r/Codependency • u/Dreamsbydayxo • 17h ago

How to break the cycle

Woke up to our toxic history

Wanted better

She didn’t want to do the work with me

Made me feel so hurt told her I hated her

Wanted to move out of state and forget the past

She wouldn’t work with me I’m selling home etc and detaching

Now I’m facing ripping apart the life I built by moving to a new state and rebuild myself.

How did you guys rebuild yourselves after the fact of toxic codependency in a relationship/marriage?

Will moving, new places, new faces, help?

3 Upvotes

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u/Affectionate-Job6635 14h ago

I was in a toxic marriage. I left it. I started dating again and realized the problems followed because I was codependent. I worked with a therapist and did the twelve step program for codependency. That has helped change my actions and responses to be healthy rather than self-seeking

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u/Dreamsbydayxo 13h ago

Wow that didn’t even cross my mind that there’s a12 step, could you give any deeper insight to how that works for codependency,

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u/Affectionate-Job6635 13h ago

Basically, alcoholics don’t drink because they love alcohol. They like how it makes them feel. The effect it has on them.

Codependents don’t manage/control/use others or situations because we like it. We like the feeling when everything goes the way we think it should. It can make us feel safe or loved or secure. We like the effect of our codependent actions.

The big book which 12-step programs are based on works for any addictive behavior. There are groups based on overeating, narcotics, gambling… the list goes on and on. Twelve step groups use the principles in that book to overcome addictions.

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u/Dreamsbydayxo 12h ago

Dam how did you get to this point, self realization… therapy, friends, family?

What was your light switch to your past situation?

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u/Affectionate-Job6635 3h ago

I started seeing someone. I fell hard for them and they were so healthy emotionally—vulnerable, honest. They pointed out things in myself I hadn’t seen. They had worked the steps for their codependency and suggested I look into it.

I first went to meetings hoping to get fixed and win them back. But now I go for me.

At first I was looking for all of the reasons why I wasn’t a codependent, but when I looked for similarities, I began to see them. I found a sponsor, worked the steps and that person helped me see myself accurately.

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u/Scared-Section-5108 15h ago

Therpay helps. And 12 steps programs like Codependent Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunction do too.

There is no shortcut or easy way out. Doing the inner work needed to heal from childhood trauma - which resulted in codependency - with the support of others is the way. Moving away from triggering people can be a great start.

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u/Dreamsbydayxo 12h ago

That’s what was trying to do but realized just debilitating anxiety came up once I had bags packed and car stuffed

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u/vulpesvulpes666 14h ago

In my experience moving did help to some degree, it was a good reset.

However, wherever you go, there you are. You have to be willing to do the work on yourself (therapy, 12 step, reading etc) or you will continue to get into similar relationships.

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u/codependencyrecovery 9h ago

How is your relationship with a Higher Power? It may be a good time to deepen that relationship.

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u/Dreamsbydayxo 7h ago

That’s what I think my closest sister was explaining to me. I abandoned a lot of my practicing faith years ago, but as of recent, I’ve notice small signs of synchronicities that stood out to me in a way, as a sign from a higher power. Small things that either I say in the moment, and it will be a repeated phrase on tv, or radio or in person. But I’m taking that as small breadcrumbs to where I should be heading in My journey. Funny enough the church she was telling me about that she watches online, I’ve attended a year or two back with my child and it was a great experience. I’m also trying to require my thinking in terms of pursuing career paths and personal goals. I feel like if my thinking has been skewed by codependency, then what else have I had the wrong filter on in my choices and journey, that was due to coming from a place of lack vs intentionally aligned to who I really am.

And then the dismal feeling of, IS this who I am now??

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u/codependencyrecovery 7h ago

Great stuff. Sometimes life will have us hit rock bottom in order to put us back onto the right course.

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u/Dreamsbydayxo 6h ago

It’s like the most eye opening time of my life. I really was feeling disappointed as to the lack of support I felt I had from friends and family during the worst era in being married and felt no one wanted to see my struggle.

Then as I opened my view point and perspective a bit more, I noticed how they may view me, and although I’m not seeking their validation, I also KNOW I won’t ever get it.

So I really wanted to cut off all the people I felt like added to that version of me.

Recently I’m trying to restart it all.

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u/codependencyrecovery 6h ago

Wow. i can feel your determination and clarity. Very cool.

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u/Dreamsbydayxo 6h ago

I just found codependency anonymous meeting in my area that’s on Wednesday! I booked therapy on Thursday morning. I’m just emotionally tired of feeling tired

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u/codependencyrecovery 6h ago

Great to hear. I used to really struggle and now I love life. So there is hope, my friend.

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u/Dreamsbydayxo 5h ago

Thank you for your words and advice