r/BoyDinnerDiaries • u/Calm_Comfortable_484 • 22h ago
Advice Wanted - Everyones Welcome My best friend finally told me why he disappeared
My best friend and I basically stopped talking out of nowhere a few months ago. No argument, no big falling out, he just slowly stopped answering and eventually I quit reaching out.
He texted me this weekend asking if I wanted to grab food and talk. We ended up at this taco place we used to go to all the time.
Turns out his girlfriend really didnt like me and kept telling him I was a bad influence, so instead of telling me any of that he just started distancing himself. They broke up recently and now he wants things to go back to normal.
I missed the guy but sitting there listening to him explain it I realized I'm still pretty pissed. Not sure you can just disappear on someone for months and then pick the friendship back up like nothing happened.
Street tacos
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u/Dook2Wavy Protein prophet 22h ago edited 16h ago
As much as other people in the comment section have correct points, I operate slightly differently. Maybe it’s just because I’m a very introverted person, but I’m one of those friends who you CAN disappear from for months, and i’ll accept you back like nothing happened.
People have lives, people periodically grow apart, and people may be going through a lot that we never know about. A “real” friendship to me, is one that can continue like nothing ever happened after you both get separated due to something.
don’t resent him, and don’t be mad at him. when he lost his girlfriend, he realized how much he missed you and THAT is what mattered. you guys are young, this will NOT be the first friend that disappears on you for a girl. You’re young and learning life, this is bound to happen even to your female friends.
He apologized and invited you out to eat. That is what matters the most to me. He may have learned his lesson, so just be there for him. If this mistake is made twice, then move accordingly.
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u/WherePoetryGoesToDie BoyDinnerEnjoyer 16h ago
There was a scene in some Paul Rudd film, where his dad, in describing a call, says something like: “We talk to each other once a year. Don’t even know his name. Best friend I’ve ever had.” Played for a joke, but I related really hard to that bit.
I have a handful of beloved friends who, if they ever need me, know I’d drop everything to be by their side. And I know they’d do the same, because we’ve done it before for each other.
We don’t really keep in constant touch, except for big life events, but we can fall into an easy rhythm in person like we haven’t been separated by time and hundreds of miles. Nothing wrong if op doesn’t want that type of relationship, but I do feel like a lot of male friendships sort of end up in that weird “I’d take a bullet for you but also I don’t really want to see you more than a few times a year” zone.
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u/Jokerino74 Fridge Light Philosopher 11h ago
At the same time OP's feelings of being pissed is really adequate and it is ok for him to be. I completly agree with your point, but meeting once and apologizing is kinda just the basis. I mean, he didnt stand up for his friend when his gf shittalked him, thats really bad behaviour. It'd be different if he just spend all the time with her and couldnt handle more... ot was a concious decision. I'd try to make sure my friend understands that that behaviour is kinda unacceptable as a good friend and that forwardly should not happen again.
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u/Remarkable-Point-165 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 9h ago
You lost me at “continue like nothing happened.” Keep the friendship intact? Why not. At the same caliber as before? Maybe eventually, but definitely not in this moment.
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u/Ok_Dependent6889 You are definitely wrong. 5h ago
Found the guy who treats everything as a personal attack and holds grudges for decades
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u/Desperate-Animal1651 Girl 8h ago
I think friendships where you don’t talk for a few months and then pick back up are fine, if that’s what those friendships are like. But choosing to distance yourself from your closest friend without any sort of explanation is not that. This “friend” decided to prioritize his girlfriend over his best friend, and without so much as a single conversation, decided to completely change the friendship dynamic. That is not the same thing.
The friendship dynamic isn’t the issue. The lack of communication and complete lack of consideration for your closest “friend” is the issue.
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u/Dramatic_Water_5364 Hungry man 8h ago
I understand that, in OP's eyes, disapearing for months is long. But it only shows how young he is. Heck sometimes people disapear for a decade.
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u/danielthetwin Shower Beer Scholar 3h ago
I feel this is the way of it. One side of the coin shows that people are selfish, the other side shows that everyone lives their own life. Their own dreams, goals of all sizes, and a dealt hand of challenges and burdens. I think if you spend enough time once with someone to trust that you understand and share their values and they seem to understand and share yours back, you may have a lifelong friend unless you learn that you were mistaken. Spending time with them does not truly need to be a part of it.
That’s certainly not saying that actively ghosting someone is okay. And if there is a need for certain amounts of interaction, that should be shared. OP should at least try to express the pain he’s now feeling, and maybe request some time to think. No friend would argue against that request after all, because they care and they know they were a fool.
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u/TrippyShip Girl lurker 1h ago
I love this but would add: OP needs to outline that this hurt. Among other things (not valuing their history, poor communication) it suggests the friend actually saw OP as a bad influence in his life. If the latter is the case I’m not sure I’d be eager to re-connect.
I’m of the mind that “everyone gets one” where they disappear because I’ve done it - but that’s it. Just one. And the friend needs to remedy the reaching out, communicating, bad influence bullshit
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u/troycerapops Grill Pilled 9h ago
These comments have me thinking some folks are overthinking what it takes to be a good friend.
This seems good man. Not like OP reached out and said "hey, why haven't we hung out in a while? Wanna grab some tacos?"
Two way streets my guys. Just chill and be a friend when you can be a friend.
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u/tokobot19 Fridge Light Philosopher 22h ago
"Bros before hoes"
-Guy Code Chapter 1, verse 1.
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u/Global_Staff_3135 Grill Pilled 22h ago
Yes but this is a lesson that must sometimes learned, not taught.
I’m disappointed by the number of people on here saying “just forget him OP he’ll just do it again.”
I’m sorry, I thought men were capable of learning and growing from mistakes. Honestly this story reads to me like OP and his friend are still very young, 18-19 years old. I did some stupid shit the first time I thought I was in love.
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u/usernamestufff Shower Beer Scholar 21h ago
Meh no reason to be sorry, very valid points regardless of age. Would this not qualify as developing communications skills and potential consequences? Subjectively speaking
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u/Global_Staff_3135 Grill Pilled 20h ago
I mean, that’s up to OP whether or not to forgive and forget. Like I said I made stupid decisions out of love when I was 18 and I am very very grateful that my friends had similar experiences or had the patience to wait me out and let me learn my lesson.
I just hate seeing Reddit constantly default to the most extreme advice.
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u/diasporicnumenorean Leftover Lore Master 18h ago
Unfortunately, it’s been my experience that guys only learn this when they realize that there’s a set of friends who aren’t just going to let them parachute back in after they were dropped and left on read for months.
A good friendship involves reciprocal effort, even if the flow changes through life, so sometimes losing friends after engaging in middle school level romantic shenanigans as an adult is the hard but necessary way to learn to do better with the next set of friends and the next girlfriend.
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u/SectionFantastic3577 Hungry man 22h ago
You don’t deserve people that will come in and out of your life whenever they please.
You deserve consistency and good communication.
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u/Acceptable-Park3517 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 22h ago
I agree but we all make mistakes at some point in life and deserve a second chance.
Judging people by one mistake is not great either, especially with friends.72
u/Moistmeatcurtain Gay Gourmet 22h ago
I think OP should just lay it all out on the table and see how his boy reacts. I think he made a pretty seriously bad choice, but I agree that everybody deserves a second, educated chance to do better.
I also think it’s a very lonely life to cut people out without at least asking for their perspective.
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u/SectionFantastic3577 Hungry man 22h ago
I had a friend do this to me last summer. After the summer they came around after I broke up with my girlfriend last October.
Guess what? They did the same thing this summer and disappeared. Gave em a second choice and this was how I was rewarded.
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u/jimgovoni BoyDinnerEnjoyer 21h ago
Now you know that sometimes the trash takes itself out. You are a fine person, he is not.
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u/Acceptable-Park3517 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 21h ago
Sometimes people don’t value a second chance but this shouldn’t stop you from giving them to others in the future
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u/diasporicnumenorean Leftover Lore Master 18h ago
Yep, sadly this is happened to be before too. Someone people fall into these toxic, middle school-esque relationships that result in them abandoning their friends only to come crawling back begging for community when the intense, all-consuming, co-dependent relationship inevitably ends. You eventually get tired of the circus of it all and aren’t interested in fixing a loneliness situation of their own doing yet again.
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u/InDuplicitousBottles Shower Beer Scholar 14h ago
Yeah it's very common, always has been, and I feel like many people these days are hyper-sensitive to expectations and potential red flags in dating, leading to a lot of pressure and ultimatums over friends, lifestyle, social media presence, etc. It's a bit weak and codependent, but usually not personal and definitely not unforgiveable.
One thing about friendships that I learned getting older, that has contributed to longer-term, stronger friends: they are not your partner or family, they can only show up to the extent they are able, and that's okay. Sometimes that means withdrawing or being in-and-out, you have to allow people to meet you where they can, they aren't obligated to be some huge involved presence all of the time. Embrace this reality - some people just suck and won't make ever an effort, forget them, but others will appreciate the grace you showed and come back into orbit. Being flexible and understanding is much better than being indignant about people failing to meet expectations, that path will just leave you even more friendless, no matter how valid the moral highground.
Therapy talk and self-worth culture is too eager to burn bridges over minor offenses and unreasonable boundaries. I've seen SO many people put way too much stock in freindships, overinflating the value and dependency, then having a huge falling out. I've noticed that feeling in myself too, before realizing it's not worth it.
So I have maintained a lot of dear friendshios, especially for being 40. But a lot of them come in and out depending on all their own priorities and struggles - let them, because yes there will be mistakes. The good ones will still be there, and it's not worth ruining a good friendship over feeling slighted or neglected. Meanwhile tons of people are drawing lines in the sand over minor bullshit, then wondering why they have no meaningful connections.
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u/Mama3Girliepops BoyDinnerEnjoyer 17h ago
I see your point here. I guess it really depends on if the person who made the “mistake” didn’t call it a “mistake” but owned it as a willful choice that harmed.
A lot of people just expect constancy in relationship regardless of repair work.
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u/Hour_Expression_2640 Girl Lurker 22h ago
Agree with this! Because if he has another girlfriend he will probably dip again. OP deserves better.
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u/usernamestufff Shower Beer Scholar 21h ago edited 21h ago
Nailed it, this op as well. I’m almost 40, and though one of my closest guy friends and I parted ways because I moved to the East Coast (20 years ago) and he stayed on the West Coast, we still drop dumb messages to each other randomly. We still root each other on when one of us is getting serious with a girlfriend. If ANYTHING of significance happens in our lives, good or bad, we’re checking in. We’ve been through a lot as teenagers, but my point is men need that relationship outside of family as much as the ladies. I know he’s gonna hand off the kid to his now-wife and pick up the phone if I’m ever in that situation, and I’d drop everything to hear him out too.
*adding cuz another comment i replied to…boys/men…boyz2men…need to fukn communicate and its a big hurdle, with eachother not just SO’s
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u/Global_Staff_3135 Grill Pilled 22h ago
Because why? Men don’t learn lessons from mistakes they make?
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u/Antiwokewarrior69420 Air Fryer Aristocrat 21h ago
How do you know he isn't what she said.
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u/usernamestufff Shower Beer Scholar 21h ago
As strangers, personally I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt. Some self-reflection is better than none. What harm does it do to have a conversation with others in good faith?
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u/NPPraxis Hungry man 28m ago
While I agree with this, dude, his friend was in an abusive controlling relationship and may have just learned a valuable lesson. Withdrawing from him may not be the best route for either of them.
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u/kernalKrash Chin Up 22h ago
For whatever it's worth: yes you can just pick back up.
He was in love and didn't want to lose a future, family, everything and he made a call. It was a bad call, but this is not that shitty, honestly. Also, are you a bad influence? I often am. In fun ways, but yes lots of wives and girlfriends have been annoyed I taught their husband how to drive a motorcycle or surf.
Friends are hard to find. And now you have something to yell at him while playing video games. "You want me to come and revive you? Gonna need you to check with your girlfriend." It'll be fine.
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u/dirtyasseating Hungry man 21h ago edited 21h ago
I didn't talk to my brother for 10 years over some shit he did (though he blames me, and since circumstances changed we hopefully don't need to address that shit until we're drinking too much on our 70s)
He approached at 2x points after we stopped, but not in a reconciling way, so I figured not talking was peaceful enough(I approached early but he wasn't ready and things got pushed further apart, so I stopped).
He had a life event and I sent congratulations text, because he may be a dick but you know, he's my brother.
We talk now like we never stopped.
I wish we didn't lose that time, but we wouldn't have been able to be as close through that time.
It probably a good thing, but it still sucks a bit.
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u/Unable-State6645 22h ago
I agree! Also some people get sucked into toxic relationships where they become isolated.
It’s totally valid to be upset. It’s still ok to forgive them and be there for them when they get out.5
u/SableNW Air Fryer Aristocrat 20h ago
Many wives and girlfriends of my friends also think I’m a bad influence, I get them all to go jump out of planes.
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u/kernalKrash Chin Up 18h ago
Sign me up. And let's talk AirFryer. I got a thermospike and do steak/fries in it and it's f-ing crazy I'm eating that with 5 min effort in 30 min.
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u/diasporicnumenorean Leftover Lore Master 21h ago
Picking back up would be tough for me if I was in OP’s shoes. I mean, how strong is their friendship if his friend was willing to believe this girl that OP was a bad person…to the point where he basically cut him out of his life? That adds some…awkwardness to all of a sudden wanting to jump back into a friendship you let die on the basis of believing OP’s character didn’t make it worth keeping.
Idk, even with a sincere apology, that’s kinda hard to come back from unless you truly don’t believe that the definition of a friend means having your back. A healthy romantic relationship also doesn’t require that you lose your friends, so OP’s former friend has shown a lot of poor judgment unless there are major parts of this story missing.
I had a few friends who would totally disappear while they had girlfriends and then magically come back from being MIA once they broke up. Ngl, it got old to be reminded that this marginal level of effort to hang out would disappear when the next girl came along. I
Granted, there are three sides to every story, but OP knew his friend was distancing himself because he let himself listen to girl he hadn’t known for as long as he knew OP. That sucks. I think what makes it particularly tough is that the friend chose to believe the girl over OP despite knowing OP longer on the topic of whether OP was worth having as a friend. Like, damn. From what we know, it looks like the friend was either thinking only with his little head or is a push over. Don’t love either of those traits in a friend.
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u/kernalKrash Chin Up 20h ago
Yeah, but it sounds like you've never really been in love? Not trying to argue; but I can forgive a buddy being stuck between "Happyness forever" on one side and me on the other... I get it. And I did say it was the wrong call.
Just responding because you wrote a lot. If you can't, you can't. Which is also fair.
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u/diasporicnumenorean Leftover Lore Master 18h ago
Yeah, I get what you are saying, but I have been in love. And the people I’ve fallen in love with would have never tried to make me ghost my friends. That’s not a trait I find attractive. On the contrary, they have been people I’ve been excited to introduce my friends too.
In an instance where someone I love genuinely did have concerns about a friend in my life, I probably wouldn’t be going back to that friend after that relationship ended—because I’m attracted to people with good judgement in people.
I also don’t think that genuine, healthy love is one that results in all of your other friendships atrophying because you only put effort into your romantic relationship. I wouldn’t like to be in a relationship with someone who stops investing in their relationships with their friends just because they are dating me, and vice versa. I know that this is what people do, but I don’t think that’s the sign of a healthy friendship or a friend worth prioritizing. Men with healthy relationships with women also tend to have healthy, solid friendships with their guy friends, and the same is true for women.
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u/CoolHand27 stupid requirement here 5h ago
I was gonna make a response but this sums it up.
Don’t listen to the wish washy babies. It’s your bro.
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u/IllustriousShifter Identity Alchemist 22h ago
“So how are you going to prove to me that you’re willing to be a better friend moving forward than who you’ve been for months?”
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u/SkeettheVandelBuster Boy Dinner Enjoyer 22h ago
Yeah one time is a dumb mistake, but more than once is a bad friend. One of my better buds to this day and I didn’t talk for a long time even when we both coincidentally lived in the same city for a few years because he had started dating a girl I had hooked up with and she was very toxic and controlling. When they broke up we had a talk and worked it out and things have been fine since. Kinda wish we had those years back bc I was lonely af during that time and had no other real friends in the city but I’m certainly glad he is back in my life now
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u/Pristine_Ride_5662 Shower Beer Scholar 22h ago
Depending on your age, that’s a common occurrence. People do stupid things for love/sex.
Ask yourself if you want your friend back enough to risk it happening again. If so, bring him back but also be ready to keep you boundaries or self worth if he does it again, and I’d say no third try.
If you think it’s a nonstarter, then it’s a non starter. But for what it’s worth, I still miss my friend who I didn’t give a second shot. And I don’t miss my friend who I gave a second shot and he blew it. Only one of those is still sucks today, 12 years later.
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u/2Legit2_NotDoIt Air Fryer Aristocrat 22h ago
You are okay to feel pissed; I would be too. I would be mad that he in a way didn’t stick up for you. He could’ve given you that respect to either tell you, or anything rather than distancing.
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u/Dick-Punch89 Protein Prophet 22h ago
Used to have a best friend that did this all the time. He would date someone and would disappear, not really communicate with me much but the moment they broke up he would want to hang out all the time. Same cycle over and over. He eventually met someone that he married and has a kid with. Never hear from him much anymore. Even when I wished him a happy birthday he didn’t have the courtesy to acknowledge it until 3 months later.
You deserve a better friendship just as I deserved a better friendship. Don’t let yourself go through the cycle like I did.
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u/wanton-secretary Girl Lurker 22h ago edited 22h ago
Romantic partners, especially those early ones, have more influence over us than we'd like to admit. It's a live and learn sort of thing. Clearly, she was the bad influence. You're justified in feeling hurt, and it sounds like he's giving you an opportunity to communicate that so go all out if you have to. But he's also taking at least one step to make amends. Being able to say "I'm sorry, I fucked up," is a good quality in a person, especially a friend. If it were me, I'd give him another chance (but not 3, 4, 5, etc. more chances). We all have to live and learn from our mistakes. You're not unreasonable for still feeling sore, and maybe it'll be that way for a while. But maybe true friendships are tested by surviving fire.
I had something similar happen to me with a male friend (not best friends, but definitely one of the closer male friends I had). He ended up with a girl who was super jealous and made him delete females' numbers from his phone and not contact them. Later, he got wise and the relationship ended, and he explained what happened after. We were young. Jealous/controlling partners be crazy. He said sorry. It's in the past. I also had a shithead ex who made me compromise myself in ways I wouldn't repeat, so who am I to preach perfection?
Just my two cents. The friendship doesn't have to go back to normal like before, but it can move forward.
Edited for format and context
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u/Potential-Message835 Macro Mourner 22h ago
I’ve kinda been the friend in this situation. I felt horrible, especially seeing how it impacted others. Distancing from friends is a shitty thing but damn it can be hard to get your head clear when you’re in a relationship. I got my head so wrapped up in one person I forgot about the other people who gave my life good energy. Relationships totally change how you function.
I know I am biased, but my advice is give him a shot. Communicate how you feel and how it’s upsetting to you. However he reacts to that will be a good indicator to you whether you want to become friends again.
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u/diasporicnumenorean Leftover Lore Master 21h ago
I think the big question here was how did you repair that relationship? Asking genuinely, as I think the major factor is being able to show your friend that you are sincerely sorry and that you are ready to defend your friends and their character in the future (and also by extension defend your judge of character in your friends).
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u/Potential-Message835 Macro Mourner 10h ago
I definitely have been severe with my growth. They were cool reconnecting. A simple conversation solved everything. But I cut them off a few months later. Found out some other shit about them that made me want to end the friendships.
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u/Lichondis Hungry man 21h ago
That would be a big old "go fuck yourself" from me. If he's not a good enough friend to put his foot down and tell his girlfriend that she doesnt get to pick his friends then he isnt someone worth having around. Even worse that he didnt even have the balls to tell you what he was doing and why. He's a failed friend, IMO.
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u/CronkinOn Shower Beer Scholar 19h ago
Disagree with everyone throwing out opinions/advice based off of what little you gave here.
IMO, going forward would depend on how he presented it, and whether I wanted to give him some extra space for what was probably something of an abusive relationship. Girls have to deal with this more than men (boyfriends/husbands removing friends from a woman's life as a method of control, isolation, general abuse/vindictiveness, etc) - all of this is usually done by pretty disturbed/hurt people end up causing a lot of pain to their partner as they become more isolated/depressed.
Basically, if he's contrite, and more importantly, if he's talking about how this isolating behavior was spread to other areas of his life, I'd let it go.
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u/threedogfm BoyDinnerEnjoyer 19h ago
If this is the first time it’s happened, you should forgive him and ask him to communicate better in the future. If he does it again, fuck ‘em.
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u/aestival Leftover Lore Master 22h ago
I really want to give advice but I'm distracted by how delicious those tacos look.
A bunch of good pieces of advice are already in here. My only other $.02 is whether your friend knows better now what it means to keep and enforce healthy boundaries, but my take is that if his next girl says the same he'll do the same thing.
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u/Gresliebear BoyDinnerEnjoyer 8h ago
I will offer an alternative perspective. I was in a abusive relationship where they would yell at me and control who I talked to. I managed to call my firends and try to manage my friendship during that relationship. And i will be honest i had to create distance between myself my ex because it turn into 5 hours of arguments. However, genuinely there was immense pressure to end my friendships. Just because your firend distance yourself doesnt mean he doesn't love as a firend any less. Hes just well ended up in a bad situation or didnt stand up for himself. its just a learning experience for your firend to learn that partners who control who are you allowed to have firends with is a red flag. And that his relationship outside of his partner matter too.
There's lot in life people dont teach you about relationships and in reality reddit comments are just like retrospective comments to reality.
I think as long as he realizes he fucked and doesnt do it again you can find forgiveness there
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u/demonofhersoul hot headed small person 22h ago
If he was still with his girlfriend, he wouldn't of even reached out. Disappear from his life, for good!
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u/Accomplished_Crew630 Bisexual Lemon Bar Lover 22h ago
Bruh... Girls make dudes do stupid shit... Sometimes it's right, sometimes it's wrong. Did he tell you why she thought you were a bad influence... You have a right to be upset he didn't tell you but do some introspection if her reasoning was sound... That's my two sense. I have some old friends I distanced myself from because they're bad influences, my wife never made me tho for some I wish she had... Tho at the time I probably would have been offended by it, she would have been right to do so.
That's all I'm saying, if it's that you guys played call of duty too much that's silly if it's that he was using hard drugs every time he saw you that's a different story.
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u/OddgitII Grill Pilled 20h ago
I'm going to go against the usual Reddit advice to completely dump him as a mate.
People make mistakes and a chance to redeem himself is warranted I think. I've been there, it's hard to realise your in a controlling relationship when you're in the middle of it and it sounds like he at least realised he fucked up. Yes, you absolutely have the right to be pissed off and you have to think about is this friend worth patching things up with or not. You don't have to put him back in "OMG besties!" territory but at least trying and letting him know that disappearing like that wasn't cool might be a start.
After that it's his mistake to learn from or repeat and you are not your brother's keeper.
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u/Mpls1984 Hungry man 20h ago
One of my best friends and I fell wayside like this. He got married and I know his wife didn't like me but we still would talk or text on occasion.
I came to the realization that I was always the one making an effort to contact him, not the other way around and it became frustrating and in turn just exhausting.
I made the determination back in Sept 2022, that I would wait for him to reach out to me. That was 4 years ago and no such effort was made, I haven't heard from him.
There are times that I miss him but I don't regret my decision.
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u/Puggie-Pops Shower Beer Scholar 20h ago
That’s pretty common, I lost my closest cousin to the same thing just cuz my brother and I were a little loud when we joined them at the local carnival, we were labeled “bad influences “ and they weren’t even a thing. Then for the next 15 years we were distant, never hung out and it was just uncomfortable being around them. Even now that she’s out of the picture it’s not the same hanging out.
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u/turbobreadlexicon Fridge Light Philosopher 13h ago
He traded you up without so much as a clue. He'd probably do it again.
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u/AlternativePea4819 Girl Lurker 22h ago
Those tacos look fire 🤤
Ghosting form of betrayal…at least to me. I was ghosted by a close friend a couple of years ago. I don’t think I could ever go back to being friends with her if she wanted to. That trust is broken. I would always be on edge that she would ghost me again
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u/spackle13 Shower Beer Scholar 22h ago
Over the course of my life , I have had solid friends for decades. Sometimes we barely talk a few times a year , sometimes it’s more frequent but my contact with them can ebb and flow somewhat naturally. See what he’s got to say for himself, perhaps he has a story to tell and is wiser for it.
When you are old and have married friends , everyone tries to all get along with each other’s partners. Sometimes it’s a bad fit because the partner sucks and hopefully those situations resolve themselves , like with your friend.
But you should also try to look inward and check yourself and how you were acting around his girlfriend. Were you paying attention to her and gauging her reaction. Or was she just an evil harpy ?
I say take a breath and see what he has to say. Partners can manipulate friends sometimes and it sucks when they can’t see it. Speak your truth and how it affected you and see how he reacts. Maybe he has learned something and will never do that again. Or maybe he’s wants you as a seat warming until he finds a better ass.
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u/bbudlite Gay Gourmet 22h ago
NOOOOOOO you do not DESERVE to be pushed to the side with no reason and then asked to be nice and bring them back into your life. THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT. if they dumped you over a girl, what else would they do!
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u/Khristafer Gay Gourmet 22h ago
He fumbled the friendship bag. Don't let her toxic behavior win. Charge it to being dumb and don't let it happen again.
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u/Dr-D-ildo Trans Fats Connoisseur 22h ago
Hell dude, wait till you find a match that you think could last forever and see exactly how you really act. As an adult me and my friends could go a year and still act like we chilled the day before. That's real dude code.
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u/VileInventor Hungry man 22h ago
It’s up to you man. Everyone’s human and he learned something from it.
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u/bprasse81 Hungry man 22h ago
Let the man who hasn’t been entranced by a woman cast the first stone. I’ve been there more than once. My friends threw a nice party when I finally dumped the last one. It was a long time ago and it was just five of us chilling, but it was a beautiful moment.
Forgiveness feels good and your boy is trying to apologize. It sounds like he’s making excuses which undermines a good apology, but most people stink at saying they’re sorry.
As I get older, and friends die, I’m glad I have the ones I do. Don’t lose one because he was hypnotized by a lady.
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u/fri9875 Protein Prophet 22h ago
I think age plays a bit of a factor here tbh.
If yall are in your teens/early 20’s, we’ve all done some stupid shit for pussy at that age, and are not necessarily smart enough to realize no matter what your bro will be there longer than the girl. Especially if this is like his first girlfriend, a lot of us been there for sure. Having a mature conversation like that can be hard, especially guy to guy
If yall are older than that, then that’s pretty fucked. Dropping someone you’ve been close with for a long ass time, because someone you’ve only met recently dislikes them, is a major red flag. You should be able to stand up for and defend that person
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u/RD_in_Berlin Fridge Light Philosopher 22h ago
silent quitting seems to be a new thing, at the end of the day no one can work on something if they don't know theres an issue. Communicate please people.
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u/Wesley11803 Gay Gourmet 22h ago
Well I say you give him another chance, but only if you feel like he genuinely apologizes after you explain why you’re upset. I’ve had this happen with a few friends unfortunately. Not because their gf’s don’t like me, but just consume all of their time.
They will disappear from a whole friend group and reappear like they were never gone after the breakup. Luckily, every time this happened my friend groups would confront them, and the behavior didn’t carry over to the next relationship. This is especially normal if you’re in your teens or younger 20s. A lot of times your friend might be in a toxic relationship, and just didn’t realize until it’s over.
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u/Global_Staff_3135 Grill Pilled 22h ago
If you guys are still young, I’d give your buddy a second chance.
We all make stupid decisions because of love at some point in our life. I’d leave the door open to forgiveness if he genuinely learned a lesson.
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u/PrincessBella1 Girl Lurker 22h ago
You just realized that your friend has no loyalty. If he were a true friend, he would have broken up with her the minute she didn't like you or at the very least, let you know what was going on. But to ghost you and then come back when it didn't work out shows how little he valued your friendship and will likely do it again if the same type of girl started dating him. You deserve better friends than that.
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u/Limo_Wreck77 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 22h ago
Nope.
Fuck this guy. You dont pull that kind of crap with friends.
You deserve better
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u/mycatsapanther23 Protein prophet 22h ago
Not saying they are in the right or wrong just gonna play devil's advocate. Sometimes people want to be what ther partner invasions them to be. You dont see that its toxic until you 8 months deep and have no friends.
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u/MrStandardError Shower beer Scholar 22h ago
Tacos look great. To the point though, this sounds churlish for him to cut things off, but I might not totally write the friendship off. For one, yeah you’re totally in the right to be pissed. I’m sure it felt like a betrayal. But for two, sometimes people get priorities mixed up and need to recalibrate. If they really mean that much to you, might be worth giving them grace and time. Ultimately that’s up to you though.
I’ll say a dude who’s always been like a brother to me has not always been the nicest or most available to me. Sometimes when I’d call to just talk, like we’d done for years, it seemed like I was a nuisance to him. He would react in ways that I found hurtful. It’s been a long time since any of that friction and now we’re close again and both in great marriages and our sons get to hang with one another, which is so awesome. The thought crossed my mind to throw my hands in the air about the friendship, but I’m glad I did not.
Anyways, sounds frustrating, but it might be worth hearing him out once you’ve had some time to process
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u/No-Purpose-0U812 Boy Dinner Enjoyer 22h ago
Best bud again!...until the next girlfriend who doesnt like you comes along.
Friends look out for each other. If it were me I'd maybe hang out once in a while if there's mutual interest at play, like a band you both like is in town or you both like darts or something, but this person doesnt sound reliable enough to invest friendship level energy. Or if I still got mad thinking about it I'd go back to not talking.
Trust your gut.
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u/umamimamii Lady Lurker 22h ago edited 21h ago
Getting ghosted is the worst. Curious- did he apologize to you and acknowledge that he could have handled the situation differently or did he just explain what went down?Did you get a chance to share how his actions impacted you yet or are you still waiting to do that? I feel like you might have more to say to him if you realized you’re still mad.
If it were me, I’d have a few more chats about it and then decide how I’d want to move forward based on the data I get from those interactions. I think there could be a chance for repair if you want it but it also might not be worth your time in the end. The question I’d ask is “is this worth my time and energy?”
Good luck OP
Edit: clarity
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u/Positive-Common-6094 Girl Lurker 21h ago
One of my best girlfriends did this to me when she married her 2nd husband. He was a POS, and we reconnected after she realized that. I chose not to hold it against her and our friendship. She still makes poor decisions as far as relationships with men are concerned. At this point, I choose friendship and will always pick up the pieces when the dudes prove they’re crap. Cuz I get to live through her poor decisions and whatevs.
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u/Armadillo_Resident Leftover lore master 21h ago
If he makes a real effort, and doesn’t expect you to, it’s a little different. I had a really similar thing happen, they ended up getting married. I let it go after a while then I saw him and he acted like he didn’t know me. I can’t lie I always wished the dude would reach out because frankly she was wrong.
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u/c0dem1stake Gay Gourmet 21h ago
My friend once did this in college. He didn’t reach out to me, we just awkwardly met each other again at starbucks. Sure, I was really pissed at him while casually talking. But after a few days he addressed the elephant in the room. He apologized and made amends with me — said he was going through something really tough at that time and promised to never leave my side again. We’re friends for more than 10 years now, stronger than ever. Just sayin this because some friends deserve a second chance.
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u/shin_malphur13 Shower Beer Scholar 21h ago
Can you share w us what her definition of "bad influence" was?
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u/Religion_Failed_Us BoyDinnerEnjoyer 21h ago
This exact thing is happening to me right now with my best friend of 14 years. Except his gf has no issue with me. He’s just ghosting me out of nowhere.
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u/fanime34 Hungry man 21h ago
I will never know what it's like to be in a situation where I'm in an abusive or manipulative relationship because I've never, and will never, date. But looking at it on the outside, it's easier to tell where the problems are.
I've never seen a valid reason why a partner has told another partner who they're not allowed to see or speak to. Some get manipulated into believing it's boundaries, but it's really a personal feeling. It's possessiveness. You can't forbid a person you aren't the guardian of lor parent of to do anything. It's not respect. I wish more people could know this so they can either be the ones to leave or be the ones to not create a space like that for a partner to believe shutting yourself away from people means you love someone.
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u/kamakazi339 Sentient Scholar 21h ago
My best friend went radio silent and moved without saying word one to me many years ago. He was literally gone to the point I was checking obituaries. Then about 3-4 years later he just turned back up.
I think it comes down to if you value the friendship or not.
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u/ThisCredit6354 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 21h ago
He will do it again if another insecure woman tells him to.
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u/jugo5 Shower Beer Scholar 21h ago
Honestly it was a good time for him to learn a life lesson. Significant others that drag friends away from friends, suck. You can't let your partner take you away from the people you care about. Unless of course you are convincing your friend to bang fent on weeklong benders or committing felony robberies. Did he learn the lesson? Maybe, maybe not?
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u/Abhorrent_Moth Peanut Sauce Aficionado 21h ago
If he’s your friend this shouldn’t matter at all. I have a very close friend and we barely talk due to family obligations and work. We’ve gone months without catching up. I wouldn’t lose a friend over something like this.
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u/diasporicnumenorean Leftover Lore Master 21h ago
If I were OP, I would also want to ask this friend why he doubted his own judge of character, or let himself doubt that he knew his own mind when it came to whether OP was a good person. Unless y’all had some fight or falling out in the past, it’s kinda crazy to let yourself be convinced that a close buddy is not a good person. It’s especially crazy if this friend has known OP for longer than he’s known this girl (now ex gf).
If I were to accept his offer to talk, I’d want to know more about that if I were to determine what the hell happened, why he didn’t have the decency to even reach out to give me a heads up that the then-gf had doubts (and defend me), and or whatever else was going on. Something I value in friends is having decency to stick me up in the same way I would stick up for them, which is the first line of protection in situations where a new partner tries to isolate you from your friends (especially when you know and have seen for yourself that your friends are good people). If someone convinced you that easily that I was a bad person, what’s to stop that from happening again?
It depends on how important this friendship was to you, I guess, and whether he has some of reasonable explanation for why he was able to treat you like he thought you were a bad person. Otherwise, idk. I’d probably focus my time on the buddies who wouldn’t haven’t questioned me in the first place. Unfortunately, there a few guys who always have to learn the tough way that you can’t completely think with only your small head.
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u/Basic-Humor-6691 Hungry man 21h ago
Everyone makes mistakes man, you’re entitled to your feelings of course but if I may pull a cornball move and pull a quote from a TV show for a second. “I hope that either all of us or none of us are judged not by the actions of our weakest moments, but by the strength we show when, and if, we’re given a second chance.”
People do crazy things for relationships, be honest about how you’re feeling and go from there.
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u/DragonScrivner Girl lurker 21h ago
If you go back to hanging with him, make sure he knows that he needs to do a lot to be a not sucky friend
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u/FroyoPuzzleheaded97 [Create your own boy] 21h ago
Well most guys will choose their gf over their friends. Although He should of kept in contact through texts even if you guys didn't hang out so you wouldn't feel ghosted.
Btw those tacos look delicious. I hope they're spicey
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u/CorrectHippo5877 Shower Beer Scholar 20h ago
Definitely messed up for him not be up front with you about it. Not that this makes what he did any better, but are you by any means, a bad influence?
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u/NewtAlert4507 Cooties 20h ago
You can be pissed at him and still have a friendship. The best friendships are often the ones where you can be really honest. Be upfront with how you feel with him and tell him how you feel about how he wasn't upfront with you.
Realistically only you know what your friendship was like before the girl friend and only time will tell whether he learned anything from this. If you think he is worth the effort, give him some of your time to see where you stand.
You don't have to make the decision at this precise moment and even later on you can change your mind. Some relationships can recover from a blip and others can't.
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u/allquckedup Air Fryer Aristocrat 20h ago
You have to decide to forgive and never forget or just dump the friend.
I recommend you take some time to think about it before you ghost him because you should.
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u/PressureCoomer Shower Beer Scholar 20h ago
People make mistakes, but only you can make this decision. If things like this rarely happen and you two are good friends, I'd give him another chance.
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u/womb_raider90 Grill pilled 19h ago
Let it go my dude, some men are just weak and let their women run their lives. Dude came back to make it right at least. Now if he does it again that'd be another story. You have every right to be pissed off. But let it go and take the homie back in man. I'm sure he feels just as fucked up about it and ashamed.
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u/IllustriousDemand691 Shower Beer Scholar 19h ago
I went through what your buddy did. I had an ex seperate me from friends. It's weird to describe, it was a gradual process of manipulation. It started with small things like little complaints about my friends, or remarks she allegedly over heard, or how she thinks my friends wife hates her. But every time we'd visit. She pushed a wedge between us. Then it turned into her not wanting to see them when I did. Them complaining about how I was after seeing my friends. It happened over a couple years but next thing I knew it I was going long stretches without seeing my friends. Looking back on it now I feel crazy, and I'm glad I'm long since removed from that relationship, but I have a few fences to mend because of it. But don't underestimate how much 1 person can fuck up another. If your bro reached out, give him a chance.
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u/PuppytimeUSA Boy, 40-49 19h ago
Keep in mind that he was experiencing a form of abuse. We’re not always at our best in those circumstances. Be pissed but give both of you some grace.
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u/Frankie_Sriracha Shower Beer Scholar 18h ago
If your bro learns then he’s still your bro. If he lets his next woman become his personality like Brad pitt’s style, then he’s for the streets
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u/DeadDinoSludge nb straddler of two reddit spheres 18h ago
Had several girlfriends disappear this way. I understand feeling pissed, because I would never give up my friends just because a partner didn’t like them. It sucks to be treated as disposable.
It’s usually an abusive partner who is isolating them. Might not be in your case. But something to think about. Maybe worth communicating how it made you feel and how you have qualms about resuming a friendship.
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u/Asblackjack old dude 18h ago
Everyone makes mistakes. And now you can roast him pretty good. Win-win
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u/DeltaDied Gay Gourmet 18h ago
Nah. He needs to apologize and do something to win you back as a friend. That’s so lame. Idc, if it were me, I don’t trust you anymore to be my friend if you could just bail like that without any word.
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u/ThelIIusion0fSeIf Shower Beer Scholar 18h ago
Look, it's up to you but I would give them a chance. I've had friends drift in and out of my life in the same way (but not for that particular reason) but it's always good to reconnect.
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u/VariationAgreeable29 Gay Gourmet 17h ago
Guy friends should have the steel to speak up and speak the truth, no matter how uncomfortable. He pussed out. Maybe you start by calling him out for not talking to you man to man in the first place. That’s what would piss me off first and foremost.
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u/achillespatient Hungry man 17h ago
Have some self respect and leave this relationship in the past. Any friend that would kick you to the curb for some girl isn’t a real friend
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u/Aggressive-Key-5533 Fridge Light Philosopher 17h ago
What happens when the next gf decides you shouldn’t be in his life.
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u/Otherwise-Ask993 Grill pilled 17h ago
He made you feel disposable until it was convenient. I’d be open about it and give him a heads up that if he disregards your value as, not only a friend, but at the very least a person who deserves a respectful conversation (not ghosting you like a bad first date), you’ll be done with him as easily as he was done with you.
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u/staniel_mortgage Shower Beer Scholar 16h ago
How long have you been friends? If it's an important talk it out abit. It's fair to say that's a shitty thing to do but friends do come in and out of life in waves, but are always there.
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u/mobiletarget33 Fridge Light Philosopher 15h ago
He broke bro code. He’s gotta prove he’s invested in his relationship with you now, bro
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u/Fearless-Location325 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 14h ago
People don’t abandon the people they love, they abandon the people they’re using.
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u/BroccoliTraining454 Shower Beer Scholar 14h ago
Why don't you tell him how you feel?
But at the same time, people youve known for a long timw and have shared exp with are rare. If you want to be friends again, id go with that (assuming you told him you thought thatbwas shitty behaviour).
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u/noob-combo Fridge Light Philosopher 12h ago
You're justified in feeling the way you do OP.
That being said, life is short, and good friends are harder and harder to hold on to as you get older.
Personally I'd advise forgiveness if you can find it in yourself.
Them coming back to you and admitting their fault is already more than many / most people would do.
Ultimately, you do you, just some words from an older pal.
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u/Weird-Reflection-114 Girl Lurker 10h ago
Give your friend a second chance. Here him out and talk about your feelings.
Also... what exactly was the ex telling him about being a "bad" influence. Like was it some bullshit or something you might need to do some self-reflecting on (like do you play too much videogames or are you an alcoholic cuz I actually asked my partner to distance himself from his drug-addict cousin mostly because he kept giving him money despite being in debt at the time)
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u/Remarkable-Point-165 BoyDinnerEnjoyer 9h ago
The world is a big place. You’ll find a friend(s) that doesn’t bounce/not communicate just bc a lady asks. Sorry this happened!
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u/DotasWorstPlayer Fridge Light Philosopher 8h ago
Maybe he doesnt deserve it, but bringing him back into your life just proves what a ride or die friend you are.
If it were me, I'd make it clear that in future if the same happens it needs to he handled maturely. I wouldnt accept being a fair weather friend again.
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u/dont_remember_eatin Church of Satan Elder 6h ago
It's okay to be pissed, but leave room for forgiveness.
Hopefully bro learned a lesson about letting people into your lives who try to force everyone else out.
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u/Glittering-Ad-1367 [Ancient] 5h ago
I'll be fine if my friends drift away or have life switches that take them away. I'll be there when they come back.
I won't tolerate a betrayal, but having a phase of your life where other things take your time and effort I understand finally.
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u/Consistent_Pop_6564 Girl Lurker 5h ago
Idk I feel more inclined to forgive a friend like this for my own peace, it not worth holding onto forever. I would just mentally downgrade them a bit until they earn my trust again. but tbh we all make mistakes
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u/MollyRocket Girl lurker 4h ago
If one of my girlfriends was isolated for months and came back to me, I would welcome her back as a supportive friend. Sometimes we get swept up in relationships and don't see how detrimental they are to our lives for a long time. He got out of it and you should be proud of him for that. It's okay if you want to hold him at arms length for awhile, but it's something to keep in mind the next time he gets into a relationship.
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u/The-Rookie-1911 Microwave Master 3h ago
Very similar thing happened to me and my best bud. I wasn't there for him when he needed me so he closer himself off from me.
Eventually we made up but we could've saved a lot of stress on our friend group if we just talked it out right away. So be honest with the guy. You can forgive someone but still let them know you're upset about whatever went down.
Just know what you're willing to lose. If you aren't willing to lose this friend then forgive them, but let them know how you feel about it.
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u/ChaosRainbow23 Air Fryer Aristocrat 3h ago
This is super common.
It's your choice if you wanna continue the friendship.
I've always chosen to continue the friendship.
Your best friend was manipulated and happy as a pig in shit getting laid all the time and in 'LOVE' with her.
Is fucked up, but a little forgiveness and understanding goes a long way.
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u/GartFoblin Identity Alchemist 2h ago
Start doing it now (getting used to being out of touch with friends). It will come more aggressively with age. And if they're good enough friends- the time apart shouldn't matter. Yesterday I hung with my best friend the first time since January. He has 5 kids and 2 ex-wives. This is what happens when you grow up.
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u/707Redwoods Hungry man 2h ago
You can be friends, just know he’s not your “Best Friend” , or just tell him “Fk you , I don’t associate with Simps”
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u/Significant-Ad-341 Fridge Light Philosopher 2h ago
Bro chose hoes before bros. There's a reason you don't do that.
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u/strangelifedad Shower beer Scholar 2h ago
OP, you should do two things. One, the serious one, tell him that you are hurt and why.
Secondly and that's the reconciling part: tell him for the next two months beer is on him.
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u/ProudMongooseOrSumn Fridge Light Philosopher 22h ago
Youre a dude. ALL men ghost at least once in their life due to a relationship. If he regrets it and has learned a lesson let him back in. If he does it again thats when it becomes a real problem
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u/Retrac752 Air Fryer Aristocrat 22h ago
Idk, I’m on the opposite side, I will regularly go months/years without speaking to friends for a number of reasons, but we can literally always pick right back up where we were
Especially once you get older and have a wife and kids, this is the norm.
I’m 30, I’ve got 2 kids and gone through 2 messy divorces, no one in my friend group has kids or has been married, but they get it, it’s nothing personal
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u/A_Tom_McWedgie Shower Beer Scholar 21h ago
You can remain bitter, or forgive your friend and have your best bud back.
Seems like a pretty simple choice.
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u/Frequent_Opportunist Shower beer Scholar 15h ago
I have disappeared and had people disappear for years, even more than a couple decades, and when we bumped back into each other or I saw them or heard about them we said hi like nothing ever happened.
Guy friends come and go as their females make them act funny, but in the end man enjoy the time you get with people... it might be the last time you ever see them or them you.
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