Wasn't her.

Tagged gender identity/dysphoria just since I'm a trans guy and other trans men transmascs might get dysphoric over the subject

Anyways I made a post previously about how I might've done a stupid and gotten myself pregnant by an impulsive self destructive decision to hookup with someone unprotected. The chances were really low but not zero so I was really scared and anxious.

Well

WOOOHOOOO IM NOT!!!! I definitely want to have a kid of my own and be a seahorse dad someday but right now is just not the time so I'm so happy I don't have to make any big and really difficult decisions anytime soon

I don't know why I keep trying to talk to my dad

My dad has been emotionally abusive and neglectful my entire life. Its been long well known that he is not someone I can count on for emotional support or understanding.

well, 3 months ago I decided i wanted to change my name. he used my preferred name at first, but I guess he eventually decided it was annoying and inconvenient, because he stopped.

he's now instant that it's just a nickname and he doesn't have to call me anything other than my legal name. last time I was over at his house he called me my legal name and my stepmom corrected him which triggered him to go on a rant about how my generation is always changing our names and he's sick of it. oh, and he also decided it's not actually disrespectful to only call me my legal name despite me asking IDK how many times for him to use my preferred name.

After that last interaction, I decided I wanted to have an actual conversation about this with him. Yesterday I spent my entire therapy session working on a DEARMAN script I can use to have that conversation. I thought it was really well put together.

I was SO anxious about it, but I ended up calling him and asked if he had a minute to talk. he said yes, so I started reciting my script. I got halfway through (like 3 sentences in) when he interrupted me, asked me if that was all I wanted to talk about, and hung up on me when I said yes.

I then texted him my script, because I wanted him to know what I had to say regardless of if it was on the phone or not. and his only response was to never text him anything like that again.

I spent the following couple hours crying on and off. I don't know what I expected, really.

Just wanted to vent and get this off my chest.

Dissociaton is the main reason it took me so long to figure out that I am trans and is still my main opp. Without im not dysphoric, I feel better but I starting thinking im not a "real" trans guy for suffering 24/7 from it which makes me dissociate, and if I am dysphoric then I feel like a fraud for it not making me feel "bad enough" therefor im not a "real" trans guy which also makes me dissociate... god I hate this

oh to be a trans man, or to at least take testosterone. ive really considered it, like for real. either God hates women, or evolution does, because i have never liked being me

edit: typo. kill me lol

Every time i want to hit the gym i remember that I will never be nearly as strong as a man. Any gym gains could be achieved in half the time by some 15 year old boy. I go online to look at tips and all i see is skinny, slightly athletic women saying getting a six pack is insane work and not possible for most women. My teenage brother is stronger than i could ever hope to be and he doesnt even GO to the gym! Im a cis woman but when I get my hands on that testosterone im gonna do lines of it like coke. And then im going to hit the gym and not stop till I can lift a solid 120kg bar or whatever. I dont care if steroids are bad im gonna be fit strong and happy :P

Edit: thank you to everyone whos been nice!! Ive also gotten a handful of comments talking about how I need to get hot though or something? And one long ass paragraph talking about hookups which is weird especially since i never specified my age. Also "just buy a gun" is terrible advice. Im going to assume its American because where else but im not buying a deadly weapon?? And anyone calling me a misogynist can suck it

Accessability Transcription:

Sad hulk realizes nothing is wrong with his brain. And it's literally just capitalism that is making him sad.

I don't want someone to give me their whole heart, I don't even want sex. I just want to remember what human warmth feels like.

Can't even talk about this shit because at best people think it's a "first world problem" and at worst they put words in your mouth and act like you're being entitled to peoples affections, or that you deserve, or that you brought it on yourself

Okay so vent time. Ive realized a lot about myself these past few days because ive fucked over my sleep schedule and stay up during the self reflection time of doom and despair (2-4 am) and ive realized that my mom might be some flavor of narcisist (maybe? Sorry if its bad to say that but idk what to call it :c). Shes always been a kind of helicopter mom that is very weird. She doesnt really let me have control over my own body [e.g. im only allowed to buy clothes she approoves of which look like baby clothes half the time, cant say "bad words" like "hate" or "ugly" yes im being serious i cant even say "hate" out loud bc she acts like i just said the nword, and most concerning of all she does not let me go outside] to be more clear on that last part, i am technically allowed in the backyard (not the front yard tho) but it dlesnt really have anything to do, since the swingset broke and the only other thing there is the washer and dryer. But besides that im not allowed to be outside the house at all. We live in a really safe street, i have a ton of stuff near the house (like 4 malls, a starbucks, fast food, all sorts of stuff) and i have a phone that i carry basically everywhere and would explode if i didnt have it. Yet she STILL insists im too little (literally omw to turning 16 🫩) to ever leave the house by myself. This wouldnt even be that much of a problem, that is if there was ANYONE i could have as a chaperone. But n0oºo°oOo°o⁰o she doesnt trust anybody to go with me. We live with my grandparents, but grandad works from 5 to 9 and grandma hasnt been able to walk properly in like 10 years, let alone drive me anywhere. We have a nanny (yes, my grown ass appearantly needs a nanny even tho ive been basically raising myself since i was 4) but she cant drive either and mom doesnt "trust" her enough. Im basically not allowed to leave the house until 7 or 8 pm when she gets home, and by then everything is closed. I know i probably sound like a spoiled lil brat (i am lowkey) but i dont know what else to think. Im not very good at explaining things, so ig i sound a bit annoying. I hate that im not allowed to be my own person. I think what happened is that she (mom) doesnt really.... get huzz 😭. Shes lowkey insufferable to be around, and i can tell even the few friends she has cant stand her anymore. Shes never dated after my dad and her split up (16 fucking years ago omg) and never had any kids after me. Also, my extended family is somehow worse, so she did pull herself together and cut them off. So the literal only things she has is my grandparents, her sister, and me. I think once she got pregnant with me, she realized that i wouldnt be like... a baby, for very long, and when i was born she tried everything to mold me into her like minion or sm? But the apple sometimes does fall far FAR from the tree, and i grew up to be pretty much the opposite from her (we have one 1 thing in common and that is that we love the enviornment). She didnt really know what to do after i stopped being a baby, so she just threw an ipad at me and hoped i didnt die, which suprise suprise has given me all sorts of problems!!! Idk if i could even explain all of them but ill start. Ive had problems involving my sexuality because im not allowed to express even the slightest of interest in anyone or anything, so to cope ive become an imaginary persona thats definitely too sexual for my age and have had since i was about 5 to 6 years old. Secondly, ive had a lot of violent thoughts because of not being allowed to express any negative emotions plus not being allowed outside tends to drive you mad (yeahhhh mom its not like isolation is considered a form of inhumane torture in most prisons or anything) oh and also being raised on jeff the killer fanfics isnt the best plan to not raise a violent person. Third, not my mental health, but my physical health too. I started boredom eating when i was about 4 and ive been trying to reverse the damage it has done to me ever since, but since im not allowed to go outside, i cant lose weight by excersising. A ton of other stuff too but thats the main stuff. I dont really blame her. I think she might be a narcisit but she just doesnt understand it yet. It really isnt her fault that she did this to me, but it still hurts that shes stolen not my childhood, but my teen years, which is something i really cant get back no matter how much i try. Its easy enough to heal your inner child, go to the playgroud, watch cartoons, eat candy, all kinds of stuff. But teenagehood is such a specific and time sensitive age that is so much harder to heal the neglect its been given. Idk anymore chat, any like advice or sm? :p

Just so much fucking BS. Sorry for all the text or if it’s a bit confusing, I’ve got so much sludge in my head. Just..man.

Dysphoria:
I’m in the process of getting top surgery. I’m excited for when I can get the ball rolling more for that as I still need the letter. Other than that though, I hate my body. I hate the chest, the curves, and my fucking voice. I hate that I can’t go on T because I don’t want to risk not being able to have kids or have a harder time. It scares me but I feel so miserable.
Also doesn’t help when I try to date, it’s usually straight guys. Family doesn’t understand why that bothers me. Ive had my OWN MOTHER argue with me on my pronouns and “How do you know you would still want to go on T by then?” So I told her the body I have now makes me want to die. Shut her up at least.

Sexuality:
Idk what I even like anymore. I thought I liked everyone. Now I don’t know if I like women sexually, maybe more romantically? Though I’m in a relationship with a woman who wants to be sexual and we’ve had sec in the past. We’ve had some things pop up in our relationship, as well as my own depression rearing its head, plus dysphoria.
So idk if it’s actually a lack of sexual attraction to women, or if it’s depression causing the lack of drive, being more demi/ace than I thought, or those issues. Idk. I think I like guys sexually?? Idk honestly but it also hurts because I feel like no guy who likes guys would like me, a pre-transitioned, except socially, transmasc nb.

Cheating:
Me and my gf are poly. Our rule is to tell each other if we have a date and talk to each other if ya see something happening with someone else. She had recently seen someone and didn’t tell me they had a date, it being their second date until after it happened. She also didn’t tell me her and that person are now partners. Told me yesterday after we agreed to talk about the date and she let that drop. She had said she wanted to talk about how close her and that person got face to face to “avoid more hurt” after I told her she didn’t tell me.
Idk how to feel. I was in so much shock yesterday and just tried to enjoy my time with her, but it’s hitting me hard today. I feel so much anger, betrayal, pain, anxiety, and so much more. She could’ve even told me same day, before the date, yet she didn’t even do that. Instead, she didn’t mention it until she replied to a text I sent about how awful work was that day and how I had cried all day due to it. She told me over text and in our conversation yesterday (where she said they were now partners) she thought she did tell me, shes so sorry, it’ll never happen again, if she had soo much going on, etc etc.

SI/SH:
I want to die. I can’t imagine doing this for 40-60 more years. Every day it’s something. I’m so tired and I’m not even 25 yet. I feel so weak, yet everyone tells me I’m so strong. I’ve dealt with depression since about 12 years old. Thought about dying almost everyday since then (had an eight month period of feeling great due to Spravato tho) and I try to find joy.
I remind myself I have pets who love every fiber of me, nieces who fucking adore me, family that love and need me, and people who genuinely care, but it doesn’t help. I go out with a friend to sing karaoke, go to conventions, draw, play my favorite games, try to take walks as consistently as I can (once it cools I’ll be able to go every day :) ), enjoy the ducks in a nearby lake, play with pets, watch favorite shows with family.
It helps for a moment, but the feeling fades fast and is replaced with numbness.
Ive been self-harming since about 13 or so. Ive been caught in the beginning a few times, but learned to cut in areas that I could easily hide and not one could see, to use cloths to cover the area in the shower, or angle myself just right so if anyone had to come in for anything, they couldn’t see. I even cut recently. They’re scarring, especially one cut that had gotten slightly infected, but I want to cover my entire body with cuts. I’m so surprised I made it to almost 23 (birthday in a week).

Family health:
Dad recently found out he had a node in his lung. Got a pet scan done and that wasn’t the issue, but a lymph node was. Lit up bright apparently. They had a biopsy done and we’ll be getting the results in three days. I’m scared. Idk what I’d do without my dad, even if we aren’t that close. Scared for mom too since shes spent about 40 years with him. She also has an aneurysm thats in a vein that could go to her lungs or heart. While dad was getting told about the node, she was told the aneurysm had gotten slightly larger and that they will have to monitor it more. I’m scare for her too. Idk what I’d do without my parents, but I’m hoping for the best.

Im not special; we’re all going through our own shit. I just need to get it off my chest but I also don’t want to talk about it so I will say these cavemen words:

Mother s-traffic
Brother r-word
Family no help , father enable
Other brother abusive recently and make me feel unsafe and confused ; we used to be best friends - I miss him - I miss a lot of people

have to stay as normal as possible as many days as possible
Trauma leaking thru my memory banks
I go from euphoric to deadpan out of nowhere

Who am I, where am I, when am I