I want to preface this by saying I don't care who sees this. I'm not embarrassed and not ashamed as a man to keep things real and be vulnerable here; also apologies for it being so long, but I appreciate those who take the time to read.
Tomorrow is my actual 35th birthday, yet I've never had a girlfriend or real relationship before; haven't even been able to go on a simple first date in almost 4 years. While I am eternally grateful to have made it another year on God's green earth, I am incredibly lonely. Nothing could have ever prepared me for just how lonely and left out I would feel as a 35yo single man.
Unfortunately I was just a late bloomer and kinda shy during my school years. Outside of a couple meaningless lucky tinder hookups in my late twenties, my dating life or lack-thereof has pretty much been non-existent ever since turning 30. I'm no longer that shy kid, but never in a million years did I ever imagine it would actually be this difficult to meet someone and connect as an adult...at least for me. I don't expect every woman to be attracted to me just like I'm not going to be into every woman either, but here in Washington State it feels like I'm at the absolute bottom of the barrel in terms of people who are attracted to me back.
I listened to everyone who said it will happen when you least expect, don't force anything, or you'll find it when you aren't looking...alas here we are. Clearly at this point it's me, I'm the problem. Maybe I'm too boring, too nice, not tall enough, not confident enough, lacking sex appeal, not charming enough...idk, but obviously there is something wrong me that myself or my friends cannot see.
However, I do get complimented all the time for being handsome, intelligent, "hilarious", chill to be around and just an overall good man. For whatever reason though, I can't for the life of me attract a woman. I approach respectfully and shoot my shots like everyone else, but it's literally never mutual. Have I missed some opportunites because I was too shy or not feeling it that day...absolutely I admit that. I've also probably turned some women off through this trial and error over the years by mistake. Not every interaction needs to have an outcome or lead to something, but how can not a single one stick?
Even as recently as yesterday I went to my local climb gym in Seattle. I talked to a few people and even made a new guy friend. I also saw this girl that struck me like a lighting bolt; just incredibly pretty to me. I approached, introduced myself and we ended up climbing/chatting for 2 hours together. Towards the end, I told that guy and her I was heading out and asked if they wanted swap info and connect later. She did end up having a boyfriend and nothing wrong with that but holy crap, does everyone I talk to have a boyfriend in 2026? She did add me on Insta so at least that means she enjoyed my company. Even after I left I saw another dude right after me approach her too. 🤣
I'm not this super extroverted social butterfly, but I'm also no pushover. I stand up for myself, I'm assertive with what I want and I've definitely tried many times, more than any man should have to try if I'm being honest. I know as the man it's on me to approach, otherwise no woman will ever magically fall into my lap. I try to stay positive and I try to maintain some level of confidence, but it's so hard dealing with rejection after rejection for years without a shred of success to keep me going...nothing but God's gift of mental fortitude and my wrist tattoo that says patience.
Yes I've done the introspection, yes I've been to therapy, yes I've asked friends for advice. No I'm not this creepy gremlin chasing after women as they come out of parking lots. No I'm not this ego jerk with an awful personality or bad hygiene living at home playing video games all day. I'm a normal freaking dude who smiles, goes outside, puts effort into his appearance and stays active to maintain a halfway decent body; I've even been shreded with abs before. I travel around, I go to church, I attend social groups, I work my ass off at my stressful sales job and still have time to raise two cats and write my cook book.
People hear my story and the only thing they can assume is "he must be desperate or his personality is bad". It's demoralizing, it's frustrating, it's dismissive of my experience and worst of all it seriously effects your mental health dealing with years of this crap. I just want a hug at this point; not a pity side hug, a genuine this person actually cares about me, HUG.
Over the years I’ve been to bars, nightclubs, speed dating events, singles mixers, board game nights, salsa dancing, joined outdoorsy hiking groups and meetups on Facebook. I’ve tried dating apps like Hinge/Tinder and even alternative ones like Feeld where people are supposed to be more open-minded. I've been to comedy shows, amateur karaoke nights, run clubs, bouldering gyms etc etc. I’m not doing these activities just to make trying to meet women my entire life, but because I genuinely enjoy trying new things; jack of all trades I guess you could say. I just assumed I would naturally hit it off with someone one day and that special girl would be drawn to my energy.
I've even traveled around and took vacations to Hawaii, Mexico, California, Vancouver and Vegas just name a few. I'm just so tired of people asking me "so who are you going with" when I travel. The answer is no one because I date myself, I love myself and I've always had to do everything in life by myself: dinners, movies, hikes, vacations...I was never going to put my life on hold just because I hadn't met someone yet.
I'm just tired, so tired of being alone. No amount of hitting the gym or the occasional bar night out with the homies can replace that normal desire for company from that special woman in your life; not to mention intimacy...like my God, I miss physical touch; not even sex, just a cuddle or a hug would be be nice. Yes I enjoy my solitude sometimes and definitely not codependant enough to settle for the wrong woman, but at some point I'd like to know what it's like on the other side too ya know. To have someone be excited to see me, to have texts hitting my phone, to cuddle during a movie, to go to dinners and share stories about our day, just experience some basic companionship. 🥺
I'll close this long-winded vent by telling you all a quick story.
This weekend is the start of the state Fair in my area. This was always a favorite time of year for me because evey year I stayed positive and told myself, this will finally be your year to take a cute girl to the fair; to hold hands, share an elephant ear and ride some rides together." Obviously it never happened, but last year I tried to take myself anyway to have fun. After 30 minutes of being there sitting in the food court eating a burger at a bar, I had to find a private spot to go cry because of how lonely it was. Me, a 34yo man bawling his eyes out in a corner as I watched all the couples hold hands and kiss in-between rides. It was so unintentional and uncontrollable I didn't know what came over me. I had to leave and then cried some more in my car.
I know no one on Reddit can help me. I'm also not expecting a future girlfriend to solve all my problems or fill some void, but gat damn, it sure would be nice to know what it's like to be a desired human being...just for once in my life.
I know from the bottom of my heart there is someone out there for everyone, I just wish I could meet her.
