r/AskReddit • u/obsessive-addictive • 3h ago
If animals could talk, what species would be the rudest to humans?
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u/lovemangas2 3h ago
Cats, cause they’re already rude even without speaking imagine what they say when they can talk 😅
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u/PastorBeard 3h ago
If cats could talk, they wouldn’t.
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u/Inevitable-Shake8128 59m ago
they’re already rude even without speaking, these little creatures be ignoring you and walking away as if you're not talking to them
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u/runarleo 2h ago
“Why would you do this Carl? You know how I feel about things that dangle”
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u/Humble-Can5318 2h ago
"Cats are assholes. I get it. But do you know why people like cats, despite their assholeness? It's because they don't fucking talk. If they did, and they were all like you, they'd all be extinct because we'd have killed you all by now."
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u/Brittany5150 2h ago
One of the best lines in the book and it was right at the beginning lol!
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u/Zorynex_2964 3h ago
Bold of you to assume they'd even bother talking to us…..They’d probably just walk into the room, drop one insult and leave
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u/Aurorinha 3h ago
They probably can talk already and just choose not to.
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u/DaisyHotCakes 2h ago
I swear mine know some words in English.
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u/Longjumping_Youth281 57m ago
Mine says
"Wha??" When something intrigues him and then
"Mawm? Mawm? Hewo? Hewo? Mawm?"
(Mom? Mom? Hello? Hello? Mom?)
When he's bored and kind of wandering around.
When I start getting ready for bed there's all kinds of noises when they know the snacks are coming
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u/ViKingCB 53m ago
I have two very chatty cats and I’m fairly certain I know some phrases in Meowlish
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u/Grambo-47 52m ago
Reminds me of a story a family friend once told me about her younger brother. When they were really little, he was slow to start talking, like hadn’t said his first words by kindergarten. So the parents took him to the doctor to try to figure it out. Doc asks the parents to leave the room, asks the kid if there’s something going on. Kid responds in perfect English, “I just have nothing to say to these people”
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u/TimeMachineToaster 3h ago
"FOOD! NOW!"
"I'll get on the counter whenever I damn well please!"
"What the hell are you doing in the bathroom!? Let me in there!"
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u/HiHoHiHoOff2WorkIGo 3h ago
No doubt. Cats are assholes, but I still absolutely love them. The attitude shows how much personality they have and how smart they really are.
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u/IamDDT 3h ago
I remember reading about a tail flick being "fuck off". My girl used to do that all the time after the vet. I'm pretty sure that is she could talk she would have had some choice words. But then again, if she could talk, I could explain the vet and taking her in the car world be a lot easier!
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u/HiHoHiHoOff2WorkIGo 3h ago
I had a cat when I was young and still living at home. I went to a friend's house because I was having a sleepover with my friends, as teenager's do. When I got home the next day my cat would walk up to me like she wanted attention, but then when I'd reach down to pet her she'd turn away and snub me. She was sure letting me know that she was mad that I was gone overnight. When I moved out I took her with me. She was an amazing cat and I still miss her. She's probably been gone for 15 years and I still wish I could have her back.
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u/IamDDT 2h ago
I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I lost my girl a while ago, and I still really miss her. My wife and I say we have Feline Withdrawal Syndrome.
Cats are really smart and opinionated. They want what they want, and value their own self determination. When you do something they don't like, they will let you know. One time when my sister's cat was mad at her, the cat placed gross partially masticated kibble in random places around her apartment, which I considered amazing, as it showed malice aforethought.
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u/cptjeff 2h ago
My cat does that when I tell her we can't play outside right now. And any time I use the word "no" in general.
But you should try talking to your cats. They can't talk back, but they do pick up a lot of language over time and learn to understand a lot.
You can also leave stuff like sesame Street on while you're away to help. There's a lot of overlap between the intelligence of cats and dogs and the intelligence of small children. Generally, a cat will be able to think at the level of a 3-4 year old.
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u/IamDDT 2h ago
I found that singing gets their attention amazingly fast. The first time I sang to my girl, she looked at me with the most astonished look, like "I had no idea you could do that!".
I completely agree with the understanding of words. I also believe that cats want to follow rules - people are just bad at communicating them successfully.
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u/DemandComfortable331 3h ago
yes totally agree my cat always fights with me that bastard is crzy but still cute furry
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u/UndeadManWaltzing 2h ago
They will stare daggers at you despite the fact you've done nothing wrong.
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u/wishiwerebeachin 2h ago
Oh, they speak to you. Their body language is real easy to read if you pay attention. My two black cats say so much to me without saying a word. One calls the other one, and us, idiots ALLLLLLL the time.
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u/5Y3 3h ago
Canada geese.
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u/autocorrects2jelly 2h ago
I have long been convinced that the reason Canadian people are so nice is because they somehow transfer all of their hatred into the geese and send them south to dispose of it.
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u/syzygialchaos 2h ago
So it really is Canada’s fault the US is a hateful place?
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u/TonyStowaway 1h ago
Better change the name of another lake, that'll show em!
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u/YeaIFistedJonica 1h ago
Migratory members of the American Bald Eagle family actually spend anywhere from 50-75% of their time in Canada.
Canada should rename the bird
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u/SnooPandas3956 3h ago
Don’t underestimate these cobra 🐍 birds.
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u/RunningonGin0323 3h ago
I've added miles to my runs if i encounter a group of them blocking a path and they have babies with them. I'm not trying to die
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u/Bassman233 2h ago
If you've got a problem with Canada Gooses then you got a problem with me, and I suggest you let that one marinate.
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u/Unknowable_Demoness 2h ago
They'd be telling us all "get fucked bud or I'll nip yer friggen ankles" 😂
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u/ozzynchainz 3h ago
Oh for sure, geese are the biggest assholes of the bird community right up there with blue birds
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u/CaptainFartHole 2h ago
Agreed. They're huge assholes already, but add in the ability to throw around slurs? They'd be the absolute fucking worst.
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u/Azuras_Star8 53m ago
Twice i have helped 10+ geese cross the road in stopped traffic. I went to the end of the line, started clapping and being very noisy and the beautiful monsters skedaddled with purpose.
Ive found that being big and noisy shuts them up real fast.
I love those beautiful jerks. Canadian goslings are the cutest birds ever. Fucking dinosaurs.
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u/vBLADEv 3h ago
Monkeys for sure.
Its like having a little brother species.
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u/Legionof1 2h ago
I feel like monkeys would be like a 5 year old asking why and saying mine all the time except you can’t tell them no cause they would fuck your shit up.
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u/Gusepiol0w 3h ago
Mosquitoes
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u/TheBugSmith 3h ago
Just gonna roll up and start sucking.
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u/Horknut1 3h ago
What if they latched on and started making moaning noise and talking about how sweet you tasted in a creepy predator voice. OH GOD YOU TASTE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD, SLURP SLURP.
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u/ozzynchainz 3h ago
Yeaaa this is accurate asf, I’ve always thought they’re gay asf because I primarily get bit on my ass. Nothing wrong with bein gay ofc, but damn can you please bite me anywhere else??
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u/unipwny 2h ago
Only females suck blood, actually! So they're super straight ass biters
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u/Abject-Detective-894 3h ago
I think they be like that creep at the bar that can’t take no for an answer.
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u/LouisGhem 3h ago edited 3h ago
Nasty ass honey badger, of course. 'Cause nasty ass honey badger don't care. Nasty ass honey badger don't give a SHIT.
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u/Legionof1 2h ago
Nah, they would just call ya a cunt and mumble to themselves as they went about their business. Unless you fuck with them then it’s a chain of swears that would make a sailor blush.
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u/SuttonVarga 3h ago
Chihuahuas. 100% pure unfiltered rage. Zero volume control, zero chill, just 4 pounds of vibrating hatred screaming expletives at every delivery driver, lead, and breeze that dares to exist near their perimeter
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u/Top_Top2914 3h ago
Crows
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u/Necessary_shots 3h ago
They are smart enough that it could go either way, super polite of mean af
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u/PuzzleheadedAd822 3h ago
Yep, crows (and pretty much all corvids) can actually be extremely gentle and sociable with humans or absolute bastards depending on the human in question. They also teach their children who to like and who to hate.
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u/wookEluv 3h ago
I could totally see them coming up with creative insults. Not even out of malice or disdain, but just to see out reactions.
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u/CoolBeanieHat 3h ago
I’d say it depends on how you’ve treated them.
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u/FinancialRip2008 2h ago
yeh my local crows come and hang out nearby when i'm in my back yard. i feed them from time to time, so there's that, but i've never once fed them in the back yard.
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u/Fromdustcomesdreams 3h ago
I imagine them being pretty sarcastic.
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u/Top_Top2914 2h ago
to me they appear as no nonsense, I don’t give a F kind of animal
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u/z-tayyy 3h ago
If animals could talk they’d probably start a revolution of every animal against humans, justifiably so too.
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u/SomeSamples 3h ago
I'm gonna say, Hippo. They would just tell you to fuck the right off. They give no shits.
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u/Ok_Lavishness2638 2h ago
You are wrong in this one. Hippos won't talk. They'll kill youl.
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u/mackerel_slapper 3h ago
Seagulls. “Don’t you know there’s no such thing as a seagull, you fucking cunt. I’m a herring gull, now piss off.” That’d be on a good day.
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u/Biggrunt 2h ago
Cats are probably going to take the top of the list. Yellow jackets perhaps 2nd. I have a feeling salt water crocs would be really nice and offer a swim to cool off before death rolling us and shoving us under a log.
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u/Alusiah_ 3h ago
Pigs, chickens and cows most likely. Or any animal that we've established planetary wide industrial slaughter for.
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u/StudioKOP 3h ago
Mosquitoes! I can imagine them talking nasty to their preys:
“-Now look at you! vzzzzz! Sleeping like a princess! vzzzzz! Here, I taste you, you taste me! vzzzzz! Oh, a slap?! You barbarian!!! So I will have to bite you on your ankles!!! vzzz!
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u/BenovanStanchiano 3h ago
Birds always look like they have an attitude. They swing their necks around like someone on Ricki Lake in the 90s. I vote birds.
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u/Pitiful_Jump2996 2h ago
Cat walks into room.
"Hi whatchu doing?"
Me: Puts down my phone and tea, stoops to pet her.
Cat: I have to go. Bye.
Me: Picks up phone and tea again.
Cat: Comes back in. Stands just out of reach. "Really if you don't want to spend time why did you even get a pet"
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u/Azuras_Star8 56m ago
Zebras.
They're already the biggest assholes in the zoo, they'd be right shits if they had the lower to talk
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u/ordinarypoh 50m ago
Cats, Canadian Geese and Seagulls are really good answers. I'd also like to add Zebra's.
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u/indojonyo 3h ago
Ants. Specifically fire ants. Idk why but they just seem to be full of angst and pettiness.
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u/MarioManX1983 3h ago
If the same questions keep being asked a billion times over, how long will it be until Reddit actually does something about all these bots and repeat posts?
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u/Harryg42 3h ago
Australian Magpie, easily. In spring they swoop any fucker who comes within a half km because fuck you, that’s why, and they just look like they’re shitty with the state of the world most of the time.
They’re also Aussie, so you know they’d come up with some creative uses of swear words
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u/CorporealLifeForm 3h ago
Besides a few domesticated and very social animals, most wouldn't talk to us at all even if they could beyond telling us to go away. Human brains are so deeply oriented around communication that we see animals as if they would think to say anything or could even conceptualize communication as we do but it's not how they work. Few would have anything to say if they could or are even set up to influence another creatures behavior by communication at least close to the extent we do. That said the answer is probably chimpanzees. They're more similar to us, can communicate in single words already in sign language and are known to be extremely violent and intend to cause pain when they get mad.
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u/ghost_in_heels 3h ago
Birds. Theyd still shit on us, but this time youd hear - take that you 2 legged monster 😂
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u/Breddit2225 3h ago
Turkeys would be calling you out and saying "Come at me bro" Then they would come at you and call you any evil thing they could think of.
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u/VelvetDreamers 3h ago
The seagull is unequivocally the most discourteous, non-domesticated species on planet earth.
They’re belligerent, ambitious to a fault, and alarmingly agile! Satan’s sea chickens. Although, they’re in every landfill in the UK too!
I hate them because they attacked my daughter as she ate an ice cream in Liverpool.