I want to preface this by saying that Iād prefer if this thread didnāt include a lot of comments with venting and such. No matter where I look, every time I ask what I can do to support myself or if it gets better, I always get comments like, āI feel you, Iām twice your age and (laundry list of symptoms), I almost died x amount of times. Itās hard to want to wake up anymore! xoxā and it just completely wrecks me. It is natural for us to hear these things and feel grief for the other person, and then feel grief inward for the future symptoms or medical events we may or may not have.. and that is so, so exhausting to carry every single day.
I will always have utmost compassion for my fellow zebras and I will always be enraged at the systems which fail us. That being said, I feel like I donāt really know where to look for help without instantly being suffocated with this almost doomsday-like air of nihilism and anxiety. Just yesterday I learned of a woman in her early 20s, my age, who died due to complications of EDS, from a GI symptom I once went to the ER for. I was really distressed, thought to seek comfort, and all I heard back was dozens of people telling me about their loved ones with EDS dying, or that they had near-misses with death, many of them even younger than me. I grieved it a lot, cried for some hours. That night I had a really bad GI episode, mostly just vasovagal responses, which Iām really sensitive to. I was so scared and lonely, I believed for a moment that maybe I was going to end up as another tale of caution and injustice. Even though I recovered alright and talked a lot with my partner on the phone, still, even now, I feel so, so lonely, anxious, and sad.
It is hard enough knowing I really have to play the medical system so that I might find a way to let it bend in my favor. But even seeking comfort proves to be a difficult task. Coming back from this episode where I was writhing in pain, crying, passing out; I want to hear āThis is not your peak. You might not ever be ācuredā, but you can get stronger and you can get betterā.. instead, I just hear many things that remind me just how delicate my body is. How many things could go critically, irreversibly wrong with me in just minutes.
I know that this disorder isnāt pretty. I know that it is degradive. It had ruined my life, starting in my late teens!! But I certainly donāt feel helped knowing that when I just want comfort, or maybe to know for sure that there are ways to grow stronger and live despite my illness, all I get is more reasons to worry and to be scared. Iām so tired of being afraid all the time. I think there is a huge difference in being proactive in my healthcare vs. being taught to always be hypervigilant.
Iām not saying we should suffer in silence, or keep our cautions to ourselves. But I feel like there needs to be more room among our communities centered around healing and positive outcomes.