So today, after two decades the thought came into my mind, the thought that I want to live.

Notice how I say thought, not feeling.

We often discuss how the opposite is always there for us . So I wanted to share that it seems that I am truly healing. My brain is changing indeed.

Keep up the good work everyone, we are getting there.

I've made progress with fawning when it comes to unmasking, not doing it while I'm interacting with people, standing up for myself in small ways, saying no without explaining myself. I've been accessing a lot more of my anger, which has been helping so much.

But an area I'm trying to grow in now is protecting myself, standing up for myself when I'm being mistreated, and getting myself out of those situations. I can do that in small ways with people who aren't abusive. When there are actually toxic and abusive people involved, and usually these are people who remind me of former abusers, I go back to fawning and freezing.

Currently there are two areas in my life where that is happening, and I know I really need to start saving myself instead of letting it happen. Not fawning and freezing and instead trying to fight and ...flee? is already a huge challenge. But I think I'm getting there.

And it's also a matter of feeling ganged up on – in both situations it's not just one person, there are a lot of people either taking their side or not taking a side(which feels like enabling and taking a side to me). It's a perfect recreation of what happened to me in childhood and later on in life as well. No one is standing up for me in situations where I'm clearly being treated unfairly, to put it mildly. I'm also isolated, so that theme of having no one on my side has continued in so many ways.

I feel so much resentment about having to protect myself. Because growing up and really my whole life, no one did that for me. I continued that pattern with other people, and for the longest time it was so familiar and normal I didn't notice it.

Having no one on my side, having the people who were supposed to love me gang up on me, having them pick the side of (other) abusers, watching them witness abuse while staying silent... There is so much anger and resentment there, and it comes up when I try to stand up for myself. It gets in the way, it becomes so loud that I freeze again. And I don't know how to work through it.

There's clearly resentment about the past but also the present. There's also resentment towards a lot of therapists who told me I hadn't been abused, I wasn't being abused, I wasn't being medically gaslit, and instead they stuck the label BPD on me and said I was the problem, over and over.

Feeling that resentment makes me feel like a victim. It makes me feel helpless, hopeless. It scares me. I don't want to go back to that, I want to feel empowered, I want to be here. But I now wonder if avoiding these feelings is what's keeping me stuck. I just don't know how to process this, I guess.

Even writing this down makes me feel awful. I also feel like I'm whining. I've been told to get over it so often that I think I now say things like that to myself, about this. I try to make sense of never having anyone on my side by justifying it. And maybe I once again just can't face that I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

And all of it starts with my parents. My mother often used me as a human shield when my father was drunk and aggressive, for example, and I don't remember a time before that. She threw me to the wolves constantly. I feel that's important to mention to give an idea of just how much I wasn't protected, and how I was expected to do the protecting and parenting. I also became the scapegoat of the family.

It's really hard to let myself feel this by myself. I've been so gaslit and invalidated. So feeling all of this brings up more of that feeling of having no one on my side. I have this fear that it'll be a never-ending cycle. After never getting the support and protection I needed, I'm now trying to process that and overcome it with no support and protection. Is that even possible?

But I also know by now that wanting someone to save me is giving someone else too much power, and someone always takes advantage of that, it always backfires.

...I don't know where to go from here.

I know the answer often is to sit with it, feel it, move through it. This time I feel like I don't know how.

I've been using IFS to access parts and feelings that I've ignored/suppressed/repressed. That's been insanely helpful. But when I try to do that when it comes to this, I feel more clueless than ever. Maybe it's the intensity of the feeling that confuses me. I don't know what part is talking, what part is protecting, how I can reparent myself when it comes to this.

Então estou nesse estado a anos começou quando eu tinha 12 anos e tinha me mudado deixando meus melhores amigos que eu conhecia desde os 5 anos e fui morar num lugar totalmente diferente e consideravelmente pior que o outro quando cheguei ocorriam MUITAS brigas na casa e em poucos meses uma pessoa muito importante pra mim que morava no lugar que eu tinha acabado de sair adoeceu gravemente e minha família queria ir lá dar um adeus só que meu pai não deixou mas eu acreditava de verdade que ia ficar tudo bem que eu ia conseguir voltar pro lugar onde morava ver todas as pessoas que eu amava de novo e que ela não iria morrer mas ela acabou falecendo no mesmo mês meu melhor amigo parou de falar comigo e como estava MUITO triste por tudo que estava acontecendo ganhei um gatinho e fiquei muito apegado mas em menos de um mês minha mãe se livrou dele e nunca pediu desculpas aí acho que foi isso que causou deve ter acontecido mais coisa só que eu não lembro e eu queria saber como eu paro isso e se foi realmente essas coisas que causaram isso porque falando assim parece algo bem banal mas eu fiquei bem afetado na época

I personally tried many modalities, and changed a lot of therapists over past 9/10 years. Some attempts were more helpful, but most of them i experienced as completely invalidating, shaming and in some cases straightforward retraumatising. In general i view therapy as very problematic field for someone with deep trauma and potentialy, in many cases, harmful. In my experience whenever real grief, anger, or pain or context shows up most of therapists (including those working in trauma-informed modalities) just completely freeze, get defensive and ether label you as difficult (in my case delusional and etc) or instantly starts fixing you with so called "skills" and pressure you to hide your true feelings. I see it as their discomfort being prioritised. And it most of times left me with more shame, more guilt, more self doubt and more pain. As well therapists often related to me in patronising way - from expert position, almost teacher student or competent, all knowing figure and vulnerable, stupid, disregulated problematic idiot dynamics were formed most of times. I am not saying it happened all the time, but i sort of see this as a pattern in therapy that i refuse to blame myself for. I see that this is therapy field issue where books, cathegories and therapist's comfort is the main priority and where the whole vulnerability, responsibilities, investement and financial burden is on the individuals shoulders.

I feel that treatment for someone like me is very simple - therapist needs to be trustworthy figure all the time so i can restore relational trust in relationship with him (never happens, and i have been blamed/shamed multiple times for bringing up difficulty trusting a therapist), he needs to be safe (non shaming, listening, engaging, deeply valdiating trauma experiences and turing whole treatment around those with consideration of it.) and also deshaming - that means that they actively have to work completely oposite than system or maisntream pop therapy, they need to validate and help person defend their reality (unless person really is in danger to himself or others) they need to helo to see how nortmal it is to expereince this with everything we experienced in life , and even if there is a "disorder" they need to treat it with the deepest compassion rather then sitgma, patronisation or whatever, because this is extreme suffering. These three things, from my perspective, are what therapist actually must do no matter what modality they have. And they have to do it honestly, not as a machine. These things happened to me in different settings in life. I just understood that these three things are the ones that actually heals me. But never ever happened long enough. I am not saying this are fundamental rules for everyone, but i think lack of focus on these, for me personaly, were the reasons for therapeutic failures. Most of. therapists just focused on the modality, skill or whatever, completely bypassing these aspects that are fundamental to maintain safety and stability in the room.

But i still believe that therapy can help, and i had some really good and healing short term experiences in therapy (sadly it was not sustainable long enough to really rebuild) as well in some alternative healing (spirituality and etc). As well as i have spoke with other survivors, including those who became therapists latter feeling as angry and disgusted by the systemic issues as i am. Some of them are now activists and speaking loudly and openly with about this issue. So i wanted to ask about your experiences. Do you have similar view about this, or maybe you would see it the oposite way ? That expecting sustainable trust, safety, validation and patience is too much to ask from a therapist and we should just be students? Or maybe in general you path in therapy was smooth and easy ?

I genuenly just try to understand this, because self doubt often crushes me and i wonder if maybe i am the one who is in the wrong and maybe there is some more nuance in it. So i am interested in other survivors experiences. Thanks for your answers in advance!

Being around people is extremely triggering in of itself. Let alone talking. I’m very used to dissociating away the parts that need the benefits of socialization the most. I manage things closely. Today we just let things be. It was very disorienting as flashbacks kept happening. Let those be visible too. I can’t speak to them yet, but I notice our friends making such an effort to help us connect with others while being extremely mindful about making us feel comfortable. I still don’t fully understand why. I’ve pushed everyone away because we didn’t have enough security at the time. We aren’t particularly close either. I sobbed when I got home. I messed up a lot this year, but I’m alive. I taught myself that I can mess up this badly and still be allowed to live. Cheers to that.

I acknowledge that my brain wants me to drown in shame at all of this, and I also acknowledge simultaneously I want to also say “well I also feel like I walk on eggshells with her too!” But neither of these are productive. What I’d like to do is find solutions individually, and together. I love my partner immensely and we are really patient with each other, even when we fall from grace. She has her own complex trauma and at the very least as we heal and grow together, I wish to know how to improve. I am in therapy 1-2x a week, but sometimes I’m “blind” to my own brain I’m not entirely self aware, and if I am… then I am feeling too much shame and feeling criticized so I just turtle into myself.
TLDR; How do I be “less sensitive” without criticizing myself necessarily. Being sensitive isn’t an issue in and of itself, but I seem to struggle with the balance of sensitivity. How do I stop giving emotions “so much weight” especially when the “negative emotions” feel as big as a small one ..? How do I know when to bring up feelings and when not to? Otherwise I feel like I hold them in until I am in pain or explode somehow..?

I want to preface I’m not like, intentionally intimidating my partner, im not like screaming at them and all but I do acknowledge my own emotional dysregulation caused some anxiety and we BOTH are trying to build repair with each other..
So some feedback I’ve received from my partner a couple times is she feels “too scared to say the wrong thing” or talk abt her feelings with me sometimes (and ironically I’ve felt this way with her on and off, but I’m working on what I can do myself and how we can not feel this way w each other) because I can be really sensitive (no judgement, I just am) so sometimes I will shut down, or if I’m feeling criticized I can be defensive at times. Even if she isn’t criticizing me — or intending to, it can feel that way and I will try to communicate it, but I notice a pattern even in my last dating experience, I don’t know when is the right time, how often to bring up things that bother me. But I realize the ratio of it seems too high cuz my partner is anxious about it, fearing she will say the wrong thing because it’ll hurt my feelings. She has gently expressed that I treat emotions all with the same weight (I’ve admitted this before too, it will all feel like the same pot of soup…) and that all feelings are valid but not all of them need to be brought up, and it’s good for me to workshop with my therapists first. That I can bring my feelings up as “I’m feeling this way” and that’s it rather than “I’m feeling this way, here’s why, here’s what I need next time”. I struggle a lot with the latter because i don’t always know what I need — I’ll say, “I need to feel heard” and she says it’s too vague. She says we can spend an hour talking about a feeling I have in circles until I feel “satisfied with the answer” an hour later and it can feel tiring. We had a convo abt this recently a couple times, but gently.
I have been pondering because I told her months ago I think I may have ocd but bcuz the symptoms overlap with CPTSD, on top of me not always having explicit compulsions that are “stereotypical” i don’t think my therapist’s see it, (the first is more trauma / cPTSD informed, not as adhd/ASD informed) my second therapist (not as trauma informed, more adhd/ASD informed) doesn’t but offered to assess me for OCD, because it’s bothering me enough for months I’d like to. It’s just interesting my therapists don’t, but my partner’s therapist can see the traits based off what she is sharing…

I have to wait months for a neuropsych eval which I asked for cus my adhd symptoms (diagnosed) have felt like they are ruining my life — on top of the cPTSD, the brain fog, mood swings / emotions dysregulation, fatigue.. overall cognitive decline feeling has really made it difficult to manage relationships and life. It’s mostly a memory test and to find out how my brain is managing the adhd as n adult I guess.

I’d really appreciate how I can repair and work on these things without getting swept up in guilt, shame, and freezing because I don’t have the “right words”.

I didn't really date in my 20's due to a fearful avoidant attachment style. I started doing parts/reparenting work in my early 30's and now in my mid-30's I have experienced a few short-term relationships (3-6 months).

Something I've really struggled with is experiencing whiplash with what I think my needs/wants are. As an example, I am a very social person and love to banter. I dated someone for ~6 months who did not really fit those descriptions and I continually felt like I was not getting my needs met. When I went to move on from that relationship, I sought out someone who was very social and loved to chat about random topics with me. But then once I found someone with those qualities I almost immediately began to feel somewhat overwhelmed by the very things I thought I desired. Rinse, wash, repeat.

I'm wondering if I might need to just keep working at all of this - regulating my nervous system, working on my attachment issues, practicing vulnerability with people I'm dating, etc. Does anyone have suggestions beyond that?

Hi everyone! Recently I’ve been very depressed/low mood and low energy, but one way I’ve helped myself look forward to a new day is thinking of small joys or pleasures. Right now it’s my morning coffee (or whenever I wake up), and playing pokemon games (especially ZA). Finding these things helps me kinda ground myself emotionally.

Does anyone have any small (or large) pleasures of everyday life that they’ve recently discovered? I think it’s important to remember as we are on this journey because it’s hard stuff! Happy healing everyone ❤️‍🩹

It seems to me a sort of fundamental precondition of life that you can do things, no one can do things for you, do the living bit for you. But like what do you do when you can't bring yourself to do anything, have overwhelming avoidance/aversion to everything.

I've spent the better part of 5 years in the same situation, telling myself to do things differently, or to do things at all, and I've done nothing, been trying to do the same basic things, applications etc. for the last year's.

Any advice?

Okay, I won't get into what happened. I'd be going on for ages, otherwise. If anyone is curious about it, I can tell them in the comments.

A few years ago, I had a very traumatic experience that lasted the guts of a year. What complicates it more is that I also kind of took in other people's experiences, and feel upset and angry on behalf of other people it impacted, I know a lot of people who went through it and see various versions of it, anything from horror stories to people who had positive experiences or romanticized it.

If you name a therapy, I've done it. I've done various medications, the stellate ganglion block, tried "life hacks" like chewing gum, humming, sleeping better, but basically, I have very bad intrusive memories from that period and of stuff I saw online from other people's experiences. I'll be getting, like, 15 or 20 an hour and EMDR made it worse, TMS did nothing, I hate how a lot of therapy has kind of assumed that my experience made me expect something and how proving the expectation wrong (i.e., "This made me weak") is what will fix it. The truth is that it's much more mundane, and I simply hate how these memories keep popping up. All the fucking time.

It doesn't even always have triggers. It simply appears. I'll be getting up, going to bed, going about my business, it is ALWAYS fucking here. I try ignoring it, not checking it, not following up the thoughts, nothing. Thought interruption doesn't work.

A few years in, I'm incredibly frustrated. It's been going on far too long and I've just about had it. I had plans but can't even enjoy them without these memories ruining them, I simply need the thoughts to fucking stop.

Anyone know like, some miracle cure ideas that worked for them?

I understand this is a common hurdle for those of us in recovery: one's system finally saying "no more!" to the lifelong masking, and now having to figure out how to interact with the world in order to survive.

I have a specific challenge tho, which is that after I burnt out spectacularly and got "laid off", I now find myself in need of getting back into the workforce, start applying in earnest etc... but feeling like I. Just. Cannot.

I'm frankly getting tired of the running around in circles in my head: is it that I simply don't want to? Or that my system won't let me? Is it this, or is it that, or what? Argh.

And I'm feeling like fixating on the "why" isn't very helpful. I have this obsessive idea that once I figure exactly the reason for my collapsed state, I'll be able to fix it. But since time and time again I've shown myself that, contrary to what I may think, I don't always (read: rarely if ever) find the actual truth-truth in these "investigations", I'm looking to focus my energy away from the self inquiry and into actual positive action.

I mean... Idk. I think that might be a better use of my scant energy, because I've spent months in this limbo and it doesn't seem its getting me anywhere. True, there are still major stressors hitting my family due to the mental illness of some members resulting in some pretty intense stuff (with police and courts involved), which I'm sure don't help my progress, but still I need to find a way forward.

Anyway, enough about me. The ask is:

If you can relate, and were able to find a way to interact with the working world that was acceptable both to you and to them, please share? Books/video recommendations etc will be welcome too.

Thanks for reading 🙏🏼

I’ve always had my guard up because of trauma but looking back on the past is really scaring me in how I’ve handled all my past relationships romantic or platonic.

I’ve cut a lot of people off or just blew them off from the start out of fear of being hurt, rejected, or I just literally couldn’t recognize that they wanted to talk to me or be friends with me.

It hurts because I’m looking back at what could’ve been.

I always knew that I’ve had a hard time socially and have been strict with cutting people off but what I’m seeing now is quite heartbreaking. I thought that I was doing better and learned more on how to build and foster relationships. But now what I’m looking at doesn’t look like that all.

I am just panicking not only about what could’ve been but also any future relationships. How do I fix this about myself??

What was your experience like?

feeling a bit spicy this morning (too much pre-workout)

I've been thinking a lot about therapy, therapists, and becoming a therapist, in the AI-era. I personally don't think AI will replace good therapists but will emphasize what I consider the "core skills" of a good therapists.

One of the core skills of a therapist is what I would call 'attunement' -- the feeling the client should receive is that the therapist really understands them and their issues. This is both an actual understanding of the clients emotional states and COMMUNICATING to the client that understanding (so really almost two different things).

From my recent experience, this is actually a SKILL that can be developed. Most therapists do not have it, they just rely on their "natural" factors -- demographic, life experience, personality tendencies. Which is totally fine, and realistically quite helpful.

Finding a "good fit" therapist is typically finding someone who's natural tendencies match yours.

However when you meet someone who is extremely skilled at attunement, there's almost something quite magical about it. There's a moment-to-moment adjustment to what the person is needing, whether it's interrupting or validating. There's a micro level of constant rupture and repair.

These people can have a completely different natural tendency to you but their skill level is so high, it doesn't matter.

There's a secondary benefit from interacting with someone with high skill, in that you begin to absorb what they're doing, in that they're transferring their ability to attune, to you. This works as self-attunement but also with other relationships.

This is a bit woo, but if you see one of these people interact with someone else, there's almost palpable energy that's given off. This is a dumb analogy, but if you've played multiplayer video games, at some point you're just fully in sync with your teammates. That's sort of what it feels like. IMO this energy reinforces certain behaviors.

When you get the experience that connecting with people can be a skill, and not just arbitrary chance, I think something begins to shift quite dramatically. Bonding and connecting with someone stops being random circumstance, but more of a partner dance that occurs (I hate that AI has made me notice all my sentence structure, it's making writing so much slower). This has been invaluable for me for romantic relationships -- this soulmate/limerance feeling is something I can co-construct and co-create with someone. Thus I don't need to obsess over one person.

This is also why, I think for skilled therapists, AI will (probably) never replace them and in fact, LLMs can be quite helpful. If the LLM can sort of handle more "mundane" things eg how do I respond to my boss? I need some grounding right now etc. then the therapist can spend more time on this deeper level stuff. The skill and practice of emotional fluency.

I'm actually quite bull-ish on LLM use in therapy, but not to replace the therapist. The 1-hr per week model is just not enough for most with CPTSD. It requires effort similar to working out or learning a sport or language -- almost daily practice. The skilled therapists give examples and coaching and skill training. The LLM can handle small stuff during the week, or provide daily practice reminders etc.

So many years of loneliness and healing later, a mundane but incredible thing happened yesterday. One of my primary struggles has been creating a new community and support network far, far away from "home" and family, and it's taken years and years of therapy and healthy connection and failing, trying, failing, trying... for me to have a group of women who are all amazing people and friends.

Yesterday I hosted a party and had a table of these dear friends who went out their way to be there, eating my food, perusing my bookshelf, laughing and sharing stories. It was such an ordinary magic kind of moment. A real C-PTSD healing triumph.

It's all the little acts and actions of friendship that are so touching to me. I hope I'm becoming a better friend to people over time too.

I know my life is better than before. Most of the time, I finally feel at ease and there's a sense of contentment that wasn't there before.

Yet sometimes I can't help but feel resentment over what I didn't get to have. I see friends, cousins, people from relatively happy stable families with supportive attentive parents who had comfortable childhoods and I feel envious. They are thriving and that sense of security shows in the way they interact with the world.

Meanwhile, here I am, on meds and in therapy trying to make sense of everything that happening, learning to feel my feelings, working through grief, learning to trust myself, identifying and unlearning unhealthy patterns.

Do you ever really heal from this and fully make peace with the grief? I know I am me. And that comparisons aren't fair. Still, I feel this sadness over the fact that what is a big accomplishment for me is a regular thing for well-adjusted folks.

​[TW: workplace mobbing, harassment, stalking, power abuse & compound loss]

Hi everyone,

​I have been recovering from severe CPTSD for a year now since getting my diagnosis. My trauma came from a lot of hard things happening at the same time: a long period of personal + family + medical crises & multiple losses of my loved ones, mixed with a very toxic and unsafe work environment (where I faced power abuse, harassment, stalking from a supervisor also mobbing and ostracism from coworkers).

​When I finally decided to quit, my mental and physical health was completely broken and I couldn't handle the job anymore. The situation was so bad that I chose to leave even though I had to pay back huge penalty from a retention contract. It was a big financial loss for me because the amount is half of my annual income, but I had to do it to take care of myself & family where I had to be a care giver for a family member temporarily in that period.

​​I took a break from my career to work through the trauma, rebuilt myself, and did my responsibilites. I am grateful that my personal, family, and medical crises is over. Also I’ve made progress in my mental and physical health.

However, thinking about going back to work makes me very anxious. On top of that, the job market right now is really tough. Getting rejections has been hitting me hard, it brings me down and makes me even more scared that I won't make it.

​For anyone who has been through horrible workplace trauma and personal losses:

How did you know you were really ready to work again?

What signs showed that you were mentally strong enough for a normal job?

​What practical steps helped you prepare? (like starting with part-time or remote work, setting clear boundaries, checking the company culture, or keeping your private life safe?)

​How do you deal with fear and stay safe around bosses or office politics?

​How do you handle job rejections without letting them trigger your trauma or ruin your progress?

​I would really appreciate any advice, personal stories, or simple tips that helped you feel safe and confident again.

​Thank you so much.

Hi community,

I’m looking for positive resources (ideally audio based - audiobooks, YouTube channels, podcasts etc) that can give a sense of hope and examples of healing.

I’m finding that a lot of resources are very ‘disorder centric’ if that makes sense, and while helpful to understand more, I often find that it makes me focus on what is wrong and feeds my negativity.

Do you have any recommendations of resources that help you feel optimistic about the future and being able to change? Inspirational recovery stories? Open to any and all suggestions even if they are unrelated to cptsd!

Thank you 💕

I once saw this absolutely amazing post on recovery, I found it through its creator’s comment on a post in the CPSTD sub. Its main/first part was categorising the attacks of someone with CPTSD has on theirselves through their own mind. I think the first was “self-blame”. That’s basically all I remember.

I thought I’d saved it for later, only for it to not be anywhere in my saved OR post history??? So this is my only hope.

I'm not sure if this works the same for everyone else, but occasionally when I'm dehydrated or I get up too fast, and I get a headrush, all my fears seem ridiculous for a period of about three or so seconds.

Does this happen to anyone else? It seems like if there was a way of triggering that response, it could help a lot.

hi,
i’ve (28F) been depressed and retraumatized for the past 1.5 years and in psychodynamic talk therapy for 4 months. Since I’ve been learning more about myself while researching cptsd online, i’ve started connecting so many dots within myself. Why I act the way I act, what i feel in some situations and when i fall into shame spirals, how my symptoms show up but it feels like the more i discover the more i learn mostly two things:
so much about me is just an adaptation to my surroundings and so much about me only causes me pain, holds me back or makes everything worse for me. it’s making me feel really hopeless in this journey. and please don’t hit me with the “ healing is not linear” thing, come on we all know that and feel that everyday.

how do i keep pushing when i feel like i’m not even worth it at all and the more i learn the worse it is ?

what helped you?

I've been so enraged for the past three days. I've tried self soothing but apparently I don't really want it, like my body is just responding to it with more irritation and restlessness. Like i just wanna kick someone's arse and be mean to everyone even tho i know when im out in public I'll just end up acting like a nice person. I get feelings from time to time but usually i know why or where they're originating from. This time around though, i got no clue what triggered it. I'm watching this show and there's this girl that's cold and mean and reserved but also selfish and flirty and at least that's tickling some part of me. But really what do you do about this feeling?

It's definitely not even pms and i feel a little hot-cold at the same time it's hard to explain. It's like feeling somewhat feverish but i don't exactly feel feverish.

My need during conflicts is for friends to be able to do conflict/rupture repair with me. Particularly because the lack of validation/being ignored is still a trigger. However, I know this is not a skill everyone has capacity to do.

I clash the most with dynamics in which the other person needs to be seen as 'good' to keep themselves safe. I am finding even when I do the most perfect non-violence communication approach and screen for possible triggers, it still quickly becomes about their intention/outside of their control/their feelings about how I felt in response to their behaviour/me not caring about them/intention means I don't need to be upset etc. They may say sorry though it's always followed with a "but" and a reason why they did the thing that caused the harm. They at no point correctly reflect my emotion back despite it being a "I feel uncomfortable hearing ___ being said about ___." and they are not getting curious or offering how to prevent/navigate this in the future. It seems to quickly become all about them and their experience of my feeling towards them and how they've interpreted that.

I feel confident with my language/approach/keeping regulated during and my therapist* has confirmed I am doing great with those. My weak point is overfunctioning around the perfect message to stop them being triggered and not shutting down the conversation before it falls into those circles. I've dropped the circle down to 4 before I stopped the conversation and have gotten it down to 2 weeks before I end the conversation when it is over text due to them preferring that. Being told I don't care because I don't trust something is a strong weak point of mine also, I need quite a bit of time to centre myself and not respond to it. This is still a lot of my energy being used up and I'm not sure of my blind spots.

Has anyone figured out a decent way to navigate these dynamics and not allow yourself to be getting super sucked in?

In my new friendships we sort stuff out in like 10 minutes, it's wild! I always feel closer to these friends after as well. Since these new experiences, it's been harder to handle those like the dynamic above. Even though I understand it is just someone else trying to keep themselves safe.

(\Can't see therapist for a month, hence why I am asking on here and not my therapist)*

TW: mention of suicide

I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks/months. I had a terrible trauma anniversary period in which I also lost my job and was also almost physically assaulted. After that I got really sick for a few weeks to the point that eating and drinking water was almost impossible. I have done over two years of therapy and a lot of self-therapy on my trauma so I did have a relatively good toolkit to get myself through all this. BUT I was completely alone and isolated. My sister and a friend knew how badly I was doing, and how close to taking my own life I was, and yet they asked me, literally if I was alive or not, once every week or so. I mean I am grateful for this, but it's also insane. This was the highest level of empathy either of them could muster. I have always been lonely but only recently and after a lot of trauma work have I discovered exactly how lonely I have been without realizing it. It's a lot of delayed grief I am going through. And I hate my loneliness. I hate that I could barely breathe for a few weeks and yet I had to drag myself to the supermarket and the pharmacy to survive. I hate that there is no one to share my grief with. I hate that I am just now realizing how abandoned and lonely I have always been and it was so completely normalized to me that I have only realized it now. I mean, I attempted suicide a few years ago around this time (hence, the trauma anniversary now) and not only the person who found me (my mom!!) never took me to the hospital, but she also never asked if I was doing better or seeing a therapist or anything later on. She genuinely completely forgot about the whole thing just a few days later. And I told only one person, my only friend at the time, who ALSO completely ignored it. And after I got better, I just went on with my life like nothing had happened. This level of abandonment was so normal to me at the time that I did not even question it. I am just speechless now thinking about it all.

I am looking for therapists who specialize in relational trauma but to be honest, I feel sort of hopeless. Will I ever find real friends? Will I ever have someone to just talk to? I know that if it does ever happen, it will happen slowly. And I probably need to take baby-steps. But I am craving human connection so much and I feel so starved of anything remotely warm. How do I feel more of a hope? How do I start getting out of this? How do I meet people when I feel so depressed? I just can't deal with this isolation pain anymore.