I’ve been thinking about finally getting involved with my local BDSM/kink community, and I’m realizing that I’m more nervous about the social side of it than I expected.
I’m in my early 30s and I do have some experience with BDSM and D/s dynamics, but almost all of it developed naturally within relationships rather than through an organized scene.
I spent most of my twenties in a long-term relationship where we experimented with different kinds of power exchange and kink without really using many labels for it. We simply talked about what interested us, what we wanted to try, and gradually figured out what worked for us.
So I’m not really trying to figure out whether BDSM itself interests me. I already have a reasonably good idea of what I enjoy, what kinds of dynamics appeal to me and have worked for me in the past, where my boundaries are, and what I’m still curious about.
What I have essentially no experience with is the social community around it.
I’ve never regularly attended munches, Stammtische, workshops or similar events. There’s a local BDSM Stammtisch near me that I’ve been considering attending. For anyone unfamiliar with the term, “Stammtisch” is a German word for a recurring informal social meetup, usually held in a pub, café or restaurant. I think the closest equivalent in BDSM communities could probably be a munch(?). After reading the information available from the organizers, the next logical step would simply be contacting them and going.
I think part of what makes me hesitate is this slightly ridiculous picture in my head that I’m going to walk into a room full of people who have been part of the scene since they were 20, know everyone, know every term and have ten years of experience, while I’m standing there thinking:
“Okay, I know what has worked for me in past relationships, but I have absolutely no idea how the social side of this works.”
Rationally, I know that’s probably not what it’s actually like, but there’s still this vague feeling that I somehow arrived late or am not kinky enough to be there. Basically, I’m worried about gatekeeping.
I’m also not particularly looking at a Stammtisch as a place where I expect to find a Dom, sub, play partner or date.
What I’d actually like is much more ordinary: meet people, talk, maybe make friends, and have kink be one shared interest among many. I’d be perfectly happy talking about BDSM, learning from people and exchanging experiences, but I’d also hope conversations can just as easily be about work, hobbies, games, books, travel or whatever else people happen to have in common.
One reason I’m slightly cautious is that my only real-life exposure to someone who was openly involved in kink wasn’t particularly positive. She had a habit of treating people she considered “vanilla” or “not kinky enough” as if they were somehow sexually less sophisticated and was often very derogatory about people who didn’t meet her standards of what counted as “kinky enough”.
I know perfectly well that one person doesn’t represent an entire community, but it did leave me with a bit of an irrational fear of gatekeeping or of walking into a social environment where people expect you to prove that you belong or somehow pass a “kink test”.
So I’d mainly be interested in hearing from people who actually attend these kinds of gatherings:
What was the social side of your first munch or Stammtisch actually like? How much prior scene experience did people expect from you, if any? What are some signs that you’ve found a healthy, welcoming community, and what would make you personally decide not to return?
Does being in my early 30s and only now entering the social side of the scene actually matter at all?