Today my girlfriend made it. One month without snooping. I am weirdly proud of her

[u/strangelifedad]

​

Meal: Fettuccine with seafood and fried tomatoes.

Today my girlfriend of more than 2 years made a big step in regaining to be able to trust again.

We both met in a self help group for divorced/left spouses. Long story short, my wife left me and my daughter for her affair partner after bluntly telling me she always was lesbian and I am the problem.

Got really bad after but with the help of a very observant social worker and a person I never thought would have my back filing a witness statement about the false allegations my ex made to gain custody after the abandonment, I received full custody. Crazy enough, it helped me move on even easier. Only hiccup is my ex dodging child support but honestly, f that.

My girlfriend's husband had multiple affairs and she only found out when he left his account logged in the tablet. She literally saw the affair happening in real time. Talk about ptsd inducing stuff.

Anyway, she has serious trust issues to this day even with therapy. Some things just stay with you.

I knew it from the beginning. But I grew up in a very tight nit household and my parents aren't people who think "privacy". They are literally privacy communists 😅 but they always asked before invading. And they asked a lot. Still do.

Well, for about a year now my girlfriend and her therapist worked on her impulsive need to check but having my parents around (they love her, opposite to my ex) doesn't help, to put it mildly. Adding my own attitude to my privacy, which doesn't exist, my girlfriend had a hard time with keeping her own self imposed boundaries when she got into her own head or was triggered by something.

Today it happened. She crossed out the 31st day on the calendar of the fridge. She is so proud of herself but also somehow mourns the fact that she is like that. The last few days were hard for her. I came home late one day and forgot to call ahead. One time I took the kids to the park with her ex (wild story, but he is admittedly the worst husband but a great father to his kids and actually a great "step dad" to my daughter). This man is a conundrum on legs.

Anyway, we sent the kids to my parents and will celebrate tonight. Because fuck trust issues and fuck anxiety.

As I can't really tell our friends, because some things are private even for me, you lot have to suffer me being proud of my girlfriend. Let's see if she can continue on her self imposed journey. In my mind there will be no failure anyway, no matter if she "snoops" again or not.

Thanks for listening to this stupid guy.

EDIT): thank you so much for al your support and encouraging words. I showed the post to my girlfriend and she likes to let you know that she is really happy that this little progress got do much nice and loving comments.

There are so many comments I can't reply to them all, but thank you all, I appreciate the support.

I will try to answer some of the comments who had questions because I don't want let you hanging.

As for the evening yesterday? Let's just say, parents with more than one week of experience know what happens if you have 4 kids who are all excited and one of them being very sensitive. But we got the dinner time alone before the call came.

Thanks a lot.

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[u/wowyeahdude]

In a world of “that’s a red flag” “she’s insecure, dump her” “it will only get worse from here” she is very lucky to have you and your support. Congrats to her and I hope one day her mind allows her to feel secure enough to not jump to the worst conclusion or feel the need to snoop. 🩷

[u/Inside_Smell_4004 → u/wowyeahdude]

wow yeah dude

[u/MongooseVegetable787 → u/wowyeahdude]

yes but lets discuss how that pasta has a shrimp ration to tagliatelle of 3:1

that is a microcosmos of the entire situation, happy for you op and try it with very fresh shrimps, garlic, white wine and parsley instead of tomatoes

[u/wowyeahdude → u/MongooseVegetable787]

Sooo, scampi?

[u/MongooseVegetable787 → u/wowyeahdude]

yes, scampi

[u/strangelifedad → u/MongooseVegetable787]

This is my favorite Italian place😉but it helps with the extra shrimp or three that the owner knows me since I was a toddler and my dad being his go to plumber. 🤣talk about nepotism with food.

[u/MongooseVegetable787 → u/strangelifedad]

Extra? Mf that is Shrimps with a bit of pasta

[u/strangelifedad → u/MongooseVegetable787]

Yeah, well. The guy is Italian and is convinced that eating seafood gives men endurance "when needed". And I love seafood, so I sure as hell will not oppose him on this. If I tell you what I pay for it you sure as hell block me 😅🤣

[u/omgspek → u/wowyeahdude]

I think the key here is the story behind it. There’s a VERY GOOD reason for her to have that behavior, both are aware and she’s working on it.

The couple’s communication and commitment to each other is (unsurprisingly) the reason for the success story.

Contrast with women who are perhaps traumatized by similar trust issues, but never communicate it or worse, refuse to acknowledge their new partner isn’t the same as the old one, think that “men are the problem” and never take steps to heal their own trauma. That’s where the red flags are, IMO.

In any case, both OP and his gf are lucky to have each other’s backs. That’s what lasting relationships are made of.

[u/geekywarrior → u/wowyeahdude]

Exactly, social media makes it seem like everyone is constantly on trial. And you always get a full gallery of people clamoring for relationship death penalties if a partner shows any flaws.

No wonder we all have anxiety now.

[u/fatimus_prime → u/geekywarrior]

Your flair. Pastamancer. I’m stunned, I’ve never seen another KOL fan outside of the sub or the game.

[u/geekywarrior → u/fatimus_prime]

An adventurer are us! Always fun to spot another KoL fan in the wild, haven't played in a bit though. Maybe I'll step back into it. Still rocking an account from 2005

[u/wowyeahdude → u/geekywarrior]

I was about to say hell yeah Kings of Leon but I don’t think that’s the topic here lol

[u/strangelifedad → u/wowyeahdude]

I will wait for that day. Until then I will be the lighthouse in her storm. That's what I was raised by. She doesn't really know that, but she was my lighthouse three years ago.

She never questioned my honor when I had to navigate very heinous accusations. She listened to my side and believed me. It's only right to give back what was received.

Sorry for being this dramatic but that's how I am 😁

[u/Bored_Amalgamation → u/wowyeahdude]

Some people can be fixed.

[u/charthurs]

W OP
https://giphy.com/gifs/CAYVZA5NRb529kKQUc

[u/Desperate-Animal1651]

Learning to trust after your trust has been broken like that is really hard. I’m so happy for you both. ❤️

[u/kiiwiilover]

Proof that when someone wants to commit to a relationship they take time to work on themselves. Happy for the both of you OP.

[u/kiiwiilover → u/kiiwiilover]

Thanks for the award ☺️

[u/metalheadtrees]

I wanna be like this guy when I grow up

[u/baddieslovebadideas → u/metalheadtrees]

minus the wife leaving and being shitty about it part, that part sounds decidedly less chill than he does

[u/innociv → u/baddieslovebadideas]

Why was that comment even necessary? Those have nothing to do with him as a person. Those a things that happened TO him. Do you not understand the difference?

[u/baddieslovebadideas → u/innociv]

never made a necessary comment on reddit tbh, even the ones where I was legitimately being helpful.

[u/strangelifedad → u/baddieslovebadideas]

Oh, believe me, I was everything but chill back then.

[u/kathios → u/baddieslovebadideas]

That just builds character

[u/Automatic-Mine1076 → u/metalheadtrees]

I don’t think you should aspire to heal damaged goods. This seems like a one off situation where he loved her and understood what she needed. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

[u/BT418]

Man we love to hear this. So happy for both of you and the fact that you two found each other

[u/NinaNeptune318]

That looks delicious!

It's lovely to hear you have such empathy and understanding about trust issues. It actually gives me hope I might get to experience healthy love at least once in my life. Enjoy your celebration!

[u/FightOrFreight]

she always was lesbian and I am the problem.

lmao, pick one.

[u/Wonderful_Setting_29 → u/FightOrFreight]

Well clearly hes the problem, he probably has a penis! How dare he! Because shes certainly not the problem, knowing shes into women and marrying a man anyway.

/s

[u/Low_Recognition_1557]

I’m proud of you, and proud of your girlfriend. Trauma doesn’t just live in our memories and imagination, it can literally impact our brain chemistry and physiology and can require a lot of time and patience to heal, just like a physical injury to the body. You guys have a complex situation between the experiences the two of you have had and being able to support each other and navigate it together is lovely.

[u/strangelifedad]

Jesus, sorry for the editing.

[u/TdotKdot29]

whats the opposite of rage bait? i loved this post. 💚

[u/ANorthCountryGirl → u/TdotKdot29]

Hope lure? 🌸

[u/bulletPoint]

You're a good dude for extending the grace that you have. I am glad she appreciates it. I am glad you have the maturity to navigate this. Feelgood story right here!

[u/single_vgn]

As a ptsd bundle of trust issues it’s really cool to be so thoughtful and helpful. I’m 13 years into dealing with it and being surrounded by understanding really helps.

[u/Grillard]

Dude, you are awesome and so is she. May previously slightly gloomy day is better for having read this post. Keep being you!

[u/VileInventor]

Congratz on her 31st day :) tell her that even if she falls down and checks it one day again and resets the timer that isn’t the end of the world. It isn’t about the failure, it’s about getting back up. This time it’s 31 and next time it’s 32 and in a few years it’s 365. Get back up.

[u/Late_Ambassador7470]

Your girlfriend here, just wanna say thanks for believing in me

[u/strangelifedad → u/Late_Ambassador7470]

Bro.... really? 😅🤣

[u/TendiesOnPoint]

Remindme! 3 months

[u/Typingperson1]

💖💖💖

[u/Loan-Pickle]

You are a good man for helping her through this.

[u/Maleficent-Basil-314]

So happy for both of you and I hope you continue supporting each other. In a couple of years, hopefully trusting each other will be your default.

[u/Pitcherhelp]

What do you mean snoop? You never said what she actually was doing

[u/crystallinehuman → u/Pitcherhelp]

Checking in his phone or devices to see if he's cheating

[u/Early_Analyst9525]

Trauma is a hell of a thing. GZ to her

[u/OrizaRayne]

I love this for you!
I'm a "privacy communist" too lol. I have a 16 year old, so it's going about as expected. She is EDUCATING ME and I'm here for it. Boundaries are good things!
I genuinely don't understand WHY she is so concerned about her private space and communications, I wasn't like that as a teen, but I'm here for the self advocacy and awareness coming from her.

[u/biemba]

She's lucky to have you

[u/Samjef_Kealclut]

This is the sweetest most empathetic post. I think your lucky to have each other.

It almost make me think of a compulsion I used to have. I didnt always have proper health care and as a result have even used over the counter (no recalled) inhalers, or expired ones.

Due to not always having an answer during an episode I started getting real anxious around breathing to the point that any little congestion etc would make me start almost hyper ventilating and I wouldnt feel better until I used the inhaler.

Issue is that you can get some pretty bad side effects from inhaler overuse. One you get into the headspace of "help im drowning" then the life line (snoooping is hers) becomes the only way to calm down, the only way you know your not about to die.

Very difficult stuff, and will takes years and set backs. but the situation seems hopeful overall. Best of luck.

[u/northcoast1]

Congratulations to both of you.

This is a main issue that destroyed my last relationship. I did what I said and said what I did but was never believed.

I handed over my phone several times and found her going through it several more.

It's no way to live. You have to have trust and she has to not only trust you but also get past her trust issues .

You are not that guy that did these things to her and if she continues to project her insecurities on you about trust and cheating then the relationship becomes untenable.

Good luck sir!

[u/mallocum]

I'm a trans dude now but before I was in a cis straight marriage that ruined my trust for any future partners... This gives me hope that people can heal. Maybe I could start a calendar of this for myself. My partner now is really a good guy.

[u/UpstairsEuphoric8177]

Good stuff OP but can you add fake names or alphabets so it's easier to follow the writing? I got confused twice on who you were talking about.

[u/CronkinOn]

Love reading positive stories of two people with "baggage" who love & support their partner fully, even if trauma isn't always pretty!

Kudos mate, and go love on your girlfriend. I can understand being mournful (even pissed) at having someone hurt/impact you enough that 30 days of not being "crazy" feels big, but such deep healing is ALWAYS worthy of celebration. She just took a HUGE step towards getting the piece of her back that that asshole took from her.

[u/MrCynicalSalsa]

I'm so happy for you bud.

As someone who's going through a divorce right now, would you be willing to share some of these support divorce groups? I'm definitely in need of some community

[u/OklahomaTiddy]

hell yeah

[u/Substantial_Debt6161]

I’m so proud of you both. That’s a huge step.
I know how hard it is to overcome trust issues. My ex never knew but I was very proud of myself for never checking his phone or any of his socials or anything even though my previous two exes cheated on me like it was an Olympic event. This last ended because he had codependency issues he wasn’t willing to work on and I was not willing to be an enabler after working through my own codependency issues so we amicably split. Relationships can’t survive with only one person doing the work and healing. Anyway, he knew my trust issues had trust issues but he didn’t know that I had made up my mind to trust him and that meant not checking his phone or devices etc. For his part, though, I admit he made it easy for me by being absolutely transparent because he literally had nothing to hide. Despite the relationship ending for other reasons, that really helped me heal. It’s absolutely possible. I wish you both luck!

[u/milly-on-air]

u guys are very lucky to have each other 🥹

[u/flewthehornedbird]

Congrats to both of you!!! No one is perfect so it’s nice to read about you two crazy kids working on yourselves and really making a go of it and cooperating with each others’ complicated backstories. Cheers to you two 🍻

[u/Jamnitrix]

hell yeah man. finally some good news

[u/woodala]

I don’t get it. What was she doing? Looking at your phone with permission? Without permission? Instagram? Email? Text?

I

[u/strangelifedad → u/woodala]

She looked through my phone without really asking. Well, she kind of asked but not specifically. The real issue wasn't that, though. I understand her reasons and if it helps her to soothe herself when she's in this mood I don't really mind. It's not that there's anything interesting on it to begin with. What should she find out? That I skipped my appointment with the dentist because I hate the dentist? That my best friend's wife asked me to not tell him about his surprise birthday dinner? She knew before me, because she had already agreed to look after their kids that evening anyway.

Stuff like that. The issue is that she herself feels like she is undermining my trust in her. It's literally a her problem but then it's my job to make her feel comfortable enough to be able to resolve this with herself, isn't it?

[u/Emotional-Builder-75]

I'm happy for you, happy for her! Heres to many more months!

[u/HoogerMan]

Unrelated to your post but that food looks incredible

[u/ChildrenOfSteel]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3oKGz9PtFqfXQy0yre