Feeling suffocated.

[u/suddenlysober69]

For the better part of the last decade I have been in a relationship that has destroyed me. I don’t need to rehash the all the dirty details; he’s been controlling, and I struggle to accept his “boundaries” which I argue are just rules he makes for me. He struggles with addiction, specifically with cocaine which makes him paranoid and gives me so much anxiety I drink to cope with it. I also drink to cope with how pissed off I am that he completely disrespects my needs like space and time alone, tries to control my social life, relies on me to constantly shoulder some of the weight that is his life while simultaneously treating me shitty and like I’m stupid.

It is not good. And it is so fucking draining. I feel like a shell of the person I was when I entered into this relationship. I’m terrified of losing my friends over still being with this pos guy (in their opinions) so I mostly keep my relationship a secret. I have to keep it a secret from my family as well.. that’s a whole other story of control and codependence when it comes to my mother.

I’m in therapy but it still just sucks. I recently got sober and the clarity that came with that has been so overwhelming. I am so miserable in my relationship and have been for so long but I’ve just numbed myself so much just to keep surviving.

Ive always been told the relationship is codependent but never really got it. I recently saw someone compare codependency to alcoholism or any other addiction and I finally understood that it involves real work and recovery just like addiction.

I want out but I don’t know how. He lives with me but he will need to leave, I own the house. I’m so scared of hurting him and I feel like he has nowhere to go if I kick him out and I am so frustrated with myself for not just doing the hard thing. I’m working on rebuilding self trust, if anyone has any suggestions of little promises I can make myself please let me know! I’m also trying to figure out what parts of him are a mirror to myself. But I need resources. I’m the rescuer, he’s the rescuee. I’m always there when he fucks up and he rarely has to face life without me regulating his emotions. This makes me feel needed and responsible when I don’t feel like a responsible adult most of the time.

[u/humbledbyit]

Welcome! If I may, I wonder if Alanon might be good for you. It's for people who are impacted by another person's alcoholism or in this case drug use. Alanon is a Codependency 12 step program w the added layer of dealing with obsession around an addict.

Only you can know if you need to work a 12 step program for this. It's generally for people who see they are the common denominator in their misery. For me I was the one keeping track of offenses, I was resentful, I was full of fear with what ifs. My mind didn't live in reality. It lived in what could be or should be. We tend to fix, manage, save & control. Control comes in many forms. It can I clude people pleasing, saying yes when we mean no, withholding opinions, overextendinh ourselves. We do these things bc we are trying to get the relationship to go a certain way (control). Walking in egg shells so as to not upset another is control. I'm trying to avoid their outburst so I do what I think will make that happen.

[u/Jabroni_Direwolfie]

I want to say I think deep down inside you know what you have to do. He needs to leave. But as a co dependent you feel responsible for him. You feel you will need to manage his feelings through this whole thing. And a bunch of strangers can tell you over and over again to "set boundaries" and "not feel responsible for the way he handles things" is much easier said than done...lol. I grew up with a co dependent father and he passed on this behavior to me. Ive worked on my issues with boundaries with ppl because im a recovering addict. But having boundaries is not enough. Its very basic. This is actually something in your nervous system to react this way to other ppls problems. Its a trama response through and through. I want to say as an addict, he will never get help unfortunately because you are facilitating his addiction by providing shelter. Maybe money..not sure. Most ppl need to hit rock bottom before they get help. You can't help him. The only thing you can do is not facilitating it. He needs to put the work in. Sounds like your spirit has been completely broken from this relationship. Most of us co dependents suffer from low self worth and think we don't deserve better. Once you pull away and start working on you, you can more easily place boundaries and stick to them. This relationship is slowly killing you. Do you have the will to even live? You obviously do. You are reaching out for help. There is a lady on Utube name Lisa Romano. Her videos are amazing and I encourage you to watch some. There are so many amazing therapists on utube that make so many videos about co dependent traits and how to move past them. Some ppl think therapy is the answer but its doesn't always work for situations like these. Co dependence is not a mental issue. Its a behavioral issue. And you can get better.

[u/rayautry]

I would hit some Alanon or Codependents Anonymous meetings. They have helped me immensely. I am not perfect but I am so further than where I was.

Also, don’t be afraid of kicking him out. Talk to friends or family and have a plan.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

One question you may want to ask yourself: "If you couldn't rescue him, what would you have to feel?" You may be avoiding those feelings by rescuing him. The way out may be to become comfortable feeling those feelings.