Using a nickname

[u/Accomplished_Sugar41]

We (white family) adopted my daughter and did not change her name. It is a multi/syllable name with Guatemalan heritage, but it is even considered unusual within that community. It is a beautiful name and we love it. It fits her perfectly and we love that it ties into her heritage. However whenever we introduce her or she introduces herself in public settings (restaurants, stores, cashiers) people always get the name wrong, often multiple times in a row. As an adult, I am willing to wait for them to learn to say it correctly, but my daughter is now three and is vocally displeased when people can't say her name right.

We use her name at home almost exclusively, but we also sometimes use a shortened nickname that uses the first syllable of her name and makes a more well-known, easy to pronounce, name. I won't share her name for privacy but a similar sort of name change would be using "Bri" for "Brizelda."

Is it disrespectful if we introduce our daughter as Bri sometimes in public interactions? Example: Old Lady at grocery store says, "She's so cute, what's your name?" Bri sometimes just offers Bri instead of the full name. The conversation moves forwards without a hang up on the name.

At home, with good friends, doctor visits, etc we go by the full name except for some nickname use from siblings. We want to cherish and respect this culture and those who named her and think the name is beautiful. We don't want to change it, only ease some interactions that cause my daughter stress at her age. Can using her nickname instead of her full Guatemalan first name be both helpful and respectful?

[u/IsopodKey2040]

I suggest you read the book "The Namesake" by Jhumpa Lahiri. There is also a movie if you'd prefer it.

For what it's worth, my name is not really "weird" or unusual and people still get it wrong all the time.

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

It sounds like she can talk so I would just let her introduce herself however she sees fit, like if she chooses to say Bri that’s great! It’s also reasonable to not tell strangers her full name even if her name was extremely easy to say, so I wouldn’t worry about introducing her as the nickname as long as, as she grows up she’s comfortable telling you what names she is and isn’t comfortable using. That might change a lot. Or not. Some people really care about pronunciation being correct and some people don’t at all.

[u/Sea-Temp444]

My name was changed but it was still changed to something of Indian origin. I am the only one in my adoptive family to not have what I can only call a generic American name save my niece. About one in three people get it wrong. Most people get my nickname wrong, they'll actually botch that before my full name. I would ask her preference and go with it, she is the one that gets to decide if it is respectful or not. Even if she is young. Maybe her preference changes with age, and that's okay too.

If people have to be corrected, then keep correcting them. It's more disrespectful on their part not to work out how to say it. As she gets older, if she decides not to correct people and roll with it, that's also okay. Sometimes I just let it go, it's not worth the extra thirty minutes or more of interaction to me personally.

[u/Familiar-Salad-1459]

Read the book Chrysanthemum to her! She should have pride in her name.

[u/SnooPeanuts666]

My parents changed my name but kept part of my Korean first name as my middle name.

in this day and age, would rather have my Korean name. When I was a child and in a very conservative town growing up I hated it. I was made fun of for being asian that having any ties to my heritage felt like an open casting call to be bullied and abused. It made me so ashamed.

Times are different now though. Uncommon names are the new norm. Children and teachers are more empathetic to cultural differences. If I was a child now days, id want my Korean name to be normalized.

[u/Kayge]

Have a colleague I met as a consultant who used to be a third grader teacher.  She has an absolutely beautiful, if difficult name to pronounce. 

She will take the time and patience to get people to say it right, and if someone tries to shorten it, her response is My third grade students could get it right, I'm sure you can too.  

She was able to say it which charm and wit, maybe that's worth a shot.  

[u/Accomplished_Sugar41 → u/Kayge]

I love that, thank you!

[u/emsohi]

I was adopted from Guatemala, too!! 🥹🥹

I always get emotional when I meet/hear of people who are from there as well. 🇬🇹

[u/Francl27]

I'm not adopted but have a foreign name and, at 48, I'm also displeased when people inevitably get my name wrong.

Using a nickname is a good compromise. It's what I do, unfortunately doctors don't get the memos.

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

I have a rather unique name and that people can't spell. I moved around a lot in the foster care system so I had to deal with a lot of confusion over my name and instead used a nickname. I got angry after someone at a church youth group suggested I change my name, and implied my name was somehow misspelled (it's not a Tragedeigh name but a lot of people assume it's a creative form of another name and I assumed people thought if I was adopted I should change my name to a easier to spell, common variation.

So I get being upset about suggesting to change your name, but I honestly will say the nickname or even a common similar name at Starbucks since I'm tired of trying to spell my name or having it misspelled.

If she wants to use a nickname since that should be up to her and it could bother her more to have a unique name.

[u/gracielynn61528]

Im confused. How often are you introducing your child to strangers that this is a problem. My child has a unique name as well. No one pronounces it right. I wont say my childs name either but think Greek name that starts with eu like euphrates where you would pronounce the eu as you and everyone you meet say e EEEE PHRATES instead of u its e.

My child is almost a teen and ive personally never introduced her to anyone she doesnt know unless we are intent on knowing the person, like someone new at church or a sport. Im not judging I just have never done it. I just think its a safeguarding issue. Sure ive had people say oh your child is beautiful and ill say thank you and move on. I did one time have an older gentleman try to ask more questions and it was one of the only times my mama bear came out and I asked him to give distance, that I wasnt comfortable with all the questions.

I think you should say your childs name. Thats just my opinion and let her choose if and when to use a nickname. My child is in school now and chooses to go by a nickname, she actually hates her birth name. Shes ten and I respect that but she also understands the connection of her name to her birth family so i still use it at home on occasion.

My other child has actually never taken to a nickname and we tried. Her birth mother named her with the thought that the name could be shortened and used and it was discussed. She never responded to her nickname. Shes almost 9 and this summer I sent her to camp and she came home going by the nickname we tried years ago. So kids will figure it out on their own.

I have a common name, a biblical name think John but Noone pronounces it right, the put the inflection on the wrong part of my name and its always been irritating.

I think for now you should just use their name, help them and others speak it correctly. (But also maybe dont introduce her so much) she should be proud of her name, not irritated by it. The one regret i have to my ten yr old who hates her name is that I didnt put more importance to using it. When we received permanent placement the last home and caseworkers had already been using the nickname for quite some time, to be easier on everyone else. I wish I had a community where I was able to hear adoptees stories sooner and I would have focused more on saying her name and not the nickname. Perhaps she would feel more proud of her name at least and still use a nickname.

Wish you the best.

[u/Accomplished_Sugar41 → u/gracielynn61528]

We live in a friendly community and eat out often, go into the grocery store, post office, etc. She is a cute and friendly child who smiles and waves at everyone, so very often senior adults in particular approach us and say, "She is so cute! What's her name?" I am actually pretty shy, so I am definitely not walking up to people and introducing her, haha. Thank you so much for the name insight.

[u/gracielynn61528 → u/Accomplished_Sugar41]

Im sure shes adorable but it might be even more of a reason to maybe speak with your child and try and minimize how much this happens. You can be kind and friendly without getting so personal with strangers. It can just be a safeguarding issues. I in no way was trying to judge. I was just shocked that you have this problem. Im also very shy so I dont go out of my way to speak to people. Also been through a lot of stuff that would make me very weary of people who would approach me or my child. I did picture that in this situation it would more than likely be elderly people of a different generation. (I also had no idea where you were from, if maybe we have different cultural experiences).

[u/Accomplished_Sugar41 → u/gracielynn61528]

Absolutely, no judgment felt. I agree we need to keep working on the safety conversations as she grows and comprehends more. It's currently not a deep conversation with strangers but like a wave and a charmed old lady saying, "Why hello, what's your name? Nice to meet you," then walking away type of situation. But my comfort zone is also more to steer clear, so I get what you're saying. And yes it's like 90% the elderly, haha.

[u/charinariddel]

Hello, yeah leave her be Bri if she feels more confortable!

[u/Somersetmom]

If your child had an English name like Matthew or Susan and you introduced your child as Matt or Susie, no one would think anything of it, whether you had given your child the name or it was the name given by biological parent/s. And almost all children I know settle on, if not demand, to be called the name they prefer at some point. It may be that you're making it unnecessarily complicated because the original name is Guatemalan. If the nickname itself is somewhat unusual, some strangers may comment e.g., "Oh, I love/have never heard that before. Is it short for something?" I'm guessing that won't happen often, but if it does, as long as your daughter is comfortable with her nickname, having the occasional stranger pronounce her full name correctly may become a non-issue. Or even a family joke at some point. Even the simplest Latino names (and I'm not saying your daughter's Guatemalan name is Latino but they are more common in the U.S.) like Juan or Isabella get mispronounced by English speakers all the time, which IMO deserves the eyerolls they get after hearing them and still not being able to say them correctly.

[u/Accomplished_Sugar41 → u/Somersetmom]

Thank you for your insight! I think my concern was less of a nickname in itself but more of being afraid a nickname would "whiten" a name and not wanting to diminish her heritage - but yes, I think it's going to be a balance between having a nickname sometimes and forcing people to sit with their discomfort in pronunciation sometimes.

[u/Confident_Owl]

We went through this as well. My daughter was just 3 and a half when we met and almost 4 when she came home. The social worker called her by her legal name and she would just shake her head and give her the stink eye (she's non-verbal). She can sign now and will correct anyone who calls her by her legal name.

At 3, she's old enough to make the decision. Ask her how she feels. If it bothers her that no one says it properly, you can suggest shortening it OR teach her to use her voice and explain it. I have a weird name - you get used to correctly people lol

[u/Own-Let2789]

are you asking if it's ok to use a nickname? yes it's okay. adoption and heritage has nothing to do with it, you're overthinking this.

[u/ihearhistoryrhyming]

I’m adopted, but the name thing- my daughter was given a hefty name with the intention she could choose her own “nickname”. This backfired so hard. She got stuck with the “baby name” we called her (not a terrible name. Just doesn’t suit her), and when I suggested as she aged we try new ones- she was confused. She hated her nickname by the time she really understood- and felt stuck with it until the end of high school.

Now she goes by her full name. She is an adult. My point is- asking a 3 year old is so unfair.

I don’t know the answer- but I disagree with people suggesting the toddler decide. She will follow your lead, and will not understand.

[u/Accomplished_Sugar41 → u/ihearhistoryrhyming]

This is helpful, thank you.