i honestly don’t really know how to word this without sounding insane but i need some advice because i feel like i’m going through some sort of sexuality crisis lol.

i’ve only ever had serious relationships with men, and every relationship i’ve had has been pretty vanilla when it comes to intimacy. the problem is… i don’t really enjoy it. i’ve always been attracted to women too, but i’ve never actually gotten to experience a real wlw relationship.

i did try dating my best friend once, which obviously did not work out, but we’re still best friends and i love her very much. ever since then i feel like the thought of being with a woman has just stayed in the back of my head and gotten louder and louder.
i constantly fantasize about being in a wlw relationship. like way more than i ever fantasize about being with a man. and it’s not even just about sex. i want the relationship. i want the emotional closeness, the obsession, the devotion, all of it. i want to be completely in love with a woman and have her completely in love with me.

and then there’s the bdsm side of it, which is where i get even more confused. the idea of submitting to a woman is insanely appealing to me. like, i want to be able to completely give up control to someone i trust and actually enjoy that feeling. i want a woman who can be dominant with me and still be incredibly loving and protective outside of that dynamic. i want to be her good girl, i want to make her happy, i want to feel devoted to her, and i want that whole power dynamic to be something that exists because we both genuinely want it.

what’s weird to me is that i have basically zero desire to submit to men. actually, it’s the opposite. with men i’m very independent and i have a pretty strong personality. i don’t tolerate disrespect from a boyfriend and i don’t want him having that kind of control over me.

but put a woman i’m attracted to in that position and suddenly my brain is like yes ma’am 😭
i don’t know if that means something about my sexuality or if it’s just that i associate women with the kind of intimacy i actually want. maybe i’m craving women specifically and bdsm just happens to be part of the fantasy. maybe i genuinely have a submissive side that only comes out when i’m attracted to someone in a certain way. i genuinely have no idea.

and honestly, one of the things that scares me is that i might never actually experience it.
sometimes i think about how badly i want to be in love with a woman and have this kind of relationship and then i’m like… okay but HOW do people actually find each other?? 😭 where are all the queer women who are into this? because i feel like i’m looking for a very specific combination of things and it’s making me feel like i’m never going to find anyone.

i also obviously understand that fantasy and reality are different. i don’t want an abusive relationship or someone who genuinely hurts me or controls my life. i want something consensual where there’s trust, communication, boundaries, and actual love underneath the power dynamic.

so i guess i’m asking other people who have been through something similar:

did you ever realize that your desire for bdsm was completely different with women than it was with men?

did exploring your sexuality change the kind of dynamic you wanted?

and how the hell do you actually meet other queer women who are into this stuff? because at this point i feel like i’m screaming into the void 😭

i honestly don’t really know how to word this without sounding insane but i need some advice because i feel like i’m going through some sort of sexuality crisis lol.

i’ve only ever had serious relationships with men, and every relationship i’ve had has been pretty vanilla when it comes to intimacy. the problem is… i don’t really enjoy it. i’ve always been attracted to women too, but i’ve never actually gotten to experience a real wlw relationship.

i did try dating my best friend once, which obviously did not work out, but we’re still best friends and i love her very much. ever since then i feel like the thought of being with a woman has just stayed in the back of my head and gotten louder and louder.
i constantly fantasize about being in a wlw relationship. like way more than i ever fantasize about being with a man. and it’s not even just about sex. i want the relationship. i want the emotional closeness, the obsession, the devotion, all of it. i want to be completely in love with a woman and have her completely in love with me.

and then there’s the bdsm side of it, which is where i get even more confused. the idea of submitting to a woman is insanely appealing to me. like, i want to be able to completely give up control to someone i trust and actually enjoy that feeling. i want a woman who can be dominant with me and still be incredibly loving and protective outside of that dynamic. i want to be her good girl, i want to make her happy, i want to feel devoted to her, and i want that whole power dynamic to be something that exists because we both genuinely want it.

what’s weird to me is that i have basically zero desire to submit to men. actually, it’s the opposite. with men i’m very independent and i have a pretty strong personality. i don’t tolerate disrespect from a boyfriend and i don’t want him having that kind of control over me.

but put a woman i’m attracted to in that position and suddenly my brain is like yes ma’am 😭
i don’t know if that means something about my sexuality or if it’s just that i associate women with the kind of intimacy i actually want. maybe i’m craving women specifically and bdsm just happens to be part of the fantasy. maybe i genuinely have a submissive side that only comes out when i’m attracted to someone in a certain way. i genuinely have no idea.

and honestly, one of the things that scares me is that i might never actually experience it.
sometimes i think about how badly i want to be in love with a woman and have this kind of relationship and then i’m like… okay but HOW do people actually find each other?? 😭 where are all the queer women who are into this? because i feel like i’m looking for a very specific combination of things and it’s making me feel like i’m never going to find anyone.

i also obviously understand that fantasy and reality are different. i don’t want an abusive relationship or someone who genuinely hurts me or controls my life. i want something consensual where there’s trust, communication, boundaries, and actual love underneath the power dynamic.

so i guess i’m asking other people who have been through something similar:

did you ever realize that your desire for bdsm was completely different with women than it was with men?

did exploring your sexuality change the kind of dynamic you wanted?

and how the hell do you actually meet other queer women who are into this stuff? because at this point i feel like i’m screaming into the void 😭

im new to this stuff, so bear with me. my partner (F20) and I (M22) have been together for over a year now, and have talked about exploring things outside of vanilla sex. for context, she is a straight woman and im a bisexual man. she brought up something she thinks shes into a few months back. apparently its DDLG, but without using "daddy" and stuff like that. shes also told me that she likes the praising part of the dynamic, and I've been trying to implement it often by using "good girl" and "youre doing a good job" while at it.

but recently in a deep convo she brought up that there's some things that she thinks she needs from a partner that she isnt sure if I can do. that notion is fine, and im willing to see what it is I can do, within reason ofc. but she was kinda hinting towards it being a relationship thing too. I tend to ask for her opinion when we are out, and I will sometimes rely on her to make decisions or give our outing "direction" so to speak. she wants me "to lead in a way that she can relax" and "be generally dominant and make decisions".

so with this groundwork, i have to be the same way in our relationship as in the bedroom. idk if the bisexual part of me is whats holding me back from being more dominant, or if its just the way I am but I DO want to be more dominant. how do I go about that? has anyone else experienced this? idk if this is even right for this subreddit but if you have answers please let me know. thanks.

I didn't really know where the best place to look for advice was. I've found myself rejecting my husband a lot because he will initiate sex out of the blue and it cringes me out. I'm talking like 5 minutes of spooning/humping me and then he wants PIV immediately. We've been married for 5 years, dated for 10 years (LDR, met online as horny teens lol) before that and haven't been consistently sexually intimate for most of our in-person time. BUT after a divorce scare we're in therapy again, rebuilding our emotional connection and are trying to reconnect sexually. Yay.

We had a deep conversation today about each others needs and took a quiz as an icebreaker to discuss kinks. We already know what each other like tbh, our biggest issue really is initiation. I want him to seduce me throughout the day, y'know "butter me up". But when he asked me what he can do to reach that my head literally went blank with ideas. I feel like my turn-ons are psychological and I have no idea how to describe them to him.

For context I'm quite sexually submissive and kinky and while he doesn't dislike those things about me, (he is open to everything really) he has had issues with being confident and vulnerable playing the dom in the past. He struggles to hold my hand in public sometimes. We're both each other's firsts so we have no experience outside of our relationship so it's really understandable. Any advice on how I can ease him in and/or articulate my desires? tyvm

are there any genital safe alternatives to hot pepper? Or lubes that arent just warming, something very hot. apparently hot pepper isnt safe no matter how you spin it but im not sure how to replicate the feeling, thanks!

I’m very new to BDSM and still figuring out how I respond to different dynamics, and I had an experience tonight that I’m trying to find language for.

I was talking with someone and we had gradually gotten into a playful D/s-ish dynamic. There was a lot of teasing/bratting, him giving me small directions, accountability, praise, and generally being calm but firm with me. At some point I noticed my brain getting really “fuzzy.” I felt softer, more emotional, whiny/pouty, and much less interested in complex thinking or arguing. Things like firm direction, being taken care of, praise, and “good girl” seemed to push me further into it.

The weird part is that it didn’t feel particularly sexual to me. When things became sexual, my brain basically went “nooooo 🥺” and what I genuinely wanted was my blanket, my dog, and to sit down and color with glitter markers. I also became much more emotionally sensitive than I normally am.

I’ve described myself as a little before because I like the idea of a nurturing/caregiver dynamic and having space to be softer and sillier, but I’m not interested in pretending to be a child or having someone treat me like one. I honestly don’t even know whether “little” is the right word for what I experience.

I’ve also read about subspace, but I don’t know enough yet to tell whether that fits either.

So I’m curious, particularly from people who have experienced these headspaces themselves: does this sound familiar to you? Is there a name you would use for a state where your brain gets fuzzy/quiet, you become very soft and emotionally sensitive, following direction feels easier, and you strongly want comfort/caretaking rather than sex?
I’m not looking for anyone to diagnose me or tell me what I “really” experienced. I’m mostly trying to learn the vocabulary so I can understand my own reactions better and communicate them more clearly in the future.

I love being spanked. Impact play of all kinds actually. And I have a partner that can spank me incredibly well. He’s good at what he does and makes me feel incredible. He’s also lives in another time zone

I have a more local partner who also likes to spank me but he doesn’t make me feel nearly as good. I try not to compare but honestly, I’m just bored whenever he does it so my mind wanders to better spanking sessions. He can usually tell and we stop and he asks me what he can do to make the experience better and I can’t figure it out. We’ve tried different paddles and canes and scenarios and it’s just kinda blah.

Am I missing something? Am I just not meant to be spanked by this person?

I have gotten my girlfriend into bdsm for a little over a year now. The thing is I am super into being slave. She tries to dom me however I am always wanting her to be significantly more cruel and degrading towards me. She also wants to learn how to do this.

Hi, firstly I’m kinda inexperienced in BDSM matters and IRL I’m kinda shy/introverted and probably a bit submissive if anything. I’ve dabbled a bit with being a Slave/Sissy not much more than chatting but it leaves me unfulfilled. Would I make a good Dom with knowing bits of how a Submissive works? Should I look for an experienced Dom to take me under their wing for advice/pointers. Or look for an experienced Sub who could give me feedback after each session? Would it be a good idea to find an inexperienced sub and learn together or maybe a switch and swap after each session. Open to any ideas.

TLDR: inexperienced sub thinking about becoming a dom. Advice?

OK, so I am a masochist submissive. point blank period I love every second of it but I’m also unfortunately very fair skinned and bruise like a peach. After heavier sessions you can totally see like active bruises but I’m also a private person and do my best to cover them their not on active display. I don’t tend to talk about my bedroom life because it’s nobody’s business and I don’t want to but I have this older lady I work with who has told me that she’s like a victim of domestic violence, her ex-husband used to beat her and she keeps saying things like I see you and you’re not alone and it takes a lot of strength, but you’ll be OK and I appreciate the effort if I wasn’t exactly where I wanted to be I’m sure it’d be incredibly comforting but the problem is it’s all consensual every single last second and I think she’s starting to tell other people and I really don’t know what to do because I really really don’t feel like opening up on such a personal level to my entire team but I also don’t need them looking at my fiancé like a monster I don’t think he’s caught on yet. I just genuinely don’t know what to do. Does anybody have like advice please please help I feel like I just need to quit my job and move to a different city at this point I don’t know what to do..

Recently in our little toy haul, we purchased a metal ball crusher for me to use on him.

I was just hoping to ask for a bit of advice for a first time user of one, how much pressure to apply and basically everything that goes with it!

hello! so i(f26) took the plunge and made a fetlife acc this week. after being on it for a few days, i figured i should post something and was looking at other women’s accounts to try and get an idea of what’s normal on fet. a lot of people posted stuff that was way too explicit for what i was personally comfortable with. i am trying to get more comfortable with my body and my sexuality, but posting nudes online is just not my personal jam lol.

i settled for writing, so i wrote a journal entry. it was honestly mainly me talking about being lonely (🤢so embarrassing lol) but i had like two lines in it that were a little sexual related (saw a hot guy and thought about him throwing me around, etc💀) i figured it was still in line with fetlife vibes but wasn’t so crazy that i felt uncomfortable. later i get a message from a woman who had previously messaged me with some tips the first day i made my account.

she basically said that posting “erotica” was weird and that i was just trying to attract creeps. and to boot she blocked me. i felt so horrible like so embarrassed and that i was just so gross and disgusting. literally cried for like an hour which was probably an unwarranted reaction but im kind of ridiculously sensitive deep down. i deleted the post but still felt like shit.

i guess i just don’t understand what the expectations for using the site are? i thought it would be a nice way to be able to be a bit more open abt sexual stuff since i dont talk abt anything like that irl, and that maybe i could post some writings and memes. maybe even make friends with other women who relate. but i don’t want to be weird or gross or have people think i’m just trying to get creeps to pay attention to me.

should i just delete my account and be over with it? i’d rather keep my sexual side completely to myself than feel like that again. but maybe i’m just being dramatic. idk sorry this is so long! really cool of you to read all this word vomit if you did lol

My BF locked himself and gave me the key yesterday. We both young and don't live together, he has an emergency key he can access if he really needs to for safety reasons, but he's moving away for college in a few weeks and we thought this would keep our relationship spicy over the distance and time we're apart. He has limited experience with chastity, I have none. I have experience as a sub, but not much topping so I'm learning as I go.

Now that he's locked, what do I do with him?

Is this some kind of sick irony?

I opened up about my CNC kink to my bf a few months ago. Then I told him about my childhood abuse, which pretty obviously turned into a kink as an adult. Specifically, I like to be woken up with sex.

During a completely irrelevant conversation, he told me I am “so fucked up that normal sexuality triggers me” except when I ask him to “fuck me like my abuser.” I didn’t ask, I just told him because he asked what my darkest desires were. He’s the first person I have ever told and I have only started accepting that in the last year. So this felt like a sucker punch.

We were apart for a few months. In that time, when I truly thought we were done, I had a mental breakdown. That one sentence totally fucked me up, triggered flashbacks, made me feel ashamed and disgusting, and I reacted poorly.

At my lowest, I reached out to a former partner. I was afraid of hurting myself and he insisted on coming over under the guise of wanting to help and keep me safe. I was desperate and afraid to be alone so I eventually agreed. I told him no sex, but he pressured me anyway and after saying no and pushing him off multiple times, he kept forcing himself on me until I relented. I froze. It felt like I dissociated when it happened. I got tested a month later, I’m going to get extra testing to be sure. I quit drinking, got into therapy, on psych meds, and now I’m dealing with the aftermath the best I can.

Of course, my bf came back right after this happened. He apologized profusely, has been wonderful and vulnerable and he’s trying to show he’s sorry and realizes how he hurt me.

I do forgive and love him, so I started seeing him again. We haven’t been physical (long distance) but I am happy to be with him. I also acted pretty insane during that time.

Things are going well except that I was raped and I don’t feel comfortable telling him yet, if ever. He asked I had been with anyone and I said no because it wasnt consensual. I don’t feel safe telling him because of what he said before. As much as I love him, I do fear he will interrogate me, blame me, feel jealous, or see me differently. I’m honestly afraid he will think I somehow betrayed him because I lied.

On the other hand, if he truly is sorry and finds out, he will feel sad, angry, helpless, and possibly guilty which I don’t want.

So yeah…I have this kink and I ended up getting raped, but I did not want that. This is the only place I know others will understand the difference. My therapist has assured me it’s common and doesn’t mean I asked for it, but what a weird place to be. She also advised I don’t tell my bf, possibly ever, or at least until he’s proven I am safe to be open with him again.

I know it’s never a victims fault, but I feel guilty. Wtf is that? Any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

My partner(30/M) is wonderful and has always made it clear that my(29/F) pleasure is important to him. We have a healthy marriage and otherwise I am very happy. But the vanilla sex bums me out; I feel bad for feeling this way but I do. I want to be dommed so, so badly. I’ve explained that I enjoy power play and wish to feel submissive and have provided specific examples too such as restraints, sensory dep, man handling etc. If I ask for something specific, he’ll do it but I’m just tired of asking. I don’t need every time to be kinky and I obviously want him to enjoy himself too. I do dom him as well and he really enjoys it. He says he enjoys switching roles but it seems like being submissive is his default. Is there a way I can encourage his dom side? Is there a book that’d be good for us to both read? Any other suggestions or advice would be great!

Married. My wife has BDSM experience. I don’t, or very little.

After intense scenes she says she feels shattered and that I have to bring her back. Last time I stayed in bed with her in my arms for about 10 minutes. She made it clear that was not enough. This was actually a difficult moment for me.

Typical scene: restraint, ass slapping, then intense sex.

She does not want to explain what she needs, including during aftercare. I don’t want to interrogate her while she’s coming down, and I don’t want to keep guessing. What is a solid default landing I can run after this kind of scene without her having to instruct me? Warmth, water, how long to stay, what to say, what to do with the restraints and the sore ass, when I can leave the bed.

And separately: how do people get this information from an experienced partner who doesn’t want to give a lecture? Next-day conversation, a short list, something else? She wants me to just KNOW

23 f my dom is a sir type dom and I'm more of a princess/puppy I don't really see a problem cause he makes me happy but I want to make him happy too any advice would help a lot and I have asked but it's the usual everything is good

My husband and I have been together for five years now, and typically, we run like a tell oiled machine. Day to day life is pretty perfect, and we have a fairly active sex life. The problem lies within our dynamic.
I’ve always been the sub in our relationship, which is perfect, but I find that it leads to me not really communicating well about my boundaries. I know it’s something I need to work on, but if it makes him happy, I’m very likely just going to go along with it no matter what.
For example, I’m FTM and very early in my transition, and a while ago I brought up the idea of misgendering once I was further along in my transition. He decided to suddenly spring that on me without talking about it first (it’s been months since I last brought it up), and then just kind of up and left. I could tell that he really enjoyed it, but then I was left with no aftercare and no time to tell him that it actually hurt really bad.
We do have a safeword system, but I tend to feel extremely guilty even yellow-lighting, and only really use the red-light if I’m in pain that I know won’t stop with a position change. Every time I do, I cry and we have to end the scene. I feel guilty making him stop, so I tend to just push through whatever it is until the end.
Typically, for rougher play, I get aftercare, but if it’s just sex for sex’s sake, I rarely do. I’ve tried subtly hinting that I need something more, but even I don’t know what that “more” is.
In total, it’s gotten to the point where sex is something I do for him and not for me, and I don’t know how to really communicate that. I don’t want him to be upset with himself, I don’t want him to stress about it, and I don’t want him to second guess every time we have had/will have sex. I’m just really tired of feeling guilty for not liking something or turning him down or not being comfortable doing certain things.
I would like to add that he’s never been aggressive or mean about any of this, he just gets kinda bummed out when I turn down his advances or say I don’t want to do something and it results in me caving every time. I’m never forced, and he never intentionally makes me feel guilty to my knowledge. I just need to know how to grow a pair and talk to him about this stuff.

My wife and I have talked for a bit about exploring light bdsm and sensory play at the local lifestyle club. We both agree it would be very hot to tie her down and blindfold her while I (and possibly others) touch her and use sensory toys on her.

My problem is I have no experience navigating this. I'd be the one making all the decisions for the scene and deciding what happens when, and honestly it feels very complicated. Managing consent / the scene while also managing my wife's emotional state is a juggling act that I don't have the tools to navigate.

sooo i dunno how to write this exactly.
i know sometimes slurs are used in play but i've always been a little unsure about doing it myself. buuut recently i found out that there is a slur i REALLY like to be called. the issue is that my partner does not have the authority to use that word (I do, i'd like to reclaim it and make it a positive thing somehow!) can i... give him a pass? is that how it works in these scenarios?

I don't want to bring up my interest in that word until im 100% sure I know what im doing so i guess any advice from you guys would help!!! Have you been in a situation where youre able to use a word but your partner isnt? how did you navigate that?

thanks in advance!

i’m just here to ask a very general question. My bf (20m) and I (20f) are both very interested in using ice during sex. I’m just wondering if anyone has any tips on where specifically would feel good for either of us (nipples are a given lol) and what kinds of fantasies and techniques people have used before that could be fun to explore. and of course if there’s anything we SHOULDNT do in case of injury i’d love to know. I’ve really struggled with finding advice on this so anything is welcome :)) we’re both really excited to try this out since it seems to be a combination of stuff we already like but i want to make sure we’re doing it as safe and fun as possible

My boyfriend and I are planning on doing an extreme cnc scene coming up and he mentioned I will need to do aftercare on him as well. He brought up how he has never gotten good aftercare after these type of play. Because he has never gotten good aftercare he isn’t sure what that means. I have never done cnc and very excited to do this with him however, I want to make sure I provide great aftercare on him but have no clue what that requires… any tips would be very helpful!

Hey! My girlfriend and I have been having sex for a couple of months and have developed a really lovely D/S dynamic. I’m a butch lesbian and she’s femme and I’m usually the Dom. She’s historically only been dominant in sex so being submissive is quite new and vulnerable for her - she’s told me she’s never really felt safe enough to fully let go and sub before me.

I’m naturally a very caring, sensitive and romantic person so I really want to approach this in a way where she feels safe, looked after and able to surrender control, rather than trying to be a harsh/intimidating Dom. I don’t ever want to push her into something that scares or genuinely makes her uncomfortable.

We’re also really enjoying a light puppy-play dynamic. She’s my little puppy and I’m her big dog and she loves being “trained”, doing tricks, being praised as a good puppy and playfully punished when she’s naughty. She particularly enjoys being spanked, nipple play and being spat on and I love when she pants like a puppy, keeps her mouth open for me, etc. The first time we really explored this she went into subspace, which was completely new for her and a really special experience for both of us.

She’s really gotten into being a sub and loves being my play-thing and being owned by me. She really enjoys being told what to do so I want to get better at being more commanding - I just struggle to get creative and think of what I want her to do on the spot.

I’m looking for ideas to become more confident and creative at leading, especially with:

• Fun sexual rewards for a good puppy
•Creative punishments/consequences beyond spanking
•Puppy “training” ideas, tricks and commands
• Ways to build anticipation and submissive headspace
•How to be a confident but caring/romantic Dom
•How to help a new sub feel safe enough to really let go

Everything would stay within the sexual scene - no punishments affecting real life and she doesn’t enjoy choking or significant pain. She also can’t orgasm bc of OCD so edging/orgasm denial aren’t relevant. She has a medical issue that means we can’t do penetration either.

I’m not looking to recreate subspace by force or push her boundaries - I mostly want to learn how to take care of her while giving her the experience of being completely looked after and controlled for a while.

Would love advice from experienced Doms/subs, especially anyone with a similar soft/caring Dom style or light puppy-play dynamic!

Hey me and my mistress (long distance/online) were looking to buy some toys/gear for me, keep in mind i have to apply it to myself basically. The focus here shouldnt be pleasure but rather some kind of torture, so pain, overstimulation (post orgasm but in a way i dont have to constantly and actively „apply“ it myself so i cant easily chicken out) and so on. What toys can you recommend, please also share your opinions and maybe good examples for the ones i gathered from my own research:
E-Stim (preferably for shocks maybe overstim)
E wand (for shocks)
Ballstretcher/Weight
Ballcrusher
Candles
Whip
Maybe a Cage

Also health always comes first so nothing to consequential or risky please.
Thx in advance

I tried to use the search of this sub, but couldn't find many posts talking about discovering kink as a single parent and starting to feel hopeless. Maybe this is supposed to just stick to being a fantasy only through some online text play here and there? But god I don't want to accept that. I have looked at personal ads, and it seems like a lot of doms are looking for someone 247, childfree and willing to relocate asap. That is not possible for me.

I am a mother for a teenage daughter. I don't have any real experience with kinky life. I live in a small town with no active kink community or munches going on.

I am looking for other single parents and doms who have experience with single parent partners, to share their experience with kink.

How do/did you navigate it?

How do/did you find a long time partner?

How to keep your child safe when looking for and having a kinky partner, and avoid people who might be with bad intentions because of the fact?

And most of all, is it even possible?

Sorry if this post is a mess.