r/Codependency • u/Active-Hornet1118 • 4d ago

Love & Codependence

I’ve (F27) have always had codependent urges and always need some sort of external validation from others. I’m happy to say that with many years of therapy and a fully developed prefrontal cortex, I can identify and redirect these urges early (really proud of myself tbh). However, I fear I may have become more of an avoidant person due to this, specifically in romantic relationships.

For some context, I’ve only had 2 major relationships, one in college where we were both severely codependent. Another over a year ago where I was the codependent and they were the complete opposite, often leading me to feel disregarded (and TBH, they were doing that, but I also didn’t know how to communicate my needs without blowing up into a million tears).

Since then, I’ve had ZERO interest in dating or romance as a whole. Anytime I’ve talked to someone I’ve immediately gotten the ick. The idea of going on dates, dating apps, friends playing matchmaker actually disgusts me lol. Have I switched to avoidant attachment? Maybe I’m just exhausted from love? Thoughts?

TLDR: I think I’ve switched to becoming an avoidant person in my love life, now what?

11 Upvotes

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u/Tight_Strain_4621 4d ago

There’s no requirement to pursue romance right now. Taking a break can be healthy, especially after relationships where you felt overwhelmed or hurt. I’d be cautious about labeling yourself avoidant, though; sometimes burnout, resentment, depression, or simply not meeting compatible people can look like avoidance. Let your feelings exist without turning them into a permanent diagnosis.

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u/shadtark 4d ago

This is a really great perspective. I also personally find EFT a very helpful evolution of attachment theory to ready about, though I also personally needed to do a lot alongside any knowledge gaining. 

Totally agree with this comment. The same actions with different intentions can be healthy or unhealthy. Either way, getting in touch with your feelings and letting yourself breathe seem like wise moves 

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u/FluidPersimmon8370 4d ago

swung the other direction myself, tbh. used to be the one blowing up over unmet needs adn now im like... why would i let anyone have that kind of access to my peace lol. the ick is just your nervous system doing damage control while it relearns what safety looks like. not broken, just recalibrating the whole attachment firmware

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u/Brendan34 4d ago

Sucks to not have intimacy in any form for years on end as someone trying to recover from codependency though.

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u/reee9000 3d ago edited 3d ago

Choosing a relationship and working on your codependency are two different things. You don’t need to be with anyone rn and prob should steer clear, this is an inner wisdom.

Avoidant attachment person as a style is not the same as avoiding behavior.

Avoidance tho for us IS a part of our codependence behaviors - you’ve always been avoidant in areas (denial) you just didn’t see the ways you isolated or self-abandoned or self-isolated.

Isolation and avoidance IS a HUGE part of codependency. Check out more about it in relation to codependency any you will see the truth.

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u/codependencyrecovery 3d ago

That "ick" could be a protector inside you keeping you from the vulnerability of a relationship. One question to consider asking yourself: "If I couldn't feel "ick" what would I feel"? You could also try staying with the "ick" while getting to know the person. In other words, the ick feeling doesn't have to drive the wheel.