Hi all,

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2017 after an attempt. A psychiatrist said I had a “manic” episode. This diagnosis followed me up until last week. I have always questioned the diagnosis. So I went to a mood disorders clinic to have it looked into further. After a 2-3 hour full interview and review, they felt I had anxiety and “sensitivity to the iatrogenic effects of medication.” They feel that going on and off different medications as well as poly pharmacy over the years has caused the symptoms I experience.

Where I am, you see the psychiatrist once and then they send your file back to your family doctor to follow you. There is no way to see a psychiatrist on an ongoing basis. Sucks for continuity of care, but it is what it is. They have ruled OUT bipolar disorder.

I am on a small dose of an antipsychotic and an antidepressant. I feel kind of lost. I’ll check in with my GP, but now I’m wondering if I should even stay on medication. Has anyone heard of a sensitivity to the iatrogenic effects of medication? I’m a bit shaken that I have carried this diagnosis in my file for so long and it has been incorrect. Feeling so lost. This will likely be my last post on this sub. I have appreciated being here and all the support over the years.

Thank you!

This will be a bit of a lengthy post - I am ultimately seeking opportunities to respectfully exchange with others about navigating bipolar

I learned that I am bipolar 3 months ago. It was the shock of my life, to say the least. But I am embracing it....

I want to start out by saying that I am extremely grateful to have found this (and similar) online spaces. I joined this subreddit within a handful of weeks of learning about my bipolar. I came here to not only process my own condition, but to also learn from others lived experiences with bipolar. I have learned so much from everybody!

I am starting to struggle with my own personal experiences with bipolar - as my experiences don't always "match up" with the things that I am reading about and taking in on this and other subreddits. I am seeking an honest conversation where I would like to be open about how I have experienced bipolar as I am currently trying to chart out my path toward treatment.

First and foremost, I want to name the fact that I am of color - I know well that I live in a system that can sometimes neglect certain populations and that conditions like bipolar can get missed. When I learned that I am bipolar, I immediately realized that I have been this way since I was a child. It's not entirely a story of neglect though - because when I was in 2nd grade, my school teacher at the time referred me to the school social worker - whom I stayed with until I graduated in 8th grade. This was actually a really positive thing for me, as I have been in therapy my whole life - and yet, somehow, my bipolar was always missed. Nevertheless, I have always been in therapy because my mental health has always been pretty off.

My teens, 20s and 30s actually follow a pretty "common" theme: I had an active SUD that put me into a mixed way for a good solid 4-5 years where I behaved terribly, hurt other people, and did a whole bunch of things that I deeply regret and feel forever ashamed about. I am only now piecing these parts of my life together. They never made sense before - it all makes sense now.

I think that the place where I am starting to get stuck is that I have lived my whole life not knowing I have bipolar disorder. And while there are clear signs and signals of my condition all throughout my life, I have also lived a relatively stable life.

A bunch of people in my family are bipolar - I know it sounds crazy, but we literally had no idea. Schizophrenia exists within our family. We do know this. There is a lot of openness about schizophrenia and those with schizophrenia in my family are diagnosed and they are all in treatment.... this has always been an open conversation in my family. There is no shame and we love our family members with schizophrenia deeply.

Some of us just learned within the last 3-5 years that bipolar can split from schizophrenia. We literally had no idea. We suspect my mother - who is approaching 80 - is also likely bipolar.

A bunch of us have literally lived our lives "raw dogging" bipolar disorder (pardon the awful anaology here but i have no idea how else to describe it) .... and guess what? We've all lived relatively stable lives. And when I say stable, I mean stable with an asterisk* ..... A bunch of us are college graduates, have successful careers, marriages, families, etc ... granted, some of us (like myself) are known to be a little on the spicy side - but ultimately, i think what i am trying to say is that our lives, and our families didn't implode .... We're all actually doing okay - well, in fact. Undiagnosed. Untreated.

Speaking for myself personally, in spite of being on the "spicy" side, I generally live a happy life. I am stably married and have a career.

I want to be clear about the fact that I am not advocating that people with bipolar live their lives like undiagnosed and untreated.... I guess I am just trying to say that I need a little bit of a different conversation about my experiences with bipolar ..... I do have a differential diagnosis of BP II with psychotic features that will become "official" this month (september) and I will begin treatment with a Psych NP that I hand selected and feel I am a great match with.

This post is already super long - but i also want to put it out there that i have been planning on medicating with Lamictal .... but as I approach my appointment later this month, i am having second thoughts about it. Not because I doubt by diagnosis - but because I have spent my whole life trying to manage my mental health (because i am definitely squirrel-y) and have managed to put together a successful toolbox for myself with my therapy team that really helps me with my symptoms.

This is a genuine question that I feel like I need to have: If I have managed to arrive at a stable euthymic mood using whats in my personal toolbox, then is medication necessary for right now? It doesn't mean that I would not consider medicating in the future when the need arises... I am very clear about my depression and the fact that i will absolutely medicate with the appropriate antidepressants the next time i fall into depression.

I just need to have a different conversation - one that is both scientifically grounded, but that also does not default to the medical model of understanding bipolar - especially when the medical industry does neglect certain populations - we've been forced to creatively come up with our own ways of understanding, coping, and ultimately managing.

I would love to hear from others - especially folks with bipolar who may also have other marginalized identities and who also experience that neglect within the healthcare systems and have been forced to learn how to navigate conditions like bipolar in different ways.

Thanks!! 🙏🙏🙏

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TLDR: just learned I am bipolar at the age of 50 and my experiences living my life with bipolar disorder without knowing it don't always match up with the things i am reading about on this subreddit and i am seeking conversations / perspectives about different ways of understanding my bipolar and my journey with it. Please do feel free to respond - but please keep the discussion respectful... Thanks! <3

My brain feels like the bouncy ball on the lyrics of a singalong video. My plan through Thursday:
1. Heads up to therapist
2. Lean on rescue meds - seroquel
3. Stop using AI and find a way out of it at work
4. Stack real things and experiences - silly tv and movies, walks in the park, having time with pets
5. See friends
6. Brick my phone

Any adds. I’ve been 5 years mostly stable. AI can’t have my sanity

I feel depressed for over three years and no meds worked for me. I tried everything in my country ssri s seroquel abilify vraylar lamotrigine (had rash). So whatever is found in my country. I cannot shake the depression. Idk what to take anymore. One med I did not try enough was mirtazapine but I am not very sure its ok for me because I have prediabetes and it can cause weight gain. I am doing therapy for past trauma but things move very slow. I am out of ideas. Of what could help. Needed to vent thanks for Reading.

24M. Diagnosed with MDD/GAD after a suicide attempt in 2022. I’ve been in therapy since 2020 and already have seen a psychiatrist, so I’m not asking for a diagnosis. I’m mostly wondering if anyone has experienced something similar.

My timeline:

Smoked weed daily for years during college.
Stopped my antidepressant (non-SSRI) and started smoking daily again in October 2024.

**Feb 2025:** Quit weed abruptly. About a week later I tried mad honey for the first time. I then had a month-long manic episode that progressed to psychosis, requiring an anti-psychotic, IOP, and a medical leave from work.
Afterward I fell into a depression. Low-dose atypical anti-psychotic seemed to help more than my antidepressant.

**Oct 2025:** Stopped meds and started smoking weed daily again.

**Feb 2026:** Quit weed again.
Within weeks I had another elevated period that lasted about 3 months. I got into two relationships and ended both quickly, started a serving job an hour away then quit after one shift, became quite confident and social, thought my mental health was finally “fixed,” and constantly made plans to fix my finances, get back in the gym, go back to college, etc. This time I never became psychotic.

That was followed by the depressive period where it’s like my mood recently can either be okay and kinda happy or I can spiral and get quite depressive after relatively small triggers.

Saw a psychiatrist and she called it “bipolar unspecified” due to how muddy things were with the weed and drug use I guess.

Outside of these two periods, I don’t think I’ve had clear manic episodes.

I’m a bit apprehensive in thinking I am bipolar or need to get on meds for it but idk.

Thoughts?

Anyone had or know about a similar experience?

Lately I’ve been feeling kinda detached from reality, but I started to get worried about this when I started hearing things. I woke up in the middle of the night and I thought I was listening to music, I could hear it, I checked my phone and there was nothing. Today I was listening to a car alarm, but I don’t know if it’s real, I don’t think it is cause I was in a class full of people and no one seemed to notice. I don’t know if I’m getting psychotic or even if you can be aware you’re getting psychotic. Anyone can help me?

Anybody else also struggle with enjoying TV series while on an antipsychotic? I'm on Olanzapine & i just can't seem to enjoy or watch movies & series anymore.

Do you guys still enjoy, watch movies & series & what medication helped you with that?

hi! i’ve been talking psych medication for the past year & it has vastly impacted me- the main way being extreme weight gain. for reference, i started at a size small & am now an xl. i recently met with my provider and requested to change medications and am in the process of that now.

i was wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how they managed to lose the weight they gained. i’m planning to try dieting and exercise, but i was wondering if there was anything else i could do to help my body.

i’ve considered trying the cutting mix they sell on tiktok shop, but i don’t know if those things actually work or if it’s just a money grab.

any advice or support would be greatly appreciated!

Just posting to say after a few weeks of tapering off olanzapine and starting abilify, I finally slept until my alarm went off this morning. Its been a rocky sleep adjustment but my brain seems to slowly be adjusting. Last night was the first night without any olanzapine.

Small victories.

Has anyone else noticed that as they've gotten older, you suffer more from dysphoric mania than "Normal" ( euphoric, hypersexual ect..) Mania? When it started as a teen, I would experience the typical mania symptoms: awake for 36- 72 hours, deep cleaning my house, being out with friends all night, grandiose self-image, impulsive thoughts about spending, substances, etc. Now if im not depressed, it just feels like I'm going to fucking explode.

Very rarely anymore do I experience anything that feels euphoric. Even worse, I do miss that feeling of mania. I felt energetic in a good way, now I just feel on the edge and keyed up with no REAL release. It didn't feel like my mind was being pulled in a million directions at once, all while spinning just as fast. It didn't feel like the anger in my chest was suffocating me to the point of physically feeling my body want to run to get away from that feeling. It didn't feel dangerous or like my mind was out of control and shattering. I still do suffer from the physical symptoms, but the actual feelings of the emotions themselves has changed into the exact opposite of how they used to manifest. Which makes it substantially harder to catch an episode coming on and mitigate shit, or warn the people around me before it gets to a point that im unable to control it.

Every time I see a doc a get a new diagnosis. I had this real bad case of depression that lasted like 20 years, but I gave it one last go and felt like I may have snapped out of it. I thought I'd try an anti-depressant so that I didn't go back to my depressed state... and things got weird. I feel like I did a speedrun of therapy in my head.

One doc said I had ADHD, and the latest says bipolar - other. This would be the second time, triggered by zoloft I guess.

I guess I had a mild manic episode or two, so here I am. I don't remember being this way when I was younger. It's weird diagnosis to get at 50.

I started a mood stabilizer yesterday and feel better already. I have a follow up appt with my primary doc today.

I'm thinking about suggesting my psychiatrist to start me on Latuda, but last time I tried Latuda it made me very angry and I eventually dropped it. Nonetheless I think I'm willing to try it again but I'd like to know if anyone has had increased irritability with this medication and what meds have you taken that help with that (e.g. propranolol)?

I just came out of a mixed episode and I want to try as much as possible before i start lithium in two weeks (as well as the impending doom of autumn and winter coming)

My niche thing at the moment is figure skating which gets me out of the house + active. my not so niche thing is trying to build up a morning and evening routine so i can fix my circadian rhythm.

I'd love to try more things like diet or mindfulness or literally any activity that can help me be stable. I'm also restarting uni in 28 days so i genuinely feel like i'm running out of time to get as stable as possible

Im starting to get depressed again. I started a part time job a few months ago after not working for over a year due to my mental health. A few weeks ago they said they wanted to up my hours which was fine at the time. But now Im struggling to go in. Its not even that hard of a job. Although my coworker stresses me out but thats another story. I just dont want to struggle to work again... I eventually want to get back into a full time job and be independent again. But idk it just keeps coming back and breaking down everything I build.

I plan on talking to my psych nurse soon to see if a med change will help. I really dont want to go on disability... but everytime I have an episode I feel like I might have to.

Last night I had a dream that I could only communicate by singing Queen of the Stone Age's song Feel Good Hit of the Summer, but with these lyrics made up of a few of the medications I've been on.

What would your lyrics be to this song?

I don’t know if I want to just plug my substack. But I know I do want to share that reading what people have on there is helpful. I haven’t looked at bipolar specific posts, but I have been writing about my struggle with the disorder and other mental conditions. How psychedelics affected me, from making things worse or better. However, at the same time, I worry if people will try to copy my experiences in real time to replicate whatever recovery I went through. Am I overthinking, stuck in my ego, or am I being empathetic towards possible readers? Either way, I just want to encourage others with mental health conditions to journal privately.

Lately I've been getting some really bad restlessness/akathisia right before bed. I take Latuda, Lithium, Lamictal, and Lunesta at night and Wellbutrin in the morning.

lately right as im going to bed I feel incredibly restless/antsy. often times now im having to take 2 of my lunesta to overcome it to knock me out. last night was really bad and I had to take the 2 lunesta, smoke some weed, take 2 benadryl and sit in the shower to calm down enough to lay still

has anyone else dealt with this? my psych wants me to experiment with timing and amount of food I take with my latuda to see if that helps. any tips?

As hard as I try I can’t get a grip on my Bipolar. I can’t seem to keep a job due to anxiety and paranoia.

I can manage a household, pets, personal health and fitness and relationships but I can never no matter how hard I try I can’t keep myself stable for a long time.

I have gone through an incredible amount of trauma and I’m wondering if it’s ruined me.

I am medication and medical care compliant and see a therapist.

I’m starting to feel hopeless in my illness and that there is no point in going on.

Lately, I’ve been noticing my heart skipping too fast, followed by nausea/light-headedness—to a point where it starts to feels like a deadly heart attack. I used to have them often, after my first manic episode… but, now, I’m experiencing these symptoms once a month!

I usually go to a quiet place and lower my head between my knees, while counting my breaths—attempting to lower my BPM as much as I can.

My dilemma! What if this happens at work? I hate the thought of someone seeing me like that and so vulnerable…

Any advice on either how to stop panic attacks and/or what to do if you’re in public?

my mental health has been terrible this past year, with having multiple manic episodes/hallucinations and things that pushed people away. I take responsibility for it and am focusing on becoming healthier. But unfortunately my problems pushed away some of the most important people in my life. I'm so lonely now and I don't know where to go from here. I'm trying to focus more on my hobbies but i get so lonely and need someone to talk to at the end of the day. It sucks.

Anybody have experience with these - been on Lamictal for years the fanapt and Effexor are new. I’ve tried vrlar, caplyta, busbar, lithium, respiral to name a few.
I am hopeful with this new combo - Any feedback is appreciated

I’m really thinking about getting a new psychiatrist. She has me on Prozac but will not give me any mood stabilizers because she thinks I have Borderline personality disorder- but in reality I’m having mixed episodes a day because of the SSRI.

I gave her a very clear description of what’s going on. And it’s word for word BP 2. I ended up crying because she didn’t want to give me anything for it yet. I said “I’ve been doing this for 15 years. All of the meds have failed. And I want to be better for my kids and family.” Dude, my mom, dad, brothers and sisters have BP 2. My sister who’s a nurse urged me to tell a psych. Idk what to do now..

Walked out with nothing but telling me cognitive therapy is best for insomnia and counseling is best for borderline.. I feel so lost and hopeless

Is this an experience for you guys too?? I don't know if this is just because I have BPD (therefore feelings of emptiness and low tolerance for boredom), but I just can't bring myself to be satisfied and content when I'm remitted (without any episodes). I always feel like, whenever I'm stable and ok, I just feel such a rooted emptiness inside me, like there's something fundamentally missing; like something inside me that used to move just got static. My baseline mood is stable but it is dissatisfied and bored and I can't take it. It makes me want to purposefully do stuff to get bad again so that I have "something happening" in my life. I truly hate it so much and I just wish I could learn how to be at peace with peace.