One of the things nobody really prepares you for with separation or divorce is how hard it can be to share your kid(s).

Some of the times I found myself the most depressed were around pickup and drop-off. Before pickup I would sometimes get so low that I almost wanted to call my ex and tell her not to bring them over. Not because I didn’t want my kids, but because I knew I was starting that whole emotional cycle again.

I remember one time arguing about schedules with my ex. I wanted the kids during that period and they didn’t want to give me the time. My optimistic side, which is weird because I’m normally very pragmatic, kept thinking they would see reason. I sat beside the window for hours waiting for the car to pull up, almost like a dog waiting for someone to come home. It never did. I remember how disappointed and frustrated I was. You don’t really understand how much this stuff can affect your life until you are living it.

The hours leading up to drop-off were hard too. You might still have half a day together, but you don’t really want to start anything because you know there is an end coming. It becomes really easy to spend the time you still have thinking about how little time is left instead of enjoying the time you actually have.

Then they leave and the house is quiet again.

I think another hard part is realizing how much parenting happens in the boring everyday stuff. Dinner, homework, driving somewhere, grocery shopping, hearing some random story about school, or just hearing them moving around the house. When your kid(s) aren’t with you every day, you still want to be involved and know what is happening in their lives, but sometimes it feels like you are getting their life in pieces.

There is also a lot of pressure to make every weekend count, especially around holidays when the time feels even more precious. I had to learn that every weekend doesn’t need to be action packed. Kid(s) need downtime too. They need boring Saturdays, chores, movies on the couch, sleeping in, playing outside and complaining that there is nothing to do.

Getting back to the basics helped me. Your house needs to feel like home, not like a weekend destination where you have to constantly entertain them. Some of the best weekends with my kids eventually became the ones where we really didn’t do much of anything.

A few practical things helped too. I changed my schedule so drop-off became taking my kids to school in the morning and then going directly to work. That helped a lot because there wasn’t this big goodbye followed by walking back into an empty house. It was just a normal school morning and everyone went on with their day.

For midday drop-offs, grabbing ice cream or doing something small on the way could be a nice way to end the time together without making the whole day about the upcoming drop-off. Although that didn’t always work when it was too close to a meal. I’ve fielded that text barrage before…

I also found that having something planned for myself after drop-off helped. It didn’t need to be anything major. Go to the gym, work in the yard, start a project, grab dinner, whatever. Having somewhere for your mind to go was better than coming home and just sitting in the silence.

Another thing was learning not to constantly watch the clock. If you have six hours left with your kid(s), spending those six hours thinking about the fact that you only have six hours left doesn’t give you any more time. It just takes away from what you still have.

I also had to build a life for the days my kids weren’t there. That was hard at first because enjoying that time can almost make you feel guilty. But sitting around waiting for your next custody day isn’t healthy either. Exercise, projects, friends, hobbies, working around the house, whatever gives those days some structure and keeps you moving.

I think there is also something important about keeping small connections going when your kid(s) aren’t with you without making them feel like they have to constantly check in. A quick text, sending them something funny, asking how something went at school. Just little reminders that you are still there and interested in their life.

Holidays were always difficult for me, and so were long weekends. Sometimes even having a really good weekend made the drop-off harder because you knew how quiet the house was about to become. Holidays can also create this weird pressure that every minute needs to be special because you know you may not have that same holiday with your kid(s) next year.

Over time I think you learn that being a good divorced parent isn’t about trying to cram seven days of parenting into the few days you have. It is about being present when your kid(s) are there, staying involved when they aren’t, and accepting that sometimes a completely boring weekend together is exactly what everyone needs.

I’m not posting this to remind myself of the miserable parts which has been gone for me for some time. I’m posting it because there are ways to make some of this easier, and sometimes just knowing someone else has dealt with the same thing helps.

What are some of the little things about sharing your kid(s) that surprised you by how much they affected you?

If you found something that made one of those things easier, what did you change? If you haven’t figured out how to deal with something yet, share that too. Someone else here may have gone through the same thing and found something that helped.

Got into yet another argument where neither of us would deescalate and it got totally out of hand. Yelling, screaming, name calling, low blow insults, throwing things, pushing, the whole bit short of any physical striking each other. I’m ashamed of the part I played in escalating the situation. The only silver lining is the kids didn’t hear the whole thing like other arguments in the past. I cried my soul out when I told the kids I’m moving out. They are my world. It was BY FAR the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do knowing how much I love them. The worst physical pain I’ve ever had in my life was when I had a kidney stone and I would gladly go through that again if it meant I didn’t have to feel and go through the pain I did tonight telling my kids I won’t be living at home with them anymore. I feel like a shell of a man.

Hello everyone! I am currently going through a pretty nasty divorce, and the topic of custody and visitations came up. The two apps in the title, OurFamilyWizard and AppClose, were mentioned by my wife's attorney. My attorney told me they are decent apps, and that they are simply designed to keep track of everything - but I feel as though my wife is trying to monitor my every movement with our kids. I am starting to do some research, but I thought I'd get some first-hand accounts from people here who may have experience with either of these apps. My wife is a very controlling person. She is trying to cut me out of my children's lives completely. Is this just another attempt at control, or is this really just an innocent app with a calendar to help keep track of things like my attorney says? After googling both apps they seem to have very low ratings. That is the reason I'm asking here. Thanks in advance for any insight you folks can give me!

I'm about 1 1/2 yrs into divorce. And struggling big time to keep up with all of my support payments, on top of my own cost of living. We worked with a mediator to put all of this together, and to be honest, I feel like my desire to just get it all over with, blinded me to the fact that this may not be sustainable long term. I do plan on propose we meet again with a new mediator to see if we can change this. But in the meantime, I'm curious if anyone else is in a comparable situation? Do these numbers seem abnormal?

I make about $175k/yr. $14,583/mo.

I'm with my 2 kids (9 & 12) every Mon & Tues, as well as every other Sat & Sun. So some weeks I have them Sat AM - Tues PM, others Mon AM - Tues PM.

Every month, my support payments are:

Child Support - $2,264

Spousal Support - $3,790

Mortgage/Business Payment - $2,096*

Total: $8,150

*This last payment is a little convoluted. I started a business while we were married, and what I owe my ex for her share, as a monthly payment, equals out to about half of the monthly mortgage payment on our house, for the next 9 years. So that's what I pay her every month. We currently still have both our names on the mortgage, and she lives there. I rent a place down the road ($2950/mo - woof.) Lately I'm thinking we just need to sell the house, but I know that's going to be a fight.

Additionally, we split some things the kids need - after school programs, school supplies, clothes, etc. We also have a camper and split the insurance/storage on that. I never get to use it, because I'm just too busy. I also got the beater vehicle, which at the most is worth like $4k (and needs about that much in work). She got the newer vehicle (truck worth $40k).

I recognize that I make good money. But we live in an expensive area. And paying out over $8k/mo - more than half my income - feels like a lot. It's also stemming from the fact that I work a very demanding full time job (running my own business), and have my kids 2-4 days a week, while she doesn't have consistent employment. Should could not work at all, and make more than I do. I've brought this up recently, and as you can imagine, it wasn't received well. I'm trying to balance being patient and compassionate, and understand it takes time to get on your feet, while also recognizing that I am struggling to keep up.

Does anyone else think this is an imbalanced arrangement? Or do I just need to stop whining and keep my head down?

Appreciate you all. This subreddit has been a source of tremendous support. Cheers, Dads.

11 years divorced.
Remarried 2 years ago with a 2 year old.

My daughter never completely accepted this new situation. But she’d tough it out. She always preferred staying at my Mom n Dads which is where she lived quite a bit.

There was some disagreement, not going to lie. Some possible dumb accusations from my wife, but they were very small, just twice. Wife is now on meds n therapy.

But my daughter is done and splits time between her moms and my parents. Thoughts?

It just devastated us at first. But I’ve checked around and this seems possibly like it happens a lot?

Been divorced for almost ten years now and share two children with my ex. My daughter is entering a difficult stage (early teenage years) and is butting heads big time with her Mom (my ex). Now my ex is constantly texting to vent and ask for support. However, my daughter only exhibits these behaviors at her mother's house. She's perfect around me, at school, with other family members, with friends. She clashes with her Mom because her Mom is highly unreasonable and a lot of her lies and manipulation are catching up to her. And while I know it may come across like I'm just bitter, that's not what this is. I worried for a long time that my children would grow to resent their mother, and it's coming to fruition. It does me no good to have my children not like their mother, so this isn't coming from some sort of selfish or vindictive perspective.

My loyalty is to my daughter, not to my ex. However, I can't tell my ex that the real reason our daughter is so difficult is that she doesn't respect her and that karma is a B. That would do no good. I'm trying to thread the needle by letting my ex vent her frustrations without reinforcing her. Not sure if this is the right approach though. Perhaps I should confront her directly? Perhaps I should instead support her and tell my daughter that she needs to be respectful to her mom (even though her mom stinks). What do you guys think?