r/AskBlackGayBros • u/Time-Introduction601 • 2d ago
Discussion What is this pattern?
I’m 36m and crazy about this guy who is more than a decade older than me.
It’s been a year with no commitment but three kinda breakups. Each time, that pattern’s the same. I love on him more and more, feel him pull away, and then comes the kinda breakup. I fall back, and a week or so goes by before he reaches back out and maybe tells me that he misses me. THIS is where the confusion is and it’s happening right now —
He asks me about who I’ve been with, who they are, what we’ve done, and so many other details. The first kinda breakup, there was nothing to tell. The second one, I told him about this guy and he lost it. Still brings it up but its crazy because he’s told me about many many other people he’s been with since the beginning and told me he’s not looking for anything. This time, there’s nothing to tell again because the connection I feel for him is so strong that I can’t allow myself to go further with any guys. Told him this and he accuses me of lying.
What is this pattern? If I were your friend, what would you tell me? Especially want to hear from anyone who’s been through this.
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u/Hot_Radish_9840 2d ago
Why are you entertaining a man you're not exclusively committed to?
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u/Time-Introduction601 2d ago
I keep trying to answer, realizing I don’t know the answer to this question. Its like he has a hold on me that is really difficult to break because its so hard to understand
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u/Hot_Radish_9840 2d ago
Choose you as easily as he chooses himself and his comfort.
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u/Time-Introduction601 2d ago
I seriously need to think on what choosing myself looks like with him because I feel like I am, he reaches out, and then I’m all in again. If I were really choosing myself, it probably wouldn’t keep going this way
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u/Individual_Company37 2d ago
You’re desperate for love and affection and going to get from whoever is easier for you and he knows you’ll be there so he’s just going to continue the same pattern with you of breaking up and coming back.
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u/Time-Introduction601 2d ago
Damn 😩
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u/Individual_Company37 2d ago
Therapy but I actually think it’s not going to work. It’s just the way some people are.
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u/Kennected 2d ago
I would start by saying, I'm only hearing your side of the situation and as you know in a relationship, there are three sides to every story, yours, your partners and the truth.
Things I would ask:
- Do you love and respect yourself?
- What exactly are you crazy about this man?
- What are you getting out this "situation"?
- Do you think, feel or believe, the choice you and your partner have made over the course of your "situation" is "normal"?
- Most importantly, why do you want to continue the cyclical nature of this "situation"?
As your friend you have enabled this. You need to look at the positives and negatives of this situation and make a grown man decision.
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u/Time-Introduction601 2d ago
Im hurting rn but ngl, the Iyanla energy of this post is felt and very much needed. You lowkey know/ can guess the answers to most of these questions, too ashamed to actually answer 😩
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u/New-Regular-9423 2d ago
This man sounds unhealed; he hasn’t done the inner work required to build healthy long term romantic commitment. If this isn’t what you want, then you need to move on. You can’t love him
Into healing.
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u/Time-Introduction601 2d ago
This helps me see another pattern I’ve caught myself in with this, because my first thought is that I’m unhealed, too, and have been trying to work on it. I try focusing on that but I just did not expect things to get this deep. It was just supposed to be a hookup and eventually, maybe, fwb. But it turned into something else
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u/Kennected 2d ago
Are you in Therapy?
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u/Time-Introduction601 2d ago
Yes, I am
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u/Kennected 2d ago
I hope you're discussing this in therapy and applying coping techniques that you and your therapist agree upon.
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u/Time-Introduction601 2d ago
She’s new but I have told her about this situation. Finding a fit for my therapist is a whole other issue I’ve been dealing with!
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u/BlkShroud50 2d ago
I would tell you you're wasting your time. If he wanted to be with you, you two would be a couple. The man just likes having access to you. He enjoys your company. He likes spending time with you, and he likes the sex. But he's not going to commit. It's time for you to part ways. You've gotten all you're going to get from him.
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u/Time-Introduction601 2d ago
Thank you for being real with me. Been sitting with what everyone’s been saying today, and seeing this
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u/TerrificTChalla 2d ago
I would ask you directly what about this dynamic makes you feel comfortable and you consider worth staying in? And what about this pattern of instability in your dynamic, is causing you to reflect about yourself?
I could care less about the other person, because I’m not their friend and there could be a million and one reasons why the way that they are.
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u/Porsche_first 1d ago
He’s unavailable die to what ever issues and you are a glutton for punishment ,as this mad dont treat you as well as you’d like but keep accepting it.
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u/Soulegit 11h ago edited 11h ago
I would tell you to tighten up, friend! He acting this way because you keep picking up the phone! It don’t matter what he says if what he does makes you feel bad about yourself in any way. He could promise you the sun, moon, and all the stars in the sky but if he’s always playing one foot in, one foot out with you, who cares?! He likes knowing that someone who is younger and thus has more social currency in the community (because let’s be honest, a lot of the LGBT male community is AGEIST as all get out) is crazy about him so it’s time to get SANE. I personally wouldn’t tell someone who ain’t my man who I been with because it’s 1) irrelevant 2) to quote MTS “do a n- how he think he finna do me. Get what I want then I go missing” “I don’t call you when you be with them hoes so don’t blow me up when you see I’m with mine”. He wasn’t prioritizing you, so why you accepting him throwing a tantrum that you ain’t prioritize him? This anecdote reminds me of Bojack Horseman, the show. You say he’s well over a decade older than you which means he is DAMN NEAR FIFTY, if not OVER FIFTY BLACK(?) AMERICAN YEARS OLD. He way too old to not know better. This is who he is and that’s him. Who are YOU and what are YOU finna do? In BH, Bojack is 51 in the first season and about 57 in the final season and he spends the WHOLE SHOW being toxic, playing with people’s feelings whether on a business level, a friend level, a romantic level and a sexual level. You’re dealing with a Bojack! It’s not too late to be “Nice While It Lasted” Diane! He may think you got the hots for him so it’s time to show him and YOU that you can be cool off him. I’m 28 though so if you don’t value my perspective based on that, I can understand that
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u/Time-Introduction601 11h ago
Whoa, this response is 🔥 honestly, I accepted the tantrums because it felt like he cared. But I’m coming around to caring for me more and my senses. I’ve been taking the last few days to think on all of this and get a gameplan together. Got therapy early AM tomorrow, too! It’s time to think about me, finally
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u/ajwalker430 2d ago
As an older Black gay man, he doesn't know how to have a relationship. You're caught in the backlash. He's not emotionally available to you and he doesn't know that he doesn't know that.
Older Black gay men have a really hard time with relationships unless they luck up early in life and out in the work.
If his normal modus operandi has been going from hook up to hook up and his "dating" life has been with some dude he hooked up more than twice and calling that "dating," he hasn't put in the work to be available to you if you're looking for something serious, substantial, long term, and productive.
Right now, he's showing you who he is and what you're going to get with him.
Unfortunately, that's probably not going to change. There will be no "epiphanies," he's been like this long before you met and will be like this when you eventually get tired and move on