I don't really know how to say this and maybe that's why it's taken me so long to say anything at all. It's strange how so many years can pass and somehow, out of nowhere, I find myself missing someone I thought I'd already made peace with losing. I miss you. I don't know if that's a strange thing to say after all this time or if you even have any idea what place you still hold in me. I don't know where life has taken you, who you've become, or if you've found someone and built a life of your own. I hope you have. More than anything, I hope you're happy. I hope life has been kind to you and that you've found the kind of happiness you deserve... I really do even if your happiness has nothing to do with me, even if you've built a life I know nothing about, even if there isn't a place for me in it anymore. I guess a part of me just wishes I could have been there to see it. To know you as you are now. To be a small part of your life, if life would have it that way. I don't know what I'm expecting by saying this. Maybe nothing. Maybe I just needed you to know that after all these years you still cross my mind and sometimes I miss you more deeply than I know how to explain. Maybe its just the thought or my twisted memories I'm chasing through my mind. Still, I hope you're doing well.... and if there's still a place in your life where you'd be open to hearing from me, I'd really like to see you again... even for one endless night. I don't know why part of me wants to run after you as these deluded thoughts eat away at me. I'm only torturing myself with these thoughts yet it seems i cant stop thinking and dreaming about you. I find myself looking for you everywhere i go to be met with disappointment... but maybe you dont need me intruding in your life. Maybe I'm just chasing a shadow. Maybe this was always a one way street... building a temple of unspoken words. Maybe i never meant anything to you. I wish i knew, then maybe this would be easy for me. Whats wrong with me...

I've been struggling since I graduated in May with my MA. I've been trying so hard to find a job and was lucky to get a part time job working as an unarmed security guard at a university.

I finally thought, "Yes! Job security while I look for a different job!" Only to realize that this job will cut me out of half the job market in my area because the university offers so many entry level roles for jobs I want but I can't apply to them because I'm a new employee there. I knew this was a thing, I just didn't realize it also affected people working part time. I'll have to wait 10 months before I can request a transfer or be considered for any other role there.

So, I've been hunting everywhere else for a new job because no one can honestly live off a $16/hr salary working 10-20 hours a week because there is no set schedule.

It's really affecting me. Mentally. I feel so helpless. I have to start paying my student loans in November and I don't know if I'll be able to. I don't have a stable job. I need insurance. I just feel like it's all worthless. I contacted a certification program I applied to last year to be admitted this year so I can pay for classes and put off on paying them. It'll be cheaper than the loans.

I recently applied for a job that I'm so excited for. It sounds like everything I'd thrive and love doing, but when I found the posting on LinkedIn and saw that 50 other people applied before me, it makes me realize how unqualified I am for the role. Imposter syndrome sucks. I have hope but I know for a fact there are 10-30 people in there that have more experience than me. I bet there are internal applicants too. Fuck.

Every time I come online for career advice I get shot down. I asked a simple question, "how can someone pivot from Humanities to Corporate/Operations?" And was told "should have gone with STEM."

That was my only comment. So I deleted the post. I hate how negative people are on Reddit.

I can't go anywhere for advice. I'm applying for public facing, nonprofit roles where reaching out to the hiring manager or anyone on the team is impossible to do. So I can't thank them for the interview, even when it's recommended to do that. I hate sending "thank you for interviewing me" emails. I feel like they do nothing.

I just don't see the point in anything anymore. It really hurts. All the work I've put into studying and getting experience in museums and nonprofits is useless. My 3 years of working in this field feels like it's gone down the drain.

I just want a break.

I have an interview tomorrow for a job out of state and all I can think about is "what if they ask for an in person interview? I won't be able to go." Then I realize that I'm just building my interview skills. So, I feel better about it and have been approaching it differently.

I just want a job. A job that would allow me to build skills that can let me make a career helping others. That's all I want. I've been editing my headline on LinkedIn so many times so that I can get people to look at my profile and realize how cringe that is, but I'm so desperate.

So, I'll say it again, I hate the current job market and really hope that the rumors that September is when companies start hiring again is true.

I applied for a job and they made me do a personality test for some reason, this has to be the stupidest thing I’ve been through. I definitely failed too. Why do jobs make people jump through a hundred hoops just to not hire them, what’s the point? Why waste my time?

I’m so sleepy today. It’s a new month and I’m still stuck in the same place, maybe I’ll be stuck like this forever. People like me aren’t supposed to live this long, maybe that’s why everything is going wrong.

I’ve been letting my hair get matted for a while now, it feels like wool. Maybe if I shaved my hair off I could make a jumper out of it. I could never get rid of my hair though, I like it too much.

I’m so bored, bored, bored, bored.
Nothing interesting ever happens.

I feel this strange hatred towards myself, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’ve let myself be too open and vulnerable today. It’s pathetic really.

I’m a really impossible lady to be with, I must be detestable.

tuesday, september 1st, 5:49 pm

i decided to sit outside while i spill my thoughts. it's quiet out here aside from a single bird and the humming of my AC unit.

my heart feels like a ball of lead anchored in my chest.

ive been thinking about my cousin who's in prison for murder and i think about how innocent he used to be.

even the flowers growing from the sheet rock outside my home become shriveled under the sun.

i think about how time is fleeting and how life goes by and slips away like it does.

this is such an ugly feeling.

it's so hard to pry myself from my thoughts. im trapped in a tar pit of my own making.

i didn't work today, and so i spend my freedom sitting here doing nothing so i can go back tomorrow to a day of labor and wishing i was back in this place of being stagnant doing nothing again while the lead ball in my chest becomes a ball and chain attached to my ankle.

this is stupid, and my thoughts are stupid, but it's nice to get them out. that is all for now

I found another worksheet from when I was a kid.

The assignment was basically:

What do you do when you feel afraid?

Little me wrote:

“To not be frightened. Do not be frightened.”

Which is both kind of funny and, knowing what I know now, a little sad.

Because apparently my childhood strategy for being scared was simply… stop being scared. 😂 Just not a good plan of attack, as I later learned.

I don’t remember filling out that worksheet. But I do remember something from a few years later.

I was in middle school when I started puberty and felt lumps in my chest.

I was completely convinced I had breast cancer.

Not maybe.

In my little brain, I was pretty certain I was dying.

And I told absolutely no one.

Not my mom.

Not my dad.

Not a friend.

Not a teacher.

I didn’t ask anyone what was happening to my body. I didn’t ask anyone if what I was feeling was normal.

I just went to school every day carrying around the belief that I might have cancer.

Then one day in health class I learned that breasts develop that way during puberty.

Oh.

Apparently I wasn’t dying.

Problem solved.

Except, looking back, the weird part isn’t that a middle-school kid misunderstood puberty.

Kids believe dumb shit all the time.

I knew someone who fully accepted that pregnacy occurs when someone spits in a belly button. 🫣😅

The part I keep coming back to is this:

Why did I think I had a potentially deadly disease and never consider telling anyone?

I don’t remember making some conscious decision that I couldn’t trust people.

I don’t remember thinking, Mom won’t help me or Dad won’t listen.

I just… didn’t tell.

And the older I get, the more I realize how often that happened.

Something scared me?

Keep it to myself.

Something happened that I didn’t understand?

Figure it out myself.

Something hurt?

Don’t talk about it.

Need help?

Apparently that option didn’t occur to me.

And I don’t think anybody looking at me from the outside would have known any of that.

I went to school.

I talked to people.

I functioned.

Meanwhile, there was a kid walking around thinking she might be dying and nobody knew because she never said a word.

That’s one of the many things I’m trying to understand by telling these stories now.

Not just what happened to me.

But when I learned that whatever happened, I was supposed to handle it alone.

Because I honestly don’t know.

(#wlw) i disgusted my self while listening to hush by the marias, imagined being brutally beaten by a girl who had been in 5 relationship just to broke up bcs of a marriage thing, the depression had me satisfied idk how to elaborate, like...humhh thats romantics asf in a toxic way, the broke up didnt went good bcs the girl wanted me to feel hatred toward her so I've got beaten till fainted and woke up just to saw her crying Infront of me and kissing me but she don't know I was woke up all along and fainted after the kiss, so the next morning I had mourned for ages bcs I remembered those shit likeee.....both are suffer but she will suffer the feeling of guilt meanwhile i suffer bcs ik the fact that the beaten was supposed to made me hate her not bcs she's sick of my existence ....ppl may find this disgusted but this is romantic asf😭

To Milk Chocolate

We never addressed your parents by their last names. We simply called them Mr. Steve and Mrs. Michelle. I can’t even recall the name of the daycare. I remember leaving abruptly, due to a misunderstanding involving the whole “daycare bus fire.” Your parents and I mutually agreed to part ways. I didn’t think it mattered that we didn’t do the same ourselves. I imagine you’d chuckle if you read this.

I realized then that my sexuality was a significant issue, but I didn’t realize yours wasn’t. I wouldn’t say I was crushing on you then, but I liked you. I cherished waking up from our naps, sharing snacks, and playing with the Bratz dolls until it was time for me to leave. We always had options, and we chose to play together, except when the arcade room was open.

I would pick the boys’ Bratz dolls, and you would choose the girls. We would play for hours, creating imaginary lives for them. Their relationships and lives were easier to manage than ours. We would sneak kisses to each other after a long day of “work” or whatever imaginary fight we would imagine.

I wasn’t good at picking up on subtle cues back then, and that hasn’t changed in adulthood. I simply never saw you that way. Even though we were playing together, expressing ourselves in our “Bratz World,” we couldn’t do the same in the “Real” world. I enjoyed those times and many more we had playing together. I wish I had known then, but I’d rather blame the unawareness and scare tactics of your big brother and sister.

If I could go back in time and change our last time together, I would have kissed you before the lighter flame was extinguished (that’s a jab at our mutual departure). You were definitely worth more than teaching Cody how to light a lighter.

You’re a grown woman now, and you’re more beautiful than when we last spoke. I don’t think you remember me, and that’s okay. You might stumble upon this post as I stumble upon you again. Don’t worry if you do. I’m simply writing down memories of my life as they come to mind. I’m putting them out there in my mind and sharing them here.

Just breathe. Take it slow.
Don’t go getting all up in your head about it.
Yes, It does feel good. There is something there. Just keep in mind what happened last time.
12 years is a long time away from someone you cared about.
Are they worthy of your trust after all these years?
Do you believe people can truly change for the better?
I’d like to think so.
Does that doubt and fear of deception favor your uncertainty?
There is nothing wrong with believing.
Welcoming it back, yet remaining cautious.

What do you bring for them to stay around?
Is it coming back in the same manner with certainty?
Clarity, please. Just this once.
Do not confused attraction with love.
Remember to speak your truth, and be okay with however it was received.
Maybe it’s just temporary and that’s okay.
You have momentum, but progression is still to be made.

Be patient, friend.
Do not bring cynicism into something that may be delicate and real.
Assumptions need to extinguished.
I believe what I see, not what I’m told.

You have came this far.
Suffered as you have.
Learned what was to be learned.
You still stand.
Strength is the product of resistance, hardship and loss.
And I see it in you.

I remember when you said that sometimes an unexpected, unannounced visit could be an acceptable idea. Being spontaneous with you, instead of always needing a formal invitation and a planned gathering. Of course, we were friends then, and I was still comparing myself to one of your guy friends—not in a healthy way, but with jealousy and fear. I wouldn’t dare put myself out there because of the possibility of rejection and the humiliation I’d face, standing outside your front door.

But I did it. After months of no contact, I dropped by your house, ready to surprise you and the little one. Hopeful and optimistic about what might unfold for the three of us that day. I came prepared, with no expectations, just as you always told me to do.

You weren’t there.

I knocked and waited. Rang and waited. Waiting turned into more waiting. I watched kids ride bikes down the street, saw people working on their yards, and noticed that one house where all the car work happened. I saw the next-door neighbors had put their house up for rent. I thought about calling you, but instead, I called an Uber and went to the Cheesecake Factory, where I enjoyed cheesecake alone and then took myself to the movies. I wandered around downtown Fort Worth for a while, soaking in the nightlife and the company of strangers. I didn’t mourn the failed unannounced visit; I didn’t let it ruin my day. I told myself I’d put myself in an uncomfortable position to allow any possible outcome. I didn’t try to call or text you on the way back home. I let thee attempt be enough. I left, not even knowing you’d move out of Texas unannounced as well.

That unannounced visit would my last chance to see you before you both left.

This crosses my mind, and again, it’s just for me to let it out. I don’t expect to find you here on Reddit, just as I don’t expect to find you at what was once home. I just needed to give my unannounced thoughts a place to visit. No expectations, just release.

We listen, we don’t judge.

I died in 2024… but I was only buried in August 2026. The truth is, I think the person I was before 2024 disappeared a long time ago. I kept moving, smiling, talking to people, pretending everything was okay… but inside, something had already ended. 17 August 2026 was just the day I finally accepted it.I had to bury the old version of myself the one who had certain dreams, expectations, and a future I thought was guaranteed.

Your turn.

It is about my father, I am his elder daughter, there is a lot I wish to say to you however I could never... So just expressing it in front of random people here

Recently we are roaming around hospitals to hospitals to get your eyes treated. Papa why you did so? You always keep it pausing always giving excuses why you can't get the surgery done.

In the cabin today I asked the doctor what will be the future of your eyes papa he said you have lost the right one and you may lose left in the future. Papa I am actually not this strong to handle this all. I am continuously telling myself not to cry while I am handing the paper work for the surgery. Even if there is only 1% change of success I am proceeding with the surgery. And I truly hope that Shivji will take care of it all. I know after failing that competitive exam I know you think I am the most useless daughter I have but Papa trust me I will make things work I will handle everything but please, please don't do this to me. I beg shivji for mercy please give me a chance I want my papa to see, see all the joys of life and also my success, I am yet to take him to Kedarnath where he always wanted to go. Please shivji and anyone in the universe listing please save my father's eyes.

Hoi allemaal,

Ik ben nieuw hier bij Reddit!

Ik heb sinds kort een eigen blog die ik deel op internet. Ik deel elke week een deel.

Even in het kort waar het over gaat:

Ik deel geen specifieke interesses of kennis. Het is een persoonlijk blog over wat ik zoal meemaak in mijn leven. Ik leef een rustig leven en heb momenteel weinig sociale contacten. Ik werk 32 uur in de week, studeer nog en ik woon alleen maar wel met een hondje. Ik probeer een socialer leven te leven en meer positiviteit te ervaren maar door mijn autisme is dat wel lastig en soms spannend.

Ik kies elke week een liedje uit die past bij hoe ik mij die week voel of bij de situatie van die week.

Ik kijk er erg naar uit dit met jullie te delen🤎

PS Ik deel de verhalen ook op mijn eigen website: http://waarheenleidtmijnweg.nl

I truly don't get what girls don't see in me, as I am truly magnificent. I'm well dressed, make money, good looking, and wear an expensive fragrance.

I have all a girl truly wants, yet they tend to look past me and climb all over a toxic "bad boy" who will end up cheating on her.

I am quite short, but besides that I am nothing but flawless, and I think it's time you girls start noticing me. Realistically you'll never get the chance to see the embodiment of perfect but me, so I think all of you are missing out on what you truly desire.

My whole life I've been deprived of women's acknowledgement and I'm confused. Even the ugliest of girls wouldn't bat an eye at me, and it's really getting to me. How have I never even held hands with a girl? Scrap holding hands with a girl, how haven't I talked to one in years??

Maybe one day all of you women will wake up and see me in my true glory.

Only time will tell now.

Mental exhaustion was heavy again. My brain had been on nonstop overdrive replaying conversations scanning for danger, preparing for the day someone pulls away. Living with audhd, cptsd and hypersensitivity means even quiet days feel like mental marathons. I rested without calling myself lazy. That is progress.

Sometimes it can feel incredibly frustrating when you genuinely want a friendship with a guy, only to realize that he sees the relationship as something that could become romantic.

Imagine this:

You meet a guy, and you click immediately. You can talk for hours, laugh about stupid things, vent to each other, and give one another advice. You make it clear that you value him as a friend. You aren't flirting, you aren't making promises, and you aren't trying to lead him on.

At first, everything is great.

Then little things start changing.

He begins getting jealous when you talk to other guys. He starts asking who you're dating. He wants to know where you are and who you're with. Eventually, he tells you, “I thought we were becoming something more.”

And you're sitting there thinking:

“But I thought we were just friends.”

What makes it even more painful is that you weren't looking for anything from him. You genuinely enjoyed having a male friend who could simply be a friend—someone you could trust without romance complicating everything.

That doesn't mean guys can't be friends with women. They absolutely can. But sometimes a person develops feelings that the other person doesn't share. The important part is whether they can respect the friendship and your boundaries after you make your feelings clear.

You shouldn't have to constantly wonder:

“Is he actually my friend, or is he just waiting for his chance?”

You deserve friendships where friendship is enough. ❤️

Dear Diary,

Today I lost another plant.

For someone reasonably good with fauna – which even my pets would admit to, if absolutely pressed for tuna – I find myself woefully incompetent when it comes to floral arrangements.

I never seem to get the hang of it. The proper combination of soil and watering keeps eluding me, and I am really starting to question the sanity of attempting to cultivate greenery in an obviously unsuitable setting.

At this point, it's kinda hard not to take it personally.

De profundis,

Me