I'm not using a burner for any reason in particular.
I'm going to talk about my life, to give a preface.
But Hi, call me Ky. I'm a just-turned 17 year old girl, and I yearn for religious life. However, I am unbaptized. I want to follow this by saying I went to Catholic school k-12, not saying that means I know everything about Catholicism, but I do have a basis for it. And I did go to Mass every Tuesday and Thursday. Not really on Sundays, though, as my parents are atheists. I did ask in 3rd grade to be baptized, but it didn't happen because they wanted me to "choose my own path." Well my own path has led me right back.
I haven't been an avid Church goer until my birthday, a little less than a complete month ago. But I have been going more than once a week, up to four sometimes. I am going into OCIA within a week.
But, back to being a Nun. I did have a calling when i was little little, especially in middle school. Even though I was in my rebel not-christian phase during then, i knew it deep down i was meant to be a nun. During middle school i began searching other religions, and during my high school years i did that and other denominations. But, my heart was always tugged back to Catholicism, God bless. I believe a work of the Holy Spirit, as my Priest actually said that too.
During middle school i asked my religious teacher (an active sister i think? She never wore the habit) if i could have a different job other than nurse or teacher as a nun. She said yes, very kind woman. But deep down i knew, and I still know that my thoughts for having a job whilst being a Nun isn't exactly me yearning for work. It feels like more of an excuse.
I know, or I think I know, for sure that I am meant to be cloistered, and probably contemplative. Most notably I have thought about the Holy Spirit Adoration Sisters and the Carmelites. But I am open to any at this point in time.
I feel myself get teary-eyed whenever the thought that I couldn't be a Nun passes my mind. I have never been this emotional about anything. But this, I have every right to be emotional about. I yearn to serve God in this way, to serve the world in this way. I wish to be Jesus' spouse. My love has no comprehendible words to fill how I need to say it. The love of God is a burning flame in my heart each time I endure Mass, and especially when I sit through Adoration. There is no other place I'd like to be, no where else compels me. But oh, adoration! Though I cannot receive it, for I am unbaptized, I love it so already. I would start myself a whole day of everything! Stuck in a tiny room with nothing (But maybe my Bible and a Cross!) for only the possibility to kiss it! Oh I cannot fathom my feelings into words.
But I feel so stuck. I cannot move. I cannot do anything. I yearn to move forward but I'm stuck. I wish to be a better Christian. To use my love in prayer and thought like how I'm supposed to. I wish I had daily adoration but my Church only does it mondays and thursdays. And the nearest one that does it daily is too far.
Nothing in the world could make me happier. No objects, no money, no people! I would give up seeing my family, my friends! In order to consume the holy sacrament. I know no such thing is asked of me but I must say it for you all to comprehend how I am feeling.
Oh what am I to do? I might cry.
This whole post isn't even about my Vocation at this point. So let me talk about that. I feel as though I must have Eucharistic adoration, which may unfortunately dismiss the Carmelites as a choice even though I hold them so deeply and sincerely as a great order. I know that the Holy Spirit Adoration Sisters adore the Eucharist in increments, so that Jesus may never be alone! But oh, oh oh oh i feel so selfish if I say I don't know if I could handle only 30 minutes. Maybe I could. I know right now I could but that's because I'm on this screen! And i have school! I would stay in Adoration from when it starts on Thursday or when it ends if i could. And that is 12 full hours. What would I do, maybe I should ask myself? What else could I do but adore, and contemplate, and just think! And talk to our dear Lord. Oh at this point I should just be a hermit locked in an adoration cell! But I know that thought might be a dangerous one and I am not one to know where it could lead.
I have nothing to add. I don't know what to say. God bless all who read, and the rest of the world.