Hello long rant ahead huhu.

I just genuinely want to go on a date and love someone.

I know they say that good things come to those who wait but I'm honestly just getting a little bit impatient at this point HAHA. I mean, I'm not rushing naman. I know that love isn't something you can force, and I don't want to settle just because I'm tired of being alone. Pero minsan talaga napapaisip ako, when am I ever gonna experience that kind of love?

Yung genuine. Yung hindi mo kailangang pagdudahan every five seconds. Yung hindi ka matatakot maging vulnerable kasi alam mong safe ka with that person. Yung love na hindi ka ipaparamdam na you're too much, too needy, too sensitive, or not enough. I want a love that makes me feel secure, not small. A love that doesn't make me question my worth or constantly wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

And honestly, I just want to experience the simple things. I want someone to ask me out on an actual date. Like, "What day are you free?" and actually make plans. I want to dress up and get excited because someone genuinely wants to spend time with me. I want those random late-night conversations, spontaneous coffee dates, sending each other pictures throughout the day, having someone to tell about the most random thing that happened to me. I want to know what it's like to have a person.

I genuinely want to date. I WANT TO DATE. HAHAHA. Pero saan ba kasi??? 😭

I've been trying naman. I'm putting myself out there, I'm open to meeting people, pero online dating just doesn't work for me. I don't know if it's the apps, the people I've met, or baka hindi lang talaga doon yung way na I'll meet someone. Parang ang hirap kasi to meet someone organically nowadays. Saan ba dapat??? Sa coffee shop? Sa aestite na pinopost ng mga tao sa tiktok? Sa grocery aisle habang parehong naghahanap ng sabon pang-laba??? 😭

And before anyone says, "Just let it happen naturally," I KNOW. I KNOW. Hahaha. I'm trying. I'm genuinely trying to let life happen at its own pace. I'm not sitting here expecting someone to magically appear tomorrow and sweep me off my feet. I just can't help but wonder sometimes.

When is it going to be my turn?

Kailan ko mararanasan yung love na hindi ko kailangang matakot? Yung love na hindi ako liliit para lang magkasya sa buhay ng ibang tao. Yung love na hindi ko kailangang pagtrabahuhan nang sobra para lang piliin ako. Yung love na peaceful. Yung love na parang, "Oh. So this is what it feels like to be loved properly."

Maybe I'm just being impatient. Maybe it's not my time yet. And I'm trying to be okay with that.

Pero huhu, I just want to go on a date. 😭 HAHAHA.

I want to have a crush. I want to get excited when my phone lights up. I want to look forward to seeing someone. I want to fall in love and, for once, not have that love come with fear attached to it.

I don't want to rush into anything just for the sake of saying I'm not single anymore. I want something real. Something genuine. Something that feels safe. Something I've never experienced before.

So yeah, I'm still waiting.

But damn, universe. Pwede bang bilisan mo nang konti? HAHAHA.

🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

The odds aligned just enough for our paths to cross,

When I first saw vou, there was that tiny pinch in my chest, a quiet nudge, almost nothing, but enough to make me call you my unspoken tug. Then time, as always, moved fast and indifferent. You had someone dear. and I learned to swallow what I felt until it settled somewhere deep and quiet. I thought I played it cool But life, ever the trickster, brought us closer instead. The gaps thinned, the walls I built caved in (the ones meant to keep me from feeling this)

You said you'd never like me (repeatedly). I believed you I repeated it enough times it almost became a comfort. I told myself I belonged to that 10% you'd never see that way, and that's fine, I had my logic. I had control. But logic didn't prepare me when my emotion took over...

It wasn't your kindness that pulled me in, that was just an accessory, a quiet plus. It was how you unknowingly made space for me to be unguarded. to exist without pretending. You made vulnerability feel less like exposure and more like breathing. And somewhere within that comfort, I began wanting to know you beyond what's visible, the small details, the fragments that made you, the reasons behind your stillness and laughter. I wanted to unravel you without breaking anything in the process. (yet here I am)

I've long accepted that some feelings are meant to stay unsaid. So l'll keep this one where it belongs, between silence and understanding. I'd rather stay in this fragile middle, where I can admire and write about you without losing you

Because I know we won't happen. And maybe that's fine. Still, it's strange... how something that never began already feels like something I'm learning to let go of.

This was written last January, a letter na para sayo pero hindi ko na rin nabigay kasi nga masaya ka na. It was bittersweet (looking back lang). Sobrang hirap mainlove sa potential. Glad I was able to get a hold of my self and nakagraduate na ko sayo, Paolo.

Hello, andito na ako sa office. Pero before ako makarating sa office may nakasabay ako sumakay sa van.

When I was in college, I engaged sa different leadership roles, edi naging SSC Senator ako which I met this guy, during my term— elected naman siya as Vice President. Naging chairman ako ng Committee on Good Governance, siya naman ang co-chairman. Naging President siya ng Judiciary, ako naman ang Internal Vice.

Honestly, sa two terms namin both, elected kasi kami from from 2021 to 2023. Nafall ako, kasi matalino, gwapo, mabait, masipag, born to be a leader ika nga ng nakararami. Before kami mag graduate nung 2023, before mag end ang term namain. Nag confess ako, first time mag confess, first time ko mag desire to be loved by someone kasi independent ako, at wala akong pakialam sa mga partner, jowa, MU, et. al that time. So ayun nag confess ako, and thanks God huhuhu gusto niya din pala ako at nag hihintay lang na mag confess ako, so natrigger ako ako at nainis.

To make things short, di kami nag work out HAHAHAHAHA di kami compatible, tama talaga na kahit gano niyo pa kagusto ang isa't isa kung di talaga para sa isa't isa, di talaga HAHAHAHAHA year 2023 yung last na interaction namin.

But guys kanina lang HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hfoamsbeebrk nakasabay ko siya sa van na sinasakyan ko, tas katabi ko pa HSKSMSBSKEKECIDHR tapos di ko pa malalaman na siya pala yun kung di niya pa ko tinapik sa balikat. Nabigla ako HAHAHA tapos nanlaki pa nga ata yung mata kong singkit nung na realize ko na siya nga yun HUHUHUHUHUHU biglang nag flashback lahat ng naganap simula nung nagkakilala kami up to nung last interaction namin, and nakaka awkward siya, literal na di ako makagalaw tapos panay lang tingin ko sa kanya at ang awkward HUHUHUHUHU iba parin talaga ang pakiramdam na makita at makausap yung tao na pinag pray mo kay God. Nag nung medyo nahimasmasan ako, nag usap nalang kami about work, about life. Nauna ako bumaba and sabi niya pa mag ingat ako sa work, kaya sabi ko "okieee po, ikaw din po ingat ikaw sa work" and pinisil niya kamay ko before ako lumabas ng van.

Hay buhay, ang sarap talaga mabuhay kahit may mga bagay na gustong gusto natin pero di pwede ibigay satin. Actually, bumalik yung feelings ko for him, but I am contented na na makita siyang happy, well well pwede naman natin e love yung tao kahit di natin sila maging partner in life. And that's okay, may TOTGA, my first love.

Sometimes I wonder if being funny and having a good personality is actually enough for someone to like you.
I know I’m not boring to talk to. I can hold a conversation, I can make people laugh, and I don’t think I’m unattractive either. I’m easy on the eyes, at least.

But maybe physical attraction really does come first for most people, or maybe it just depends on who you meet. Maybe it really is just the wrong person. Or the wrong timing.

I want to know what it feels like to be pursued, to be cared for, to have someone be genuinely sweet and affectionate with me. But at the same time, I’m scared of being judged solely by how I look before someone even gets to know me.

I’m in the last year of my 20s and I still haven’t experienced a real romantic relationship. And honestly, it’s weird. Some days I crave affection so badly. Other days I look at men and think, “You know what? I’m actually fine.” HAHAHA. 😂

Maybe having a funny personality, a decent conversation, and a sexy brain just isn’t enough to make someone want to pursue you.

Or maybe I just haven’t met the person who sees those things as enough. Who knows. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Or cut contact na and mag-move on?

Nababalot na naman ako ng lungkot, gusto ko lahat ibuhos ‘to. Pero gusto ko rin na habang binubuhos ko ‘to ay nandito ka sa tabi ko, hawak-hawak at yakap-yakap mo ako.
Ambigat at ang sakit umiyak nang mag-isa.
Dinggin sana ng langit ang puso kong lumuluha — sana katabi kita, sana kasama kita..

- ♾️

I've been reading posts here in Reddit about complaints in relationships... cheating, partners being addicted to gambling or video games, partners who are emotionally avoidant, partners who are have sexual issues, people falling out of love, abusive partners, feelings of being invalidated...so many issues. When I was single, I would read them and and think... thank goodness I wouldn't have to deal with any of that crap.

But now I'm unexpectedly in a relationship myself and my current partner is the greenest green flag in the entire planet. Is this for real? Is it because we're just starting out? Are things going to change eventually? Am I going to turn out to be the red flag of the two of us?

The thing is, I feel like I know his core values. I know his family, his upbringing, his sense of commitment, the struggles and pains he has endured... and if we're going by historical data and doing the math... he's the real deal.

I don't want to be the red flag. But I also know between us two, I'm the impulsive one. The clumsy one. The one who doesn't know what the hell she's doing. The one whose temper changes like the waxing and waning of the moon.

I want to feel I deserve this. After all, I'm confident in my affections for him. It's as real as it can get. I didn't force him to be with me. He chose me...even if initially I made attempts to dissuade him. And I didn't really pretend to be someone I wasn't. I couldn't if I tried. We have a lot of history together.

So... I hope, truly and deeply, that whatever challenges come our way, it won't be something that will make us lose respect for each other. That I do right by him. And that I don't wake up one day realizing that I just imagined and romanticized everything he felt for me.

I've been through many heartbreaks. So somehow, someone like him feels unreal. And that sometimes overwhelms and scares me if I think on it too deeply. So often I don't. I just take things casually as it comes. Like he's just a normal part of my life now.

I must have done something good to be blessed like this. I don't even know what. But whatever it may be, I'm grateful. I hope I stay steadfast instead of eventually running for the hills due to my inner demons whispering how unworthy I am. And hope we stay this way... forever. If forever exists.

2 decades of marriage...spouse asked asked me the question: "wala na ba tayong pag-asa?"

I said, "Wala na... pagod na pagod na ako."

That's it. That's how two decades quietly ended --- not with a fight, not with someone walking out, just an exhausted woman finally being honest herself.

We agreed to stay friends and be present parents to our kids. We're still under the same roof, still co-parenting, still civil --- just not "us" anymore in the way we used to be.

I told him I won't run after him, even if he goes and seeks relationships with men --- something he's struggled with throughout our marriage, something I used to make my problem to fix. Not anymore.

Honestly, I don't feel broken saying this. I feel tired in a different way now --- the kind of tired that comes after finally putting something down instead of carrying it. Malaking bagay pala yung marealize mo na okay lang mag-let go, even after so many years, even with kids involved, even when "wala na" feels like giving up pero sa totoo lang, parang paghinga na rin pala siya.

Sharing this as a way of my healing...sabi nga ni Angela Ken, "ako naman muna"

I wish I weren’t straight. At least women try to take care of themselves and look nice. Try to communicate. I’ve been trying out apps because it’s impossible to have encounters organically, but men 30+ especially just start to decay. Ano baaaaa nakakainis!! Narerealize ko lang women try to put in so much effort meanwhile I’ve been scrolling through men who introduce themselves as ‘alpha’, ‘sigma’, or open with a message that’s stupidly misogynistic. 😭 I feel like I’m hallucinating pero bakit ganon maayos ako so shempre maghahanap ako ng kahit malinis man lang tignan tas may sense magtype aaaaaaa

ano ba gamot dito 😭 sabi kasi wag na pumasok sa situationship na yan. sumpa talaga

Dear you,

I still think about how often we seemed to miss each other. Not physically, but in the way we understood things. We could have the same conversation and somehow walk away from it carrying completely different versions of what happened. Maybe that’s why everything between us always felt harder than it needed to be.

I know there were times I pushed too much. I asked questions when maybe you were already tired of answering them, and I kept trying to make sense of things even when you had probably already decided you didn’t want to explain any further. I can admit that now. I know I didn’t always handle things well.

But I still wonder if you ever understood why I was trying so hard in the first place.

I wasn’t always asking because I wanted more from you. Sometimes I just wanted to know where I stood. Sometimes I wanted to know if what I was feeling was something I made up on my own or if you felt the confusion too. I think I kept trying to explain myself because I wanted to feel like you understood where I was coming from, even if you didn’t agree with me.

You would listen. You would respond. Sometimes you would say you understood. And I never really knew if you meant it.

That still bothers me more than I want it to.

Did anything I said ever stay with you after we stopped talking? Did you ever think about it later and understand me a little differently? Did you ever realize that maybe I wasn’t trying to make things difficult, I just didn’t know what to do with something I couldn’t make sense of?

I know I misunderstood you too. I know there were things I took personally that probably weren’t meant that way, and things I made heavier than you intended them to be. I’ve had to accept that.

I just wish I knew if you ever thought you might have misunderstood me too.

Maybe that’s why we kept hurting each other without really meaning to. I would react to the distance I felt from you, and maybe you would react to the pressure you felt from me. Then I would notice you pulling away and try harder to understand, which probably only made you want more distance. We kept responding to each other’s reactions until neither of us really knew what the other person was trying to say anymore.

And I still don’t know if you ever really heard me.

Not whether you heard the words. I know you did.

I mean, did you ever actually get what I was trying to tell you?

Or were you just being kind enough to let me finish because you wanted the conversation to finally be over?

I hope it wasn’t that.

I really do.

Because I can make peace with the fact that you didn’t always understand me.

I think what still hurts is not knowing whether you ever really wanted to.

i tried to divert my mind sa overthinking na to pero para lang akong binubugbog ng mga tots ko. sobrang nakakalungkot. gulat na lang ako may luha na tumutulo HAHAHAH

tapos nakikisabay pa ang work na follow up. mga miss maem 6PM po ang out natin. kine-cater ko pa tong demonyo sa utak ko

gusto ko na lang maglaho na parang bula. hnndhensowbuenwoa