r/CatholicDating • u/Dizzy-Mongoose-112 • 6d ago
Relationship advice Relationship timeline
Hi everyone! I’ve (21f) been dating my boyfriend for 3 months, but we’ve known each other since January. He’s really great and exactly the type of man I want to marry. We built a solid foundation even before we started dating, so even though it’s only been 3 months, it feels like a lot longer. He’s very set on marrying me as soon as possible.
I’m still in college and have a year left, whereas he’s done with school and will be starting his career. If it were up to him, we’d get married fall of 2027. I told him that was too soon and I wanted to finish up school and work for at least a year, so he wants to propose this spring of 2027 after I graduate and get married the spring of 2028. So we’d date for a year and then be engaged for a year.
I know that’s a reasonable timeline, but to be honest, I don’t know if I feel emotionally ready. I do love him and think I want to marry him, but I also have OCD, and it has me spiraling with questions like “What if we’re rushing things and I marry him and it’s not actually God’s will for my life?” etc.
I’m not saying with certainty that I won’t feel ready to get engaged this spring. But now that there’s a set timeline, I feel that it’s putting pressure on me to figure out NOW if I 100% do want to marry him by May.
I personally think I’d rather work for a year and THEN get engaged, so get engaged spring of 2028. I just don’t feel like an adult quite yet, and I don’t think I’ll start to until I get established in my career. I wouldn’t want to get engaged without feeling secure in that. Marriage sounds scary, and I know it can be in some ways, but I think it’d be less intimidating if I were older and had more time to grow.
But I also don’t want to be unfair to my boyfriend and make him wait forever. Again, he’s a few years older and feels more ready. I know we’ve not been dating that long and still have discerning to do. But assuming things do continue to work out, that’s what my thought process is.
My questions are: would it be unfair/unreasonable to suggest that to my boyfriend? Or should I just suck it up and deal with the anxieties I’m having around it?
Sorry for the rambling and thank you in advance!
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u/arathaur 6d ago edited 6d ago
Do you. In life, don't live according to others' wishes and expectations. Also, you're only 21, you're so young.
If you desire more time before getting engaged with him (and you really should since you barely know him, I know you say "he’s really great and exactly the type of man I want to marry", but really, 3 months is nothing, anyone can hide who they truly are for the first 6 months at least - you need to properly vet this person for his character - honest, loyal, trustworthy - and compare your values and goals), then set this boundary with him and tell him what you would like the timeline to look like. If he starts to pressure you or try to convince you to do otherwise, red flag in my book.
"Marriage sounds scary, and I know it can be in some ways, but I think it’d be less intimidating if I were older and had more time to grow."
100% the correct mindset. Choose very carefully the person who you spend your life with, because 95% of your happiness or your misery will come from that one decision. It's the most important decision of your life.
Edit - if he was to try to convince you to do otherwise and abide by his own timeline - give him this quote to reflect on "You need to love in such a way that the person you love feels free."
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u/Interesting_Pop_1128 5d ago edited 5d ago
People can hide who they are for much longer! I think it’s best to date for at least a year so that you can see the person during every season.
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u/arathaur 5d ago
💯 that’s why I said at least 6 months. Gotta spend that time to properly vet for character!
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u/Interesting_Pop_1128 5d ago
You should absolutely follow your gut and wait a bit longer. Three months is not long enough to get to know someone. And there is no rush. If you prefer to wait a bit longer you should definitely do so. Let him know and if he respects you, he won’t pressure you to do things the way he wants to. How much older is he than you?
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u/wantcodewiththat 6d ago
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to be an adult for a bit before getting married or even engaged. Bring this up to your boyfriend. If he is unwilling to consider what you want or you are uncomfortable discussing it with him, those are red flags that would suggest neither of you is ready to be married anyways.
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u/Mein_Independance 6d ago
Make sure you keep sex off the table. And any other borderline sexual activity. That will help you discern well.
There is no issue getting engaged within 1 year of dating. Do not rush! Generally by 9 months in a relationship when a man knows he is ready or not to get engaged.
My friends reccomended this book when they were getting ready to get engaged. A Catholic's Guide to Finding the Perfect Spouse: ...with 101 Simple Questions https://a.co/d/0dYPh9dF
It helps a lot. Two of them ended up getting engaged. And 1 of the couples ended up breaking up instead. All groups were happy with the decision.
Anyway there will never be a perfect time to get married. Discern well. Keep chaste boundaries and pray pray pray. Everything else will become clear.
Also if you have already slipped up sexually woth your boyfriend. Go to confession and set hard boundaries NOW. If he is meant to be your husband he should not lead you into sin. Protect your future marriage and your 20s. Chaste romance is 1000% better in my experience. And a man worth his salt will walk with you in that chastity.
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u/Smart-Pie7115 6d ago
You’re pretty young. I would give it a year before your start talking engagement. Let the honeymoon phase take its course first. If you were older in your 30s-40s it would be different, but you’re young and still finishing school. Focus on finishing school. Even if you get married and decide to do the SAHM thing, it’s important to have a good education to fall back on in case something happens and you have to become the primary breadwinner.
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u/ploweroffaces Married ♂ 6d ago edited 6d ago
I'll tell you this, me and my wife dated for about 6 months before being engaged, and then we were engaged for about 11 months before our wedding. Within a couple months I could tell that this was different and I was going to marry her, much like your boyfriend it sounds like, but my wife, like you, was nervous things were going too fast. But by the time 6 months came around, she was ready for engagement, and we set a wedding date within a couple weeks.
All that said, my now wife was 28 at the time and I was 29 when we got engaged, so I think that does make a difference. I think having more life experience and dating experience helps to discern the character of someone faster.
He’s really great and exactly the type of man I want to marry.
I think it is really important to remember what you said here. If you know that, then it doesn't really make sense to wait longer than is necessary to be certain. The question is are you actually certain about what you said there? When you are certain, however long that takes, that is when you should proceed.
Good things to consider are:
What do your friends think of him? What are his friends like and what do they say about him? What is his family like? Make sure you discuss ALL of the important questions. Father Mike Schmitz had a great video where he said the most important topics to discuss when dating are faith, family, finances, and intimacy. This was really fruitful for us before we got engaged. It is important you are on the same page with all of these.
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u/Dizzy-Mongoose-112 6d ago
I will check out the Father Mike Schmitz video, thank you! I do believe that he is the man I would like to marry, I guess it might just be anxiety around finances, moving out of my house, etc that are kind of making me hesitate. Is that still reasonable to want to wait longer to get married?
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u/ploweroffaces Married ♂ 5d ago
That's fair, and you shouldn't feel pressured to get married. The anxiety you feel about those things might get a little bit better with time, but it probably isn't going to go away. I can't really tell you what to do and you will need to figure it out with your boyfriend.
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u/TCMNCatholic In a relationship ♂ 6d ago
You've been dating for 3 months and are planning for something roughly 20 months out. This is the equivelant to a 10-year old planning what they want to do when they're 80. It's fine to have thoughts or goals along that timeline but that's projecting so far out relative to your experience that it's hard to tell how you'll feel then.
If your relationship is as strong as you make it seem, you should be able to have these honest conversations with him. If he's set on his way and his timeline without any concern for yours, he's missing the point of dating and marriage.
I would avoid setting a timeline you're not 100% confident in. If you set that timeline and don't feel ready in the spring, that feels like deception or dishonesty even if that's not the intent. I would think about it as you don't see yourself ready to think about engagement until the spring without committing to being ready to get engaged then. If he insists on you committing to engagement then, as a 21-year old and only 3 months into an engagement, that seems like a red flag.
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u/Dizzy-Mongoose-112 6d ago
Thank you for saying this. He has said that if I wanted to wait longer he would. I guess I just feel bad because I “agreed” to this timeline and now am taking it back. But I do think he would be understanding, maybe a little disappointed, but understanding. I guess I’m just struggling with how to go about having the conversation. Thank you!
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u/TCMNCatholic In a relationship ♂ 6d ago
That's good, there's a big difference between wanting to move fast because you're excited and think it's mutual and wanting to move fast for your own reasons and not prioritizing the other person's reasons.
I would make it clear that you got a little ahead of yourself earlier and that this isn't a sign of trouble, just that you want to take things as they go instead of planning everything out. Beyond that I wouldn't worry too much about how you say it, it's probably not going to come out perfect and he probably won't love hearing it but rushing into engagement or marriage before you're both married is bad for everyone involved. If he's a bit frustrated that's understandable but if he tries to hold you to your "agreement" that's a bigger issue. Ideally you wouldn't have said something that could come off as an agreement or commitment but marriage is the only truly binding commitment.
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u/Dizzy-Mongoose-112 6d ago
Yeah, it started off as him saying it’s a “rough timeline” but lately I think he’s gotten a little ahead of himself and keeps talking about it as if it’s the plan for sure. I definitely will bring this up to him. Thank you!
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u/CoatWinter9234 4d ago
I do think it‘s wise to see a potential spouse through a year and at least one stressful situation before committing. He’s not going to have to wait forever if you both decide to get married, but you don’t need a timeline on when to get engaged as of right now. That‘s a lot of pressure. It’s ok to slow things down if that’s what you need, and if you tell him that and he pressures you into a timeline, that would be a yellow flag (not a red one, but just, hey warning, this could be an issue).
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u/007Munimaven 5d ago
A good man is hard to find! Do not hesitate.
You may regret delays. If your career is more important than a family, do not string him along.
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u/4chananonuser Single ♂ 5d ago
Maybe get engaged one year after you’ve met at the earliest, although finishing college first might be smart. I wouldn’t wait forever, though.
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u/arig____ 6d ago
Assuming you’re asking the “Catholic” dating sub because you want Catholic advice—two years is longer than even necessary, and if you can’t commit to that then you shouldn’t be dating.
You should ONLY be dating with the intention to marry. And it only takes 6 months to really decide that, at best. I think people waiting an entire year for an engagement are insane. An ideal CATHOLIC courtship might be 6 months of dating and a 3 month engagement.
It’s entirely a secular movement to prolong dating and it does nothing but sow enmity and encourage the occasion of sin.
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u/Accomplished-Big6346 6d ago
Most parishes require 6-9 months engagement between scheduling a wedding and doing precana. They really want to ensure everything is valid (aka consent, understanding of Catholic teaching on marriage, etc).
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u/arig____ 6d ago
My best friend is a priest and I will tell you—this is less a “rule” and more a grace period to let the church indoctrinate you (justifiably). If you’re already indoctrinated it’s not something that needs to take 6 months.
But fair point. I’ve known Catholics to marry sooner, however.
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u/Dizzy-Mongoose-112 6d ago
Neither me nor my boyfriend would be financially ready to be married in 9 months. If this is your view, what would we do? We couldn’t get married that quickly even if we wanted to. Do you believe you shouldn’t date until you’re financially ready for marriage?
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u/TD_Aestas 6d ago
I would take this post with a grain of salt - the 6 to 9 months is a guideline while it can be adapted to particular situations - as the post said “ideal” and not one size fits all. My advice is just be honest and if he’s a guy you want to marry but take a little time getting to know him and integrate into each others lives, go for it :)
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u/arig____ 6d ago
I think, first of all, people spend too much money on weddings and that’s also a secular innovation. It should actually save you money to get married; you only pay one rent, cooking at home for two is more economical, sometimes you may only need one car, etc. I relate to the fantasy of a $50,000 wedding and $20,000 honeymoon but (FWIW) the most wholesome and sentimental weddings I’ve ever attended were in a backyard, not a New England mansion.
As for dating—it is not just my opinion, but the opinion of the church generally, that you should only date to marry. You shouldn’t be dating if you aren’t ready to be married when the dating is successful.
You can also think about it this way—if you are committed to being Catholic, you need to expect the possibility of children when the marriage commences. If you think you can’t afford that (which is also generally exaggerated, I’ve seen families start on one $40,000 salary) then no, you aren’t ready for marriage, and thus you aren’t ready for dating. The whole POINT of dating is to decide if you want to marry the person. If you aren’t even wanting to get married, what are you even interviewing them for? Nothing. So you’re just coming up with an excuse to make out with somebody all the time?
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u/Dizzy-Mongoose-112 5d ago
I am dating with the intention of marriage. If I found someone now who I believe I’ll want to marry in the future, I don’t know why I would wait to date him, even if I’m not ready for marriage in 6-9 months. I don’t want to just start looking for someone when I’m ready for marriage, I want to have someone so that I can get married when I’m ready.
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u/Mysterious-Duck-5564 5d ago
I think you have a good head on your shoulders and you should trust your gut.
Even if 6-9 months is the ideal (and I would argue that it is not), our lives are not always perfect and ideal. If you need 2 years of dating before engagement because of anxiety, education, or finances, that’s fine, and it’s right for your life.
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u/HistoricalExam1241 6d ago
You and your BF might like to get hold of the book '101 questions to ask before you get engaged'. By the time you have worked through that, you will have a good idea whether you are both ready to take things to the next step.