r/CPTSD_NSCommunity • u/Additional-Cat-3317 • 4d ago
Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation How to escape utter isolation?
TW: mention of suicide
I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks/months. I had a terrible trauma anniversary period in which I also lost my job and was also almost physically assaulted. After that I got really sick for a few weeks to the point that eating and drinking water was almost impossible. I have done over two years of therapy and a lot of self-therapy on my trauma so I did have a relatively good toolkit to get myself through all this. BUT I was completely alone and isolated. My sister and a friend knew how badly I was doing, and how close to taking my own life I was, and yet they asked me, literally if I was alive or not, once every week or so. I mean I am grateful for this, but it's also insane. This was the highest level of empathy either of them could muster. I have always been lonely but only recently and after a lot of trauma work have I discovered exactly how lonely I have been without realizing it. It's a lot of delayed grief I am going through. And I hate my loneliness. I hate that I could barely breathe for a few weeks and yet I had to drag myself to the supermarket and the pharmacy to survive. I hate that there is no one to share my grief with. I hate that I am just now realizing how abandoned and lonely I have always been and it was so completely normalized to me that I have only realized it now. I mean, I attempted suicide a few years ago around this time (hence, the trauma anniversary now) and not only the person who found me (my mom!!) never took me to the hospital, but she also never asked if I was doing better or seeing a therapist or anything later on. She genuinely completely forgot about the whole thing just a few days later. And I told only one person, my only friend at the time, who ALSO completely ignored it. And after I got better, I just went on with my life like nothing had happened. This level of abandonment was so normal to me at the time that I did not even question it. I am just speechless now thinking about it all.
I am looking for therapists who specialize in relational trauma but to be honest, I feel sort of hopeless. Will I ever find real friends? Will I ever have someone to just talk to? I know that if it does ever happen, it will happen slowly. And I probably need to take baby-steps. But I am craving human connection so much and I feel so starved of anything remotely warm. How do I feel more of a hope? How do I start getting out of this? How do I meet people when I feel so depressed? I just can't deal with this isolation pain anymore.
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u/Patient-Milk821 2d ago
I feel like you, pretty isolated and I have felt this more since starting therapy or maybe having therapy has helped me recognise my needs more? Any way if you want a chat or a call give me a message, we don’t need to be lonely, (I am 40 and female)
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u/yrt9610 4d ago
Would going to a church be something you'd like to look into? I FINALLY got one capable of doing community...but its #5 I checked out (for several months each time 🙄😖😥) So you may have to check out more than one, too.
Another thing that gave me community was going to the Recovery Cafe in my city. It's a national network of a places to heal addiction and trauma! Each one has a weekly support group facilitated by either a licensed counselor or someone with a lot of experience. And they always have a free hot meal. And volunteer opportunities. And its not religiously-affiliated at all. They also had lots of social events.
Hopefully, there's one in your area.
Another thing that helped me was going to 12-Step meetings---even to ones not in the area of my trauma.
For a long time, I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. Now it's called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. And all of ys here definitely qualify for the latter, as we know.
You can look up 12-Step meetings online. In my city, there are many places that have meetings, and not all of them are in churches.
I went to meetings of AA, Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Aonymous, and Heroin Aonymous, just to get community. And I got it there! Plus, they had social events where we got together at times outside of meetings. And they had opportunities for volunteer work...and more.
At the center closest to me, there are 62 meetings a week (all kinds). And one of my favorite parts was that they had an open area with tables and chairs where you could just come and talk to people or read or do crafts, or be on your phone or whatever you want. I used that many times when I was way too lonely.
I'm gonna stop right now and pray you get all you need---asap!!! 🥰💟🙏🏼
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u/Additional-Cat-3317 1d ago
Thank you so much for all the suggestions. I found several of what you mentioned in my city. The adult children sounds promising because right now, as my wounds are still raw and very much aching, being among 'normal' people who have no idea of the kind of life i have led is not easy.
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u/Illustrious_Pop2253 4d ago
I have no idea how old you are, which is relevant to the solution to a lot of your worries.
Take everything I write with a grain of salt because I do not know you and can only speak for myself. Also, I will be giving unconventional advice, because I am sure more people will tell you what to do regarding therapy and stuff.
I think it sounds like you really hate people, which is understandable and natural, and something I totally support. I don't believe in the power of positive psychology when it comes to C-PTSD, in fact I believe grieving the way you thought the world was, is the only way out of it. And it comes with being honest about things you think are 'wrong', 'shameful' or 'dangerous'. Which, for example, is how objectively crappy and neglectful your support system is/have been. You don't have to be, think, feel or like anything in particular, you especially don't have to be 'good'.
My advice to you would first of all be not to force yourself to befriend anyone, or to try to like people, or to be happy. Instead, I'd create a strategical plan for many times a week you can force yourself outside to interact with people; in any way. Could be a hiking group, a knitting club, whatever. Just make sure it is structured so you don't have to think about arranging it. Make a point to go there every time. If you are so depressed you can barely brush your hair, make sure to pick a day where you don't have to do anything else but literally just this social event. Dedicate yourself to Just Going.
Don't worry about the crowd demographic (such as age or if you are particularly into the hobby) unless they seem like the kind that would be re-traumatizing to you. You don't have to like or befriend them, you just have to be there.
My second advice is to create a plan to rewire your brain by the things you consume. Since you are so isolated, you likely do a lot of stuff to entertain yourself.
I don't know what you like to do (such as games, movies, social media, etc.) but try to find alternate ways to consume them, and try to consume stuff you don't normally do. Like, just create new accounts for everything (safe for the ones you use to stay in contact with people) and make a rule not to follow, like or watch the stuff you normally do. Don't hear the same music, don't play the same games, don't watch the same series. Replace them with something else, even if it is just different types of games, etc.
After this, you can intuitively begin to find out what makes you happy, instead of what makes you numb enough to bear it. You can always return to the old patterns at some other time.
I know how weird and FOMO-inducing this sounds. But for some reason, this helps to find new, creative ways of dealing with stuff, that you had not thought about - it is like a reset of sorts when nothing else works. Think electroshock therapy without amnesia, monetary expenses and trauma.