Spiraling Constantly

[u/LizzieCLems]

I put a tldr before this heavy rant.

I got married at 20 and it didn’t end well but we got through (not well, but survived) my issues and divorced after 10 years for different reasons out of my control. Now, I’m in a relationship just over a year but engaged and living together etc., and my BDD is almost certainly going to ruin this one. Mine is related to my hair - and ofc god hates me so I have severe TE alopecia disorder that comes up after severe hormone shifts or stress.

I was growing my hair out and after 5 years felt confident - started dating my ex, and at 19 I took BC (unaware of disorder) and most of my hair fell out. I tried to dreadlock it to save it enough for a festival wedding photo but spent 20-27 just basically hiding in my house borderline staying alive. Then my hair got long enough for me to be comfortable and I did my in-person portion of college, graduated, got a dream job, and life got better. He (TW- abuse) last June strangled me nearly to death and went to jail.

I then met my now fiance happenstance a month later (I was trying to leave for a couple years), and after 1.5 months I guess the stress from the incident (3 months to the day) cropped up and my hair started falling out. I explained that I can’t live through this again, tried to get him to not come over etc (I gave him a key - stupid me) and he basically made me stay around. That was last September - my hair was the only thing I liked about myself at all - I now am in bed crying as I’m typing this with a hoodie over my head and an ugly grown out pixie cut barely making it through the day and hiding and hating life.

My hair was to my tailbone and it hid everything I hated. I have abnormally large breasts and I wasn’t comfortable in public until about 6 years after it fell out when it passed my bra strap. I live in FL and wigs are horrible in this heat and I can’t even fool myself. I don’t feel like I belong in this body. (Also sensory issues I cannot ignore and the cold on neck ears/movement of my hair drives me insane constantly.)

I don’t feel human anymore and my fiancé is a trooper and loves me but I can’t handle it. I’m literally spending almost all day every day trying to “find a way to fix this” and I spent my twenties doing the same thing. He’s 25 and really should leave me but he won’t. I’m terrified of a wedding and everything is horrible. So I regret getting in both relationships but I wasn’t aware the BC could do this for the first one - and I avoided it like the plague but plan b and severe stress did me in. It was the best month and half of my life but since then I’m dead inside.

Sorry for the rant I’ve been barely keeping myself alive this week I hate it. Plus I’m in a red state and I look very “butch” and people are treating me rudely in public. It’s depressing.

Yes I’m in therapy. No it’s not helping. Wigs don’t feel real. I hate the sensation of my short hair moving and can’t stand showers without my hair or anything. I avoid mirrors and cannot find any reason to let the world see me I’m literally disgusted by myself and yeah. Any advice welcomed but I can’t really afford extensions and I have curly hair that’s barely 4 inches long on top and it seems hard to match. Advice definitely welcomed but even scarves hats and veils don’t really help me at all. I hate people staring at me. When I wear a wig in public people treat me significantly better and women aren’t nervous around me. :(

TLDR - Hair fell out at 19, hid in house and hated self married at 20 and finally did in person college and started living normally at 26/27 (hair long enough to cover my face and breasts). Ex abused me badly and 3 months later (1.5 month after getting with fiance) the stress made my TE alopecia strike again and it fell out again. I’m not okay. That was last September. Nothing helps. I love advice but I’ve tried everything and I’m so close to losing my mind. Idk what to do. I’m scared and exhausted and just wish I never had to wake up to my nightmare being true ever again.