r/srna • u/bloodycrust • 9d ago
Other Partner not supportive?
So I am literally in my first week of school. I have some work to get through before Monday for one class. Its already dense material. I was out most of the day with my sister, had dinner with her and my partner. I went back out to work on my stuff from like 8:30-10:30. I am feeling locked in. He made a weird comment about "being stuck in there for four hours" and the tone was definitely not one I liked. Then I stayed up to work on some anki cards and its 1200, i'm not feeling ready to sleep and I want to be up working. Like I said, I didn't do much work at all today bc i was with my sister. He came out at midnight and was annoyed I was still up and said "you're already overdoing it". I'm basically worried he is not as supportive about all of this as I initially thought. I'm not sure how to approach this with him. If it wasn't obvious, we live together and I can't just "break up". I'd like to try to navigate this appropriately. We've been together for almost 4 years at this point. Any suggestions or advice??
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u/dreamcaroneday CRNA 9d ago
It’s not uncommon for relationships to fail during graduate school. If he can’t understand the time commitment and how it’s beneficial for both you and both of your futures. Then I think you should rethink things.
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u/No-Tell7657 9d ago
Have you had a serious discussion about the expected weekly hours of studying and clinical expectations for these types of programs ? If not I would start there. Try working out times to spend together ahead of time. Etc. ask him what he needs from you to feel seen etc. if he can’t articulate his needs and he’s already making these passive aggressive comments it would be red flags for me. Does he work in healthcare ?
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u/Yodka Nurse Anesthesia Resident (NAR) 9d ago
It’s so easy for people to just say “red flag” and “break up”. As a couple others have said, have an honest conversation with him. This is also a big transition for him too if he’s not used to you suddenly being away doing school work for hours at a time. I think it becomes a red flag when, after talking, he continues to make you feel bad.
There is some honesty in his comment about “already overdoing it”. In my first semester I was looking over content essentially from the time I got up to before going to bed. By second semester I was burnt TF out and just trying to get through it. My girlfriend made comments about me overdoing it too and looking back, she was right. You need to find balance because you will eventually burn out.
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u/justatadtoomuch 9d ago
Yeah jumping to breaking up is not the best scenario. I have a minute till I start but in undergrad I would do the same thing, stay up past midnight studying if I didn’t get a chance to during the day and it was the worst decision. That’s not gonna work when I start bc it’s a marathon and I will burn myself out after the first semester if I try that. His comment of overdoing is kinda valid bc you kinda don’t want to make it a habit. Could it have been said better? Yeah. But you’ve got 3 yrs left still and if you continue to do that it’s going to hurt you.
But……communicate. Why go on Reddit and label your partner as unsupportive instead of sitting down and having a convo first. If it doesn’t get better, you still communicate but find a confidante in real life before Reddit. If you care about them, give them a chance to offer their perspective first instead of placing a label on them immediately. It’s the first week. It’s a change for you but it’s a change for them too.
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u/Jay_OA 5d ago
Yeah, I think most people don’t have the ability to put themselves in OP’s shoes. They haven’t had 4 years with this partner so they only read one paragraph and immediately hate him. But she probably doesn’t hate him and also might have a lot of other things to consider (I for one would not be able to afford live by myself for 3 years unless I had a JOB. Which SRNAs cannot).
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u/Turbulent_Artist_392 3d ago
Honestly with how she has reacted I don't know if she has the emotional maturity to be airway.
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u/Altruistic-Amount 9d ago
Like everyone said, sit him down and talk to him and let him know school will consume even more of your time especially once you start clinicals. Give him some time I’d say about 3 months and if it continues or gets worse just move on. I had to end a toxic relationship right when I started clinicals and I almost failed so do it sooner than later. Good luck!
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u/Nightlight174 Nurse Anesthesia Resident (NAR) 9d ago
People telling u to throw away a four year relationship seems a little extreme lol especially if there’s qualities you like him for.
I’d just give him time to adjust. No amount of forewarning or preparation can help people understand ahead of time - but they do adjust!
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u/NoHouse5172 8d ago
Right, so him adding stress to your already stressful workload is selfish.
CRNA school is a lot on its own. I’m a junior (almost senior) and I couldn’t imagine a partner ADDING to my stress instead of ways to take away my stress. You unfortunately have to be selfish with your time for friends, family, holidays, parties, etc.
Sit down and talk about it- make your intentions clear and be open minded if he whines but still take up for yourself, have some makeup sex, and go on. If the issue keeps repeating itself then you need to consider other options.
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u/tnolan182 CRNA 9d ago
A lot of good advice about talking to your partner and giving them the opportunity to understand what you’re going through and why you need his support.
Now that I got that part out of the way. This is my perspective as someone who recently turned 40 and loves being a crna:
When you finish school you will be part of a profession that earns in the top 1-2% of wages in this country. Life is too short to keep people around that dont want to help you grow. Attacking you for studying is extremely childish behavior and that shit needs to end yesterday.
People suggesting couples therapy are really not thinking about your already extremely strained schedule.
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u/Fragrant_Ebb_9307 9d ago
Couples therapy is an hour at most, as is physical exercise. I think prioritizing something that happens once a week or every other week should find time in a busy schedule. All work and no support makes for a disastrous situation. Otherwise 100%, shit needs to end yesterday. Period.
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u/Negative-Molasses612 9d ago
It’s possible that he’s trying to advocate for you but is doing a poor job with his wording and tone. Maybe he’s worried about seeing you get exhausted and burn out, and staying up until midnight is a long day and won’t be sustainable. 🤷🏼♀️ That said, he could work on his delivery and a conversation is certainly warranted. If a convo doesn’t improve things, then maybe reevaluate. Also, you’re a week in and getting the feel of things. You’ll figure out what type of schedule works for you and what you need to do to be successful and learn well.
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u/bloodycrust 9d ago
Yes this is basically exactly what he said when we discussed more. I mentioned he could say things in a kinder way for sure lol.
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u/Mammoth-Ebb-5670 9d ago
People get too hung up on tone or the how something is delivered. It doesn’t need to be perfectly packaged to be received. Context is important and no one is perfect, let people care about you in their normal flawed ways
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u/RusM91 Nurse Anesthesia Resident (NAR) 9d ago edited 9d ago
I had a similar interaction with my spouse when I started. We had explicitly talked about me not "overdoing" it before school started. I learned pretty quick the margins on study were so thin you had to "overdo it" or it was not going to go well. We had to have the conversation that it was just really going to suck for 3 years and that there was a payoff eventually. Once you get your study methods down (clinical life is another ballgame) you can plan your free time more consistently, but there will always be runs of crunch time where everything is taking the backseat to school imo.
Ultimately, I would try to talk them through it. I'll be the first to say school has been harder on my spouse than me. Continued toxicity or hostile unsupportiveness only points in one direction, though.
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u/MacKinnon911 CRNA Assistant Program Admin 9d ago
First I’d say this is common. Those who aren’t “in it” Struggle to understand it.
If you haven’t already sit him down and just show him the volume of material. It’s hard to explain but visually seeing it seems to make it easier for some.
Then have an honest, but understanding, convo about his comments and how they made you feel. If that does not go well or things don’t change you then have to reevaluate.
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u/bloodycrust 9d ago
Thank you! Good idea about showing him the material. We came to an understanding about it so far. All I can do is see how we adjust over the next few months.
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u/MonthRelevant5349 9d ago
This is unfortunately a huge red flag. It’s only going to get busier so if he thinks your “overdoing it” now just wait until clinical starts
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u/No-Fox1339 Nurse Anesthesia Resident (NAR) 9d ago
This entire post feels very juvenile. Sounds like you need to try communicating before breaking up over a few back handed comments. I am by no means defending what your boyfriend said btw. I know this sounds harsh but it’s only week one. If you want to have a supportive partner, you also have to communicate expectations and needs. This is a transition period for both of you. You’re jumping into a challenging program, relearning how to be a student, and trying to stay ahead as content continues to build up. But your partner is also going through this with you. They have to learn and accept that your quality time together has lessened, that they will need to take on more around the house etc. communication, communication, communication.
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u/bloodycrust 9d ago
Im sorry, I seem juvenile?
The thing is, I have communicated expectations and needs but he’s very much overly relaxed about things and I could tell did not really understand what I was trying to prep him for.
He’s also never known me as a student. It’s an adjustment for both of us for sure.
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u/Rodeo-Cowboy Nurse Anesthesia Resident (NAR) 9d ago
Doesn’t need to be code red. Have a discussion with your partner, tell them the type of support you need and what you’re feeling like right now.
Describe how your perfect partner would support you through this- and if those ‘set’ expectations aren’t met, then you can decide how well the relationship is or isn’t working for you.
They might be worried about losing you and overcompensating right now- give them a bit of a talk and reassess after.
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u/Mammoth-Ebb-5670 9d ago
It’s the first week and he might be right that you’re over doing it if you’re already thinking about breaking up with him in a week for saying anything in a specific tone.
It’s going to take time for both of you to acclimate and it sounds like to me that you’re spending your study time with your sister and not prioritizing your sleep, which can be a high potential downfall. He might be being direct/blunt instead of turning it into a whole conversation because those take up time that he sees you don’t have. Try your best to assume positive intent, you don’t need the worry on top of school. Ask to hear him out but if he could voice his concerns in a more grounded way that it would help you understand better. It does take a moment to get out of social mode back into academic mode so give yourself and them some grace. It’s not worth feeling bad over.
If it were me and my partner started an intense program and was already staying up late to study because they were hanging out with their sibling all day, I’d probably say something also. Best to assume everyone is on your side. You have more important things to think about.
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u/2GAncef4u 7d ago
Have a candid conversation with him. CRNA school completion is the goal, and it might be hard to juggle personal relationships and school at the same time. If your friends/partner do not understand the value of the degree, they might not be the one for you
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u/Jay_OA 5d ago
That may be true but it gets slightly more complicated and frustrating when you consider that having a roof over your head and food on the table is a huge ask when you’ve got NO INCOME, so if the plan was a single income household and he a major part of the primary support system, it gets really scary for the relationship to have strain.
Yeah of course I wouldn’t stay with someone I didn’t want to be with just for the benefit of sharing expenses… but if a living situation becomes untenable and you’re out of work, then what? Quit school and forget about CRNA?
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u/2GAncef4u 5d ago
Absolutely, valid concerns. There are options though if the relationship does become untenable and is impeding your studies. If you feel that this relationship will go the distance, the conversation is meant to provide absolute clarity to the demands of school and to the benefits of the degree. And If finances are an important concern, there is always the option of obtaining more loans if the relationship goes south. I do understand that more loans can seem ever more burdensome. Ultimately, I stand by my original statement that school completion is the goal. Your partner should be in agreement and both of you should be able to see the long term and *mutual* benefits. The loans will be paid back. The current market for CRNAs isn’t going anywhere and more importantly, is that demand for anesthesia services is going to continue to grow for the foreseeable future. Current income is at $285K/yr from recent survey among CRNAs. I’d say that even if your RN job is well paid, CRNA income is probably still at least 2.5 times that.
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u/Jay_OA 5d ago
Thanks.
My response was admittedly a bit personal to myself, because when I eventually start school, my partner will be a huge part of my support and it’s always possible a relationship can be challenged by a big life change. So I don’t feel invincible.
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u/2GAncef4u 5d ago
Of course. I experienced the same thing in school and tried to explain this to my partner at the time. She kept pressing and pressing and ultimately we did break up. It’s. Shame it turned out the way it did, I voiced that I would have liked it to work out differently, but that’s life.
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u/jinshimaomao2030 9d ago
He is going to make a difficult journey worse . Start looking for external support now
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u/Ok-Tip-240 Nurse Anesthesia Resident (NAR) 9d ago
This is YOUR life, your career, your future. Don’t let him ruin it!!
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u/ReferenceAny737 9d ago
Sit down and talk about expectations from both sides, create a schedule that works for the both of you and try to follow it. Every couple weeks or so, especially in between semesters, have like a sit down, dinner, etc. to recalibrate and keep pushing forward. Unfortunately, it's going to be difficult the whole way through so brace yourself.
Good luck!
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u/nuxgwkkw1 Nurse Anesthesia Resident (NAR) 9d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I do think you need to talk with him. Have transparency about what you have to do. You will have to be organized and set at least a rough schedule of your school and study time. Make sure to set time aside for yourself and your relationships. Make sure you make time every day to spend with him, even if it’s just 30 minutes after dinner. But make sure it’s uninterrupted (no phones!). He knows you will be busy but make sure he doesn’t feel abandoned. Hopefully he’s just reacting (poorly) because he’s worried he’s losing you to being a student.
I don’t know what he does for a living but try to relate to him in terms he will understand. If he’s in a career that took a lot of training, learning, discipline, etc., you can explain how his process was a lot like what you’re going through now.
Also, please take care of yourself. Don’t stay up all night trying to study! Know when your brain works best. For me, it’s the morning. So I would much rather go to bed early and wake up at 4 am than stay up until midnight trying to study. My brain is fried by the end of the day lol.
You’ve got this!
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u/bloodycrust 9d ago
Thank you. We did talk it over and I took your advice and related it to a time he was locked in possibly too much. He understood where I’m coming from and I understood where he’s coming from. We’ll see how the rest of the semester goes
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u/Alive-Machine-407 9d ago
I think having an honest conversation. If your program does mentors, reach out to people above you that have S/O’s and ask if they can hop on a call so all of you can have a conversation. It will be eye opening to have him see that other people are going through the same. Personally what I do, I told my fiancee that no matter what Saturday/Sunday will be our day to have an intentional day. No school, no phone, just us doing something we like to do. So far it’s worked well. Good luck! It’ll all work out!
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u/Own-Dig4924 7d ago
I’m on this sub because I reached out for a partners perspective and I’m very much not in CRNA school, so take this with a grain of salt: He’s probably worried that you’re going to burn yourself out since it’s the first week and you’re staying up late studying. I’d have a conversation about what this new normal will look like, how that will impact time together, and assure him that even though you’ll sometimes be staying up late, you plan to take care of yourself in XYZ ways when you can’t get the sleep you’d like.
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u/Fragrant_Ebb_9307 9d ago
I’m a second year and I have experienced a similar issue with my partner. I have a ton of empathy for you, and through this process so far I have learned so much about what my needs are and it’s important that you establish boundaries, determine your needs, and decide whether you can live with a partner who may not be able to meet your needs. Couples therapy is really important for mediation especially if you want to feel like you have done all that you can to try to navigate this huge lifestyle shift together. It is important to notice how your partner acts when the rough gets going, how they show up for you, and whether he can meet you where you’re at. CRNA school is a magnifier on issues that existed in your relationship before starting. You have to prioritize yourself, and if he can’t see what you’re trying to build and have pride for the work that you are investing then you may have your answer. It’s really all about compromise on both ends. What I have learned:
- it only gets worse and things should be addressed as they happen.
- try to have empathy for your partner as he is experiencing a change as well
- your relationship is not your priority, school will always come first
- you will fatigue quickly if you ignore rest and respite
- Be open about your concerns
- Establish expectations on both ends
- don’t forget to take care of your physical health, your emotional health will follow suit.
- try to take a day off when time alots, obsessive studying will wreck you
- Establish therapy for yourself early on, it takes a while to find a good fit.
I hope this helps, I’m standing with you! You got this.
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u/Decent-Cold-6285 9d ago
This is the best advice to give anyone starting school. I loved your point about significant others since we forget that our partners/spouses and children are also adjusting to a new normal too as we start school. It goes back to giving each other grace in the first few months as everyone adjusts and keeping communication open about what’s going on with your physical and emotional health.
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u/SpiritualCut8425 Nurse Anesthesia Resident (NAR) 9d ago
Yes you can “just break up”. You just get busier from here forward and you don’t need all that in the background
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u/Necessary-Doctor-861 7d ago
But sis it’s the first week 😭 why does he care that you’re up grinding? If he is so concerned, he should be asking if he can make you anything to eat or drink. He just gave me the ick. The journey ahead is long, he may not be able to hang and if that’s the case, you have to be okay with letting him go
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u/Abergevine Nurse Anesthesia Resident (NAR) 9d ago
My husband knew going into this it was a commitment for both of us. Life was going to change. Household chores and cooking and responsibilities that used to be 50/50 were going to fall more on him. As great as it will be on the other side, everyone is going to suffer temporarily. And why should he reap the benefits after school without supporting you during?
It’s not easy for anyone involved. It’s a major lifestyle shift. Your partner needs to be onboard as well or they will only make your life and schooling more challenging to navigate. Think about this now while you’re still early!
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u/EntireTruth4641 CRNA 9d ago
I think it’s he displacing his anger. You hung out with your sister instead of him.
You already have no time as it is. If you are prioritizing other things than him then it shows you have no interest in him being in your future or not a priority. I may be assuming out of my butt but I feel like this is how he s feeling.
You are in this program. The priority will be studying non stop. The brief free time you have 2-3 hours every day or every so often. It has to be spent with the most important ppl in your life. Your partner/boyfriend/girlfriend also needs to be loved and shown affection- yes I know it’s a 2 way street.
Side note- men also have physical needs. Hate to say it but they still desire their partner regardless of what difficult journey you guys go together.
You are going to have to tell him this program is very demanding. And with the limited time - everything had to be planned out accordingly. If he supports you - great. If not - then you know what to do.
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u/Decent-Cold-6285 9d ago
You need to sit him down and talk about what your school commitment will look like as well as finding time in your schedule for both of you to have uninterrupted time together. Start with open communication to see if this helps clarify where his comments and feelings are coming from.
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u/CakeAndCrown CRNA 9d ago edited 9d ago
Dump him!
I broke up with an unsupportive partner in school and while it was rough moving out with no help (and to the next state over) during school and COVID, I’m so glad I did it. He used to complain about how much I studied and how I “didn’t make time” for him even though I did, it just wasn’t as much as it was prior to school.
I gave him the “this program is so demanding, I will be studying a TON, going to clinical sites hours from where I live, preparing for clinical the night before, etc.” when I received my acceptance. I also had been nothing but supportive of him in his PhD program and did anything I could to make his life easier. He became more and more unsupportive and wouldn’t compromise on anything as time went on.
At this point in my life I have no room in my life for unsupportive people and you’re either on the support train with me or you better get out of my way because the train will run you over.
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u/Turbulent_Artist_392 3d ago edited 3d ago
Sounds like to me you're just hanging out with the sister while ignoring him then when he's righteously upset and spunds like you don't want to dump him because you require his financial assistance to graduate because you can't wing it as a solo in your own apartment. Tbh OP if I was him I'd be out within the week. Hope he sees this post ngl.
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u/bloodycrust 3d ago
Lmao you don’t know anything about the personal or financial situation so please kindly stick to your lane. I asked for advice, not an (innacurate) assessment of my entire life and how I spend my time or who is paying for what.
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u/Turbulent_Artist_392 3d ago
Okay, so you [an adult] arent forced to live with him like you said in the original post.
And I used empathetic communication relating to your boyfriend. He's clearly upset because you chose someone over him. The time in school should be with the most important people [intimate partners, kids...]
But hey yk what you're clearly very aggressive and ready to fight strangers so I cant imagine how you must neglect and abuse him. You deserve the karma coming your way ngl
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u/Turbulent_Artist_392 3d ago
I mean you sent a clear message to him, he's not the top priority. And you live with him for another reason other than a relationship, so you're using him. Financial or not. I assume its because you can't work as an NAR, which is financial abuse or at least taking advantage of him.
Have some accountability and maybe apologize, but to me it sounds like you don't care about him at all and want whatever he provides for you that you can't leave for. [Hmmm what could that be] 🤔
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u/bloodycrust 3d ago
That’s definitely a lot of assumptions from one post I made. I certainly hope you aren’t actually working with people using this kind of “empathetic communication”. Thanks for the essay, you clearly care a lot ❤️ have a great day.
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u/Ellezzee 9d ago
Did y’all have a prior conversation on pacing yourself? Although his communication still should’ve been better. At the end of the day you still need to talk to your partner to straighten things out as much as possible. It’s better to address things early.