r/Adopted • u/Sufficient-Ad8922 Transracial Adoptee • 2d ago
Discussion Comfortable
This question is for all adoptees but primarily for transracial (I’m a transracial adoptee) how comfortable do you guys feel genuinely around your AF, particularly members you don’t see regularly? (Like a few times a year instead of a week etc.)
I feel like I go into silent mode around them…
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u/Primary_Savings_6838 Adoptee 2d ago edited 2d ago
Personally as a adoptee that got placed into a matching skin tone family although come to find out much much much later I'm Indigenous. Yeah. Anyway my take on things never matched theirs, after a while of getting dismissed / shut down / etc. I went quiet. Lots less drama that way, you know? Edited to add: I think that going silent / quiet is typical of adoptees in general.
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u/justokay_today Adoptee 2d ago
As I’ve grown up my comfort has deteriorated. I very much believe many of them see me as their token black relative.
There are only a few worth engaging with that would be open to hearing another perspective.
My A parents I am comfortable with. I will call them out and they are usually receptive.
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u/iheardtheredbefood Int'l and Transracial Adoptee 2d ago
We never connected, and the relationship was one of politeness out of respect for the older generation. Once they all passed, I stopped seeing extended afamily.
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u/OverlordSheepie Int'l and Transracial Adoptee 2d ago
AP family is not close.
I do feel more comfortable around people my AP's race though (White) versus mine (Asian).
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u/Jolly_Conflict International Adoptee 2d ago
Honestly this has never really been a negative thing for me. Being in my mid thirties now it would be hard to speculate about the reason why, but I was made to feel comfortable with my parents in expressing my feelings about anything bothering me, so if I felt lost then I could have gotten professional help to address it.
I remember color blindness being really popular back then. In retrospect, comments from fellow students that wouldn’t be excused today certainly were back then.
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u/Jinmmang Int'l and Transracial Adoptee 2d ago
I’ve gotten mistaken as my adoptive father’s wife.
I was 12.
I’m quite literally the black sheep of the family. Everyone else is a blue eyed blondie while I stick out like a sore thumb because of my black hair and Asian heritage.
It’s torture going out. Not a single person thinks you’re family members and simply assumes you’re an outsider. Family friend! Spouse!
And don’t even get me started on when they start saying bullshit like: “well I don’t even see it,” “I forget that you’re adopted.”
Well even if you somehow are blind, I’m not!
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth 2d ago
AP’s weren’t close / lived far from their relatives, we had/have basically zero interest in each other and so the comfort level is that of a stranger (fine by me I already have a huge toxic bfam I don’t need more.)
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u/SeaConfident5724 Adopted 2d ago
In small towns, unthinkable things happen. Now living somewhere new with a very progressive temperament for alternative lifestyles I’ve felt the days of old and what happened, it’s long gone. I don’t think about it. If what you are feeling is isolation or the inability to find others/friends that share your feelings I would say keep trying. As long as you are safe, because that is a boundary, might I suggest that you agree to disagree.
I disagree entirely with my AF in so many categories. I’ve also been so damn independent and not gotten in trouble of any kind, thus they allowed me my freedom. It was freedom but the don’t ask don’t tell hurt a little too.
In the end, it was just how we ?agreed? to deal with things.
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u/AbyssalRadioGod Transracial Adoptee 2d ago
No contact here, so very uncomfortable. We didn't part on good terms after a rocky adoption.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 2d ago edited 2d ago
My extended adoptive family was good to me growing up, but I’m transcultural not transracial. They always treated me like part of the family. Only exception was one creepy cousin. My adoptive parents were not good and it’s hard to be around them. They’re visiting now.
My APs struggle more now with out relationship because I’m leaning into my culture. (I’m native and mixed race.) They actually went to ceremony with me today. It was unexpected. Can’t say more about it but I’m proud of how they handled it. And I’m really grateful to the elder that made it happen.
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u/misterblobbysgrandma 2d ago
Don't feel comfortable around my extended adoptive family, then again most have never really treated me like a member.
My adoptive dad I do, my adoptive mum I don't, my adoptive sister I do, and my adoptive aunt I also do.
That's about as far as it goes in terms of feeling anything like comfortable, some I even feel some anger towards for the way they have been.
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u/Sinking_Mass UK 1yo Adoptee (+ Foster Care + M&B Unit) 2d ago edited 2d ago
Sorry, not transracial, but I am Irish by blood and got sent to an English family (UK & Éire, not USA based). I live 250 miles (at least) away from them all now, and I used to hide in my room a lot when family came over. I would stay in there and play guitar, read, sleep, etc. Sometimes I would hang with them and I harbour no ill will, in fact, I like my cousins, but they were all so different to me. I never realised why until I met birth mum at 32yo
My adoptive mum remarried and this is when I started really struggling. Background: I was adopted from a mother who was about 14/15 and she was a party gal and from a different class. I've always felt very out of place with the upper middle and then upper class (remarried into). I don't have a problem with them per se, but I do feel v different and out of place. Not to mention the relentless constant abuse physically mentally and sexually thanks to my adoptive father but that's a whole other kettle of fish - I will write my own post on here at some point about that
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u/r_bk Adopted 2d ago
Neighborhoods and communities racially segregate as well often. I remember knowing that I didn't look like anyone in my family but also knowing that I didn't even look like anyone in the neighborhood either. My parents never even considered this, and if they had they wouldn't have been capable of seeing it as a problem. Probably still aren't. I wonder how many trans racial adoptees also had to deal with being visibly out of place outside their family too. I believe the community aspect had more of an impact on me than the immediate family aspect.
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u/AggressiveShip9514 2d ago
Idgaf about anyone other than my parents… even my adopted sibling can go kick rocks or whatever. No one ever put any effort into actually knowing me, and when I started reciprocating that attitude, we started to go years without speaking.
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u/n0tz0e Adopted 2d ago
Pretty uncomfortable. They all came out for my highschool graduation cuz that's what family does (even though we're not close) and one person remarked how she's never seen that side of me (I was happy and outgoing from the excitement of graduation) and it just pissed me off cuz yeah no shit, you don't see this side of me because we aren't close and they've never shown an interest in my life. Plus they're all like 10 years older than me. They're just not my vibe. Also try cross posting to r/transracialadoptees too
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u/Sea-Temp444 International Adoptee 1d ago
I remember being pretty small during a family reunion of theirs and half of their kin wondering if I was totally mute. I zoned out and had little to talk about, honestly. It's weird to be in a crowd of strangers and expected to make friends with them all. It never got better even as some of them got more familiar. Most of them still feel like strangers.
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u/Difficult-Cry-3680 Adopted 1d ago
I think going silent with them is necessary at times. I would rather not get an earful and the few times I’ve wanted to stand up for myself, nah, get yelled at kid. Kind of had enough when my FM compared our arms after her vacation tan and said “Look! Almost as much as you!”
Took everything in me to not snap back: “And only half the pain to get there!”
Rest of family is also like that. Older bio child said I was actually white. Younger bio child’s fiance compared me to a Mexican housemaid for helping cleaning their room while depressed, saying it made them uncomfortable bc that’s what ‘it MADE [me] think.’ Made you. Alright. Such is life.
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u/Formerlymoody 1d ago
“Silent mode” is a great term. I’m a very grown ass adult and I observed myself going very quiet around them recently. It was shocking because I have learned to show up and be authentic in most interactions. White on white adoptee! (Lol)
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u/scottiethegoonie Int'l and Transracial Adoptee 1d ago
As far as family friends and relatives - if they knew me when I was a little kid then they are comfortable with me. But it could be, let's say a coworker/friend of one of my parents that has known them for 20 years, who but has just met me - you can tell they are instantly unconfortable. Whereas, if they just met my brother (my parent's bio child), it's like they have met an extension of my parents and have no problem with the situation.
To them, I am a stranger. Think about it.
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u/SilverNightingale 1d ago
I kinda grew up alongside some of them.
They've been on trips and family dinners with me. It's our parents who do the talking though, as they either don't know how to (or can't be bothered to) interact with me outside of family gatherings
In person, we're polite and can joke around with common topics. Nothing heavy.
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u/Soft_Philosophy5838 Transracial Adoptee 2d ago
Same here. I feel deeply uncomfortable around my white family members, not just because of the obvious differences in physical appearance and how they vibe, but because there’s such a profound lack of awareness about what it actually means to live as a transracial adoptee.
And on top of all that, I genuinely have absolutely nothing in common with these people. lol.