Wtf is wrong with me

[u/RutabagaOk3599]

Hi, I'm a 17 year old struggling with everything. I dont know what is wrong with me so if you have time, read my sloppy rant. 

 

The reason why Im writing this is because i failed my UCAT (the exam you need to take in order to get into med school). But it was my fault. I am aware that i had the whole summer, 8 weeks, to prepare for it yet i didn't. I was aware that this isnt like the other past tests were i could just cram for but i didnt do anything. I procrastinated the whole time. Every. Single. Day i told myself i would do something, to start but i would be like 'in 5 minutes' or id sit in my desk with the questions in front of me and id be paralyzed. I just couldnt start. I wanted to, trust me 

It has always been like this. My Year 12 mocks I just revised on the day and got predicted A,C,D (Im aware this is bad but im not suprised anymore, this is what I expected).  For my GCSEs (Exams to past high school) I only revised on the day or the day before. I know it seems like im not taking any of this seriously but i know how important they are for my future. Ive been doing this, procrastinating, not revising for like forever. The earliest i remember neglecting my schoolwork was when I was 10. I was supposed to be doing SAT revision. I didnt. I remember my mum buying and telling me to complete the CGP books, I never did. From then on, throughout highschool and now in college i always leave homework until the last minute and not studying for my tests. I cant help it. Ive tried the pomodoro technique, leaving all my electronics in another room, created a timetable ect but NOTHING works. I end up zoning out or daydreaming. 

Knowing my family has ungodly expectations of my doesnt help either. I havent told my mum what I got in my UCAT. Ive been avoiding her all day, she knows ive failed. The whole day after my test ive been doomscrolling trying to forget the genuine anguish i feel after failing, I can burst into tears at any moment, even now as im typing im trying to hold them in. I really want to harm myself but I know i cant because ill get blood on my clothes and idk how to explain that to my mum. So i just settle with imagining daggers digging into my arms to alleviate the feeling. 

So what im trying to get at is, why am I like this? Can i change it? I need answers because im actually going insane. Why do I have to be like this I really wanna kms. 

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[u/Killy_netsphere]

What you are doing now is face your consequences you will first talk to ur mom and then stare at a wall for the rest of your day 

You are running away right now stop and start running toward something again 

Trust me bro