r/streamentry • u/sidado_22 • 6h ago
Practice My journey so far
Many years ago I encountered the dhamma in the form of books, recordings and meditation groups.
I practiced intermittently: when times got tough, my practice deepened. Absorption served to center me and provided me with an escape of sorts.
When times got easier again, I didn't keep up the practice.
A few years ago, I encountered an authentic teacher from another tradition and a new way to practice: open, relaxed, joyful. It was like things opening, mind getting unstuck.
I had highs and a feeling of energy flowing in my body that lasted for weeks.
After a while, things settled down again.
A year later I asked my teacher about this and he said these highs had been some sort of unblocking of energy and the feeling of flowing energy a subtle form of clinging. Overall, life had gotten a bit easier but there was still plenty of stress.
Another year later, I had been experiencing states of openness, bliss, peace, vastness, and sometimes love towards total strangers. I asked my teacher: "I this stream entry?" "No. These are powerful experiences but still dualistic."
Another year later, while on retreat, I had the insight that mind movements dissolve while they arise, that they never really exist. The next morning I realised that this is also true for my own awareness of these mind movements. At that moment I felt incredible relief and I laughed with amusement and joy. Sure that this is stream entry, I went to my teacher and told him that a huge amount of stress had fallen away due to this. He nodded. I asked "Is this a full realisation of the nature of mind?" "No." "What is missing?" "More stress falls away."
In the time that followed, life became both easier an harder. A bit easier because I became more simple and sensitive to the causes of stress. I was often able to look directly into an emotion or mood and see its true nature - utilising it for a glimpse of freedom. Things got much harder because I had become more sensitive to all forms of stress, to the extent that I often craved unawareness.
Another year later, one afternoon while on retreat, I discovered: my tension, my stress, my pain and impatience is just energy, *my* energy. I felt a rush of physical strength combined with a complete peace and calm joy. I was lying on my back with tears streaming down my face for more than half an hour. Next day I ran to my teacher and described the experience. "I think I discovered something important about stress, is this rigpa/vidya?" "I am so happy you discovered this. It is not vidya but virya (the awakening factor of energy). Had it been nondual, it would have been awakening."
A few weeks later I had discovered what he had meant. I understood what the basic nature of our experience looks like. It's not flashy. I had no more questions and nothing to describe. My teacher seemed pretty happy about this. Since then, I haven't accessed this basic nature as clearly often. But just knowing that this is how it is, and that this is who I am, and who everybody else is, helps me be more open, uncomplicated, authentic.
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Why am I writing this?
Maybe my experience resonates with someone, maybe it can help someone understand their own journey better. To quote Gendün Rinpoche: meditation experiences are like flowers, enjoy them and move on.
I was wrong about where I am in my practice most of the time. Find a teacher who embodies the dharma and teaches from deep experience and a warm heart. It makes a huge difference. Don't follow people who have a purely intellectual access and who hold onto words - they cannot help much.