The embarrassment is honesty devastating

[u/ShowSea4115]

I have had SM since I was 7. I’m 21 now and getting my bachelors degree. In some ways I have gotten better but recently I’ve been avoiding people more and it’s made a lot of old feelings and habits come back.

I got stuck with what essentially is a seminar class this semester. I had to switch out of a class last minute and this was the only one available.

First day rolls around and I’m feeling OK, thinking that since this is a small group this won’t be so bad and I can just push through it and maybe this could be good for me. I was so wrong

We were handed this “game” activity where we had to work together as a team toward a common goal. I’ll admit the activity was quite complex and involved holding a lot of info in the working memory. This activity was unrelated to coursework and just a team building exercise.

When I get really nervous, it gets hard for me to break down complex instructions on the spot. Once I started reading the handout I was soon PANICKING. Everything kept jumbling together and not making sense. At this moment I felt completely screwed and like I was just about to piss everyone off with my incompetence.

We went around the room describing our roles. I was last. I swear my whole body tensed up and I felt like I was choking. I got out some words about my role but there were many long pauses between phrases. It was so fucking embarrassing. I felt like everyone probably thought i was the dumbest person they’ve ever encountered. Everyone kind of ignored me after that. I did speak up at some points to get the activity moving but I don’t think it was enough to earn a passing grade.

I have to go back on Tuesday and I’m honestly terrified. I feel so ashamed about myself. I feel like I just need to “grow the f up” and I am truly trying. I don’t know what I’m going to do this semester. I feel so dumb and incapable. I want to hide forever

[u/Large_Head5821]

can you talk to (email) the professor / whoever’s in charge of it? maybe they can make some adjustments for you? also 21 and I feel you

[u/ShowSea4115 → u/Large_Head5821]

I was thinking about doing that, but I don’t have SAS accommodations, so I’m worried that reaching out about this might makes things worse for me. Thank you so much for your reply though.

[u/mostly_atoms → u/ShowSea4115]

could you apply for SAS accommodations now (if they would help)? I imagine a lot of schools would allow applying part way through a semester. a kind and understanding professor might try to work with you even without official accommodations but that would depend strongly on what type of person they are.

[u/turtlewick]

I’m really sorry this happened. As hard as it is, try not to hold yourself to a standard that doesn't also account for your individual experience. You're recovering from years of SM, which affects our ability to communicate fluently and with confidence. And while people may judge the presentation of these traits, they’re only judging from the surface of what they can see without fully knowing you. But you know yourself and your story, so you don’t have to apply those same judgments to yourself. Try to give yourself some grace.

I also agree with what others have said about looking into accommodations. In the meantime, it might help to explain your situation to your professor and/or classmates without revealing more than you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to disclose having SM, you could casually mention that public-speaking causes you to freeze up, and you understand the material even if it doesn’t come across that way.

[u/Extension-Ferret-251]

”I’m 21 now and getting my bachelors degree.”

You are doing great. You got this!

[u/OkTitle]

The high-participation and seminar style courses I took were pretty rough - having that kind of panic.

…but then it did get better, and now I can more or less handle that kind of thing, although I am not the most talkative. And I’m glad even for the awkward difficult times I went through that brought me here, post-graduation.

All those negative thoughts about yourself (so familiar to me back then) are untrue - you are trying and enduring through difficulty that few can understand. That can be isolating - so I ask you to be gentle with yourself. It will take time, patience, and self-compassion to improve. You are capable of this. Every imperfect step forward is still a step forward to celebrate.