Iām soon to be 18 and have struggled with weight and developed an eating disorder when I was 11/12.
Firstly will give a bit of a backstory on my eating disorder.
Pretty much immediately after joining secondary school I developed an eating disorder, I was never big to start off with, but just had baby fat. Looking back I donāt know what started it, whether it was being around a mum that talked a lot about diets, being insecure or just trying to have something consistent in my life.
So I would say 2020-2024 was the āworst partā of it for me, as over those years most days Iād be eating either one meal or none, but with a few binge eating episodes in between that, so I did get very skinny, it wasnāt healthy but luckily it wasnāt life threatening due to the binge eating adding weight back on.
Unfortunately my household wasnāt a nice place, so I feel I shouldāve seen doctors etc during this time but my parents never noticed/cared enough to ālook out for meā.
2024-now has been a lot smoother I guess you could say, I actually wanted to recover and went into therapy (without my parents knowing) to help with it.
I was sick of being sick basically, constant headaches, the bloating which made me feel even more insecure, it made my mental health awful alongside living in my home, my school work was progressively getting worse, and I was just an easily irritated teenager and Iām still happy I helped myself.
2025 I was an ideal weight, healthy but also still had a flat stomach and definition, had a bigger butt and boobs than I had ever had, my confidence was definitely a lot better also, as I stopped wearing baggy clothes everywhere, and would wear just sports bras and shorts to dance which I wouldāve never done before. Despite me being bigger than I ever was.
But ever since starting college in late 2025-now I am constantly gaining weight and canāt seem to get rid of it. Iām studying musical theatre and I thought due to the amount of dance Iād be doing Iād loose weight, but I actually keep on getting fatter and I seem to not do anything about it.
I have very bad ADHD and if I donāt have college or dance I will lay in bed and thatās it.
Iām not exaggerating.
I donāt see friends unless I have a party or have been asked to go out, which is rare as if there are plans itās me making them.
So due to my ADHD I never work out ever. Itās so frustrating to try and explain ADHD to people because I literally cannot get up and do anything.
Or if I do go to the gym itās because Iāve had a mental breakdown about getting fatter and gone to the gym once and then never again after.
And similar with the diet, I canāt keep consistent to a diet and every time I try to, I always fall back into Eating disorder habits and canāt seem to have a diet without not eating enough or restricting too much.
And unfortunately during recovery I never seemed to get rid of the binge eating habit, I binge eat all the time and I think that may have been one of the may reasons Iāve gained so much weight.
Donāt get me wrong most days Iām happy Iāve gained weight. I still have a slight hour glass figure and have even bigger boobs and a butt lol and also itās helped me become stronger in dance. (Being insecure with my weight at dance is a whole other story)
Itās weird how much more confident I am despite the fact Iām a lot bigger, I wear whatever I want to wear and eat whatever I want (to a certain extent). I think itās because my college friends are amazing, and always compliment me and theyāve really brought me out of a dark place. (Itās also a huge fake it till you make it situation when it comes to confidence)
But I do believe if old me woke up the weight I am now she wouldnāt have even left the house.
I have such a fear I will never be able to loss weight without going full blown anorexic again because of my
-messed up metabolism
-messed up brain
-unmedicated adhd
-and straight up laziness and bad mental health
Iām sorry that this ended up turning into a big trauma dump and mental breakdown
Iām still feel so young sometimes and it sucks growing up without proper support so please help a girl out.
Any tips and slapping sense into me is much appreciated.
Also one more thing, I also have no clue whether itās body dysmorphia because if I tell myself that I have body dysmorphia then do I even have it because Iām aware???