r/BPDlovedones • u/SkinnyStav • 20h ago

Get an STD test, please.

Everyone including us should get an STD test after ending a relationship. We might have had lots of unprotected sex, possibly including anal.

Our exes might have engaged in these same behaviours before our relationship, during our multiple breakups, or even outright cheated.

High risk sexual behavior includes high nunber of sex partners, sex during an STD outbreak, and even prostitution.

Not all of our exes engaged in all or any of these behaviours. This post isn't here to cast judgement on any population. The language is direct to address the worst case scenarios. However, this is my personal experience with my ex, who engaged in most of these behaviors, and it might also be your experience, even if you are not aware of it.

Please get tested to see if you need treatment or can breathe a sigh of relief. Please protected your next sexual partner from possible STDs. Good luck!

54 Upvotes

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23

u/MsPlum_ 20h ago

This really messes me up because despite the habitual and repetitive lying, he claimed to be the most loyal man and that he’d “never, ever” cheat. 90% of me was convinced of that. Now that I’m gone and considering the way he responded to me telling him I was done (he called me a lying, cheating, evil woman that he knows was sleeping with other men our entire relationship… none of which is true), and thinking about everything since I left… I’m now certain he cheated. I feel so stupid, used. I really loved him despite his flaws. We never used protection because we were in a committed, monogamous relationship (so I thought).

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u/RelaxedBluey94 20h ago

Keep it simple. Get tested. It's quick. Think further about it with results in hand. It's a possibility only.

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u/MsPlum_ 19h ago

You know what’s sick? I almost hope he gave me something (curable lol) because he REFUSES to admit he cheated and called ME the cheater. He did the craziest shit while we were together. Like I’d be on a work trip, Facetime him, and he’d ask me why the pillows were positioned on my bed the way they were, insinuating I’d had a man in my room. Another time he told me he swears he heard a man in my room while we were on the phone. Constant insinuations that later turned into accusations. I found out I was pregnant with his child, he asked me if it was his. I was so insulted, I have been nothing but loyal to this man. I didn’t even LOOK at other men! I didn’t want anyone but HIM! How could he think this crazy shit? How could he not see my character? He’d circle all the way around and say he was just messed up and insecure and had “trauma,” he didn’t really think I cheated. Then do it all over again, start the accusations again. It really fucked me up bad and then to be told when I left him for good that he has “evidence” (what, where lol) and that I definitely cheated? I feel like confirmation that he DID in fact cheat as I’d suspected (this shit has to be projection, right?) would allow me to finally rest. I feel absolutely crazy and just want the TRUTH. The truth is the final piece I need and I wish I could just let it go not knowing, but I can’t.

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u/RelaxedBluey94 19h ago edited 19h ago

Constant accusations are sometimes projection, sometimes devices to drive you crazy, as gaslighting in all its forms gradually does. Whatever. Get yourself tested. Protect yourself from this man in every way possible.

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u/anthrocenekid 18h ago

He doesn’t think it was cheating. That’s the secret. They would “never cheat,” because fulfilling THEIR every sexual whim, desire, and compulsion isn’t cheating in their minds. They expect everyone else to tolerate their behavior because it’s theirs.

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u/DilemmeFatale 17h ago

I'm genuinely baffled how much of mental gymnastics they can do to justify any vile action. until last year, I never even considered for a second such people could even exist. they should've at least some sort of remorse, right...? so I thought lol

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u/MsPlum_ 17h ago

They can’t deal with shame, that’s why they act the way they do. Eventually it turns to contempt and placing their OWN shame on YOU. What’s crazy is, he came back so many times after I’d had enough: crying REAL tears, writing me incredible letters, leaving trails or roses or bringing me a bouquet. Real remorse, right? Eventually that turned into him saying things like “you’re overthinking, you have a bad memory, what I did wasn’t that bad, everyone agrees with me, let me give you some tips on how to let resentment go, when are you going to get over this.” Blah blah blah.

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u/No_Use1529 18h ago

Thanfully I was using condoms pretty quickly into the marriage because I realized I wouldn’t bring a kid into that hell. But felt I married her, so I had to try and work things out. She didn’t disclose her mental health issues originally.

She and her mom made cheating out to be the worst thing in the world. So of all the hell she put me through I didn’t think cheating would be part of that equation.

She actually started to smell really bad down there and getting a bunch of UTI’s per her about the time I lost any the desire for sex because the stress she was putting me under was incredible.

I realize there’s medical reasons too. But that’s right about the time the condoms started going missing from my night stand.

My guess something happened because those condoms went missing on certain days like clock work after that. How I caught her cheating. Glad she did it because it was the final straw.

Looking back if she was cheating all along, things that didn’t make sense, make sense. So I know I got lucky and dodged a bullet.

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u/MsPlum_ 18h ago

Sorry you went through that. It’s absolute hell. I’d still get tested if I were you. HSV can transmit even WITH condoms.

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u/No_Use1529 18h ago

Thanks. Clean bill of health thankfully. I know that’s one bullet I dodged with her.

I had all her medical records at one point. At the time it didn’t dawn on me to check if she received treatment for an std. Wanting to prove she faked cancer for over a year, the pain pill addition and the munchoswen were my priorities. Then my worthless attorney didn’t do chit with that information.
Edit.

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u/MsPlum_ 17h ago

Holy smokes! I hope you’re recovering okay. I will never EVER even consider a Cluster B person again. It was too late for me by the time I realized he was, I know the signs now.

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u/No_Use1529 17h ago

Oh yeah I would never ever date anyone with it again!!!!! I tired to block what happened to me for years. Besides the hell is so crazy who’s going to believe me?

I remember a few years back sharing my story on the surviving infidelity sub. I had a few people accuse me of making it all up. (I wish). Either way it was the start to the healing I needed to and should have done years ago.

Then I found this sub. Oh chit unfortunately I’m not alone. It’s made me realize I’m more f’d up than I thought. I hate what she turned me into.
It’s made me realize I have a lot more work to do to myself and what I am working towards.

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u/MsPlum_ 17h ago

Me too! I stayed, overlooked things, rationalized his behavior, caretook him. I thought I was nuts. I’m not, I was being abused, gaslit, and manipulated. Forced to constantly question reality. He’d tell me I had such a bad memory. I’m starting EMDR soon. I feel like I need shock therapy 🤣 I want the person that I was before him back!!! I was radiant, free, happy. Like you though, it made me realize my own behavior patterns that I need to correct (like why I didn’t leave the first time he treated me like garbage). This stuff is just… unreal. So glad for this sub, too, it’s been so validating. Almost every post is SO RELATABLE it’s insane! Wishing you all the best on your healing journey.

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u/Cute-Boobie777 11h ago

Keep in mind many std tests wont even test for herpes because its so common. 

Sometimes you will need to order an online test just to get a test for it. 

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u/zefpirate Lighthouse for Lost Causes 16h ago

Yep. The projection is beyond belief. It’s so discombobulating until you realize what it is. Mine began asking me if I would ever cheat on him towards the end and I began to wonder if that was where he was headed next. So sad and grief stricken, but glad I got out before it got worse.

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u/Electrical-Call-7292 19h ago

You guys are getting Anals?

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u/MsPlum_ 18h ago

Dude I had the best sex of my LIFE with my BPD ex. I fear I’ll never have that again. He made sure I came every single time. Gawd. I’d take celibacy over dealing with his crazy, abusive ass ever again though.

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u/Cute-Boobie777 11h ago edited 11h ago

Plenty of people report medicore or bad sex lives with bpd. (Or at the time they thought it was great but after experiencing someone better they realized it was mediocre)

There are absolutely people who arent pd that are very open sexually with high sex drives. I guess if the 'big emotions' aspect of bpd made it better in particular maybe you wouldn't be able to find that again?

I guess during the extreme idealization phase that alone can probably give an emotional boost you normally wouldnt have but this is also super not normal tbf. So maybe you're right in some cases 

But purely in terms of sex drive, natural chemistry and high sexual openness and low sexual anxiety non BPD can absolutely have these qualities with the bonus of usually have a higher capacity to respect you sexually and not walk all over you. Do many stories of BPD crossing sexual red lines.

I'm not sure how common these are. My ex says only 1/5 of her bfs had all 4 of these qualities but it could be she just had bad luck. Its hard for me to imagine only 20% of population has these. Plus some of these can be worked on/improved like anxiety and openness. 

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u/SkinnyStav 1h ago

Asexuals sometimes have lots of sex in the beginning and after a few months their sex drive plummets. Asexuality is a spectrum. If you are not asexual or at least have a low sex drive, dating them can make you both unhappy. 

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u/MorningZestyclose703 18h ago

This comment has me so weak lmfao

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u/Cute-Boobie777 11h ago

I suspect theres a lot of infections due to unprotected anal. People sometimes dont know that its actually dangerous to some extent lol. Or they are so horny they don't care until one of their balls explodes to 5x the size

The high impulsively of bpd + the fact it seems a lot of their partners have adhd (could not be true scientifically idk) is kind of a perfect combo for risky sex. 

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u/SkinnyStav 1h ago

Correct, anal sex is more risky due to tears or unnoticed micro-tears occuring more easily then with vaginal sex.

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u/shanesnes 18h ago

They have a higher chance to cheat and sleep with anyone that give them little attention. The reason untreated bpd so troublesome.

Always test for std when first in the relationship, every couple of months test, when they split, and when the relationship end.

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u/SquirrelBoring9999 19h ago

Since I was always too much alarmed by her sexual apetite, I always wore a condom.

Literally always, not 100% protected, but almost.

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u/No_Use1529 18h ago

Yup….

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u/maranru Dated 20h ago

I did.

Negative.

The only time I'm my life I was ever worried about the results

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u/Cute-Boobie777 11h ago

Negative for herpes too? I know not everyone is worried about it but most dont test for those

1

u/maranru Dated 10h ago

Full screen.

Twice

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u/Technical_Koala_4922 19h ago

Definitely do!

I was very fortunate to have got out just before my ex found out that he had caught herpes from unprotected sex with a one night stand.

1

u/Cute-Boobie777 11h ago

A lot of tests dont even test for it. Probably not uncommon for these people to have a number of HSVs including the dangerous ones without even knowing 

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u/Chrisg_322 12h ago

100%, a lot of people are in denial about just how promiscuous borderlines are and could be spreading STDs without even realizing it.

They hear the term "favored person" and assume that indicates loyalty. These people arent capable of loyalty. Always be better safe than sorry.

Ironically it was a borderline who showed me where to get free STD testing from in my city. Gee I wonder why she would have needed that 🤣

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u/Own_Trifle_6320 9h ago

I was experiencing intense pain. It turned out to be a kidney infection. But I remember how nervous she was constantly checking in on me about what was wrong and if I was okay. If I got tested yet and if it was clear. I thought she was just being concerned. Later, once I checked dates and some context around her affairs, I found out it was cause she cheated and was worried she got caught. Everyone, please get tested. And know it’s not your fault if you do end up having an STI. There are support groups for you. 

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u/Interesting_Data4642 17h ago

Heavy on this!! my ex said the only reason she didn’t cheat in person was because she was “too nervous”. god knows if that’s true lol. she was cheating on me with people online the whole time.

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u/romeomalfoy 17h ago

Just had to get one done because he lied about literally everything

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u/Cute-Boobie777 11h ago

Also note many std tests wont test for the various herpes viruses. 

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u/devouredxflowers 5h ago

I just found my pwBPD’s hand written list of dudes she’s boned. I can tell it’s old because it’s missing a lot of people. It has names dates and locations. It’s two whole sides of a piece of legal paper. Some entires read “guy from 3 way”, 6 guy gang bang (she used to occasionally hit the sex club)

I’m not even on that list lol. She’s admitted to having sexual relations with almost 100 people or more. I just don’t know how someone would have the time and energy for that shit. I don’t find it to be morally bad but I do find it a bit off putting? And she famously never uses condoms because of her LS. So I get tested regularly and always came up clean.

I think if anything I’m a little jealous since I’ve only had sex with a dozen people and never had sex with multiple people. Didn’t really get to go hog wild in my 20’s like she did, I was tied down in long term relationships.

Hey at least we’re non monogamous and I’m getting some outside of the relationship and she is much better to me when I have other people to go to when she’s splitting. I do really love her and care but yeah that’s a hard pill to swallow. But I’m taking it as a learning experience I guess, I’m working on my feeling of jealousy and the other feelings that probably stem from inherited patriarchy stuff.