last SA Victim who said something to me about being SAEd was a girl who I will refer to as Pink

I said when I was 15 and lied about having sex even though I'm a Virgin

And she said that wasn't a flex and she had sex before and she's 13 and I called her stupid for that and she said she was raped at 11 and she said " and I liked it " which I found concerning I couldn't tell if she was joking or serious

To clarify I'm not a Victim of SA and I wanna be educated on this subject.

The conversation I had with red & the one I had with orange

Felt like it never happened because they haven't brought it up once ever again or anything related to it

to the point because it's so serious I'm overthinking if I misheard something either of them said

I know those conversations did happen it just feel like it didn't because they never brought it up again.

And another note Orange is the only one who has reddit so I hope he never finds this post and he's the only possible male victim of SA I know

But I don't think he ever has been on this subreddit either.

Thank u for reading this whole thing and if I offended anyone reading this I apologize and I'm sorry.

Hey guys just wanted to share a short of my story… when I was 15 my mother finally told me the story of how I was conceived which was through rape when she worked in CA. Fast forward to may 2026 I got my ancestry DNA results and found that man and his family aka my sibling and them and I are in contact. I have spoke with my bio father but I feel sick to my stomach about it… any advise?

I am set to marry my fiance in 8 months time. She means the world to me and I couldn’t imagine marrying anyone else. We are young, me 21M and her 20F. But we’ve known each other for 5 years and very much communicate well and work well together. I will start by saying I have had a really easy life, no trauma, no issues really other than bad anxiety. Never had anyone open up to me about them having trauma so have had to learn how to make space and process what a love one went through. My fiancé was sexually abused starting from the age of 5. Starting getting groomed online at age 9 and sexually assaulted at 13. Her life from age 5-20 basically has been sex. She’s on the spectrum but high functioning. But always struggled with connection and feeling loved. So through all the early trauma learned that her body was the only way for her to feel loved and wanted. She has been through so much, as has told me her nudes have been seen by over 100 people. A lot of this brings me so much anxiety because I don’t know how to process it. I love this girl so much and cannot wait to marry her. But I have already hurt her once early on into our relationship because I told her I can’t handle her past. I’ve been working on it in therapy but really want some advice or support. I’m trying to find maybe a specialized therapist or a support group of other trauma survivor partners. She deserves better from me and being able to talk to me about her trauma. But it seriously brings me so much anxiety and I just cannot imagine having gone through everything she’s gone through. Again I’ve had an easy life, so imagining all the horrible things she’s done through and feeling used and lonely and being preyed on my older teens and adults. It’s just a lot but I also know how much it will impact us being intimate in our marriage, we’re a Christian couple so waiting till marriage. If anyone reads this thank you. I just want to spend my life with her but learn how to handle and process her trauma and not feeling all these emotions and let it impact me so much. She’s been to therapy and said that she’s learned to deal with it and processed it. But obviously I haven’t, and I need help.

I’ve made a post before about my girlfriend’s (she’s now 26 years old) childhood rape trauma. I’m now looking for advice on boundaries/someone to talk to who understands, and looking for possible validation or whether or not I’m reasonable for expecting certain boundaries with her family.

On top of being raped almost everyday by a grown man at 10 years old for about a whole year (who did the same thing to her sister as well), my girlfriend also experienced child on child sexual assault from her siblings. Her older brothers (2 of them by 4 years older) molested her. They also molested her 1 year younger sister (now 25 years old). In turn, my girlfriend molested her sister, and her younger brother (4 years younger). This occurred when my girlfriend was about 12 years old I believe, so her older brothers were 16/17 at the time, and her younger brother was 8.

She carries deep shame from this, and feels like she is a rapist. I have reassured her that she is not, and what she did as a child in response to her trauma is not her fault. Growing up in an environment with inappropriate boundaries among adults and family will lead to a warped sense of what is right and wrong. She didn’t know anything better, and I don’t look at her differently because of it. I have made this known to her. She now knows that of course all of what happened was wrong and not okay.

What is burdening me is this: my girlfriend will make crude sexual jokes to her sister when we see her. It has happened almost every time. Her sister is now pregnant, so my girlfriend has joked about “sucking on her boobs for milk like the baby will”. I find this disturbing because this action was one act that occurred between her and her sister when they were molesting each other growing up. So to hear my partner joking to this about her sister makes me so uncomfortable.

Additionally, when we are with her family, there are little boundaries when it comes to sex talk. Most of them overshare, especially my partner’s mom (whose neglectful actions lead to her 2 daughters being raped by her boyfriend at the time - I have a lot of resentment for her mom because of this. Her boyfriend at the time pulled a knife on my partner’s aunt, so her mom’s sister, and my partner’s mom chose to remain in a relationship with this guy. Then, he goes on to rape her kids. Why tf wouldn’t she walk away after that?? That’s why I have resentment.)

Anyways, the last family gathering we were at, I’m not sure who started it but as a group they started joking about incest. I do not think that is funny at all given the history. I know some people deal with their trauma by joking about it, but as her partner, it’s hard to be around her siblings and family making jokes about incest when that’s what happened when they were young. I also have horrible intrusive thoughts with my OCD, and when I hear stuff like this my brain will then picture all the details of what happened that my girlfriend shared with me. I get even more disturbed and uncomfortable because of this. It’s something I’ve talked about in therapy, and I’m on meds, but I still can’t help but think about the fucked up shit she experienced. She trusts me a lot, so she’s shared a lot of details with me. I don’t fault her for that, I’m here to support her and listen to her story, at the same time knowing more details makes it so much harder for me to function in these circumstances.

What I’m looking for by posting this is feedback on whether me expecting boundaries around these topics when I’m present is okay and reasonable. I can’t control what she does, but I’m allowed to have boundaries for myself and what I’m comfortable being around. Something like:

“I know you and your family may have a different sense of humor, but knowing the history between you and your siblings makes sexual jokes between you and them feel very uncomfortable to me. I don’t feel comfortable hearing my partner make sexual comments like that toward a sibling, especially given what happened when you were younger. I’m not judging you for what happened as a child, because you were a child too. I’m talking about what feels appropriate to me now. I understand that this may be hard to hear. I’m not saying you’re a bad person or that I think there’s something wrong with you. I’m just being honest about something that makes me uncomfortable.”

I love my partner so much. What happened to her weighs on my heart so heavy, and I hurt for her. Every night she dreams about being raped by that man. I see everyday how deeply she is still affected and it breaks my heart. What happened to her is not her fault, and I have made all of this clear to her, she knows where I stand and my feelings on this. I’m an avid supporter and protector of her. These described behaviors that happen around me are deeply uncomfortable for me as her partner, and I want to be honest with her about that without making her feel bad.

Also, in case anyone is wondering, both of her older brothers have apologized to my partner for what they did as kids. My partner has never talked about it with her sister and younger brother though. But the older brothers have done some questionable/weirdly close things to my partners body since then. For example, one brother who she helped drive his car from California to Massachusetts, the first night she arrived he made her share a bed with him. She told me he started to cuddle her and she felt “something” on her lower back. She immediately got up and went to the bathroom, started crying, and called me. Just fucking weird. And the other brother is who we saw at a family gathering recently. He took her socks off, and shoved them in her face, “as a joke”. This all happened within 2 minutes while I was in the bathroom and could not exit right away when my girlfriend yelled “babe!” cause I was midstream peeing. Also weird as fuck. No respect for body boundaries. I feel guilty about this because I didn’t stop it or stand up for my girlfriend and her body boundaries even though I was right there, but stuck in the bathroom.

My bestfriend is an adult now but when she was around 14 yrs old an 18yr old man committed statutory rape and she had the worst experience with the police. Constantly taking her out of class everyday asking the same questions giving her the hardest time. She was constantly being asked my her classmates where she was going and these questions constantly reminding her of the assault. the police got nowhere after weeks, even with evidence. This took such a mental toll on her so she decided to drop the case.

Now, as an adult shes been so traumatized by that event she has troubles with dating and intimacy with others. She now wants to press charges again but she called the police and they gave her the hardest time as possible. Being so rude to her and switching her to other departments in the middle of her talking. Shes getting reminded of her difficult time with the police in the past and shes trying to give up again. Is there anything she can do or what resources would you all recommend??? The police is genuinely not working out.

TLDR: GF lied about extent of SA by friend when it was actually rape, she disclosed 8 months later. When I asked if I should be STI tested, never filed police report, still won’t talk about it except generalizations, swears she never cheated, what do I do? I never asked for a full account. I’m having a hard time ignoring thoughts of infidelity stemming from lies and betrayal about it from the beginning. Really conflicted. She’s always been honest and open about everything.

Here’s the deal, while my GF (37F) and I (43M) were at the beginning of our relationship (we are almost a year in now) we both declared as non-exclusive as we had both recently come out of long term relationships and both wanted to just find connection with people rather than just jump back into anything serious. It was pretty apparent after about a month of that we were both pretty deeply in love with each other. It’s truly been like a fairy tale. Communication is off the charts, we work through issues together. I’ve never loved or been loved like this before. Didn’t know it existed. Like nothing either of us had experienced before. To this day it’s the same, still like nothing we had experienced in any previous relationship. And that makes this that much more difficult for me. I’m looking for opinions as i can’t remove myself from the situation enough to logically or emotionally come to a conclusion.

In our bid for connection with people (call it validation if you want) of the opposite sex we both met and hung out with some great people. Ultimately, the mutual attraction in all aspects was too strong for both of us and we started dating exclusively. We talked together lots about the different people we had met. One of the guys she met, she told me that from the very beginning that she had zero desire for him aside from friendship. Having a male platonic friend is something she says she’s never had and something that she desperately wanted because of her complicated relationship with every man in her life (dad left and was absent, past partners were controlling, abusive, felt no one actually made the effort to really know her) so a goal of hers was to find and confirm that there are in fact good men out there that want nothing more than friendship in a woman. I was open to this as I have many platonic female friends that are some of my closest confidants. I can say with certainty ( for me anyway) that yes opposite sex relationships can be strictly platonic.

Shortly after we declared our exclusivity in our relationship, she told me a couple days before, that she was going to see her friend in his town. I was ok with it, but a little leery as she left after work, planned on staying the night and the plans involved some hiking, dinner, mushrooms, talking about life (as they apparently had good conversations about that since they met) and hanging out. As the day approached I was increasingly bothered by the whole thing. Not the fact that she was trying to have a male friend, but that it involved an overnight stay and some psychedelics. We had a long talk about it. She reassured me up and down that she had made it clear to this guy that she only wanted friendship and he swore up and down that he wanted the same. She told me that if I asked her not to go she would respect that. There was no anger or pleading, just flat out would respect my ask and not go. I wrestled with that and knew how hypocritical it would be of me to say don’t go while many of my friends are women and she’s never once been anything but interested and kind about that, even when I’ve gone for coffee, lunch, dinner with them.

She goes down to his house. She updates me about dinner and such. We FaceTime at one point around 0100 or so. We say goodnight. The next morning I get a call from her bawling. She tells me that at dinner she gave him a heartfelt card expressing her gratitude for him having shown her that there are good men out there and she appreciates his friendship and everything was good. Later in the night after we had FaceTimed, she said that while in a whipit, she woke up to him with his hand on her thigh. She said she hadn’t consented. He then proceeds to tell her that he was in love with her since the very beginning. She said at that point she went to bed crying, got up in the morning, he tried to talk to her to explain and apologize and she left. On her way back, she couldn’t stop crying because she felt so embarrassed that her instincts about his intent were so wrong, that she was lied to and crushed. I asked a few simple
questions that she answered. I asked if anything else happened she said no and the trauma of being taken advantage of, the embarrassment of letting herself down and feeling naive and she didn’t want to really talk about it more. I asked her about calling the cops she said it would be a he said/she said situation complicated by intoxication which is fair and I didn’t press the issue. I said when ever she wanted to talk about it I’d be there to listen.

Fast forward to a few months later, during a conversation about sex, she tells me about a few grey area situations she’s found herself in through her past and the shame and guilt she carries from that one of them happened after her separation. She tells me that she didn’t tell me the whole story about her sexual assault from her friend. Immediately I spiral, knowing that she’s lied to me. I ask her what happened. She says it was more than his hand on her thigh but she doesn’t want to relive it. She’s defensive because she thinks I’ll blame her for what happened (which I didn’t). Consent is consent. And if you can’t consent it’s rape. Turns into this big argument. In my mind what happened to her is a separate issue from what she lied to me about. She simply could have said something traumatic happened and she doesn’t want to talk about it. We cool down and talk about it. She understands my stance about being lied to and I reaffirm my belief that she was raped. She still hasn’t detailed it to me, hasn’t reported it or told anyone. Classically she is an avoidant person and doesn’t want to relive it, which I can sympathize with. A few weeks ago I brought it up and it’s been the topic of conversation ever since. In the mean time without asking for details, I asked if I had to get tested for STI’s. She never answered me until I asked a 3rd time the other day. She says yes.

So now my worst fears have come true, I’ve been lied to by someone I love deeply and that person has been hurt by someone and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have some pretty deeply seeded trust issues from childhood and past relationships and being lied to by her was the last thing on my bingo card l, ever.

So, here I am, extremely hurt because she lied me in the first place, that she didn’t have the strength to tell me (without details) that I have to get tested for disease due to something I had part in. I’ve been cheated on by partners in the past and I’m super wary of it and that betrayal. I truly don’t know what to do. She’s offered to go to couples counselling and she’s since said she’s unsure now. I do love her, people make mistakes (her lying to protect herself from the trauma), but I’m struggling with the fact that she lied to me, then didn’t tell me to get tested. This whole thing has caused a big wedge between us. I’m feeling cool towards her and it really bothers me because I want to not put anything on her and support her. If she was raped how can I support her best even though I feel betrayed by the lies? I feel pretty damn violated (because of the STI risk) . She swears up and down that she didn’t cheat on me. With the lie and omission that jeopardizes my health, I’m wrestling to keep my emotions separate from trying to support her any way I can

Sorry for such a long story, I felt it was important to really lay it all out before people form any opinions. Appreciate people listening.

hello all,

my marriage reached a breaking point this weekend. my research indicates it's called "caregiver burnout" or "compassion fatigue" - basically, my wife's emotional needs have always trumped mine, and often when I express an emotional need, I get frozen out. Somehow the conversation always cycles back to her needs, or the fact that she's afraid, or any number of excuses as to why she can't emotionally attune to me.

it doesn't help that I have attachment issues as well.

I remember reading in "allies in healing" (I think) that the author basically said "you cope with the insanity or you leave... and one day it might get better." But right now she's left to stay with a friend. I guess this could be the end for us, but she left me a message saying that we need help. Maybe this is just the wakeup call we both needed to take this seriously. Because, to be honest, neither of us had been investing enough time/energy into our respective issues.

Eh, maybe I've answered my own question.

hello all,

I just discovered the concept of secondary survivors. Going through my own form of caregiver burnout and crashing out due to strain.

Just wanted to basically say "hi" and also ask if there are similar subreddits or other forums that people would recommend, specifically groups where spouses are welcome.

a while ago my friend(11F at the time) was SA'd by a man, i will not go into the details but he was caught and spent tears in jail

and was released a week ago

he tried to aproach me today, asking for money to buy cigarettes

i ignored him and went on the swing, hes currently sitting a bit of a distance away on the bench, i could go home, but im afraid he will follow me and now he knows were i live, i could call my dad to pick me up on the car, but he could follow me on his motorcycle, now he knows what our car looks like, i could wait 4 hours and have my dad pick me up for guitar, and now he knows were i go to guitar i dont know what to do

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. We originally met on a dating app and instantly bonded over our shared hobbies, interests, and the fact that we both grew up in multiple different care homes. For our entire relationship she has been incredibly supportive of my transition and she herself identifies as bisexual.

When my girlfriend was 14, she met a man on the app Amino. At the time he was well over 20 years old. Once she was out of care and back with her parents she spent most of her time living with this man. The relationship was horrific: he hit her, raped her, and cheated on her with multiple other underage girls.

She has kept pictures that prove he knew their ages and documenting the abuse so I can verify that everything she went through is entirely real. She finally cut contact with him when she turned 18.

A few weeks ago she mentioned that he had sent her a friend request on Discord. (I know his username because it’s the same across all platforms and she had told me about it). She told me about the request but she did not tell me she accepted it...

I only found out the truth this week. I am currently staying over at her place for a week. While she was playing a shooter on her PC I heard a man's voice. I looked at the screen saw his username and realized they were playing together. I was genuinely shocked and had no idea what to do.

When I confronted her about it she immediately defended him. She told me that his actions "aren't his fault because he has a mental illness" and claimed that he has "changed" despite the fact that he has countless victims.

I have a very rigid sense of justice so I ended up raising my voice at her louder than I intended to. I apologized for yelling right away. Instead of acknowledging my apology or the situation she insulted me. She said that if I had just stayed a man maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to get in contact with this person.

My stomach completely sank. Like I told she identifies as bi and has been nothing but supportive of my transition for two years. It felt like it came out of nowhere.

I am still staying at her place and I am at loss and confusion. She is acting like absolutely nothing happened. Since the argument we’ve gone outside, bought books and manga, and went out for dinner as if everything is perfectly normal. At dinner I tried to bring the situation up again and she bluntly told me she does not want to talk about it.

I feel incredibly hurt, confused, uncomfortable and frankly disgusted. How do I react to this further? Why would she say something so cruel and defend someone like this?

TL;DR: My girlfriend secretly started gaming with the older man who severely abused her when she was a minor. When I caught them and confronted her she defended him excused his past and told me that if I hadn't transitioned (I am MTF) she wouldn't have felt the need to talk to him. I am currently staying at her apartment she is acting like everything is normal and she refuses to discuss it.

for some context, me and my girlfriend have been together for almost a year. we're both girls, and she's asexual while I'm demisexual. my girlfriend was assaulted by her ex girlfriend multiple times, and still has some flashbacks to this day (it was about two or three years ago)
now, her and I have always been very clear with each other about our boundaries. I'm waiting until marriage for religious reasons, and she does not want to have sex any time in the near future for many reasons, mainly because she's asexual, and because of the trauma with her ex.

last night her and I had been talking about taking a trip to the city this spring to go to some book stores. we've been discussing this for months, but just last night I suggested we look into getting a hotel for at least one night so that we can have uninterrupted alone time, so we can cuddle and read. sounds super corny, but that's genuinely what we've been talking about doing for ages.
now, like I stated, I'm demisexual. which, in short, means I don't feel sexual attraction without a strong emotional connection. and I feel that connection with her. I am so, so in love with her, and she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. but in the last couple weeks I've had some thoughts about the possibility of having sex with her. not anytime soon, just in general. and I feel horrible for feeling that way.
with her ex, she had made it clear to her that she didn't want anything sexual. and despite the fact that her ex told her that she felt the same way, she still assaulted her multiple times.
which is why I feel so shitty for thinking about this. not only because acting on these thoughts would cross her boundaries, but doing so would also make me into the person I hate most in this entire world.
her ex traumatized her badly. not only because she assaulted her, but because she lied about feeling no sexual attraction to her. and I feel like shit when the thought crosses my mind.
the reason my conversation about hotels is relevant to this is because since that conversation, I keep thinking about it. and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself.
knowing her boundaries, I would never, ever try to initiate anything unless she wanted to. but I still feel horrible for just thinking about it. I haven't brought it up with her either, purely because I don't want to upset her or make her worry that I'll assault her.

so I'm posting in here mainly to ask if it's right that I feel guilty for this, and if I should talk to her or if I should just keep it to myself.

(also, this is a throw away account, and reddit chose my username. I am not aromantic, that's what was in my username)

Hello everyone,

I have compiled a book of my poetry surrounding my sons sexual abuse. I plan on publishing it some time soon. Once it is completed I would love some feedback from caregivers or loved ones of children specifically who have been molested. I want it to bring comfort to those going through a terrible situation that is not spoken about or well understood. If you are interested please send me a DM and I will send you a NDA and a rough draft. Thank you.

My girlfriend has severe sex trauma to the point where some days she never wants to be touched. She wants to engage with sex and sometimes her mind is there but her body goes into fear response and often it is too difficult. We are both students and can’t afford therapy. More sex is not the goal for me I want to her be comfortable and safe in her own skin. How can I help her heal and move forward. I can provide more context if needed.

TLDR; My partner experienced grooming and CSA by his father’s friend and his uncle, and his family does not seem to care.

Hi everyone,

Would really love advice on how I should proceed in what’s an extremely delicate and terrifying situation.

I (29F) have been with my partner (28M) for almost three years. He lived with me for about a year, then moved back to his parents after I asked him for space due to his issues with honesty. He’d lie like a child about the dumbest things, and it really hurt me. He was never overtly cruel, but was careless and childishly self-indulgent and selfish. I could tell there was a severe inner battle for control over himself, and his self-directed frustration as losing it. I know he loves me deeply, it’s something I feel in my chest, but I needed space.

A few months before he moved out, he shared something from the depths of him that has been extremely hard to sit quietly with. Two men had groomed and sexually assaulted him in his childhood. From about 5-7 years old, it was his dad’s close friend, and from middle to some of high school, his own uncle (mother’s brother). I met both of these monsters, and had spent a lot of time with his uncle. I will never forget his fear telling me, everything about that day. There aren’t any words to describe the heartbreak for him, fury toward them. The helplessness.
I’m skipping over a lot to make this post digestable, but happy to answer any and all questions.

It’s been a year since he told me. I felt terribly when I needed space, because it felt like I was condemning him to move back to the place where he had survived horrific things. But how he was acting was deeply hurting me, and we had hit a block. His parents are…something. On the surface, they look like an ideal, fun, close family. Dad is in state law enforcement, mom works a solid job from home, younger brother also in law enforcement. They spend quality time together, but over time, you start to notice it revolves around drinking, and drinking a lot. Especially his mom.

At one point when he lived with me, he mentioned his mom was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to him and his brother growing up. That stuck with me, because although she seems nice from a distance, there’s something off that’s so hard to put a finger on.
Something that always stuck out to me is that his parents seem to let my partner get away with things simply because they don’t care. He dropped out of college, they pay his bills, they don’t ever actually set expectations for him and hold their ground. His mom will scream at him and suddenly lose her shit, but then everything just kinda falls back into place and that’s it. Then they just avoid each other for months while living in the same house. I come from dysfunction, but open-air dysfunction. There’s something kinda darker about this.

As for what my partner shared with me about what he survived, I encouraged him gently to tell his parents. He did tell them about his father’s best friend. I was sure he’d go kill him. My partner told me they held him and were incredibly compassionate. And I thought, at least they believed him. I gave space to the subject, because he said they were going to go to therapy as a family and I felt it wasn’t my place to check-in. I felt so happy knowing he wasn’t alone, and was getting help.

I’ve gently encouraged him sharing about his uncle, knowing that his mom is extremely close to him and he’s around a lot. He ended up telling them that there’s someone in the family who also sexually abused him, but that he couldn’t say who. I could feel him distancing himself from me if I ever brought it up, so I stopped. But he kept distancing himself from me nontheless. He tells me all the things, but I feel like he’s tearing into different people. Sinking into that house. It’s terrifying.

Pausing here to say that what his uncle did spanned the course of years, and I don’t have any words for how unimaginable the horror is of grooming and CSA.
Fast forward, his mom tells me in a sing-song casual voice that they went to a Christmas party that (dad’s friend) was at. In response to my shock, she waved a dismissive hand and said “Oh, it’s fine, (partner) didn’t go. We just told everyone that he was sick.” In that moment, I had a sinking feeling of deeper understanding. I asked quietly “Has (partner) ever told you the family member?” And she looked at me with the blankest face I’ve ever seen and said in a mostly empty voice with a touch of almost amusement “No…but I have a guess. Probably my father? You know, he had dementia…”

That’s when I knew. I don’t think he can tell her about his uncle. I don’t think I’d be able to either. This was the scariest web of abuse I’d ever seen. I’m sure it exists all over the place, but holy shit. Holy shit.

They are in therapy… but a therapist that his mom found, a psychiatrist she’s close to. Because “he needs help, medication.”

I worked with children for years, and their safety means everything to me. I have told my mom and some of my best friends about what my partner shared with me (with his permission and even encouragement), and they at this point have started to encourage me to consider reporting his abusers. My mom has held him crying, and my best friend has been there for him. But he’s distanced himself from all of them, and I feel like I can’t feel him anymore, if that makes sense.

His uncle’s wife works at an elementary/middle school, and he’s had stints of volunteering at a Boys and Girls club. He follows the trope of “pillar of the community” - retired from an executive position in corporate America, travels, blah blah blah. And the father’s friend is law enforcement.

Yeah. When you hear stories of monsters being caught having destroyed countless lives, a question I and many others have wondered is “how could people have known and not said anything?”

That has been absolutely haunting me.

If anyone can help me actually figure out how to report this in a way that is actually meaningful and actionable, I would appreciate it tremendously. My friends and family have expressed concern for my safety, given that one of the abusers is retired law enforcement, and the financial power of his uncle. I am willing to risk myself, but want to do so in a way that’s actually likely to lead to action being taken.

Before anyone says I’m taking away his agency - please know I’ve struggled so deeply with this for over a year. I really understand that perspective, deeply. Trust, consent, and respecting another person’s autonomy are values I hold extremely close. I’ve read as much as I could about the psychology of CSA trauma. One thing that became painfully clear is that his abusers stripped away his agency long before I entered his life. That’s part of what makes this so ethically difficult.

I also have to clarify that this isn’t something I’m considering behind his back. A few months ago, I told him how much I was haunted by that other children are at risk and asked him gently how he would feel if I reported it. He held me while we both cried and told me that he doesn’t have it in him to do it himself right now, but that I should do whatever I felt was right. I still don’t know what the right answer is. That’s why I’m here asking for advice rather than acting impulsively.

It’s tricky for many reasons, given that a) I’m not the victim of these monsters b) His uncle now lives in a different state then where he groomed and assaulted my partner, though he travels back and forth frequently c) I want to report this to stop the cycle, but also do feel the weight of it not being my story to share. That’s why I gave him and his family time… but I now see that his parents, especially his mom, are a nightmare.

What do I do?

hi all

My partner recently disclosed to me instances of sexual assault in their childhood, by their four years older brother. They haven't told anyone before and didn't share many details before they wanted to stop talking about it.

They aren't particularly close with their brother at this point in their life. They've been wanting to be closer and in the past few months have been talking to him more.

Just wondering how you support partners/loved ones in their decision to be close with someone who had harmed them? I understand they were both children/teens though not sure the ages, but want to be able to say the right things to support them. again we didn't talk about it too too much beyond the initial disclosure, but they had expressed fear about wanting me to not hate this person too. also fear about what would happen when we one day have children. she mentioned that they have also never spoken about it.

thank you for your support, just want to be a good partner here but feel confused as to how to seek advice as i obviously dont want to tell anyone in my life about it and violate my partners trust.

Hello,

My wife was abused as a child nearly 30 years ago by a family member. It is something her brain protected her from until recently. It has been a very difficult time for her coming to terms with what happened, understandably so.

She is in a place now where she would like to move forward with seeking legal action against her abuser.

In doing some initial research I am concerned about a lack of evidence in the eyes of the law. She feels certain there are pictures of her that he has however. He is a pastor and the way he was so methodical with her and the access he has to other children, I have no doubt he has done this to others and there is probably a trove of evidence in his home.

Are lawyers able to obtain evidence like this? Would it make more sense to go to the FBI first? I am trying to identify a good path to move forward on this to ensure she gets the justice she deserves. I have seen several cases of the predators not being found guilty so I want to ensure this doesn't happen for her.

My apologies if this post is not allowed, she has asked me to help figure this all out for her as it is difficult for her to organize things surrounding this right now.

Any advice and direction is greatly appreciated!

Hello all..... Not sure why I'm posting, maybe I'm trying to get advice, maybe I just need to get it written down and off my chest. Anyways here goes: my wife was sexually abused when she was 6, by her 12 year old brother. She's never been comfortable around him and always refused to be near him or hug him at family events(obviously). Her mom has always minimized it basically like denying that CYS ever took her, and "that didn't happen" , and "if it did it wasnt that bad", "he was just experimenting" Basically always protected the abuser. I've always felt that a 12 year old would know that what they were doing was fucked up. Well anyways yeah when she was 7 she told a social worker that came into school and CYS got involved, family went through therapy and it sounds like because of his age, no real consequences could be applied legally. Fast forward to her teenage years, he was physically abusive, and she was told not to tell anyone bc his life (then as a young adult) would be ruined. Suffice to say, we don't want him near our kids now a days. He's always given me the creeps but I tolerated conversations with him bc I didn't want to like make a scene or whatever. Recently at a family event he blew the fuck up and started shouting and was pissed bc we didn't want him picking our kids up, and so we left as he was hollering at us and blowing up at a public event. Our kids also looked scared when he was yelling. Their mom got in my wife's face asking why he can't pick our kids up, and my wife says "you know why!!" And then she goes on to minimize and tells my wife to move on bc she went thru the same stuff with her brother and she forgave him and blah blah blah.(Childhood sexual abuse goes back 4 generations in her family) And then she did her usual minimization routine. Well now we are cutting mom and brother off, and are being accused of tearing the family apart...... Well in the aftermath, a cousin confided in us that the same thing happened to her, perpetrated by the brother as well. This brother has also done strange things like try and take our son potty without asking permission from us and that to us was a red flag. He also tries too hard to be silly with other kids in the family, always has to pick them, put them on his shoulder, trying to buy affection with snacks, just always giving us the ick.

Anyone else deal with a similar situation? We feel like even if we are wrong about the brother, and maybe he isn't a predator as an adult, better safe than sorry, and we don't want him anywhere near our kids.

My father (59) is having this phase that has been going for years now , where he is mentally and physically abusing my mom at night due to her snoring.

He constantly insults violently my mom and when she shows any form of clap back he abuses her physically.

He insists that her snoring is dine deliberately to disturb him and that she's trying to exhaust him mentally so he retaliate on her by depriving her of any peace at night.

I'm (F23) in a constant state of hyperventilence cuz I'm afraid he light hurt her badly, i tried reasoning with him so that he wears his ear buds, sleep early , sleep in a different room.

But his response is the same " it's her fault, i can't wear ear buds they hurt, i can't sleep early i have stuff to do , i can not let her sleep in an other room it's unexeptable"

He complains from the situation however he is the principal culprit.

I need help to reason with him or any tips please I'm desperate for help to protect my mom whose sleep deprivation is hurting her badly and giving her bad thoughts.

.This is probably going to be long winded but the last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions that I’m not sure how to process. Bit of background: two years ago, my husband (then fiance) told me he was involved in a scam on social media where someone sent him a picture of their breasts and asked to see his penis in return. Well he did it and then they threatened to tell me and all of his friends on the social media platform if he did not pay them… he paid them but then somehow they got even more money without him sending it? I was obviously heartbroken at the fact that he was so easily swayed to participate in this but I was trying to get over it after he told me nothing like this had ever happened before. Anyways, a day or two goes by and my obviously curious and pissed off mind decided to go through his phone while he was sleeping and found a TON of pictures and videos of his penis/him masturbating in his hidden pictures file… I flipped. Because who tf were you sending these to? Well then he tells me that he was sexually assaulted as a child and something about him really liking the way his own penis looks? He would not tell me to SA’d him, only that it was someone I had met before. I don’t know how but we got through it.

Fast forward to now. I was woken up really early a few nights ago by our baby and couldn’t go back to sleep and my mind got the best of me thinking back to all of this. Curiosity definitely killed the cat in this case because I again went through his phone but this time I found that he has a Grindr account and has been messaging with multiple men on there exchanging pictures of themselves and videos of them masturbating and talking so dirty to each other. He spoke to these men about trying to meet up but it doesn’t look like it ever happened based on what I read. I also found saved pictures in his hidden picture folder of not only other men’s penis’s but naked pictures of his ex AND MY BEST FRIEND. I left the house at 330am and went to a gas station and cried. Came home around 430am and he asked me what was wrong but I ignored him and walked into the bathroom attached to our bedroom and got into the shower to get ready to go to the grocery store. He read the texts I’d sent when I had left earlier and came into the bathroom to talk to me. He told me that it was his cousin who SA’d him as a young child for quite a while and now he’s got a thing where he finds a penis attractive… says he’s not sexually attracted to a man, but likes the way a penis looks. But who’s to say 20 years from now he won’t admit that he’s been suppressing his feelings for men and leave me for a man then.

I’m struggling because I am the only one who knows about what happened to him as a child and it’s obviously fucked with him… but at the same time all of this has been taking place the majority of our relationship, 8 YEARS. I found messages up to 6 years ago. So while we were engaged, while I was pregnant and just days after we got married. I can’t help but wonder if he is telling the truth about never meeting with any of these people because when he got caught up 2 years ago, he told me he had never done anything like that before but in reality he has been doing it for years.

He told me he would do whatever he had to do to prove to me that myself and our baby are all he cares about, including going to the life crisis center to talk to a therapist, deleting all social media and whatever else I could think of, but I am feeling stuck. I am trying to be non-judgmental and I want to be supportive because I am literally the only person in the world who knows what happened to him and who did it… I also know talking about it to a stranger is going to be difficult but I am also livid. I feel betrayed and I feel stupid for staying with him after it happened 2 years ago.

Does anyone have any experience with something similar? I have an appointment set up with my own therapist because this isn’t something I can talk to friends about like I did 2 years ago but my mind is just racing most days worrying what he is doing.

I made a post yesterday for advice on supporting my husband after revealing his childhood SA. However, I need advice for myself as well. He has been taking his intense rage out on me. In the 2 weeks since telling me he has had a few outbursts where he tells me he hates me, that I suck, or that he wishes I'd pack my things and leave. Later he'll sometimes swing to saying he's a cancer and a terrible person who ruins everything he touches.

He also insists I "utterly failed" him after he disclosed.
He has such venom in his voice and hatred, and since the two bigger outbursts I have felt horrible and I don't know even how to describe it or what to do about it. I feel like a rock is smashing my chest or something is burning in it and I don't want to be near him. I hate being in the house with him. I hear his words saying that the way I'm supporting him
"disgusts him" and that "our help hurts him" on repeat in my head with the poisonous way he said it, then being yanked into feeling so sad and sorry for what happened to him and imagining him so scared as a child on a loop on my head.

He quit his job recently and I was laid off, so we do not have insurance for him to go to therapy so it feels like limbo. So I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to support him however I can. I've been coordinating with his family (with his permission), checking in constantly, listening, reassuring him, and trying to be present. But he says everyone failed him, despite everyone trying very hard to be there.

I know that he is feeling so much trauma, grief, and decades of pain, and I don't want to minimize what he's going through. But I feel he has done irreparable damage to our relationship. I'm crying every day and worse starting to feel afraid.

Are these feelings reparable? I want to believe they are but it feels like they will never go away. That I will hear his hateful voice telling me how horrible I am and how much I "fucked up" supporting him and "could barely handle" something he had to handle for decades every time I look at him and I don't know what to do.

My gf told me (m21) she was raped and I am having an unbelievably hard time coping with this. I myself have anxiety, depression, OCD and I’m hypomanic. The OCD plays into this most because from the moment I get up to the moment I go to sleep all I see is vivid intrusive images of what happened to her. My brain invents everything but bases it off of little details she’s told me. My OCD is completely obsessed with this event. When I say think about it all day, I quite literally mean ALL DAY. No matter if I’m bored or busy. I think about everything. How it happened, why it happened (I know there’s no answer), how it felt for her, what it was like the day of, what it was like after a year, how it changed her. Oh my goodness the list just goes on. It’s genuinely sickening.

I’m honestly struggling on how to go on living. I genuinely don’t know how I can live a normal life with this. I know the classic stuff of this is not your burden to carry, but in my experience it just doesn’t work that way in my brain. It’s really affected me deeply. I love her so dearly, but I can tell this is putting a huge strain on the relationship because of my mental conditions and how it plays into this.

It happened years ago for her. I believe it was someone in her friend group, or even multiple people. She is extremely dissociative so there is obviously no room for me to feel the way I feel since it brings up huge emotions for her that I don’t think have been processed. It pains me so much when she says things like that it never gets better, just more bearable. She always feels disgusted with herself. And showers profusely after anything physical we do but she insists that it doesn’t bring anything up for her. She swears that it doesn’t trigger anything but I just don’t believe that’s the case.

Guys, please help me. I don’t know how to go on. I don’t know how I can take care of her needs and mine. I’m seeing a therapist and I’m on medication, but nothing seems to help. Please if anyone has any guidance or even any words please reply. It’s so fucking painful.

My husband recently disclosed decades old SA as a young child. I knew some bad stuff had happened (his mom was a drug addict), but had no idea about this. I immediately told him I believed him, nothing was his fault, he’s safe, and I was glad he finally told me.

I have no idea how to support someone through something this significant, so I started googling everything I could. I guess I was too much the next day, and he tells me he doesn’t want to be treated differently. I don’t really understand what that means bc I feel like I need to be there for him.

It’s important to know there are a bunch of other stressors. He surprisingly left his job to start his own company and has been insanely stressed then had a falling out with his dad. His dad would not respond even when my husband tried to apologize. He broke down, blocked his family, told them he was leaving the family and disclosed everything to me that evening. He only told only his stepmom so she could help repair things with his dad, but he has been adamant that we cannot tell his dad (we haven’t and won’t).

For the next week I spent hours every day talking with his parents, trying to shield him from the conflict (I am also the only number they can reach now), and trying to get his dad to call him back. And I never really processed anything bc of going straight into all this crisis-management so on Father’s Day I accidentally broke down crying and tried to hide outside (about what he told me and also bc it’s a hard day for me personally). He saw me and believed that was me “giving up” helping him because I “couldn’t even handle it for a week.”

It absolutely wasn’t that, but he keeps repeating it, and told me and his stepmom that we have “utterly failed supporting him” after he shared this. He had an outburst a couple nights ago yelling that he hated me, I suck, and he wished I’d pack my things and leave. I am starting to fall apart now because I cannot be a punching bag and a target of intense rage. And it’s making me angrier every day that this is all meant for his father who will never have to deal with it. I can’t go on thinking he believes I utterly failed him in this moment.

I asked him to tell us why he feels that way but I’m not sure what he means bc we are trying our best to support him:

-He said he thought telling us would make him feel more loved, but instead he feels “so much worse” and the help he received is “not fucking help.”

-He feels like he ended up taking care of everyone else after disclosing instead of being cared for (I think he means having to apologize to his dad to get him on the phone): “I'm the one going around apologizing and trying to figure out how I can make everything right that is so disgusting. It disgusts me.”

-When we suggested finding a trauma therapist in addition to us supporting him (bc I anticipate I will make mistakes a therapist wouldn’t) he said:
“When I am asking everyone for help and their answer is maybe you should go talk to somebody else, that is an insane response. Yeah, try therapy again even though it's failed you a thousand other times. Because that's all you can think of.”

-He now says, “I don’t want your help because your help hurts me.”

I don’t know what that means and the closest explanation is that he said he thought it would be like in movies or tv shows where the family drops everything to help him, but that’s all a lie. What am I missing? During hard times I’ve had, the response from my family my whole life has basically been “get over it.” So from my perspective, his parents have called him, his stepmom and stepbrother have checked on him almost daily, and I’ve been doing everything I can think of. Yet he says we completely fumbled the most important moment of his life.

THANK YOU for reading and any advice is appreciated so much.

TLDR: My husband disclosed SA as a child 2 weeks ago and since then he’s been having panic attacks, episodes of intense rage/yelling, and telling me and his family we completely failed him after he told us. He says suggesting therapy and trying to help made him feel less loved, not more, and that he no longer wants our help because it “hurts him.” I feel completely lost. Can anyone help with what he might be trying to ask for?