Is this abnormal behavioral development for my age?, I’m 14 years old, and a female.

[u/livewithnoregerts]

first of all I know this sub is mainly for physical issues, but I just wanna give it a try here.

I’m concerned with my behavioral development if you couldn’t already tell. I would be completely honest, though. There’s somethings I don’t take full responsibility for, and honestly? I don’t really want to change unless it benefits me in a way I like. No I’m not trying to sound ”corny”. People like me exist irl.

if I don’t mention I stopped certain behaviors, then assume that I continued to and still actively participating in those behaviors. I also have a diagnosis of major depressive disorder And I was hospitalized a few months ago in February. I have experienced some traumatizing experiences too.

My behavioral issues I believe started when I was 5-7, although I don’t think they matter much since I was really young. At those ages I started to physically fight with my brother regularly, I smashed snails at recess, and I remember vandalizing a car once. But I didn’t vandalize or when I was 8-9 years old I started to lie more frequently and make fun of others(usually indirectly). When I was 10-11 years old I started to vandalize and sometimes destroying the property of others.

But during my recent years (12 and 14), I think my behaviors got put up a couple of notches due to my mental health deteriorating. i don’t want to get into details about it, but i ended up getting sent to the pysch ward.

the worst of the Things I have done was within the last couple of months, I wrapped a cord around one of my peers’ neck for a second before I let go. I didn’t want to choke him or get into trouble, but it’s still strangulation behavior according to my school teachers. I got into trouble for it. I was scared I’ll get a felony so I ended up lying my ass off about what happened so I could look innocent. I didn’t change a bunch of things but i did lie about my intention to place the cord around his chest. I don’t remember how much guilt I felt about it, but it was probably way less then I should have because I got over it pretty fast when I realized my friend wasn’t going to treat me any differently for it.

I think I lack guilt, like I could vandalize, destroy someone’s property, say extremely cruel things, etc to someone as long as I think they deserve it. But if they’re some random old lady, I’ll feel guilty.

Anyways, I do and don’t want to get help at the same time. If I do get help, I wouldn’t be at risk for adverse outcomes and I’ll lower my chances of ending up doing something that I will horribly regret. yet, I also feel weak for feeling empathy. And I think that could prevent me from getting help. What also stopping me from getting help is the fact I’ll get into trouble with my parents which I don’t want to happen lol.

ever since experiencing traumatic shit at my school. I been feeling this way. and I can’t lie I also can’t feel the gravity of this situation. it’s normal flr me, and if you hear a causal tone in this post and that makes you upset. I just want to let you know that is an outcome of the shit i experienced. and no I’m not trying to make excuses and excuse. that’s dumb. but literally, if I can’t feel it, how could I think, and act in the way I am supposed to? I shouldn’t be held to the same standard as someone who can.

sure, I shouldn’t have done the shit I did. But some of the things I did came from a feeling of anger, injustice, and vindictiveness. The school barely helped me when I needed it, so why should I help the system that doesn’t help me? I’m not trying to trauma dump, I’m trying to reason with y’all.

no I am not evil, or a fucking bitch. evil people dont want change. I do. and just a reminder, you could have ended up just like me. You just didnt experience certain things, and your mind didn’t react in a certain way.

Sorry if this isnt the topic for r/askdocs, but I am in search for an answer.

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[u/livewithnoregerts]

Guys I’m sweet as sugar and honey mixed together I swear