One of the things nobody really prepares you for with separation or divorce is how hard it can be to share your kid(s).
Some of the times I found myself the most depressed were around pickup and drop-off. Before pickup I would sometimes get so low that I almost wanted to call my ex and tell her not to bring them over. Not because I didn’t want my kids, but because I knew I was starting that whole emotional cycle again.
I remember one time arguing about schedules with my ex. I wanted the kids during that period and they didn’t want to give me the time. My optimistic side, which is weird because I’m normally very pragmatic, kept thinking they would see reason. I sat beside the window for hours waiting for the car to pull up, almost like a dog waiting for someone to come home. It never did. I remember how disappointed and frustrated I was. You don’t really understand how much this stuff can affect your life until you are living it.
The hours leading up to drop-off were hard too. You might still have half a day together, but you don’t really want to start anything because you know there is an end coming. It becomes really easy to spend the time you still have thinking about how little time is left instead of enjoying the time you actually have.
Then they leave and the house is quiet again.
I think another hard part is realizing how much parenting happens in the boring everyday stuff. Dinner, homework, driving somewhere, grocery shopping, hearing some random story about school, or just hearing them moving around the house. When your kid(s) aren’t with you every day, you still want to be involved and know what is happening in their lives, but sometimes it feels like you are getting their life in pieces.
There is also a lot of pressure to make every weekend count, especially around holidays when the time feels even more precious. I had to learn that every weekend doesn’t need to be action packed. Kid(s) need downtime too. They need boring Saturdays, chores, movies on the couch, sleeping in, playing outside and complaining that there is nothing to do.
Getting back to the basics helped me. Your house needs to feel like home, not like a weekend destination where you have to constantly entertain them. Some of the best weekends with my kids eventually became the ones where we really didn’t do much of anything.
A few practical things helped too. I changed my schedule so drop-off became taking my kids to school in the morning and then going directly to work. That helped a lot because there wasn’t this big goodbye followed by walking back into an empty house. It was just a normal school morning and everyone went on with their day.
For midday drop-offs, grabbing ice cream or doing something small on the way could be a nice way to end the time together without making the whole day about the upcoming drop-off. Although that didn’t always work when it was too close to a meal. I’ve fielded that text barrage before…
I also found that having something planned for myself after drop-off helped. It didn’t need to be anything major. Go to the gym, work in the yard, start a project, grab dinner, whatever. Having somewhere for your mind to go was better than coming home and just sitting in the silence.
Another thing was learning not to constantly watch the clock. If you have six hours left with your kid(s), spending those six hours thinking about the fact that you only have six hours left doesn’t give you any more time. It just takes away from what you still have.
I also had to build a life for the days my kids weren’t there. That was hard at first because enjoying that time can almost make you feel guilty. But sitting around waiting for your next custody day isn’t healthy either. Exercise, projects, friends, hobbies, working around the house, whatever gives those days some structure and keeps you moving.
I think there is also something important about keeping small connections going when your kid(s) aren’t with you without making them feel like they have to constantly check in. A quick text, sending them something funny, asking how something went at school. Just little reminders that you are still there and interested in their life.
Holidays were always difficult for me, and so were long weekends. Sometimes even having a really good weekend made the drop-off harder because you knew how quiet the house was about to become. Holidays can also create this weird pressure that every minute needs to be special because you know you may not have that same holiday with your kid(s) next year.
Over time I think you learn that being a good divorced parent isn’t about trying to cram seven days of parenting into the few days you have. It is about being present when your kid(s) are there, staying involved when they aren’t, and accepting that sometimes a completely boring weekend together is exactly what everyone needs.
I’m not posting this to remind myself of the miserable parts which has been gone for me for some time. I’m posting it because there are ways to make some of this easier, and sometimes just knowing someone else has dealt with the same thing helps.
What are some of the little things about sharing your kid(s) that surprised you by how much they affected you?
If you found something that made one of those things easier, what did you change? If you haven’t figured out how to deal with something yet, share that too. Someone else here may have gone through the same thing and found something that helped.