last december, i (f21) had my 21st birthday which is on christmas eve. my mom planned a very fancy dinner for my birthday at 7:30. told her i would be home by 5:30. i was spending some time with my boyfriend hiking. we got super tired and fell asleep when we got to his place. i texted my mom at 6 saying that i am coming home.

we got to my parents place at around 6:45. my mom was understandably pissed, because i said i would be home by a certain time and i didnt follow through. we had reservations to a nice place. i get it. i apologized to her but shes pissed.

at the actual dinner, she isnt speaking to me bc shes pissed, and i start crying. my dad is trying to comfort me and tell me that she wants to talk to me and its a misunderstanding. she starts yelling at me, calling me ungrateful, etc. Mind you, its a fancy restaurant. im talking course meal, a 4 hour dinner.

so the entire time, she is just shouting at me and im sobbing uncontrollably. genuinely the dinner was 4 hours and i was sobbing the entire time, people probably could hear me sobbing and her crying at this nice place, and she just wouldnt stop yelling at me and then ignoring me. i had my first drink, blew out my birthday candles, and my dad said happy birthday to me. she didn't even say happy birthday.

when we finally got home, i ran to my room sobbing. she didn't even come up to say happy birthday. and the next day was christmas, and guess what? she was happy as can be.

I am tired of thinking everytime someone looks at me weird I'm in trouble. I have this insane people pleasing and scared of authority figure dynamic that is making me so anxious and sad.

I thought it would get better being no contact from my alcoholic dad but I feel I slip every now and then. I'm constantly worried about making mistakes and getting in trouble and I'm almost 40.

I'm just sad. I want to be better. I don't have my meeting until Thursday so hoping to vent and hear how others have made it to the other side.

TW: suicidal thoughts, gun violence, domestic violence, abuse, bullying, SA, murder

I live with my grandparents and my dad, who is a lowcow, almost 50 year old unemployed severely mentally ill alcoholic/meth addict who still lives at his parents house. He has an active alcohol/meth addiction and he is severely mentally ill. He’s exactly like if frank gallagher and walter white had a baby. He’s currently faking schizophrenia so he can collect his disability checks from the government.

Key events:

•I already have multiple chronic illnesses as a result of severe trauma and ptsd and when I got covid at 16 I almost died.

• my grandma and dad have had history of having expressed homicidal thoughts about each other and acting on them. My dad used to talk to me about how much he wanted to kill my grandma because he hated her so much and he said he had a plan and wanted to shoot her with a rifle.

•my grandma attempted murder and shot at my dad, almost killing him. The bullet holes are still present and I see them every day. She only spent one day in jail and is currently walking free. (She had a lawyer)

•I almost died from severe medical neglect while dealing with chronic illnesses. At 16 years old, I almost died from Covid. I was so sick I couldn’t stand or sit up, let alone walk. I was so sick I could only go to the bathroom once a day because it took all my strength to crawl to the bathroom.

•several CPS and police visits with no help despite begging them to take me

•having to deal with severe symptoms of c-ptsd and ending up in the ER 8 times in one summer because I thought I was dying.

• lots of emotional abuse, neglect, and trauma

These handful of events are only the tip of the iceberg, and I’m currently still in this living situation. I have no friends right now as my last friend group treated me VERY poorly and was severely bullied, which I’m still trying to recover from. Right now I’m seeing a psychiatrist and i just made an appointment to start seeing a therapist soon. Ive been fighting suicidal thoughts on and off these past few months but Im getting psychiatric help. I also plan with seeing a psychologist soon.

I have so much more I can say but typing it all out is exhausting and we’d be here all day. Let me know if anyone has any advice during this very difficult time.

My dad (61M) was an overdrinker all my life (26F). He retired early, while my mom (65F) is still working to this day. As his eldest daughter, we've had a few spats where I have had enough with his drinking. He'd bring his sleazy, disrespectful drunk man buddies over to our house and they'd laugh, sing, and basically treat our front gate like it was some sleaze bar. What I hated the most was he'd pass out drunk while leaving his friends still at our place, and I'd be home alone with them. I always learned to lock my bedroom door. This happened well in my teens while I was still studying in college until today.

During the times I crashed out at him, he told me how disrespectful I was and how much I humiliated him to his friends. He'd say that drinking was the only thing that made him happy because we never pay attention to him, coming from a grown & able man that retired early. He's basically asking us to baby him and initiate conversation with him when he never did try to initiate something with us. He'd always choose his friends or the bottle.

He would always find an excuse to drink. He drank at my boyfriend's wake and after his funeral. Any birthday, even if it weren't his or even considering if the celebrant likes alcohol. He brought booze to my aunt's wake, inviting her ex-husband to drink with him while we were all there mourning in front of her casket.

The other day, he brought his sleazy friends to our house again. They laughed, smoked, drank so much the front of our house reeked of beer. I heard one of his friend say loudly how they were all going to die anyway, so might as well drink. They all laughed hysterically. It felt like my ears were ringing and I just saw red. The folks left to drink somewhere else, leaving the front of our house with beer bottles, cigarette butts, and bottle caps on the floor.

I was so angry, I smashed each bottle they left into a trashcan. This was the person that wanted respect, but can't even respect his own family, his own house, his own body.

What's so infuriating to me is my if my father eventually gets an attack or his body does break from his alcoholism, our family will be the one left to save him. Paying for bills that we didn't even ask for or want. We aren't the ones who drank, but we're the ones expected to fix what my he chose to break. His rank friends can't save him, they're all jobless, pathetic, men with no savings or prospects like him.

Even if my dad doesn't get admitted to a hospital and straight up dies, we'll still be paying for it. He doesn't have the decency to respect the people who will ultimately save him from his alcoholism, while wanting us to respect him without question. What a joke.

It’s been 3 weeks almost 4 since I’ve (33 year old) blocked my dad (58 year old) who’s been an alcoholic basically all my life. And 2 weeks since I’ve heard anything as to how he is doing, because he went back to work and wasn’t drinking a week after I blocked him on texting and calling me.

But lately I’ve been incredibly sad and want to unblock him but also don’t given I just think it’ll be awkward and the cycle will restart of sadness (him lying or pretending all is well then bam he is drinking missing work and etc.

Then I’m like I shouldn’t unblock because really I need to work on myself and find my peace, which I really haven’t had. I’m fine when I am busy running around, cleaning etc, but as soon as i sit to sleep or just breathe, i feel sad and like an idiot.

I’m sure there are others in this predicament. What should I do?

Surrender

"We must find a way to surrender and to become teachable." BRB p. 156 

At each meeting, we see ourselves in the ACA Problem as it is read aloud. We identify with the Traits and know the pain they have wrought. We hear the Solution and want to see it working in our lives. We took the difficult step of walking through the door into our first meeting, and gathered the courage to return again and again.

In order to recover we must trust in the process by admitting that we cannot heal alone. By listening to our brothers and sisters in ACA, we learn something new and realize we do not have all of the answers. We can know the Problem and Solution in our heads, but without help, many of us will have great difficulty knowing it in our hearts, where it truly matters.

We learn to let down the walls of isolation we have so carefully constructed and allow ourselves a measure of vulnerability in order to work the Steps. We surrender our old ways of being and trust that our Higher Power is leading us to greater levels of growth.

On this day I practice trust by surrendering to the recovery process. I open my heart and thereby open myself to healing.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Hi everyone. I’m not sure if I’m here to rant or ask for advice, but I just want to get a sense or idea of what I’m supposed to do.

A few nights ago, my dad comes home drunk as usual and I help him from the house entrance to his room. He usually comes home drunk like this anywhere between 1-3 times a month.

The usual process is that my mom and I help him to their room, then my mom usually instructs me to stay in my room and he takes hours before he settles. Those hours are always very painful and traumatic for me— I can hear screaming and yelling and banging from both of them through the walls.

Usually it’s my mom telling my dad to stop hurting her- from what she tells me, he doesn’t hit her, he usually grips her wrists extremely hard (probably not aware of how hard his grip is while intoxicated) and she does come out with bruises around her wrist the following morning. So over the last few years I have built a lot of resentment towards my dad, especially when he drinks.

Last week was a bit different- after I bring him to his room with my mom and I go back to my room, they eventually come back out and my mom is yelling my name for help. I go out my room and see him gripping her wrists tightly again, and infuriates me so I run straight for his grip and try to push him away. He gets knocked down and when he gets back up, starts berating me with insults and goes full on wanting to fight me. I tell him I’m not trying to fight him and put my hands up- signaling I’m not trying to fight, and that he’s hurting my mom so I had to stop him. But this just triggers him more and he starts throwing punches directly to my head. Im not a violent person and can’t find it in my heart to intentionally punch or hurt my dad, im just trying to block and dodge, but I honestly feel so defeated/disheartened in whats happening and he lands 5 punches to my head. And more bruises around my body after this whole night.

After about 10 minutes im able to restrain him and hold him down on the bed for almost 2 hours straight. He’s trying to pull my hair, push my off, and I am honestly even more traumatized from him wailing because he does have claustrophobia, but I can’t risk him trying to hurt me/more people, or worse, going for the guns in the house (he mentioned getting them to use on himself while he was drunk that night).

It takes him another hour or two to settle down and become non-violent. Right after he knocks out and snoring around 7am until now, I’ve booked a place staying away from them and not knowing what’s going to happen next. I pleaded my mom to come with me but she chose to stay with him. Unbelievable.

Those hours of me restraining him - he goes on about how I should just kill him, this family is done, he has done his job and wishes me a good life. He doesn’t stop yapping the entire time until he falls asleep about self pity and self victimizing.

I guess if any advice I want to ask is I really don’t understand why he does this- even drunk, can he not register that I am his son? Or does he have deep rooted hate towards me? I have never been a bad kid or disobedient. I also don’t have enough financial runway to move out, so I eventually need to go home. I just don’t know what to expect or what to do. I don’t want to see him or talk to him again, or for at least a long time.

I guess if anyone has any words of advice or shared experiences- I would greatly appreciate anything right now. I have only told my girlfriend what’s happened and she’s been very supportive and even offering me her place to crash. I don’t know how I would’ve managed my processing and handling my corporate job without her help. I don’t want to share with my friends the details of what’s happened too.

Thanks.

Edit: for context I am 24, parents are 55 + 57…

I’m not entirely sure how to cope with my mother’s alcoholism. I’ll make it short but to give you a basic picture, she isnt a heavy heavy drinker , falling to the floor and unable to function kind of alcoholic. i tell myself all the time how it could be so much worse. and that’s 100% true. it could be worse.

but she’s indeed an alcoholic and it’s undeniable she should be off the sauce (she was actually sober for 5 years which was so awesome and then the drinking started back 10 years ago and hasn’t stopped since). tonight I was hit with a wave of sadness being around her and a few family members. she was the only one drinking.. it was such a low key early night, there was no reason to be downing wine while everyone’s back was turned.

what’s hard is that She just isn’t herself when she drinks; she becomes a different person. not nasty, but just completely unable to connect and so obviously intoxicated. and annoying. I just kind of put up a wall and don’t bother trying to interact with her, because it’s a fools errand. And idk maybe it shouldn’t make me sad and anxious, but it does. There’s always this ache in my chest being around her when she’s like this (which has been every single night this week). my biggest fear is things getting worse and it causing her health to decline. she’s 67.

wondering if anyone relates to having a parent with mild substance abuse that, while maybe not the most extreme case, still causes a lot of emotional distress. advice is welcome <33

Has anyone done an online step study with strangers before? I’m thinking about working the steps, but there are no sponsors I would like to work with where I am.

Trying to find other options.

(Sorry for my bad english and/or if this is not the right place to talk about this)

Please take some time to read this. I am 20, my sister is 12 and our mother is 45. Yesterday my dad (52) passed away due to liver failure (He was an alcoholic)

As far as my memory goes back into my childhood (10-11), I've mostly seen him fighting my mom because she was fed up with his addiction. It's not like he didn't used to love us. My mom tells me and even i remember (a little bit) that he used to take us places, dine at fancy restaurants, I had an amazing school to go to and my mom had everything she could ask for. All was good till I was like 10-11, he still used to drink alcohol but it wasn't severe or anything that could hurt his relations with his family until

My mom started noticing that he has started drinking more often and so she'd pick fights with him on a regular basis. It only kept going bad since that moment, Dad said that he'd like to have a daughter and promised to leave alcohol completely, after sometime in 2014 my sister came to this world and my mother and I had high hopes that things would get better now but well alcohol addiction is a btch. Things only went south from there, he drank more and more, the fights got louder and louder (He didn't used to hit her tho but he did slap her like 2-3 times in 21 years)

He was truly a good man and I know that but his addiction was strong, I blame him for fighting FOR his addiction not against it. He never admitted that he was wrong and when he finally lost his job like 4-5 years ago due to health, my mother cut down physical relations with him and that was the point he became the absolute worst version of himself.

From this point on (4-5 years ago) he had made my mom his enemy just because she refused to have physical relation with him, all of this made the fights even more intense.

All these years I came from loving my dad to hating him and my love for mom only grew stronger because I've seen her suffer but dad's relatives think otherwise, they sided with dad and always blamed my mom, it all made her stress so much. He started having hospital visits and admits regularly and after every discharge he'd just drink again.

I was 17-18 at the time when I had to look for a job to support my family because he had refused to work and just drink. I expected at least some appreciation from him for taking responsibility so early on but he instead fought me as well just because i used to side with my mom in their fights.

Ever since growing up I have always seen my mom suffer from constant headaches, lack of sleep, dead eyes and constant worrying about my dad. My appreciation and love for her only grew stronger and stronger day by day just because I saw her break down both physically and mentally. Only if he accepted that it was his fault that his addition got worse and not mom or anyone else then I would've cared for him

One argument that every relative of his points to and something that i blame myself everyday for- While growing up and watching him change as a man, I always tried to side with my mom rather than acting as a bridge between their understanding, i picked up on how my mother used to behave with him when he's drunk so I started doing the same, I never hugged him once (not that I remember off at least if it was in childhood). I've always been a huge introvert and I blame him for that because I grew weak watching him fight with mom. I feared to go near him because he used to break things in the house. The only regret I have is that I should've tried to be more close to him and try to handle things calmly instead of fighting like my mom but I wasn't so wise till it was too late. I mean even now if he somehow gets to live again, I still won't hug him because I truly despise him for hurting my mom and our family

Is it truly my fault and if so then to what extent?

Overall I could go on forever to tell various incidents but to sum it up, I am 20 and my mom has been married to him for like 21 years and half of my life, that is till 10, he was the best dad you could ask for and for the other 10 years till now, he had became the absolute worst and the exact opposite of who he used to be.

Now that he passed away yesterday, I shed absolutely 0 tears because i hated him and was glad that he was gone. I was not sad, i was angry and disappointed, he could've been the best dad in the world, all he had to do was understand that we fought his addiction not him as a person.

Am I a monster for not being sad even a bit due to my dad passing away or my feelings valid?

My birth mom overdosed and passed away in 2011 when I was 10 I was fully aware that she was a drug addict and so was our entire family. Every year since her death my aunt, her sister has been making FB posts about my birth moms death nothing negative but that's to be expected from a family that values public appearance more than anything, the problem with these posts is that she keeps repeating the lines "no one knew she was an addict" and that's a bunch of bs, how could adults not know something so blatantly obvious but how did a child that wasn't even allowed to watch tv, read books that wasn't the Bible, or play with kids that didn't go to our church realize her own mother was a drug addict. It's almost been 16 years since her death, my aunt makes these posts multiple times a year on my birth moms b-day her death anniversary and one random day throughout the year, I want to tell her so badly that no matter how many times she says no one knew my birth mom was an addict it won't change the fact that she was an addict. Hell my birth mom would brag about when she started using and how old she was and where she was, it wasn't a secret in our family everyone knew it's just that no one wanted to admit it because once they admitted it then the perfect image my nana made would be ruined.

Grandchildren Of Alcoholics

"More and more people are identifying as grandchildren of alcoholics. Technically, these ‘GCoAs' are ACAs. They were raised by parents who passed on the disease of family dysfunction without having alcohol in the home." BRB p. 56,  footnote 

Some of us have wandered through life wondering why we had so many problems. Our childhoods were not filled with alcoholism or addiction. And yet, there was a dark cloud over our homes. We couldn't talk openly; we couldn't be ourselves. There was a lot of confusing behavior. We received punishments that didn't make sense. We had to watch out for ourselves. Sometimes our parents were available, but often they were full of rage or confusion, or they seemed to mentally "check out."

The first time we heard the Laundry List in a meeting, we related to many of the characteristics even though no one drank or used drugs at home. We felt the need to be there. We heard others share and realized that ACA embraces all of us, simply because we walked in the door.

Working Step One gave us an opportunity to draw a family tree. We soon saw the connection: alcoholism and addiction in past generations. The disease of family dysfunction was like a legacy. This helped us stop wondering if we belonged so we could focus on recovering.

On this day, even if I can't pinpoint where there might have been addiction in my family, I know I belong in this program. I will use all the tools available to me to recover from my family's not-so-unique dysfunction.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I have such a terrible feeling of helplessness I feel like no one can relate to. I feel like a terrible person and like im so alone. Looking for kind words and advice I guess from some people who might get what im going through first hand. When anyone tries to comfort me who I know hasnt experienced being a child of an addict I just get annoyed at them.

Denial

I’ve been recovering many years. I’ve used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me, I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial–as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed – strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It’s an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I’m also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I’m on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.

I’ve gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn’t my job to run around ripping people’s blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I’ve learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don’t have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don’t have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I’m around warm people, I don’t need to use my blanket.

I’ve gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I’ve gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself–and others–for those times I have used denial.'

By Melodie Beattie.

Hi, I needed some advice as I’ve been stuck in this weird place of anger, it feels like I’m in limbo actually, I won’t make this long but for context, two years ago my cousin moved into my house, it used to be just me, my mum and brother.

Ever since she moved in I had disliked how she spoke to me, I never thought she was a terrible person, I thought of her as considerate and loyal, however that does not mean I can turn a blind eye to everything, the way she would speak to me made me feel like I’m a child who’s just learnt to walk, it was irritating and I’d have to hold my breathe, I never wanted to make her uncomfortable, I just kept thinking it must be so hard for her to be away from home and to live here, so I should show her grace.

She just kept getting worse, she’d involve herself in arguments between myself and my mum where it wasn’t needed, she’d lecture me when it wasn’t her place to, god forbid I’d say anything back, she’d go behind my back and tell my family I’m ’insolent’. It was frustrating dealing with someone painting you out to be a certain way to others when you’re just not, that and having to deal with her lectures she has no right to give me when my mother is right there and her talking down to me.

I distanced for this reason because I hated being around someone like this so I’d avoid her in my own home, this year my mum passed and her condescension seemed to get worse. She accuses me of things that simply aren’t true, (not cleaning up after myself basically) my brother leaves messes everywhere his room is basically a bin. I explain constantly it’s him, I put a great deal of effort to clean up, she dismisses every explanation to her complaint, constantly choosing to see me as a lazy person who doesn’t want to do anything. It frustrating, plus given my recent grief yes some days i just don’t wanna do anything, she doesn’t understand that, after my mum passed she got mad at me for not going to work, when I told her I was dealing with grief her response was ‘well I’m grieving too and I still work.’

A few days ago a situation happened and I finally snapped, I sent her a message explaining myself because she again had accused me of not cleaning up after myself, I was very clear about everything including the way she talks to me and I set a boundary and asked for her not to communicate with me, that we could live under the same roof but for her to leave me alone.

What she sent in response was disgusting and again dismissive, she accused me of being ungrateful, stated me as the problem, brought up things completely unrelated to what I said such as how she does every chore around the house and lets me eat her food, basically saying I had no right to have this take on her because she does ‘a lot’ for me.

It got even worse after that and we argued in person, my stepdad also dismissed me when I told him the problem isn’t about chores it’s the way she behaves with ME. He dismissed saying ‘how can you say that when she cooks and cleans?’

I left my house at that very moment. I couldn’t hear any more of it, I cried the whole way to my aunties home. I’m still there now, that house is my house but I don’t want to go back so long as she’s there, but it’s my house, and I should feel comfortable there, but I don’t know how to, not while she sleeps and lives there, she says she will move out so it’s only a matter of time till she’s gone, but in the mean time, I don’t know how to live under the same roof as her without feeling this rage, this urge to scream every time I even hear her voice.

I don’t know what to do or how to navigate this, I just want to breathe under my roof without feeling uncomfortable.

This is my first time posting in here and I hope someone can give me some advice on how to handle this situation with my parents.

I am the youngest of three daughters ( we are 42, 44, and 52). My parents are 70F and 67M. My dad used Al-Anon to get sober back in the 80’s when I was a toddler. I grew up in a completely dry house and my parents used to talk to us openly about the dangers of alcohol and our hereditary predisposition to developing it.

We have alcoholism on both sides of the family. My dad has a lot of trauma from his childhood due to my grandfather being very physically abusive.

On my mom’s side, my grandpa was sober from the 1950’s until he passed in 2014. On his deathbed, he asked for wine. This had some kind of psychological impact on my mom and dad, and was the catalyst to them deciding that my dad should drink again. I’ve never understood or agreed with this decision. In my mind, seeing a person with over 50 years of sobriety requesting alcohol on their deathbed is pretty solid proof that an alcoholic is an alcoholic to the end. I don’t understand witnessing that and coming away from it thinking that it’s a sign to fall off the wagon.

Anyway, I recognize that I’m an adult that lives on my own and my parents don’t owe me an explanation for their choices, so I tried to just process my feelings independently and keep my opinions to myself. However, things seem to be spiraling out of control now and I don’t know what to do.

At a wedding out of town over the weekend, I guess my parents really went hard on the wine. I didn’t see it because I wasn’t able to attend the wedding, but my sister has been updating me. My parents got so drunk the two nights before the wedding that my brother in law and my aunt had to help them get back to their AirBNB. One of the nights my mom told my sister to drive slow because she and my dad were going to follow them when everyone was going to dinner because “dad had a lot of wine”. I have NEVER known my parents to drink and drive. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.

The morning after the wedding, my dad called my sister because he couldn’t find his car keys. When she didn’t answer, he decided to walk to her AirBNB. It was uphill and several miles. My sister said when she saw him he was shaking and out of breath. I’m terrified. Like, is he shaking because he needs a drink?

I have a suspicion that they are drinking boxed wine nightly. My mom thinks the boxed wine is fine because it’s ‘lighter’ on alcohol. But my dad has gotten so wrapped up in drinking now that my sister said the first thing he did when they arrived to their rentals was go to the store to buy a box of wine. It’s like it’s all he’s thinking about.

I’m really at a loss. I feel like I don’t even know my parents anymore. These aren’t the people I grew up with. I have so many feelings about this. Primarily, I’m worried for their physical and mental health. But I’m also feeling a lot of resentment. I don’t understand what they are thinking. It all feels very hypocritical and crazy to me. I feel disappointed in them and very worried. I want to have a conversation about it with them, but my mother is a very defensive person. I don’t think she will be receptive. Could someone who has been in this situation give me some advice?

I’m about five years old. I always loved dogs. My neighbor’s dog was a crazy beagle and one day I decided to give him a big kiss. He happened to be eating his dinner so he bit me. (My brother had a dog who I could kiss whenever I wanted so I didn’t think twice about kissing Jiggys). I ran home crying and I remember my family was in the backyard. my mom asked me what happened but I wouldn’t tell her. They never brought me to the hospital even though clearly something had happened to my lip. I have a scar to this day. many years later I asked my mom why she never took me to the hospital when I got bit. She said “you never told us what happened”. That makes no sense. How was I so scared of telling my family what happened? I was probably afraid that I would get in trouble. My mom was very reactive. If anyone spilled milk on the floor accidentally she would lose it. I felt comfortable enough to confide in my neighbor who owned the dog. She was this chill hippie kind of mom. She told my parents what happened. She told me that the dog didn’t mean to hurt me but since he was eating he didn’t want me to take away his food. He bit me and then went back to eating. I got over my fear of dogs because of what she said. It made sense and I felt safe opening up to her.

Long story of my life. Apologies for the length!

My (33f) mom has been an alcoholic since her teens, probably around 16/17. She is now 62 and still drinks. Shes had brief periods of sobriety when my siblings and I were born and when she was with my dad. They both about 7 years sober until they relapsed together. My dad was an alcoholic and drug addict. My mom has only struggled with alcohol. Luckily after their divorce when I was 5 my dad was able to get sober probably about 3 years or so after his relapse and remained sober and clean until his death from cancer when he was 48 and I was 16. My mom was then sober on and off for maybe a year at most since her relapse when I was 5. So we’re talking long term alcohol use. It was bad. My two siblings and I were subjected to emotional, verbal, physical, and financial abuse. I still remember the day when I was 7 that I was able to notice something was off with my mom. My 5 year old brother tried to give her a hug because she was crying and she pushed him off of her. My brother and I started hiding her car keys when we were about 9 and 7 to stop her from driving and leaving all of us alone in the house. One time I was so sick I could barely walk and no one was home so I had to crawl to the bathroom to throw up. She would come home in the middle of the night slumped over in the kitchen often. I even stamped suicide at 18 buy overdosing because of the abuse, then panicked and told her I needed to go to the hospital. Instead she locked herself in her room and slit her wrist with a wine opener. I ended up driving to the ER by myself. Luckily I was ok.

Fast forward to 2019 when my oldest sibling died suddenly from septic shock due to a staph infection after having gender confirming top surgery. Absolutely horrific. They were only 28 and I was 26. Understandably it was devastating and traumatizing. If anyone has seen someone on ECMO you know what I’m talking about.

Well since then my mom’s drinking has gotten even more out of control than it already was. She had a flood in her house (my childhood home) and was too messed up to ever deal with it. So the house is moldy and should be condemned. Shes been living in hotels and airbnbs for about 2 years now. I haven’t been home in over 3 years. I have since had a son who is 4 and have put up the most boundaries ever have with her (including blocking her for months) because I will not allow anything like that around him. I don’t like the person I become when I talk to her. I become angry like I used do as a child and am then easily triggered by overstimulation. But sometimes it’s hard because I don’t have another parent. My family went from 5 to 3 within 10 years. My brother struggles with substance abuse as well but we do have a good relationship and he is working on getting sober.

It’s not a new thing since my sibling died but recently when my mom is drinking she will text me things like “the wrong child died”, “they were my favorite” and other things like that. I’m used to the verbal abuse but it constantly feels like I’m competing with a ghost. My sibling was my best friend and I grieve them relentlessly everyday.

When my mom is sober she’s actually a really wonderful person. Which makes it even more difficult.

Not sure what I’m looking for from this other than omg it sucks so bad already grieving the loss of my dad and sibling on top of basically preemptively grieving her. Fuck alcohol so much and how frustrating it is to endure this treatment when they don’t even remember what they said to you while drinking 🫠

Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far ♥️

My dad is an alcoholic and my mom works far away to provide money for me and my sibling my dad refuses to work and just wastes the money on beer and plays games all day it made me feel as if my self worth didn't exist. All my dad does is complain about the house when me and my sibling are too tired to even clean anymore and never helps but only makes the mess worse than it already was.. sometimes I think my mom loves my dad more than she loves me and my sibling since she never had a talk with my dad about his behavior but my mom is a great understanding mom but I don't like how she just sometimes lets him do these things to us.

How many of you are grandchildren of alcoholics? I am. Have you thought that healing is some kind of different?

Stop reading after the first paragraph if you don’t want to hear about physical violence. I am 27 years old and live in a city 5 hours from my parents. I’m not even gonna go into the long story about their history and my childhood here, but instead I’m just gonna describe the event that just took place an hour ago because I don’t know where else to turn.

We have a family group chat with me, my parents, my two siblings, and my brother’s wife (I feel so bad that she has to be included in all this bullshit).

About an hour ago a text from my mom’s number was sent into the group with a picture of my dad’s bloody forearm and a bunch of rambling texts saying that my mom had attacked him and broken his phone by throwing it. It looked like my mom has either bitten or scratched my dad’s arm.

If anyone spent more than 5 minutes witnessing one of their drunk fights, they would instantly come to the conclusion that their existence is beyond hope and there’s no coming back from the alcohol-induced insanity they have brought themselves to. I’m not saying my mom’s physical abuse is justified at all, but my dad has certainly enacted an ongoing system of emotional abuse against my mom throughout the years.

Anyway, at some point I feel like I need to get the authorities involved somehow (though tbh there have been incidents much worse than this in the past 10 years). Here’s where things get tricky: my mom is a practicing doctor and yet my parents still don’t have enough saved for retirement. But at some point someone is gonna have to call the police.

I just don’t know what to do but I know from the bottom of my heart that none of this is my fault.

My husband told me that she practically took our daughter out of my husband hands when she was crying . So i send this messesge to her becuase not even a minute before that, i had told her “mom dont go over there A**** (my husband ) got it. Next think i see my mom comes walking out with my daughter in her hands .

so i decided to just tell her it felt like my “wishes” as the mom were disrespected by her (the gma)
Typically when i would “confront “ her in the past i get a subtle silent treatment from her or my dad comes calling me telling me that now “mom is sad an stressed and she cant be “stressed.”
The text.

“Mom, earlier today, when I asked if and we could handle things ourselves—why did she end up in your arms anyway? 🤔 Did A**** give her to you? I feel like you don't hear me when I say, "Please don't go over there; stay here— A****and I will sort it out." Of course, we’re grateful for your help, but sometimes there are situations where, as parents, we want to calm her down ourselves rather than having her go straight into Grandma's arms. It creates conflict between us. Again, we’re thankful for the help, but in this instance, I had said we wanted to handle it ourselves. In other situations, we practically push her toward you. I just want to have a conversation with you—please don't be offended. Our relationship is important to me, and M loves her grandma; I want us to keep things good between us. That’s why I’m bringing this up: could I ask you not to go straight to M, but instead let us calm her down, even if it takes a bit longer? 🤍

Just a quick vent here. Last night, my alcoholic mom got incredibly drunk, she was being vindictive all day and very passive agressive. Just trying to pick fights with everyone around her. She got so drunk that she passed out by 6 after speaking with her narcissistic friend and woke back up by 8:30, she then stayed up till 10:30. Around 9:30, she started asking me would you rather questions, some weird stuff about who would I choose to date based on appearance.

Then, as soon as my dad went to bed, she said "okay. Well, I'll just get to it. Would you rather kill me or your dad?" I kept telling her neither, and that I'm going to bed, but she kept just harping on and told me to sit down. I finally said that I would rather kill her since she even asked me that question, that it was incredibly inappropriate, and that I love them both. She then started asking which of my disabled siblings I would kill, WHICH IS EVEN WORSE. I told her no, and despite her protests and telling me to sit down, I left for bed. It's the next morning, and although she's already started drinking around 7 AM, her behavior is relatively at bay. I wasn't responding 100% back to her good mornings and comments of the day and she's already asked "are you in a good mood or a bad mood today?" "How's that computer I bought you? Still good?" Even though I didn't ask her to do that.

I regret answering those questions, but she really twisted my hand. I feel like the biggest pushover in existence, and I feel bad because when I do stand up to her, or respond with something snappy, because she'll throw out "don't yell at me, it's abusive". She won't respect my boundaries and constantly makes passive aggressive or say mean shit like calling me Karen Carpenter to call out that I'm skinny, or say that I'm somehow a bitch.

Yeah, so I just had to get this out there. Thanks for my TED talk.

ANOTHA ONE ☝️
(of my posts about my mother unfortunately)

When I talk about being raised by my alcoholic mom, “abuse” feels like the right word, but sometimes just feels weird coming out of my mouth.

OR maybe when my mom sometimes asks what’s my problem with her, I mention abuse and she vehemently denies it. So I think maybe it feels weird to say because it’s being immediately rejected, if that makes sense?

So I’m asking if these things I’ve experienced fall under the umbrella of abuse (some I KNOW are, but others might be grey area?)

•the actual physical abuse, not all the time but yk not uncommon growing up
•picking fights w/everyone, us kids, grandma, family, neighbors, everyone.
•name calling, not even just bad words like talking sht on my character, bc how am I a selfish b& itch at age 12 🧍‍♀️(I am an adult now but tb )
• drunk driving with us kids in the car
•forgetting to pick me up from school sometimes when drunk
•Keeping me up all night, on school nights just to deal with her
•when locked out of rooms, BANGING on doors so hard they’d break, on & off for hours usually in the sleepy hours of the night
• destroying personal belongings
• rampaging, messing up everything in the house
•Yelling + Screaming + Terrorizing (usual drunk stuff)
•lowk put me in states of shock where I couldn’t move, i don’t really know about this one bc those instances were so surreal, not sure if that’s what shock is but ik I shut down or something
•didn’t get me help when I expressed the very worst very bad mentally ill thoughts I was thinking as a minor

probably maybe not abuse ABUSE but just damaging

-being visibly drunk around others in public with me
-ignored/silent treatment after really bad nights, like she sensed we were still mad and just never addressed it, we kind of just had to move on.
-if we brought up a bad night it was always, “well i remember what you guys did” (#selfdefense) while she seemingly forgot all the crazy things she was doing
-trying to protect her from herself, she used to fall often & hard asf

I actually, literally got off the phone with my mom right before writing this. She tried to tell me she never abused me or my siblings & that I lived a good life. So I needed to write this all down.

I’ve moved out, and I’m very low contact with her now. Did some therapy here and there. I’m ok, all is generally well. The recent phone call was just agitating. It’s like I live my life, I’m good, I know what I’ve been through, but then having the person who put you through them act like they didn’t… grated my nerves something fierce. Plus it made me question it all, so that’s why I asked.