I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and I really need some outside perspective because I feel completely emotionally exhausted and don’t know what to do anymore.
Throughout our relationship there have been repeated cycles involving substances/alcohol. Things happen, we have difficult conversations, he stops for a while and things get better, and eventually we end up back in a similar place.
More recently things became much more serious. About two months ago I discovered problems involving codeine, significant debt and secrecy. He had actually been offered addiction counselling but cancelled it because he decided he didn’t need it anymore.
Despite being incredibly hurt, I’ve tried really hard to separate the addiction from the person I know and love and support him rather than judge him.
Things came to a head around my birthday last weekend.
On my birthday I was crying and telling him how scared I was about everything. We were holding each other and he repeatedly reassured me that I could trust him. It actually felt like a really secure, important moment between us.
That night he encouraged me to go to bed early and stayed downstairs drinking alone. The following morning he brought me a cup of tea at around 7:30 and I realised he was drunk.
He went back to sleep until early afternoon and then started drinking again. He hid my wine in a mug, drank vodka that had been given to us as a wedding present and filled the bottle back up with water. He initially lied about it.
He became angry and shouted at me. I didn’t shout back; I basically just cried because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
For the first time in our relationship I told him I thought he needed to stay with his parents because I genuinely didn’t recognise the person in front of me.
That evening I was so distressed I was physically sick.
He later came back that morning angry, shouting, throwing his belonging to leave. I was genuinely shocked and just sat there crying.
During everything that followed he told me that he needed to see that I didn’t want our relationship to end. Despite everything that had happened, I reassured him that I didn’t.
Afterwards he finally acknowledged that he has a problem and said he needed help.
I then spent a long time writing him a really heartfelt message. I told him that I loved him, wanted our future together, understood addiction was complicated, was proud of him for acknowledging it and would support him in getting help. I also explained that after everything that’s happened I need actions alongside words because my trust has been badly damaged.
His response to the message was essentially that he appreciated it and loved me too.
When I later asked what he actually thought about everything I’d written, he said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Because he’d cancelled the addiction counselling previously, I encouraged him to contact the service again and get back onto the waiting list, or consider attending a support meeting in the meantime.
When I asked whether he was going to call, his answer changed to “might do.” He became defensive and angrily said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Since then he has basically shut me out.
For the last few days he’s barely looked at or acknowledged me. He goes to work without speaking to me, comes home and goes upstairs, and we’ve barely communicated. Tonight he did bring me a cup of tea after I’d helped him with something, but then went straight back upstairs.
He says he’s going sober but believes he can do it himself without counselling or meetings.
I’m not expecting him to magically recover overnight and I understand that shame, denial and defensiveness can be part of addiction. But I’m really struggling with the fact that I’m the person who was lied to and frightened, yet I now feel like I’m the one being punished for being hurt and asking him to get help.
I’ve spent so much time over the years trying to understand him, support him and see the person underneath the substance misuse. I’m suddenly questioning how much space there has actually been for what all of this has done to me.
I’ve actually accepted counselling myself through the addiction service because they support affected partners/family members too, and my first appointment is on Friday.
I love him enormously and until this weekend I’ve always imagined my life with him. But something about what happened and particularly his treatment of me afterwards has changed something in me. I feel hurt, angry, exhausted and now almost numb.
Part of me thinks this might genuinely be the point where I’ve had enough of the cycle.
I haven’t chased him or tried to force another conversation because, for once, I feel like I need him to be the person who comes towards me and tries to repair this.
For anyone who has experienced addiction in a long-term relationship: is this kind of withdrawal/anger after admitting there’s a problem common? How much space is reasonable to give someone before their refusal to communicate becomes unacceptable? And if someone genuinely believes they can maintain sobriety without professional support despite repeatedly falling back into the same cycle, how would you approach that?
I think I’m also trying to work out the hardest question: at what point does supporting someone with an addiction become sacrificing too much of yourself?
